Chapter 63
It felt nice to be in his arms, too nice. Mercedes inhaled him one last time, squeezing him around the waist before letting him go. Only once she'd turned her back and focused on the baby bottles still in the sink did she answer his question. "I told you my mom was an awful person. I had a pretty rotten childhood, but it's over now."
"There's something else. What aren't you saying?"
"I was a sad, frightened, lonely little girl. I know what it's like to be abandoned and tossed aside, to not have your parents around, maybe that's why I can relate to Beth. But look at me now all grown up with a better life and I even met my prince," she admitted with a smile he couldn't see.
"I'm no prince, with all the ways I hurt you and all the dark thoughts that run through my head. There's nothing noble about me."
He had no idea how special he was, that was something that always stunned her. "You're so wrong Sam. You saved my life."
She had found love and home with Beiste, friendship with Puck and even Shane, her confidence had grown from going to school but even with all those positive changes she still felt so lost. Drifting down the right path, outwardly appearing like she had propelled herself toward being better, but inside she was still a dark and jumbled mess. Her mom had spent sixteen years training her to embrace the gray sides of life, to twist the system to her advantage, to use her body to get ahead. Lessons like that don't just disappear with tea and homemade cookies in Beiste's kitchen, they were an intrinsic part of her psyche, a part she was desperate to hide. Good people didn't instinctively want to lie. Normal girls didn't have to talk themselves out of stealing from an easy target or flirting to get a free meal. Those things were second nature to Mercedes, impulses she had to stifle on a daily basis, like an addict it was one day at a time for her. No one understood that, how could they? She was raised by a freak, but Sam had understood. He seemed to have similar thoughts, maybe not quite as devious, but growing up in the Evans family forced him to also live just outside the normal boundaries of morality. He saw her dark side, knew about her awful past and he never judged her for it - no pity, no disgust, he just took her as she was.
"I couldn't save my daughter from all of this. Why didn't you tell me what happened to her?"
The despair in his voice matched the look in his watery eyes. Mercedes ached for him, longing to hug away the hopelessness he seemed to feel, but she resisted, unwilling to entangle herself in him again so soon after she had broken free.
"I wanted to tell you, so many times, but it wasn't my place. Besides you'd never believe it coming from me."
"Still I deserved to know. Although I wish I didn't." His shoulders slumped and his head dropped. "No I guess what I mean is that I wish it weren't true. I keep seeing Beth alone in the woods in my head."
She'd been there. Nightmares still plagued her, about the crash, about Beth, only time seemed to ease their hold.
"I'm sorry Sam. It'll get better though, trust me."
"I'm here fighting the urge to go back into her room to check to see if she's still breathing. I am tempted to pick her up and hold her all night."
If only she had done something. She had seen the signs, knew Quinn was off balance, maybe if she had spoken up none of this would have happened. Ultimately she had let Beth down, and she was in a position to protect her. Mercedes would never forgive herself for that.
"I used to sleep on the floor in her room after it happened. I couldn't take my eyes off her. My imagination ran all over the place. I wasn't able to really relax until she was…"
"Until she was sent upstate," he said finishing her sentence.
"Yeah." Sad as it was, Mercedes had been relieved when Quinn was safely confined. It was one less worry off her shoulders.
"I wish you had told me this sooner."
"What difference would it have made?"
Nothing would have stopped Sam from finding a way to free Quinn. In his mind, he was rescuing her from an evil prison. He had a hero's heart. Mercedes loved that about him.
"I might have made different choices. Maybe I wouldn't have rushed off and fixed things that didn't need to be fixed. I'm questioning everything now."
"Are you saying you regret having Quinn released?" she asked perking up. Maybe Sam actually was having a change of heart about Quinn.
"I don't know what I'm saying. Let me help you with that," he said changing the subject. He took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves before joining her at the sink.
"You don't have to. I'm used to doing it. Dirty bottles are my life," she chuckled.
"Now they're my life too," he said with a little smile. "So are you washing these before you put them in the dishwasher?"
"Yeah I have a three step system. I wash them by hand, then run them through the dishwasher, then sterilize."
He passed her the bottle he had just washed so she could put it in the dishwasher. "That's a whole lot of washing," he said, his dimples surfacing.
Her face warmed, self-conscious about his comment. Kurt had teased her in the past about her system for taking care of Beth and Beiste had subtly hinted she might be overprotective. Maybe she was being neurotic when it came to Beth, but she couldn't leave anything to chance, she was responsible for keeping an actual human alive and healthy, and she'd never even owned a pet. It was a whole new world for Mercedes and as scary as it was at times, she had loved every minute of it. Having custody of Beth was one of the best things to ever happen to her life.
"Well I just want to make sure they're clean. I don't want Beth to get sick, she's been through enough already, being premature, and with Quinn…" Her voice faded as she looked over at Sam, head down, hands submerged in the soapy water, shoulders so tense they were straining his white shirt. "Hey, I know you need to go. Why don't you call Daley and I'll finish this."
Sam shook his head slowly before looking at her. "You're not even her mother and look at how you are."
Blinking back the tears that sprung to her eyes she shakily continued to fill the dishwasher with bottles. "I'm sorry if I'm doing too much, I just have a routine and I know I'll need to step back now…"
"No stop," he said touching her hand. "Don't get upset. That's not what I meant. I'm glad you're doing it. I'm just sickened that Quinn and I haven't done our share."
"You were in a coma, but you're here now. There are tons of dirty bottles in your future," she said bumping his hip lightly trying to get him to perk up.
"My daughter is perfectly happy without me, without her mother. She doesn't need us."
"That's not true. Look at me," she said touching his cheek with her damp hand. "Beth needs you in her life, she's been waiting for you to come back and be her dad. She's waiting for Quinn too. Beth needs her parents."
"I just feel like I let her down." His voice cracked as his emotions threatened to overflow. Sam shook beside her, silent tremors as he gripped the edge of the sink. "That place, that miserable cold, dark place in the woods where she left her, Mercedes she did that because of me. She wanted me to save her. I don't know if I can live with being the reason my baby almost died."
Tears formed in her eyes, matching the ones in his. There was no stopping now, she was in too deep with him, his pain was hers, even when she didn't want it to be. Rising up on her toes, she put her arms around his neck and hugged him, her cheek pressed against his, the light stubble tickling her skin. He was so warm, almost burning through her skin. His hands were wet from the dish water, the moisture dampening her nightgown.
"You're not to blame for any of that," she said next to his ear, like a sacred vow only he could hear. "Quinn is, she did it. She left her there." Sam went limp, letting all his weight fall on her, like he was expecting her to hold him up, to carry his weight. And she did, urging him to relax in her arms.
"But I'm the reason why," he choked out against her shoulder, squeezing her so tight she was starting to feel lightheaded.
What had Quinn done to him? Sam was taking on a burden that wasn't his to carry. Quinn had hurt Beth, yet Sam was acting like the guilty one.
"Her reasons have nothing to do with you, not really. You were in a coma fighting for your life and she knew that. She wasn't floating around town wacked out of her mind, she knew you were sick."
Sam shifted back, raising his head from her shoulder, but not letting her go. His arms still encircled her waist. "Quinn wouldn't have done this if she were thinking clearly."
"You know what? I don't care about Quinn and what she was thinking that night," she blurted out angrily. "I care about how you're standing here trying to take the blame for something that wasn't your fault. I'm not going to let her do that to you. She's the one that hurt Beth, not you."
"I want to hate her."
Mercedes sighed. "But you can't."
"No, I can't," he said sadly.
Sam didn't have to hate her. Mercedes had enough hate for the both of them. She had tried not to let her feelings turn so negative, but this was the last straw. Quinn had damaged every facet of their lives, destroyed their little family, and now she was trying to take Sam down too.
"Love's crazy like that, contradicts all reason sometimes." She was living proof of that, as she stood in their kitchen consoling her husband about another woman. But Sam had showed her compassion and had understood about her feelings for Shane, so she was trying to do the same for him now.
"I never thought anything could hurt worse than losing her to Puck all those years ago, but this, I am just battered. What she did to my baby…"
"It's okay that you still love her. I'm sure it will help her get well, having your undying support."
She rubbed his shoulders in comfort but inside she was fuming. This was worse than anything he had to endure with Shane. Mercedes had never gone on in such detail about her confused feelings for the guy like this, and it wasn't like she could ask him to stop talking about it. He was confused and basically how he was feeling wasn't his fault. Well it was, because he was the one causing his amnesia, but he didn't currently have the power to change anything, so Mercedes knew she had to grin and bear conversations like these if she wanted to be a part of his life. She just wished he would stop and think about what he was saying from time to time. Sam had to realize that she didn't want to hear him wax on about his great love for Quinn.
"What about what I need?" he asked tightening his hold on her body, anger coming off in him in waves. "I'm just supposed to suck it up and support her after all she did? I can't even look at my child without seeing her almost frozen in my mind. She did that to me. How can I just forget that and let it go?"
"I don't know, but I do know that if anyone can pull it off it's you," she said trying to soothe him and reassure him. If anyone could get past what Quinn did it would be him, Mercedes had always known despite her hopes to the contrary that Sam would never turn his back on Quinn, never allow himself to see the real her. "You can be so compassionate and loving. You always find a way to see the best in people, to look past their flaws and mistakes. Your heart is one of the best things about you. It's what made me fall for you I think. I was a complete brat, out of control, annoyed you endlessly I'm sure and yet you still managed to tolerate me. You gave me a job when no one else would, you kept trusting me when I didn't deserve it, you saw the good in me when no else did. You gave me a family and a home, you loved me without question or hesitation. I'm probably not the type of woman you expected to be married to," she laughed lightly, embarrassed about admitting that to him so openly. She wanted Sam to see her as someone worth keeping around, not as some charity project that he married when his options were low, but she was being honest, no matter the cost. "No one expected you to date me, let alone marry me, but you did, and I don't know how I managed to get so lucky, but I'm ever grateful."
"Even with all the pain I caused you?" He smiled down at her, caressing her cheek with his thumb.
"I'll take the pain, if it means I get to have you."
"Thank you for all this, for being here, for looking out for Beth." He kissed the back of her hand softly. "You take such good care of me."
"You don't have to thank me. It sort of comes with the wifely territory. And Beth's a special little girl. I feel lucky to have her in my life."
Mercedes felt herself starting to blush as Sam continued to pay her so much attention, touching her hair, running his fingers down her spine. He was keeping her so close like he wanted her to be near him, needed her to be with him. It was gentle and loving, something he would have done last year when he still remembered her. She missed this side of Sam especially after all the weeks filled with tension between them.
"I think we're the lucky ones. I was pushing you away, but I didn't mean it. You know that right?" he asked grabbing the back of her neck and tilting her head up. "I'm so grateful you're a part of my life. You mean so much to me."
His thumb traced a pattern along the nape of her neck, stirring something inside of her she didn't need to be stirred. Mercedes was dangerously close to being comfortable with him, letting her guard down and leaving her heart open for attack.
"It's just not enough to make you want me over her."
Quinn was the reason for his closeness, for his willingness to spend time in her company. She couldn't let herself forget that. She removed his hand from her neck, stepping out of his reach.
"Mercedes…"
"She almost killed your daughter and it's still not enough. Oh God, I can't do this. This..." She gestured toward him with her finger. "Is too much," she said rushing out the kitchen door into the living room. "What am I doing?" she asked herself running her hands through her hair.
"What's going on Mercedes?" he asked as he pushed through the swinging door looking thoroughly confused.
"This is all wrong. You shouldn't be here, well in there, casually washing dishes."
"I was helping with the bottles."
"I know that, but you shouldn't."
"Okay..." he said tilting his head to the side, scratching his brow.
"Look we are not normal. This is not a real marriage, you're not home." She paced the length of the room feeling agitated and too filled with pent up emotion to stand still. "Seeing you with your sleeves rolled up doing chores in the kitchen is a bit much even for me."
"Okay you lost me."
"Exactly. I lost you," she said stopping momentarily to address him before beginning her rapid pace along the carpet again. "You cheated on me. I kicked you out, then you went into a coma, and woke up wanting another woman. I lost you, so why the hell are you here now?"
"I..."
"I'll tell you why," she said answering for him. "For Quinn, everything is about Quinn."
"Actually I needed to see my child."
"Yes your child with Quinn. It's all about her, but when is it going to be about me? I'm your wife. I'm Mrs. Evans."
"I know that and I'm Mr. Evans," he said holding up his hand to show his wedding ring. "What's your point?"
"You don't care! That's my point. I've been trying to hold it together, be understanding because you were in a coma and this Beth stuff is hard, but I have feelings too. I have been wrecking myself over you, worried about your health, worried about Beth, worried that you're going to run off and leave me for Quinn and you just float in here and put all this stuff on me, looking at me with those sad puppy eyes, expecting to get your head rubbed."
He was a tease using his lips and his body to get her to comfort him, and she let him because she was a push over, and a sucker for his smile, and he absolutely knew it. Not like she could hide her attraction to him, there was a magnetic pull that forced her to gravitate toward him whenever he was nearby. Sam probably had noticed that weakness and now he was exploiting it get a shoulder to cry on whenever he needed one. A shoulder with lips he could kiss, and breasts he was allowed to touch because they were married, and she'd let him because she liked it, and he knew it.
"I never asked you to rub anything."
"You gave me the look! How am I supposed to resist that?"
"What look?" he asked with a sparkling white grin. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Sam had this way of trying to wear her down with his face and his suggestive overtures. It wasn't going to work, she was on to him now. She'd finish the conversation in the closet if she had to, anything to block the manipulative powers of his sexy lips.
"Stop that! You're doing it right now!" Sam snorted, trying to contain his laughter. He covered his mouth with his hand, but still Mercedes could see his eyes sparkle with amusement. "You're laughing at me?"
"Yeah I'm laughing because you're so strange. I've never had someone go off on me about washing dishes before."
"This is not about dishes, don't you get it? I finally have you back home, all to myself and you're going on about another woman and I'm letting you do it! I'm such a brain dead moron. Why do I keep letting you hurt me this way? It's like I'm a freaking masochist. I just don't understand it."
"Am I allowed in this discussion? Or would you rather keep having it alone?" he asked not even bothering to control his laughter at this point.
"Screw you Sam! I should just throw you out of this house. It's not like you really want to be here anyway."
"I don't do things I don't want," he said, suddenly serious.
Mercedes rolled her eyes. That sounded like a line to her. He had been doing things he didn't want all night. "Being coerced by daddy is not the same as actually wanting to do something."
"My father has nothing to do with us."
"Yeah okay. I think it's time you call Daley," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand.
"You're right I should head out. It's really late and I'm keeping you up and I shouldn't have just barged into your house. I'll go get my coat and call him in the kitchen," he said heading toward the kitchen door, looking a little dejected.
A pang of conscience hit her. She didn't want to leave things this way between them. This was his home and she wanted him to feel comfortable there.
"Sam wait, I don't want you to feel like you're not welcome here. This is your home too. You don't need permission to be here." Mercedes opened the drawer of the console table near the closet and retrieved a set of keys on a silver rectangular key chain. "Actually you should have these." She handed them to Sam.
"These are my keys?" he asked turning them over in his hand to examine them further.
"I think Will gave you the key chain with your initials on it last year for the wedding. I'm not sure though since things were a little hectic with you recovering from a serious infection and all."
"Right…" Understanding slowly crossed his face. "From being sick on our wedding day."
Mercedes nodded. "The only couple in Lima that raced away from their wedding in an ambulance instead of a limo. My heart hit the floor when you passed out at the end of the aisle," said touching her chest. "Leave it to you to find a new and creative way to break my heart." She ghosted his chest right above his heart with her finger, careful not to make contact. "You scared me so much that night. I thought I was going to lose you."
"I am came back though," he said looking down at his chest where her finger still hovered.
"Yeah you did that time. I think you must have nine lives all the scares you've had. Once while I was your assistant, your leg flared up again, something lingering from when you had that car crash with Quinn, Will and Emma the year before. It was bad, almost like our wedding day. I felt like I almost lost you then too, but you weren't mine, you were dating Rachel, so I sort of suffered in the background, didn't feel much different than now actually. Take that back, now is worse." Sniffling back tears as memories tried to overwhelm her. Then she thought that was the worst thing she'd ever live through with him. How wrong she had been. "I didn't know what it was like to be with you back then, it was all in my head, but now I know what I'm missing. Sorry," she said forcing herself back to the present. "I'm holding you up. I know you have to go."
"Are you alright? You look upset."
"Bad memories." She forced a small smile. "It'll pass. Go."
Slowly he retreated, backing through the door watching her the whole way. When finally alone she sat on the couch burying her head in her hands. So this was it. Sam was going to leave her soon, go off to see Quinn and work out whatever it was they needed to work out. That was a good thing she supposed. Beth needed her parents to get along and Mercedes had encouraged Sam to go, practically pushing him out the door. Having him in the house had thrown Mercedes off, making her feel things she shouldn't. It all felt too real like watching an old movie of the life they used to share. It wasn't real though, just a mirage, an illusion. She had more important things to focus on, like Beth, and her job, she didn't need to dwell on all the things she couldn't have.
But why couldn't she have it? She told Quinn earlier that night that she was going to fight for her husband, that he was worth any and all efforts. So why did she continue to talk herself out of getting close to him? Why did she insist on pushing him away whenever he showed any sign of authentic feeling? And why the hell was she rushing him off, straight into another woman's arms?
They started the evening together with the promise of a great first date, a night for just the two of them, and they had achieved it, even with the periodic disturbances by Quinn. Their date didn't have to end, just because his party did. They were married, one of the perks of such a union was the ability to spend extended time together. Sam was in the house they shared, settling in, doing dishes, wanting to be with Beth, confiding in her. This was the first time since he had come out of the coma that he'd shown any real interest in their life together. The pain of finding out what Quinn did to Beth was what brought him here, Mercedes couldn't dispute that, but it was up to her to make him stay. He came to her first, even if it only was to see Beth, he actively chose to make their house his first stop. That could mean something, if she let it. Sam was looking for comfort, but it was her shoulder he chose. He could have gone to his mom, to a random stranger, but instead he sought her out, holding onto to her like a life raft.
"Did you call Daley yet?" she asked bursting through the kitchen door. He looked up startled from his spot against the counter, his coat across his arm.
"I was just about to," he replied.
"Don't. I don't want you to go," she said taking his coat from him and putting it back on a chair. "It's cold, and it's late and you're still recovering."
"But I thought you were throwing me out." He looked confused.
"I was having a moment."
He smirked. "You mean a meltdown."
"Whatever, I'm over it now and I want you to stay."
Sam looked from the door, to the phone, then at his feet. "I really do need to talk to Quinn. I sort of left her hanging."
"She'll have to hang until the morning. I don't want you to go see her." Sam opened his mouth, probably to protest, but Mercedes cut him off. "Just hear me out. You need us to pretend to be happily married to keep Quinn free, so then we need to start acting like it. Happy husbands don't go visit other women at hotels in the middle of the night."
"So this is about keeping up appearances?" he asked eying her warily.
"This is about me being an idiot."
"Are you about to have another meltdown? Because you're not making sense."
"I don't want to think about Quinn anymore tonight," she said pulling herself up to sit on the counter next to where he stood. "You may remember her, but you chose to marry me, the way I see it I have nine months to prod your brain and remind you of why you made that choice."
"But Mercedes I don't want to hurt you if I can't be who you want, if I can't feel how…"
A kiss brushed across his lips stopped him mid-sentence. "You already feel it. I know you do. Everything I do is for you and Beth, never forget that."
"I won't," he said his eyes still closed, even after their brief kiss had ended.
"I love you so much," she said leaning against his shoulder.
Sam turned toward her, watching her intently, trying to decode a mystery written on her face. She kissed him again, taking his face in her hands. She unleashed an assault of kisses, dotting his face with soft pecks of her lips, repeating words of love against his ear, desperate that he believed what she said was true.
Again and again she told him, looking in his eyes so he'd know she meant it all. A dozen "I love yous" for every time she should have said it in the car, when he was bleeding and cold and begging her for some sign she still cared and she said nothing.
"I love you," she said again.
"Mercedes," he said attempting to pull away but failing. He stepped between her parted legs, getting closer, leaning in for every kiss, accepting the affection she was giving him. "What are you doing to me?" Breathless as if he were the one kissing her instead of the other way around, he grabbed her head and stopped her, forcing her to look into his eyes. Green eyes half lidded, lashes sweeping his cheeks, drunk from her kisses, his eyes flitted about her face like he was searching for something to focus on. She'd done this, made him dizzy and off balance. Sam ran his tongue over his lips. "Kiss me again," he whispered. Mercedes smiled at his request, only too happy to oblige.
"I love you," she said against his lips. He sighed into her mouth, his whole body relaxing against hers. "I love you," she repeated between more sweet kisses. "Stay with me tonight. In our home, in our bed." Sam's eyes flew open, clearly surprised by her words.
Twisting her fingers in his hair, she kissed him once more, deeper this time, lingering and soft against his mouth. It was up to him now, whether he would follow her lead and take a step into the life he couldn't remember.
She slid off the counter to stand in front of him, stepping back, her arm extended, silently praying that he'd take her hand, that he wouldn't leave her alone again to face another sunrise without him. Suddenly she felt so exposed in her baby blue cotton nightgown, her frizzy hair, and her rounded belly and side rolls, how could she compete with someone like Quinn? Years of history, a daughter together, and looks that made every man drool, Mercedes had none of that to give Sam. All she had was her heart, her promise of love, and she suspected Quinn would give all that to him too. Her arm started to shake as her insecurities began to grow. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to flee the kitchen in horror. He was going to reject her, leave her standing there wanting him. Why had she thought it would go any differently?
Then she felt it, his hand closing around hers, his chest brushing against her body, she opened her eyes to look into his face.
"Let's go to bed," he said with a nod.
Now he was the one in control, leading her by the hand out of the kitchen, up the stairs, confident and sure as if he remembered the way. Mercedes felt like she were stuck in a daydream, barely believing that this was even happening, that Sam was back in their house and soon to be back in their bed.