This chapter is dedicated to 10th Squad 3rd Seat since a lot of this chapter deals with their requests and sugestions. I hope it satisfies. :)
In other news, Jane Ryder's Detour is now up. I wrote it at 2 am in case you couldn't tell ;P
Disclaimer: I don't own DW or the song "Across the Starlit Sky" by Jennifer Thomas. I do love that song though. It's what Jane plays in this. You can look it up on YouTube. It's just absolutely perfect.
Despite Rose's protests, she falls asleep the minute she is in bed. Which is good for me because it means I don't have to face the wolf until tomorrow. Unfortunately it means dealing with the rest of Tyler's by myself.
But it turns out fine. Dinner is pleasant, Tony is entertaining. I actually put him to bed and he begs me for a story. I smile at him and pull out my Journal.
I flip through the pages to find one. I
know that Rose has told him all of hers, so I decide I'll do one he doesn't know. Near the back of the Journal I find one of my favorites. The song and the fish. A great special.
I spin the story about the little boy and how the the Doctor became the ghost of Christmas past. I tell how Amelia becomes the ghost of the present and how the grumpy old man meets his past self to show the future.
Tony's eyes are wide as I describe the flying fish and the young woman who can sing to them and control them. I try to leave out all the sad parts. A three year old doesn't need that.
When I'm done, I kiss his forehead goodnight and go to sleep in the guest room.
DWDWDW DWDWDW DWDWDW DWDW
The next morning I find Rose in the living room drinking tea with a thoughtful expression.
"Morning."
She nods a greeting without looking at me. I go to the kitchen and get myself some tea before returning and sitting on the couch next to her.
We sit in silence for a moment like we do most mornings. It's a sort of ritual now after a year of being roommates. That thought always throws me. I've been here a year. And I live with Rose Tyler.
"It's so strange."
I look at her.
"What is?"
"This."
She gestures at herself and I know what she's referring to.
"It's like...I can feel it. All of it. The movement of time. And the beats of both my hearts. And the turn of the earth."
"We're falling through space, you and me."
She looks at me and nods. She's not surprised as much by my quotes of her life. Much.
"Yeah."
"Are you okay with it? You're an alien now."
"Mmm. I think so. It's like...it's like I've always been this way. My body feels natural. It's just my mind is a bit confused. It still remembers being human. But it isn't, an it seems to be easier to process that. It shouldn't be this easy."
I take another sip of tea.
"I wouldn't question it. The universe doesn't make things easy often. Take what you can get while it's offering."
She huffs a laugh.
"Yeah, you're right."
She looks worried and I don't want her to be.
"Everything's going to be fine. You'll see. You're gonna get back, and the Doctor will be so happy. I mean, he's not alone anymore. There's you."
"Or you."
She says it so quietly I barely hear it.
"What? What do you mean?"
"You love him, right? And he had to have loved you. Your Doctor. How could he not? You're brilliant. And beautiful. And brave. You're in love with Doctor."
I don't know what to say to this. Everyone loves the Doctor. That's how it works. But he's fiction. she's waiting for me to say something. She's waiting for me to answer. So I tell the truth.
"It's not that simple."
"Love is never simple"
"No that's not...it's not..."
I sigh and gather my thoughts.
"I love the Doctor. Yes. I think everyone does at some point. But...I'm not in love with him. I love his bravery. I love his kindness. I'm a...fangirl. And I see him as a hero. I'm not in love with the Doctor. I'm in love with the idea of him."
She doesn't seem to understand it all that well but I don't know how else to explain it. Not really.
"He doesn't love me Rose. Even if my Doctor did, and he didn't, your Doctor won't. Because he's yours. And you're his."
"How can you know that?"
I smile. There's so much she can't know. But I can give her a glimpse.
"You love Brad Pitt. But he doesn't love you."
"That doesn't even make sense. Brad Pitt doesn't even know me."
I raise my eyes brow at her.
"Oh. My Doctor doesn't know you."
It's true. He doesn't. But neither did my Doctor. Not that she needs to know the details. My point is still made.
"Why are you helping me? With the canon you could go home but you won't. But still you help me. Why?"
"I've told you why I can't go home. And maybe you don't really understand it but that's how it has to be. It doesn't matter if you never get why. But as to why I'm helping you?"
She looks at me expectantly.
"Because I'm in love with the idea of you. The idea of you and the Doctor. Forever. As it should be. I'm helping you because I need to. Because you're my reason."
"Reason for what?"
"Believing. Living. After everything I've been through It would be easy to give up. But you haven't. The Doctor hasn't. After everything he's been through...I think I can keep going. I just need a reason. You're my reason. You and the Doctor."
"Because you're in love with the idea of us?"
She really doesn't understand but I can't expect her to.
"Let me show you something."
I help her up and I lead her to another room down the hall. There's a large piano here that's never used. I sit at the bench.
"You play?"
I brush my fingers over the black and ivory keys.
"Not for a long time."
I look at her as my fingers remember their place on the instrument.
"I'm in love with a lot of things. But what they all have in common, is love itself. I'm in love with the idea of love. I've felt the love of a parent and a friend. But not the kind that you have for the Doctor. But the idea of that depth of emotion is thrilling."
I look at my hands.
"There's a song. You might know it. I don't know. It's sad and it's hopeful. I think it embodies all the love stories that I root for. The girl who waited and the last centurion. The madman on a cloud and his impossible girl. And the Doctor and Rose Tyler, the bad wolf."
"Those first two sound like fairytales."
"They're all fairytales Rose. Maybe I'll tell you someday."
With that, I begin to play.
I think of Rose and nine. And Rose and ten. Sadness and heartbreak and unspoken words. I think of Amy and Rory and how beautiful their story was. I think of Clara and how she sacrificed herself for the man she loved. A story so sad, because he loved the mystery of her. And she loved the mystery I him. An she lost him and he lost himself but she found herself in it all.
The music swells and I'm no longer in the music room of a fictional house. I'm playing in my living room. And my mom is humming along. And my dad wants to but won't because he knows he'll just ruin it.
I don't know how long I was in the void, but it could have been a thousand years. It feels like that long. But I still love them. Those faded faces from the past. And I know that I always will. For the rest of my life. No matter how short. I know that I'm going to die soon. My song will end. But Rose doesn't. No one but me. And I came to terms with that reality a long time ago.
Everyday, I'm closer. Almost there. My fingers stop moving just for a moment before I softly continue to the end. I pour everything into it. My pain, and my guilt. I resolved never to speak of the Humacra incident to anyone. But what I can't say out loud is said through the black and white keys.
The last vibrations from the piano drift away out the window, I blink back the tears. I smile sadly at Rose and her eyes are a mirror to my own.
"Thank you."
It's for more than the song I know. It's for everything that I have and will do. And it is enough. It has to be.
"Can I ask you something?"
I look at her expectantly.
"When we were in that world, and the evil granny threw me to the ground and you came in?"
"Yeah. What about it?"
She bites her lip.
"Well...your eyes. And...everything about you really. In that moment. It was like..."
She's trying to get something out but I don't understand.
"Like...?"
"Like you were the oncoming storm. You went all oncoming storm. Why?"
I take in a sharp breath. Was that what I was like? I think back. It was over a week ago and so much has happened since. But I remember how I came in and how angry I was. I laughed and raged and wouldn't stop. Nothing could have stopped me I think. And then there was the Humacra incident. I'm more like the oncoming storm than she can possibly know.
"What exactly are you asking me?"
"I dunno. I guess. I'm asking you how. Who are you? Ya know. You came here and for a moment I thought you were me and you said that you were in a way. And then other days you're more the Doctor. In fact, you're like him a lot. You have the same eyes, and know so much and when you came in like that all fire and rage...who are you? Really? You never say."
I suck in a breath and I think. Who am I? I'm not who I was before. I can't be. I couldn't be. Time has changed me. But what have I changed into? Rose asked the Doctor that before. With the Dalek. It's changin'. What about you Doctor? What the hell are you changin' into? Who am I?
"Lieutenant Jane Ryder, Torchwood operative, and overseer of the Cannon project. That's who I am."
"That's not what I meant."
"You asked who am. That's who am. A year ago I was someone different. But she's dead Rose. That girl died in a plane accident. This is my life now. It's not pretty and it's not perfect. But this is me and this is who I am. You know me Rose Tyler. You know me as well as anyone can."
She looks at me with searching eyes and I look back, silently begging her to take what I've given and to just let it go. I sigh in relief when she breaks her gaze with acceptance.
I need to move on now. It's time to go to the next step in this process.
"So..."
I grin.
"Tomorrow you're going to jump. Do you want to know where?"
She grins back.