"Hey, Sirius, catch."
Sirius turned just in time to catch the sock James threw at him. He let it fall into his trunk. "Thanks," he said, turning back to his half-finished packing with a sigh.
Two of his dorm-mates were scurrying around their room doing the same as him- last minute packing, at nine o'clock the night before they were set to go home for the Christmas holidays.
The fourth member of their dorm was lying on his bed, reading a book and looking very smug about the situation.
"I told you all to pack earlier," Remus said, flipping a page. "We could have avoided this whole mess."
"Shut it, Remus," James said . "I'll be done in two minutes. All I need are a few changes of clothes, anyways; I'm leaving most of it here."
"Has anyone seen my spare tie?" Peter asked, his backside sticking out from underneath the bottom of his bed.
Remus set his book down and got to his feet to help his friend search for the missing article of clothing. Sirius shut his trunk and collapsed onto his bed, fatigue tugging at his eyes. His rucksack was only half full, but Sirius didn't have much to take with him, anyways. He had a feeling he wouldn't be wearing anything besides dress robes for the entire vacation.
Sirius rubbed his eyes, trying to tune out his friends, who had been spewing a running commentary on their plans for Christmas break for the past three weeks. He had memorized their schedules by heart. James was going home for a classic Potter family Christmas, complete with caroling and their traditional secret Santa exchange. Peter was visiting his great aunt in Iceland, and his family had booked every moment of their trip with sightseeing and tourist attractions. Remus didn't say much about his break, but whenever they talked about it he got this happy wistful look on his face. Sirius knew his family celebrated quietly but traditionally, two words that summed Remus up very well.
And where would Sirius would be?
Attending one pure-blood party after the next.
He had tried to get out of it this year. Both James and Remus had invited him over to their houses. Sirius had asked his parents about James, but hadn't even bothered with Remus's offer, although he had appreciated it. His parents would never let their oldest son, heir to the Black family fortune, spend his break with a Half-blood. They had barely even considered James's offer, and he came from a well-respected Pureblood family. No, they would be too busy dressing him up and showing him off.
"Sirius?"
Sirius glanced over. Remus was standing there, a frown on his face, but he smiled slightly when Sirius looked over.
"You alright?" he asked, his voice quiet.
"I'm fine." Sirius crossed his arms behind his head, trying to look nonchalant. "You all set for the moon?"
Remus's smile faltered. He turned away and walked back over to his bed, picking up his book and smoothing a folded corner. "Yeah."
Sirius mentally berated himself for changing the subject at Remus's expense. He knew how uncomfortable the full moon made his friend, no matter how often they all assured him they didn't care he was a werewolf.
James glanced at Sirius, eyebrows raised, and Sirius just shook his head. It was still new to them, too. They had only figured out Remus's secret about two months ago, and it would be their second full moon knowing what was really happening.
It was only three days away. Luckily it wasn't on Christmas, but Remus would still be pretty worn out when the holiday did roll around. If Sirius regretted anything about this break, it was that he wouldn't be able to be there for his friend while he was lying in bed, sick and miserable. His only comfort was that he would be home, and Sirius knew that Remus loved his parents more than anything.
"I'll send you all some of my mum's biscuits," James said, taking a valiant stab at another subject change. "She always makes loads."
Peter's head shot up from behind his bed. "Those gingerbread ones?" When James affirmed that, a grin spread across his face. "Excellent, I loved those last year!"
Sirius rolled his eyes, but a look from Remus made him keep his mouth clamped shut.
"You sure I can't stuff you in my bag, Sirius?" James asked, holding up his nearly packed rucksack. "My parents are dying to see you again."
Sirius smiled slightly at the thought of the Potters. He had been allowed to visit for a few weeks the previous summer, and it had been the best summer of Sirius's life.
"I wish," he said. "My parents are going to have me on a leash the whole time. A diamond-studded solid gold leash painted red with the blood of our enemies."
James grimaced. "Not a nice mental image."
"No," Sirius said, kicking off his shoes and stretching back on the bed.
Remus was changing into his pajamas. He hid half-behind his bedpost, changing out of his school robes as quickly as possible and not leaving his scar-covered body exposed for more than a few seconds. It irked Sirius that he still wasn't comfortable enough to change like a normal person, but the mere fact that he was changing without drawing his curtains was a marked improvement from only a few months ago.
"Are they really that bad?" Remus asked, crawling back into bed.
Sirius stared up at the canopy of his head and didn't respond. All this talk about his parents was making his heart beat uncomfortably fast. He tried to calm it down. You aren't even there yet. Don't let them get to you..
"I'm going to bed," he said abruptly. He didn't think he could take any more small talk that night.
Remus frowned, but said, "Alright. Night."
"Don't let the bed bugs bite," James said, digging through his remaining clothes, his glasses hanging at the very edge of his nose.
Sirius drew the curtains shut around his bed without bothering to change. He slid under his blankets and leaned back, listening to the sounds around him. No one was talking anymore, but he could hear Remus turning the pages of his book and James and Peter still packing. Sirius shut his eyes, relishing in the soft sounds. Soon he would be back in his own bedroom with nothing but the family house elf's mumbled accusations to keep him company.
His stomach clenched even tighter, a tight ball in his gut. He put his hands over his eyes and tried to get to sleep before he could overthink tomorrow even more.
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"Stay in touch, mate," James said, slapping his back.
They were standing on the crowded platform. All around them their classmates were greeting their families, laughing and hugging. Sirius's palms were sweating. He knew his parents were here somewhere, waiting for him and his brother, who he hadn't seen all day.
"Yeah," Sirius said.
"I mean it," said James, peering at him through his spectacles as though he couldn't really see him properly. "Write to me. Let me know you're still alive."
Sirius tried to smile. "Yeah," he said again.
James squeezed his shoulder, nodded at Peter, and clapped Remus on the shoulder with a quiet "Good luck" before turning and diving into the crowd to find his parents.
Sirius watched him go, aching to follow. He wished more than anything that he was spending Christmas with the Potters. He would have no trouble intruding on their family holiday if it meant getting out of his own.
"There's my mum!" Peter squeaked. He waved at his friends. "Bye! Have a good holiday!"
Remus smiled back, but Sirius just kicked at the ground, afraid to look around and spot his family. The more he stalled, the longer it would be before he had to face the music.
Remus hesitated. "Sirius-?"
"Remus!"
Both boys turned to see a woman pushing her way through the crowd. It was a small woman, tiny and frail-looking, as though one harsh wind could blow her over. Her hair was the same sandy blond as Remus's, and her tired face was lit up with a smile as she worked her way through the other reunited families.
Sirius saw Remus's shoulders visibly relax. "Mum," he said, stepping forward to meet her halfway.
Mrs. Lupin threw her arms around Remus and squeezed as though her life depended on it. Remus was the same height as her, maybe even an inch or so taller, but he seemed to shrink into her embrace as she smoothed his hair, holding him tight against her. Sirius turned away, feeling like an intruder. That hard rock had taken up residence in the pit of his stomach again.
Remus pulled away after a few seconds, a broad grin on his face. "Mum- mum, this is Sirius," he said, stepping aside and letting his mother get a look at his friend.
Sirius straightened up and tried his best to look presentable. He had never formally been introduced to Mrs. Lupin, and had only seen her once before, at the beginning of last summer from afar. She looked much older up close, but her eyes shone with the same brightness and quickness Remus's did.
"Sirius!" she said, looking delighted. She held out her hand, which Sirius took and shook firmly. "Remus has told me so much about you."
Sirius tipped his head. "Mrs. Lupin," he said. "It's a pleasure to meet you."
Sirius knew that Remus was looking at him funny, but at that moment something over Mrs. Lupin's shoulder caught his attention. The rock turned into a shard of ice. His parents were standing off to the side, scanning the crowd with narrowed eyes.
A gentle pressure on his hand made Sirius realize he was still holding Mrs. Lupin's hand. He let go as though he had been burned. "Sorry," he said quickly.
Mrs. Lupin smiled at him. "Don't be, dear," she said.
Sirius looked again at his parents. Regulus had joined them; they were talking down to him in what looked like very serious tones. Sirius rubbed his sweaty palms on his robes.
"I have to go," he muttered.
Remus glanced over his shoulder to where Sirius's parents were standing, and that was when they looked up at him. Sirius saw his mothers face twist with dislike as she caught sight of her eldest son standing with a Half-blood and his Muggle parent. His father remained impassive, his face carved out of rock.
"Sirius-" Remus hesitated. Then he turned back to Sirius and gave him a rather forced smile. "I'll write to you, okay?"
"Whatever," Sirius muttered, still staring at his parents. "See you."
He set off through the crowd without another word.
His light rucksack suddenly felt heavy over his shoulders, and every step towards his family added a pound to his load. They stared him down as he approached, none of them saying anything. His mother's eyes were narrowed.
"Chin up!" she snapped in place of a greeting. "Just because you go around consorting with Mudbloods doesn't mean you have to act like them."
The parents around them who had heard looked at Mrs. Black, scandalized. She paid them no heed. Sirius lifted his chin, his cheeks burning. The sooner they got out of here, the better.
His mother reached out and grabbed a lock of his hair, giving it a sharp tug. Her pointed red fingernails brushed against his cheek. Sirius grit his teeth but forced himself to remain still. There was no need to start any fights before they had even gotten to the house.
"You need a haircut," she said, before turning and marching off the platform.
His father stared him down for another moment before turning and following his wife. Regulus lingered, as though he wanted to say something, then slammed his mouth shut and hurried after them. He didn't run, though; Blacks never run.
Sirius resisted the urge to look over his shoulder and try to get a last glimpse of his friends. Instead he started after his family, his jaw clenched tightly. That was when he realized that he had forgotten to wish Remus luck with his transformation. He hadn't wished him Merry Christmas. He hadn't even said goodbye to his mother.
Sirius let his raised chin dip a little. Some friend he was.
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Remus watched his friend walk off, a frown on his face. On the other side of the platform he could see Sirius's family, as foreboding and strict as ever. Just looking at them sent a shiver down Remus's spine. He didn't know how Sirius could bear going home each break.
He watched as Sirius approached. His mother said something to him and he straightened. Remus doubted it had been a warm welcome. Then she reached out and pulled his hair much harder than was necessary, and Remus had to force his feet to remain still. Running over there to defend his friend would only make things worse.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see his mother standing there. She was smiling, but she looked concerned.
"Are you alright, dear?"
Remus glanced over his shoulder. Sirius's family had all left, leaving only him standing there. After a moment he started walking too, and within seconds had disappeared.
Remus turned back around and forced a smile. "I'm great, Mum. Are you ready?"
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The whistle blew. Remus was already in their usual compartment, reading a book he had gotten for Christmas. As interesting as it was, he was stuck on the same sentence, reading it over and over again. His foot jiggled, tapping the ground impatiently. Every noise from outside made him look up, hoping to see the compartment door opening.
Remus leaned against the window and tucked his legs up, closing the book. It was no good trying. He was burning with excitement. The past two weeks had dragged on for him. He hadn't thought it possible to miss his friends so much, but it had been torture without them.
His parents had been lovely, of course, and Remus had enjoyed every second with them. There had just been something… missing. The nights had been too quiet without James's snoring and Peter's sniffling. Remus's parents had left him alone to do his homework, and he realized that he had learned to work best when being badgered by his friends. Even the meals had been too quiet, and though he would never tell her, Mrs. Lupin just couldn't cook as well as the house elves.
Remus had spent a lot of his free time writing to his friends. He and James had had a rather steady conversation over owl, and Peter had sent him a few scrawled notes as well, written on the back of napkins from trains. He had even gotten a postcard from the Icelandic town they were staying in. Remus had been delighted to wake up after the full moon to find two letters waiting for him, offering them their best sentiments and jokes.
He had been a little disappointed that Sirius had never written back, though.
Remus had sent him letter after letter, but he hadn't gotten a word from his friend. He would have worried that he'd done something to upset him had not James written him to complain as well. Sirius had gone silent during vacation, and James's letters had quickly gone from impatient to worried.
Can't he just send something over to let us know he's alive? He had written Remus a few days ago. I don't like this.
Remus didn't like it either. So that was why when the compartment door finally slid open, he was disappointed to see James standing there, beaming.
"Remus!" he said, slamming the compartment door shut behind him. The yell and the bang were music to Remus's ears. He had a feeling that affinity for loudness wouldn't last very long. "Alright?"
"I'm just fine," Remus said, grinning back. He slid his legs down to sit normally as James flopped onto the seats across from him. "How're you?"
"Bored," James announced. "The entire break was bloody boring. Next year we're staying at Hogwarts, alright? All of us. We can do something fun for a change."
"I thought your parents bought you a new sled?"
"I broke it," James said, waving his hand. "It was boring, anyways. There's no good hills in Godric's Hollow. What'd you get for Christmas?"
Remus held up his book.
"And?" James asked eagerly.
Remus felt his cheeks color. "That's it," he muttered.
James blinked. "Oh." He didn't dwell on the issue. "Heard from Sirius?"
Remus frowned. "Not at all," he said.
"Hm," James said. "We'll have to-"
The door opened again and a short figure appeared.
"Hello, Peter," Remus said, smiling as his friend walked in and sat down next to him. "How was Iceland?"
"Wonderful!" Peter said. His face was flushed with excitement as he beamed at his friends. "Oh, we stayed in this awesome little hotel on a hill, and they had a buffet breakfast every morning that served-"
"We're leaving," James said. He had pressed his face against the window, staring out at the platform. When he pulled back the window was smudged with his hand and nose prints. "Where's Sirius?"
"Probably walking over," Peter said.
The compartment door slid open again and Remus's heart filled with relief when Sirius slipped in, shutting the door silently behind him.
"Sirius!" James said brightly, grinning at his friend. "Alright, mate?"
Sirius didn't respond. He slumped into the empty seat and turned his head to face the wall.
James was un-phased, but Remus frowned. "Have a good holiday?" he pushed, practically bouncing in his seat.
Sirius shrugged but still didn't say anything. He didn't even look at him. All Remus could see was the back of his head and the left side of his face, which gave away none of his emotions. His hair was an inch shorter than it had been.
James narrowed his eyes. "Sirius?"
"What?"
"What's up?"
Remus saw Sirius's jaw clench. He didn't respond.
James heaved a sigh and reached out to grab Sirius's shoulder. "Sirius-"
Sirius flinched away, whirling around to glare at James. His eyes were flashing with anger, and James gasped- but not out of fear.
"What happened to your face?" he asked.
Sirius blinked, momentarily shocked out of his anger. Then his cheeks flushed, his pale skin pink around the edges of the mottled purple and green bruise that took up the right half of his face.
"Nothing," he muttered, turning around to face the wall again, but the damage had been done.
James reached out to grab Sirius again but Remus caught his eye and shook his head warningly. James froze, then slowly lowered his hand.
"Sirius?" Remus asked.
Sirius didn't respond for a moment. Then he slowly turned to look at Remus, the right side of his face still facing the wall. Remus could see a hint of it creeping onto his lower jaw.
"I'm fine," Sirius muttered. His voice seemed heavier than normal.
Remus had to force his lips to turn up into a smile. "I just wanted to wish you a very belated Merry Christmas," he said. He knew what it felt like to have people ogle at injuries you would rather not talk about. He would try and get Sirius to tell him what was going on later, but for now, he needed to get James's attention off of the bruise. "I don't know if you got my letters."
Sirius's brow furrowed, like he couldn't quite believe what Remus was saying. He didn't smile, but his jaw seemed to soften ever so slightly. "My parents stopped my mail," he said. "But thanks." He turned a little more, moving very cautiously, as though afraid they would bring it up again. His bruise came into view and Remus resisted the impulse to wince. It was bad. It covered most of his cheek and looked less than a day old, dark purple in the middle and a lurid green around the edges. It looked painful.
James opened his mouth, but Remus kicked his ankle and he shut it again.
"How was the full moon?" Sirius asked quickly, crossing his arms over his chest.
Remus tried to keep his gaze fixed on Sirius's eyes and not on the bruise. Next to him, Peter was gawking at it. "Better than last time," he said. "My ankle's intact, at least."
Sirius's lips twitched. "That's good to hear."
They lapsed into awkward silence. Sirius's gaze fell to the floor. Remus fiddled with his book, uncertain of what to say next. James, who was never comfortable with silence, let Peter prattle on to him about Iceland. Remus tried to look interested, but it was hard when Sirius turned back to face the wall, his arms still wrapped around himself.
The rest of the train ride passed in much the same way. James tried to coerce them all into a game of Exploding Snap, but Sirius responded with a flat "No" before turning to face the wall again. Remus quietly declined as well, and James, looking lost and confused, settled for Gobstones with Peter. That didn't work out very well, as every jostle and bump of the train sent black ink spraying everywhere.
Remus picked up his book again and tried to tune out James's swearing as his glasses were spattered with ink. He squinted down at the words, but he could still see Sirius out of the corner of his eye, back rigid, staring at the floor.
He shut the book and stood. Carefully picking his way over Peter, who was sprawled out on the ground, he sat down next to Sirius, making sure to keep his distance lest the other boy get upset at the intrusion.
"Are you alright?" he asked quietly, keeping his voice down so Peter and James wouldn't hear.
"I'm fine," Sirius said. His voice was mechanical.
Remus pressed his finger against the sharp edge of the book, trying to choose his next words carefully. "Are you sure?"
Sirius was quiet. He twisted his hands in his lap. "I didn't have a good holiday," he finally said. His voice was so quiet he might have been talking to himself.
Peter was winning the game. James wasn't too happy about that, and was complaining loudly that the slant of the compartment floor was throwing him off.
"It's over now, though," Remus said.
There was a beat of silence. "I guess."
Remus wanted to say more, but he couldn't think of anything. He fell silent and turned instead to the Gobstones game. Next to him Sirius turned back to the wall, and Remus's heart clenched. He needed to say more. He just didn't know what, and he couldn't think of anything with James and Peter sitting right there.
James continued to try and pull Sirius into the conversation, undeterred by his repeated rejections. From the looks he was shooting at Remus, James had no idea what to do either. With Sirius determinedly silent, Remus quieter than usual, and James running out of topics, it was up to Peter to pick up the slack- a task which he took on with great joy. He didn't seem to care that none of his friends were really focused on his words.
Sirius still didn't say anything when the train pulled to a stop. They got off, stepping into the frigid winter air. Several students were pointing at Sirius, whispering to each other. Sirius stared straight ahead, and when a fifth year Slytherin smirked at Sirius when he walked past, James doubled back and purposely trod on his foot without a word.
"What do we do?" he hissed to Remus as they boarded the carriages that would take them back to the castle.
Remus shook his head and pulled himself into the carriage.
The welcome back feast was wonderful as always, but none of them enjoyed it. Sirius was just picking at his food, staring forlornly at it as though it held all the secrets of the universe. James was twitching. He seemed unable to sit still, even more so than usual. Even Peter was starting to wear down, and the gaps in their conversation grew longer and longer.
Remus sipped at his pumpkin soup, deep in thought. He was trying to figure out where Sirius had gotten that bruise, but had to stop because each conclusion he came to was worst than the last. If it had been something stupid, like falling down the stairs, Sirius would have told them- right? And if it wasn't something stupid…
Not even dessert cheered Sirius up, and that was when James took action. He leaned across the table, his eyes bright behind his glasses.
"Sirius…"
"Don't."
"But-"
"I don't want to talk about it, James. Just shut up."
James fell back into his seat, looking put out. Sirius pushed his empty plate away and stood up.
"I'm going upstairs, he muttered, turning and stalking out of the Great Hall. Hundreds of eyes followed him. No one ever left feasts early. Indeed, they weren't altogether certain it was allowed. But no one stopped him, and eventually attention turned back to the meal.
"Something happened," James said immediately.
"How'd he get that bruise?" Peter asked.
"Dunno… Remus?"
Remus looked up from his pudding. James and Peter were both staring at him.
"What?"
"Any ideas?" James asked.
Remus shrugged. "No more than you two. I'm worried, though."
James sighed. "Oh, he'll snap out of it. He's always like this after the holidays. I think his family just gets to him."
"It hasn't been this bad before, though," Peter said. "He's acting like… you know, the first couple of days."
Remus remembered. It had been one of the most terrifying times of his life, and he had been scared stiff of Sirius. He had been scared stiff of everyone, actually. Just remembering his first few months at Hogwarts was enough to make him flush with embarrassment.
Remus wasn't used to being around kids his own age, and hadn't known how to act. He had coped by remaining silent, not talking unless someone directly addressed him with a question, and hiding his nose in a book. A tactic that would have worked had his dorm-mates not been nosy and continually pushed him to talk. It had been months before Remus had finally felt comfortable to start joking around with them.
Sirius had been the worst. He and James had seemed to hit it off pretty well, but they had daily disagreements. Sirius had been rude to just about everyone. He snapped at Peter when he took too long in the bathroom. He yelled at James when he teased him about his silk pajamas. He had shot catty remarks at Remus about being too quiet.
Remus had tried his hardest not to let it get to him, but he had seriously considered leaving Hogwarts. He was glad he didn't.
Eventually Sirius had shaken it off. Remus knew that he had just felt out of place, the first of his family in Gryffindor. The snide comments that followed him everywhere hadn't helped, either. Remus had heard the rumors floating around, and had seen Sirius's Slytherin relatives pinching him in the hallway and whispering to him with smirks on their faces. It had been the only times Remus had felt lucky for being in the shadows.
But once the novelty of the situation had worn off, the comments had stopped, and Sirius gradually learned to control his temper. He and James started getting on very well. Peter started tagging along with them more and more, and Sirius managed to bite his tongue when it came to insulting the poor boy. He had changed his snide comments about Remus to humorous ones, often dropping by his bed, where Remus sat night after night with his legs tucked under him and his nose in a book, to ask what he was reading and to speculate whether he would finally join them in a game of Exploding Snap. Remus had always refused, until one night in October, when he had broken.
"Watcha reading tonight?" Sirius asked, standing a few feet away from Remus's bed.
Remus wordlessly held up the front cover, not taking his eyes off the text.
"Another new book?"
Remus shrugged, still not looking at him.
"Do you ever talk?"
Another shrug. Remus didn't know what to say, so he kept his gaze fixed on the book, although he couldn't focus on what he was reading anymore.
"Oh, let it go, Sirius," James said. He was getting the game set up on the floor while Peter sat cross-legged next to him, an eager look on his face. "He's not going to talk to you."
"He has to eventually!" Sirius said. He turned back to Remus, a doubtful look on his face. "You can talk, right?"
Remus nodded. Sirius sighed.
"I suppose it's useless asking you if you want to join us for a game," he said.
Before Remus could say anything- or, rather, shake his head- James piped up again. "As if," he snorted.
Something inside Remus cracked. He shut his book, set it down, and slid out of bed. Sirius stood there, surprised, as Remus trooped past him to sit on the floor across from James. He fixed him with a level stare.
"Deal me in," he said, his voice quiet.
James dealt him the cards. Sirius came and sat in his spot next to Remus, a grin on his face. "Ha," he said to James, taking his cards. "You owe me five Galleons."
Remus flushed, but something inside him glowed. This was progress. He could play cards with his dorm-mates. He could do this.
"He'll snap out of it," James said, his voice confident.
Remus took another spoonful of pudding. He needed to talk to Sirius.
They headed up to their dormitory with the rest of the students twenty minutes later. They hesitated at the door before James stepped forward and pushed it forward, stepping inside.
The curtains were drawn around Sirius's bed. James glanced at his two other friends before creeping over to his trunk and quietly getting undressed.
Remus walked over to his bed and pulled open his trunk. He couldn't help a small smile as he looked down at the clothes he hadn't seen in two weeks. He fished down to the very bottom and pulled out his pajamas, walking around his bed to a shadowy corner and getting changed as quickly as possible, leaving his bare chest out for only a second or so. That short second had gotten Remus's heart pumping, though, even though he knew his friends hadn't been looking at his scars.
Remus carefully folded his clothes and set them back into his trunk. James was already in bed, his head hanging over the side, his eyes shut. Peter was digging through his trunk, a confused look on his face, before he finally gave up and crawled under the covers.
Remus got into bed. James raised his head and mouthed "Night" to him. Remus nodded back and drew the curtains around his bed.
He couldn't sleep.
He lay there for the next few hours, staring up at the ceiling. The dormitory was silent except for James's light snoring.
Remus rubbed his eyes. He was exhausted. He had been too excited about coming back to get enough sleep last night, but every time he slipped close to unconsciousness a stray thought would pull him back. Sirius's bruise bothered him. Everything about the situation bothered him. It bothered him that he didn't know what was going on and it bothered him that he couldn't even help in the slightest, especially after all that Sirius had done for him. He was being a terrible friend, and he had no idea how to fix it.
Remus was in the middle of one of his internal monologues when he heard the sound of curtains being slowly slid open. Remus sat up but didn't make a sound. After a moment he heard a sniffle, and then the shifting of someone climbing out of bed, footsteps going to the bathroom, and then a door shutting. The tap turned on. There was another sniffle.
Remus fumbled in the dark for the part in his curtains. When he found it, he opened them just enough to stick his head out. It took his eyes a moment to adjust. It had been pitch black inside his curtains, but out here, moonlight from the window illuminated the room. The effect was eerie. A quick examination revealed that Sirius's bed was the only one unoccupied.
The tap switched off in the bathroom. After a moment the door opened and a figure stepped out, rubbing their eyes. Remus heard another sniffle.
Sirius looked up and met Remus's eyes. He seemed surprised for a moment. Then his face crumpled again, and in the moonlight Remus could see tear tracks on his cheeks. The bruise looked even worse in the silver lighting.
"Sorry," he muttered, standing still.
Remus slowly opened his curtains a bit more. "Sirius, come here."
Sirius didn't move. He rubbed at his nose and looked down. Across the room, James gave a loud snore and they both turned to look at his motionless form.
The realization that he was standing in the middle of the room crying seemed to dawn on Sirius, and his feet started moving. He walked over to Remus's bed and Remus scooted aside to let Sirius sit at the foot.
It was still dark inside the curtains, the only light falling on Sirius through the tiny crack in the hangings. His hair looked gray in the silver light. He sat cross-legged, facing Remus, close to the edge of the bed in case he needed to run.
Remus drew his knees to his chest, his back pressed against the backboard. It felt cold through his thin pajamas. "How'd you get that bruise?" he whispered.
Sirius's hand twitched, making a movement towards his cheek. He stared carefully at Remus's bare feet. "I called my cousin Bellatrix a brat during our family dinner," he muttered.
Remus frowned. "But-"
"And then when I was asked to apologize, I refused in front of the whole family," he went on. Sirius reached out and picked at the blanket, something Remus always did when he got uncomfortable. "That was two days ago."
Remus felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice down his spine. Sirius's response was exactly what he had expected, but hearing it out loud, affirmed, was much, much worse than he had imagined.
"Your dad-" Remus said, his voice hoarse.
"My mother," Sirius said. His tone was bitter now. "Dear father doesn't like to dirty his hands with discipline unless it's something really bad. It's unfortunate. He doesn't know where to hit. Not like my mother." Sirius glanced up at Remus's face, quickly, as though afraid to be caught looking. "It was my fault," he added.
Remus shook his head as hard as he could. "Sirius, don't say that."
"It was," Sirius said. "Besides, if I was going to call Bella something, I should have come up with something much more creative than brat."
He grinned at Remus, but Remus couldn't return it.
"Sirius," he said quietly.
Sirius's smile dropped. His gaze did, as well.
"Do you… I mean, do they…" Remus struggled for words. "Is this… normal?"
Sirius shrugged. "It's normal for all old Pureblood families. Except for James's, of course." Remus definitely heard some bitterness there. "His parents would never touch a hair on his perfect little head, no matter how badly he misbehaved."
"And they shouldn't," Remus said. When Sirius glared at him, he added quickly, "No one deserves that, Sirius. I don't care if it is tradition."
"You don't understand," Sirius said.
A strange sense of déjà vu washed over Remus. He said, "Then make me understand."
Sirius looked at him. Remus met his gaze evenly. Sirius was the first to look away.
"It's not a big deal," he mumbled.
"It is a big deal," Remus said. He frowned. "Do you… do you have any more?"
"Any more…?"
"Bruises."
A beat. "No."
"Sirius…"
"No."
"Then take your shirt off."
Another beat. "No."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to."
"What are you hiding?"
"Nothing!" Sirius snapped. From across the room, Peter sniffled and turned over. Remus and Sirius both froze, waiting until the noises died down again.
Sirius turned to glare at Remus. His eyes shone in the moonlight. "Why am I even talking to you?" he snapped, turning to get up.
Remus leaned forward and grabbed Sirius's arm. Sirius stopped. "I'm just trying to help," Remus said softly. "Please."
Sirius shook him off. Then he grabbed his night shirt and tugged it over his head in one swift move. Remus sucked in a breath, staring at Sirius's bare chest. The moonlight illuminated a patchwork of bruises and scrapes, stark against his pale skin. Some looked days, even weeks old, already fading, while others looked fresh.
"Are you happy?" Sirius stuck his arms out, twisting so his body was in full view. "Should I parade around the room? Do a few twirls? Is this good enough?"
Remus felt tears burning in his eyes. He was messing this up. But he didn't know what to do. His own scars twinged in sympathy under his shirt, but Sirius's were so much worse. He had done his injuries to himself. Sirius had been hurt by someone who was supposed to love him.
"I'm sorry," Remus whispered.
Sirius stopped. He lowered his arms, staring at Remus. "What are you apologizing for?"
"…I don't know. I'm just… sorry."
Sirius slowly slid back onto the bed. He wrapped his arms around his bare chest. "It's not your fault."
"It's not your fault either."
Sirius snorted. "That's funny."
"It isn't, Sirius."
"I'm a blood traitor," Sirius spat. "I'm worse than Mudbloods, in my parent's opinion. I've been trained since birth to be the heir to the noble Black fortune, and still I can't do a single fucking thing right." Sirius grabbed two fistfuls of hair and squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm a disgrace to my family because I'm a Gryffindor and I'm a disgrace to Gryffindor because I'm a Black. No matter what I do I just can't get anything right."
"You are not a disgrace to Gryffindor!" Remus scooted forward earnestly, anxious to make Sirius understand how wrong he was. "You're the epitome of Gryffindor, Sirius. You're brave and confident and bold and you stand up for others-"
"Ah, yes, I'm so brave I'm reduced to a cowardly wreck every time my mother so much as points a finger at me," Sirius snapped. He buried his face in his hands. "I can't even stand up to her. I can't stand up to any of them. I'm not brave enough to be a Gryffindor. I'm not Black enough to be a Slytherin. Merlin knows I could never be in Ravenclaw or even Hufflepuff- I'm useless. I'm-"
"Sirius," Remus interrupted. He scooted forward again so their knees were touching. He sat there in silence until Sirius reluctantly looked up and met his eyes. "You are not useless. You aren't a coward for not standing up to your family. You have absolutely no control over that situation, and it's terrible, and you don't deserve it, but you aren't weak. They're the weak ones for taking out their frustrations on you."
"But it's my-"
"It's not your fault, and you shouldn't ever think that," Remus said. "You can't let them make you think that you're anything less than you are."
Sirius's gaze dropped. "They try to make me understand," he mumbled. "Every time I go back there, they unload all their Pureblood crap on me. They're running out of time to try and salvage anything from their Gryffindor disappointment. They think if they lecture me enough I'll comprehend how wrong I am about the world, and how right they are." He fumbled with the collar of his night shirt, which lay in his lap. The light illuminated the bruises on his ribcage and stomach. He looked up at Remus, and his eyes were suddenly wide and frightened. "What if… what if it works?"
"It won't," Remus said immediately.
"I'm a Black, Remus," Sirius said, his voice dropping to a whisper. "Every opinion, every violent act in our family history is running through my blood. What if I am just like them? What if one day I wake up and I hate all the Muggleborns and start trying to take power? What if-"
"You reveal that Dumbledore's been harboring an illegal werewolf in a school full of children?" Remus said.
Sirius's cheeks colored. "I wouldn't!" he said. "No matter what- I wouldn't give your secret away, Remus, believe me."
Remus smiled. "I believe you," he said. "And that's what makes you different."
Sirius frowned. "I don't-"
"Can you name one other family member of yours who would be sitting here right now, sharing a bed with a werewolf voluntarily?" Remus asked.
Sirius stared at him. He didn't answer, but Remus didn't need him to.
"Exactly," he said. "You are different, Sirius. You're not like them, you're nothing like them. Your last name doesn't matter, and it doesn't define you. Sirius Black might be the heir to the Black family legacy- but Sirius is a Gryffindor who would do anything to help his friends, who thinks the Muggle world is enchanting, who would never do anything to hurt anyone else unless he had no other options."
Sirius was still staring at him. Remus couldn't read the expression on his face, but that earnest worry had leaked out of it. Remus supposed that was progress.
"I don't pretend to understand what you're going through," he said quietly. "If I could do anything to stop them from hurting you, I would. But please, Sirius- it's not your fault, and nothing they do is ever going to change who you are. And remember-" he tried to grin at Sirius, who still had no expression on his face. "-you'll always have us."
They fell silent. There was no sound except for James' steady snoring and the occasional ruffle of Peter's sheets. They sat there, cross-legged on the bottom of Remus's bed, knees touching, eyes locked. Remus tried to find any expression in Sirius's face, and that was when he realized his friend's lip was trembling.
Remus impulsively wrapped an arm around his friend's shoulder as he leaned forward, his face buried in his hands. His thin shoulders shook with silent sobs, and Remus realized with a jolt that this was the first time he had ever seen Sirius really cry. It was horrible to watch; Sirius expertly stifled any sounds before they could escape, but that just made his body rock harder, and Remus squeezed even tighter as his rock-solid friend crumbled to pieces in front of him.
Remus reached out and dragged the curtains closed, hoping the thick fabric would stifle any sounds. He didn't want Peter or James to wake up and start questioning Sirius when he was so vulnerable.
"It's alright," he said quietly as Sirius turned onto his shoulder and cried, his mouth clamped shut over his sobs. Despite the awful situation Remus felt himself glow with a small measure of pride. Sirius had comforted him so many times- Remus was glad he was able to do the same, just this once.
After a few minutes Sirius' violent shaking turned into trembling. He sat up, his face bright red, his eyes puffy with exhaustion and tears. "Sorry," he muttered, his voice raspy.
"Don't," Remus said. "Everyone cries, Sirius."
"Not Blacks."
"I thought we agreed you weren't really a Black."
Even in the dark Remus could see the grin that split Sirius's face. "I suppose I'm not," he said quietly. Remus heard him struggle into his shirt and then lie down on the foot of the bed, his legs hanging over the side. "They're a load of twats."
"The twattiest," agreed Remus.
Sirius laughed out loud. "You're such a dork," he said, his voice sleepy.
Remus leaned back against his pillows. With Sirius lying there he couldn't extend his legs, but he didn't mind. He knew Sirius couldn't be alone right now. He was just relieved that he had been awake to find him, and that it hadn't been Peter or James who had gotten up to talk to him. Remus wasn't very good with these situations, but he was positive that he was better than their two other friends.
"You know, this is the last thing I expected to happen," Sirius said. From the tone of his voice, he was already half-asleep, and probably sinking into some kind of a dream. "I always thought I'd be sorted into Slytherin and go on to carry out the family legacy. I never thought I'd be sitting in Gryffindor tower with a best friend who's a werewolf."
Remus's heart thumped. "Best friend?" he whispered.
Sirius made an incoherent noise. "Of course, stupid," he mumbled. "What do you think you are?"
Remus didn't respond for a moment. "I never thought I'd be anyone's best friend."
Siriusyawned. "Get used to it," he mumbled sleepily. Then he started snoring, and Remus knew the conversation was over.
It must have been close to three in the morning, but Remus stayed awake for a while after that, staring up into the darkness, Sirius passed out on the foot of his bed, ruminating over the fact that he was somebody's best friend.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
"Again?"
A sudden flood of light made Remus open his eyes and immediately shut them again. He heard someone muttering something.
"Wow, that's foul language even for you, Black."
Remus opened his eyes again. As they adjusted, he made out the forms of James and Peter standing next to his open curtains, still wearing their pajamas. Remus glanced down to see Sirius sprawled out at the bottom of his bed, his mouth open slightly. His eyes were still shut.
"Why don't we just get rid of Sirius's bed and get a swimming pool or something?" James asked. He sounded irritated, but when Remus looked up, he was grinning, an amused look on his face.
Sirius snorted and flipped onto his stomach, his arm hanging off the side of the bed. "Swimming… pool…" he murmured, his face pressed up against the mattress.
"Is that a yes?"
Remus sat up, the blankets sliding off of him. He rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?" he asked.
"Early," said James. "Peter woke up and saw that Sirius wasn't there, so he got scared and woke me up, and I figured he was probably here." James nudged Sirius's arm and jumped back when a fist came swinging at him. "Bloody hell, Sirius, we need to get you help for this whole violence thing."
Remus rolled his eyes and nudged Sirius with his toes. "Sirius, wake up."
Sirius wrinkled his nose. "No," he mumbled.
"Do I want to know why Sirius crashed on your bed when his is three feet away?" James asked.
Remus shot him a look. "We were talking," he said.
Realization crossed James's face. He raised his eyebrows. "Is everything…"
"Everything's fine," Remus said.
James lit up. "Oh, good," he said. "We've got thirty minutes until breakfast, so get a move on." He aimed a last poke at Sirius, dodged the punch, and walked back to his bed snickering.
Remus nudged Sirius again. "Sirius, get off my bed."
Sirius sighed loudly but otherwise didn't move.
Remus repositioned himself against the headboard and kicked Sirius hard so he flew off the bed with a bundle of sheets and a muffled yelp.
"Hey!" Sirius poked his head back up, glaring. "What the hell was that for?"
Remus couldn't respond. He was doubled over laughing, tears growing in his eyes.
Sirius rolled his eyes and struggled to his feet. "Yes, yes, that was hilarious." He grabbed a pillow off his bed and chucked it at Remus, trying to hide a smirk.
Remus was too busy laughing to avoid it. It smacked him right in the face, not even phasing him, and soon Sirius was rolling on the ground laughing, too.
James poked his head out of the bathroom, toothbrush in mouth, and asked, "What the hell?"
Remus pointed at Sirius, clutching his stomach. "Bed- fell- yelled like a-"
Sirius wheezed out, "Pillow- face-"
James stared at them for another moment. "You're both insane," he decided.
Remus fell back against his pillows, sighing. His sides hurt, but every inch of him was thrumming with happiness. Everything was back to normal, and he knew this year was going to be a great one- even if they were a little insane.
A/N: Thank you all so much for the reviews! Not sure if I'm going to write anything more on this fic or leave it here. If you have any suggestions for one-shots that could fit here, leave them in the reviews! Thanks 3