Chapter 61

The wind had picked up surrounding him with cold air that made his ears tingle and his teeth chatter. Sam turned up the collar of his wool coat to give his ears some meager protection from the elements before quickly stuffing his hands back deep inside his pockets. He hadn't been walking long, maybe about ten minutes, but it was starting to feel longer as each stretch of land looked like the last, on the nearly dark, very deserted road. At least the moon was full, a beacon in the sky to guide him.

He had driven this way more times than he could count, the hidden patch of road right off the interstate. Not many people traveled it anymore, except for hunters and Sam supposed teens looking for a secluded place to park. That was his reason for first coming down this road so many years ago. He wanted a place where he could be alone with Quinn and not have everyone know his intentions. Lima felt so small at times, if he sneezed within the hour everyone he encountered would be asking if he had a cold. Word traveled that fast, especially when it was about him or his family. People always seemed just a little more interested in the activities of the Evans family. Sam had grown up under the scrutiny, usually it didn't faze him, it was just a fact of his life, but once he started dating Quinn and his feelings for her deepened, he longed to be out of the spotlight so he could just be with her.

When Quinn had led him into the woods earlier, he had no idea where they were heading, nothing looked familiar, maybe because of the darkness or maybe it was from all the years he had forgotten. Still Sam was a little unnerved at the fact he didn't recognize the place right away, it was their spot after all. Actually if he were honest it was his spot. Before Quinn even arrived in Lima, Sam used to spend time in the old woods that bordered his family's land. As a kid he, Puck and Santana, and sometimes Brittany would trek through the backyard and into the massive forest that surrounded the house. They had even beaten a path, they had ventured there so much. The pond was their place to ice skate in the winter, splash in the summer heat, and play hide and go seek amongst the trees.

As Sam got older, Santana and Puck lost interest in the woods, but he still came from time to time, just to sit, to get away from his crazy mother and always critical father. It had been his refuge. He guessed that was why he took Quinn to that spot in the woods, because in a way she had become his refuge too and he wanted to share a peaceful part of himself, to somehow let her see that he was more than his reputation indicated, and he could appreciate quiet beauty as much as she could. The place became theirs. Skating on the pond, sitting in each other's arms at the base of a tree, talking about their dreams, he recited his first poem to Quinn there. Too nervous to face her, he had stood a few feet away staring into the murky water. It was in Irish Gaelic, one of the old ones, as his father called them. He'd heard it all his life, the poem was so much a part of him, a part he tried desperately to hide, but he wanted her to hear it, to know why the words meant so much.

Sam let the past overtake him as he continued to walk against the wind, they were teenagers again, the sun shining between the trees, and he shared that poem with Quinn, but it felt like he was sharing his heart, a piece of his soul. And when he turned to finally look at her, Sam knew, that all he was feeling was true, and that she was feeling it too. With tears in her eyes she came to him, long blond hair streaming behind her as she took his hand and held it against her lips. In that moment Sam knew he'd love her forever. He'd given her his heart that day and she kept it, cherishing it like a precious gift. Even later when she left him for Puck, Sam still held onto that memory, returning to their beautiful place in the woods, visiting the tree where he'd carved their names and remembering all he used to have with her. Sam had left a piece of his heart in the woods back then, he knew with certainty that he'd never love anyone the way he loved Quinn, and he didn't want to, so he buried that part of him deep, under the roots of that great oak tree and tried to move on and forget what perfect felt like.

The present rushed back in angry and fierce. Everything had changed since then his perfect memories were tainted now, their place defiled. The ground trampled by strangers leaving their stuffed offerings, shedding tears for a little girl they didn't even know, but their tears had drowned his own, their feet had erased his footprints, their bows had wrecked the natural beauty of their tree. It felt like his grave had been unearthed, and that long buried part of himself was left exposed to the world, and it was all because of Quinn. Mental pictures of Beth in the cold by their tree filled his mind, now that he had specifics to flesh out his nightmares he couldn't make them stop. There was no more ignoring his gut, swallowing down the feelings of dread, or explaining away his visions. They were all real, inconceivably so. Never would he have believed Quinn capable of this, yet here he was faced with the undeniable truth, Quinn had hurt their daughter.

Light on the dark pavement and the road illuminated, a car was fast approaching behind him. Sam moved over toward the edge of the shoulder, nearing the grass, to avoid being hit. The car slowed beside him, though Sam kept walking. The window opened and a voice reached out into the darkness.

"Out for a midnight stroll?"

Great it was Dr. Nosey of all the cars to come down the road it had to be hers.

"Yeah something like that. I like to reflect on my birthday," he responded as he kept walking.

The car crept along beside him matching his pace. "I had no idea you were so introspective. I'm impressed."

"I thought we established there is plenty you have no idea about," he said as he walked. "Especially when it comes to me."

"Maybe if you hadn't fired me that wouldn't be the case, we could've gotten to know each other better."

She had raised her voice to the verge of yelling as if increasing her volume would somehow make him interested in what she had to say.

"No you mean you could have pried your nose into my life making snap judgments and bitchy comments, no thanks. I have my mom for that."

"Why don't you get in the car Sam?"

"I'm fine thank you. I'd rather walk." He bundled his coat tighter around him and picked up his pace. If only he had thought to bring a flashlight, he could have veered off into the woods where she couldn't follow.

"It's like 15 degrees and you just got out of a coma, as a doctor I can't just leave you here."

"I'm not your patient. I'm a grown man. You can't force me to get in the car with you."

"You're right I can't, but maybe your mom can. Let me call Mike and he can tell your mother where you are. I know she'll rush right over here and scoop you up."

"Why me?" he asked coming to a full stop. He walked over to the open car window and popped his head in. "Don't you have some other ex-patient you can harass?"

"Harass? Sam I'm hurt. I thought we had come to an understanding after our little road trip together. I thought we might've even bonded."

Sam let out an exaggerated laugh. Was this woman for real? "All you did on that road trip was ridicule and judge me. You were pushy, inconsiderate, way out of line, and –"

"And helpful," she interjected. "I was the one that signed the papers to get Quinn released remember? Where's my thanks for that?"

"Right, my bad, thanks Kali, thanks so much for helping me to release the mother of my child and bring her back to Lima to be reunited with our daughter, the baby she left in the woods to die."

"So you know. Mike told me that's why you came out here, but I wasn't sure if she had told you yet."

Her tone softened and Sam wanted to throw up. He could hear the pity in her voice. That was the last thing he needed was for people to start feeling sorry for him, although they probably had been this whole time, he was just too clueless to realize it. Between his almost yearlong coma, his memory issues, and his abandoned baby, he was doomed to have to endure the whispers from the good people in town.

"Oh she told me, in excruciating detail," Sam said bitterly. "I even got a tour of the very spot where Beth was left. I saw that little monument that was erected, or would you call it a memorial? No it can't be a memorial if the person didn't die right? What would you call that display?"

"Sad. It's all very sad, and I'm so sorry it happened." Sam looked over at her, a little surprised at the crack in her usually icy demeanor. "Quinn had discontinued treatment at the time and a part of me always wonders if I had just tried harder to reach out to her, to get her to come back to sessions that maybe this could be avoided."

Sam sighed heavily staring at the ground, before opening the car door and getting inside. "It's not your fault Quinn's crazy," he said quietly.

"We don't use that word," she scolded, shaking her head at him, her black hair falling into her face. "And furthermore I wouldn't use it to describe Quinn then or now. She was suffering from a mental illness."

"Fine. I won't use the C word, if you'll stop using the past tense. Quinn's still sick isn't she?" he asked needing to know, but fearing her response.

"Sam I shouldn't be discussing…."

"Just tell me Kali, I need to know for my daughter. You don't know the things she said…" he trailed off shaking his head, unable to even get the words out.

"Sam where is Quinn right now?"

"She's nowhere," he said turning to stare out the window. "Just like me."

"Sam, look at me," she demanded pulling on his coat sleeve. "Where is Quinn?"

"Whoa getting pretty intense there doc," he said leaning out of her reach. "Are you worried I left Quinn alone in the woods?"

Standing in the dark, facing that damn tree that seemed to glow neon, the moon playing crazy tricks with his eyes. There she was, head bowed, sniffling loudly, as she tried to explain the unexplainable. Sam didn't want to hear it. Nothing Quinn could say would make things better. He just wished she would stop talking, but he didn't ask her to. Instead he let her continue to go on with her excuses as he tried to tune her out.

It was just that tree, the heart he carved seemed to glow brighter the longer he stared at it in the darkness, blood red now, taunting him with silent accusations. Why had he kept this place at all, protecting it from development like some sick shrine to a relationship that was long over? He had bought the land while he was married to Brittany, secretly of course, because he didn't feel like explaining why he needed almost 100 acres of forest simply to save one oak tree. At the time there were no other options, their tree couldn't be destroyed to make way for a strip mall or another subdivision. Sam hadn't visited the woods since he left Lima that first time for the Army, but knowing the tree still stood, the solid keeper of all he loved so deeply, had been enough for him. Now standing in front of it after so many years, Sam wished he had an axe to chop it down or better yet a match. He'd let the whole place burn and maybe then he could find some relief from this misery.

"Don't call me doc. And I do know your family's reputation, so I think my concern is justified." She put the car in park and turned off the headlights, covering them in the eerie glow from the moon.

"But I thought we agreed not to judge each other by our relatives," he said mocking the agreement they had made during their first meeting.

"You just learned some hard and overwhelming news. It wouldn't be a shock if you didn't take it well, sometimes when emotions run high things happen."

No shit lady was his response in his mind. His emotions were about as high as they could go. Every part of him was on edge. He wasn't sure if he was angry or sad or hurt or some garbled combination of them all. The only thing Sam was sure of was that his life sucked. The woman he loved hurt their child months ago and there was nothing he could do about it. If it had happened today he would have known how to react. It might have been brutal, definitely not pretty, but at least it would have been a real response, but seeing the ghosts of what happened, the weather worn remnants of a terrible act, had him at a loss. It felt pointless to explode or take physical action now, so much time had elapsed. He'd be shadow boxing the past.

"You actually think I could hurt Quinn?" Sam asked, not really as surprised as he probably sounded. Kali didn't have a high opinion of him from what he could tell.

"I don't know what to think Sam. You're being really evasive right now."

"Maybe I just don't want to talk to you. Ever think about that? Just because I don't want to share, doesn't mean that I left my daughter's mother hanging from a tree."

Her eyes widened. "Is that what you wanted to do to her when you found out she left Beth? Hang her from a tree?"

"You're really sick lady. I know psychopathic tendencies run rampant in your gene pool, but not all of us live that way. I'm not a violent man."

In all honesty, if anyone else had done this to Beth he would have been burying the body by now. Sam knew without question he'd kill for his child, but the fact that the villain in this scenario was Quinn, a woman so tied to his heart, he didn't even feel like he had one until he met her, complicated things greatly. Sam had felt the urge to hurt her in the woods. As he dragged her out, unable to bear being near that damn tree any longer, with Quinn close behind him rambling about second chances and spending the night at the Beacon, he had nearly snapped. Turning around abruptly to face her, ready to bite her head off and for a split second maybe wring her neck. She didn't even seem sorry about what she'd done. All the explanations and the hope filled words about their future, not once did she express anything that seemed like remorse. It felt as if she were blaming him for not being there to save Beth from the woods. Maybe it was just his own guilt playing with his mind, Quinn did seem to realize that she had been irrational the night she left Beth out in the cold, but acknowledging her illness was not the same as expressing regret, and that distinction had made it hard for him to communicate verbally with Quinn.

"You're the one that brought up hanging not me. And given your history and questionable relationship with the law, I have a right to be concerned."

"Again with the judging. You have no clue about my family."

"My cousin Santana was married to Dave Karofsky. Your sworn enemy right? And Dave tried to choke the life out of Santana when he discovered that she was still messing around with Brittany."

"I am nothing like Dave!" Sam yelled.

"You and Dave are from the same world. Probably share similar values. If he was enraged enough to almost kill Santana over another woman, I wouldn't put it past you to react the same or worse over your own child."

Okay well that he understood. A man protects his children and family no matter the circumstances. Sam had been raised to think that way, and he was fairly certain the Karofskys held the same belief. That was one similarity he was willing to accept.

"I'd like to think I'm a better man than that. I know how to control my emotions and not allow them to get out of hand."

Stories about his temper had gotten around town, when people mentioned him big lips and temper were probably his two most known traits, but he wasn't an animal. He did know how to reel himself in, especially with a woman. Although for a brief moment tonight he had felt himself starting to lose it. Quinn wouldn't stop talking and all of his mental exercises to keep his temper under control were failing. For a few minutes he actually considered leaving her behind, out in the woods alone, in the dark, to let her feel exactly what she had put their daughter through. He didn't want to rescue her some time later and prove his point, he didn't want her found by a hunter, he wanted her gone, "disappeared" as his dad sometimes said. Then as fast as the idea entered his mind, it left. Even imagining Quinn permanently out of his life felt wrong. He may not want to deal with her right now, but have her gone forever? That just wasn't something he could handle.

"More like you repress your feelings until you're ready to explode. Do I need to call the police? Is Quinn safe?" asked Kali reaching for her phone.

Sam shook his head, feeling incredibly sad. "I would never hurt Quinn. I had Daley take her back to the Beacon." He couldn't stand to look at her anymore so he pushed her sobbing into the car and ordered Daley to drive away.

"Why didn't you just say so?"

"Because I'm not proud of it okay? There Quinn was practically begging me to understand all that she had done, to show her some basic mercy, or give her some comfort and I couldn't even do that. I just watched her cry and did nothing."

"Okay but just because Quinn was looking for all that from you, doesn't mean you had to give her anything."

"But she needed me and again I let her down." He didn't even have the coma to use as an excuse this time. He was here and alert and he still couldn't be the man she needed.

"Sam, you had a whole heap of pain dumped on you, in the most direct and upfront way. I can only imagine what it was like to see that tree and all the mementos left around it."

"It felt like I was staring at a grave, but not my daughter's grave but my own. The man I thought I was, the man I want to become sort of died tonight at the base of that tree. I don't know…" He shook his head trying to clear out the confusion. "If I were better, stronger, if I were around then maybe this would have never happened, maybe the woman I love wouldn't have been driven to such…" He struggled to find the words. "To such a dark place."

Tears stung at the back of his eyes as he beat the cold glass with his fist. Why did this have to happen to them? They were on their way to happily ever after, with Beth and a chance at a life together, finally, but now, after all this, Sam felt cheated once again. Losing three years was nothing next to losing the hope of forever with Quinn and Beth.

"No one expects you to handle this in a day," Kali said softly as she started the car.

"Quinn does. She actually thought we could just move on from here, tonight."

Tuning her out hadn't been a complete success and Sam had heard much of her tearful pleadings. She wanted him to go to the Beacon with her tonight as they had planned, as if nothing had changed. She didn't seem to understand that being around her was killing him, and having to see her face, hear her voice, especially in a confined space would just make things worse for them. Of course, he didn't tell her any of this, he didn't want to speak to her either, but he thought it all as he led them out of the woods to the street.

"Quinn's being positive, which is good for her, given the circumstances. She believes in a future again, but you're not her and you can't be expected to feel the same."

"I kind of feel like I've been handling everything wrong since I woke up and now I have to make things right," he admitted.

"Right for who?" she asked glancing over at him quickly before returning her attention to the road.

"Right for my family. My daughter was abandoned. I don't care if it wasn't that long or that she was too young to understand, I understand and I need to fix things for her. I've been back on my feet for weeks and I have been barely around for her."

"Spending more time with Beth sounds like a good idea, maybe it will make you start to feel like you're handling things better."

"Beth's not the only problem. There's her mother too. Quinn was in tears when I left her. I can only imagine how scared she must be. I promised that I'd never turn my back on her. She expected me to keep that promise, to completely be there for her tonight, even after all this. And I just wasn't."

"I think you're being too hard on yourself. From everything I've witnessed you've kept that promise to Quinn well. You've been a good friend to her."

Getting Quinn free was his singular goal since coming out of the coma. It had shaped all his decisions and interactions from the moment he discovered she was locked away. Selfishly wanting access to Quinn was one of his reasons for wanting her back in Lima, but he had also been thinking of Beth and of Quinn too. Sam couldn't think of any good reason why Quinn should have been stuck in a hospital for the criminally insane, no reason that didn't have his father's underhanded fingerprints all over it that is. Now he knew just how misguided he had been and he felt like a complete idiot. Everyone had tried to warn him in subtle ways that things were not as he assumed, and that Quinn wasn't quite the innocent victim he believed her to be. What if he had made a mistake in having Quinn released? Had he unknowingly unleashed a threat on his daughter? Sam shivered at the idea, still not wanting to believe that Quinn was capable of such acts, even now that he had proof she indeed was.

"Fine I'm a good friend," he said not really in agreement with the assertion. "But you can't dispute that I've been a terrible husband."

He hadn't thought about Mercedes in what seemed like hours. He didn't even want to think about her now, he was so ashamed of his actions toward her. He had been so righteous in his defense of Quinn, tossing Mercedes's subtle hints and visible fear aside, so sure it all stemmed from jealousy. Smacked with the facts, feeling like such a fool, how could he ever look her in the eyes again? She was looking out for him then, trying to protect him from this, and he had berated her for it.

"You'll get no argument from me there," said Kali.

"Thanks." Feeling a little offended she had agreed with that so quickly, but who was he kidding, he had practically told Kali that he wanted to replace Mercedes with Quinn the day they went upstate to the hospital. He didn't tell her all the specifics of the deal with his father, but what he did reveal was enough to make him look like front-runner for the 'husband from hell' award.

"I thought that's what you wanted to hear. You seem intent on blaming everything on yourself."

"Everything is my fault so how could I not? I cheated on my wife and broke her heart, I got Quinn pregnant and she got PPD, I wasn't around to save my daughter and she was left in the woods."

Inwardly he groaned as he listed all his crimes in his mind. Waking up from the coma had only added to his offenses. He was a selfish bastard no matter how he looked at it. If anyone should be "disappeared" it was him. He didn't deserve to be a father, to have the support of his family, to have a wife still loving him despite his flaws. Alone and miserable seemed like the best punishment after all he'd done to the people he was supposed to love.

"Hate to break it to you Sam but life is hard. People go through pain and problems, everyone, not just you, maybe some of your choices caused things to happen but there comes a point when you just have to suck it up and start dealing. Blaming yourself is just another way of running and hiding. The real test is what you do next."

"Next?" he asked staring at her profile as she drove.

"Yes how are you going to deal? You've been in my car, but you've yet to tell me where we're going. Are we going to keep driving around Lima in slow circles or are you going to make a decision about your next move?"

They came to a stop at an intersection, waiting for the light to turn green, but for Sam it felt like so much more. Kali was right, as much as he hated to admit it. This was his chance to set things in a new direction, to change things for the better. Seemed almost appropriate that during the wee hours of his birthday he would be faced with a choice such as this. There was a kind of hope in making a decision, having the power to actually direct the course of his life. Since waking up, life had seemed like it was happening to him, no control over what came next, but now he knew most of the big things he missed. With that understanding it became clear that he didn't have to wallow and hide from things, he didn't need to disappear, he needed to man up and handle it all, find a way to deal with both Quinn and Mercedes, because he had a daughter to think about and Beth was more important than his mangled feelings.