Chapter 64
Hands pressed against the cool glass that separated the balcony from the interior suite, bracing herself for the next blow, as if the ones she had already endured weren't enough. There was always another hit in Quinn's life, rattling any bits of happiness she managed to grab. She should have known that finally gaining her freedom from the hospital would come at a terrible price, far worse than the one that Dwight Evans had calculated. She was losing him, just when she'd finally gotten him back.
Months of dreaming of Sam, wishing she could be by his side, to talk to him again, to touch him, just for the chance to stare into those eyes that always looked at her with such understanding and adoration. All that she prayed for while he was trapped in that coma, suddenly came true, Sam returned and he was with her again, for one glorious night, she couldn't quite claim two because tonight she had to share him, but last night he was certainly all hers to snuggle with and to just behold the living miracle that he was, now only to be stripped away as quickly as he came.
And this time she was the one to blame. Mercedes didn't wreck his world with careless driving and persistent blows to his heart. It was her this time, his so called best friend that had taken up the role of destroyer. She couldn't turn her nose up at Mercedes any longer. She was now stuck in the same guilty sinking boat as Sam's wife. They both had hurt him, in so many ways.
Why hadn't she let him come up to the suite earlier that day? Why had she sent him away, back to his old life, instead of doing what she truly wanted and keep him with her? It felt like the right thing, the moral thing, and Quinn so wanted to be a good and moral person, the way she tried to be when she was young, before her quest for stardom and the realities of life made her chip away at her ideals. Entangling herself with a married man, even if it were Sam, seemed wrong on every level and Sam pleading with her to give their relationship a chance at the Holiday Inn last night hadn't been enough to shake those negative feelings. Then as the day faded into night and Sam had given her a glimpse of what they could have together, with their daughter, the distorted dream of family finally in focus as he painted such a picture of their future. So what else could Quinn do but give in to that dream and let herself get lost in him?
Not all relationships were built to last, she and Puck were proof of that, so maybe Sam's marriage was coming to a natural end as well. Ignoring his memory loss and the fact that Sam would have given up a limb to be with Mercedes before the crash, Quinn allowed herself to be convinced that life was too short to waste standing on moral high ground. Who was she fooling anyway? She had cheated on her fiancé and had a baby with another man, a married man. There wasn't much morality she could claim. Besides things were different now, Sam was different, and he didn't want his old life, he wanted to be with her and Beth. There was nothing wrong with being together if they truly wanted to be, was there?
But Sam had wanted all of those things before he knew the truth, before he knew the real her, the person she had become, the monster that had hurt their child. Sam had never turned away from her in the past, no matter what wrongs she committed, so she had convinced herself that this time would be no different. Sam would stand by her as he always did. Dissenting voices be damned, they didn't know Sam like she did. They didn't understand love that was so long lasting that it was practically unconditional. That is what Quinn shared with Sam an unconditional love that held them together no matter the circumstances life threw at them. They could love and lose one hundred other lovers but never each other, always they remained. The sun and the moon, Sam had reminded her of their unending connection in the car before they arrived at the woods, even then when he was clearly struggling with so much, he still believed in their forever.
Quinn tried to hold on to that, squeezing those words tight to her chest as she said silent prayers to the glowing moon behind the plate glass. She wanted to throw open the doors, step into the cold air and say her prayers out loud, so the moon and God and anyone else could hear her. Please don't let Sam leave her now, when she needed him the most. Please don't let hate replace the love in his eyes. And please God, most of all, let him forgive her for all she had done. As her thoughts floated in reverence, her mind willing her prayers to the highest crater of the moon, Quinn remained inside, leaning against the glass. She couldn't bear to go on that balcony now, not without him. It was their spot to share and Quinn would never venture out there again. Not until he was able to stand there with her, facing the Lima skyline, taking her hand the way he used to, only then she would know her prayers had been answered.
"Quinn are you going to stare out the window all night?" asked Santana from behind her. "Sam's not going to come flying up through the balcony you know."
Reluctantly Quinn turned to face her friend. She had been ignoring Santana for far too long, so lost in her thoughts. "I was just..." she hesitated not wanting to expose her intimate thoughts to Santana.
"Just wishing on a star?" suggested Santana finishing Quinn's sentence.
Quinn smiled halfheartedly as she took a seat next to Santana on the couch. "Something like that. I'm worried about Sam. He was so quiet earlier. What if he never speaks to me again?"
Santana shook her head and rubbed her arm in reassurance. "He will have no choice eventually. You share a child."
That wasn't very comforting. Quinn didn't want to Sam to talk to her because he HAD to.
"I don't have custody of Beth, he does, and oh my God what if Artie was right?" Quinn tucked her hair behind her ears as her agitation grew. "What if he decides to keep my baby from me? What if he is working with his father right now to put me away?" She was shaking from all the questions that suddenly flooded her mind. Everyone was right, Sam could turn against her and where would she be then?
Santana pulled her into a tight hug. "Quinn you need to calm down. Sam is nothing like his father. He just needs some time to adjust."
Quinn quickly let Santana go, uncomfortable with such outward displays of affection. "I used to think Sam and Dwight were so different, but I saw another side of Sam tonight, earlier before the party when he only suspected I did something to Beth he threatened me. It was scary."
A look of shock passed over Santana's face but she quickly covered it, returning to her usual light demeanor. "Did he put his hands on you in any way?"
"No he just said things but…"
She had never seen Sam so angry. It felt like she was with a different person the way he had changed so abruptly. One moment he was the sweet Sam she had always known, and the next he was threatening to do her harm. Quinn had been blindsided by his reaction, and for a brief moment she wondered if his head injury had produced more side effects than his amnesia.
"Then he was just blowing smoke, unlike Dave who actually tried to strangle me."
"Why did you stay with him after that?"
"I don't know," replied Santana as she got up and started refolding the pile of clothes on the bar. "I've asked myself that so many times, but normally Dave was not violent, he has a temper but he doesn't like to get his hands dirty. All that stuff with Brittany and me cheating made him snap I guess."
Quinn joined her at the bar, picking up a green sweater from the pile. Santana had come over to the suite with a bag of clothes in one hand and a box of tissues in the other after receiving Quinn's tearful distress call. Quinn had been blubbering into the phone, probably fairly incoherently about trees, hate, and Daley. Once inside the suite, Santana threw off her coat, handed Quinn a pile of tissues and got to work on calming her down. The first order of business was getting her out of her red dress, since tears and silk were a bad mix. Once Quinn had changed into her borrowed blue jeans and red long sleeve knit shirt, Santana ordered coffee from room service, and began pumping her for details. An hour later Quinn still hadn't divulged much. There was too much to say and no easy way to say it.
"Maybe Sam snapped too," said Quinn slowly considering the possibility. He had learned so much in a short time. His brain could have overloaded. "You didn't see his eyes Santana, so cold and dead. It was like he was looking right through me. I've never seen Sam like that before."
"What exactly did he say?"
"That's just it, once I told him everything and we were by our tree, he just sort of stopped talking to me. He dragged me out of the woods and ordered Daley to bring me here, but he never said a word. I'm really scared."
He had made her feel invisible as she talked incessantly hoping that something would get through to him, make him acknowledge her in some way. Sam hurried on, never looking back at the person attached to the arm he was yanking. Quinn had been in near hysterics when he opened the car door and silently waited for her to climb in. Never had she cried so hard in his presence, and nothing, not even a flinch from him. That might have hurt most of all, his complete denial of her pain. Not a soothing glance, or a comforting touch, still nothing, Sam's expression remained blank and cold as he shut the door to the car and stalked away.
"He's probably in shock. What happened to Beth was…" Santana paused, focusing on the dress in her hands as she searched for the words.
"You can go ahead and say it, I know what you're thinking." Quinn blinked back the tears stinging in her eyes. "I'm a horrible excuse for a mother. I left my child to die."
Nothing she hadn't said to herself a thousand times. Even after all her therapy sessions with Dr. Hill, Quinn still couldn't shake the guilt for what she had done. Wasn't therapy supposed to make her feel better not worse? And after tonight, when she tried to explain her mental state to Sam, how she had convinced herself that leaving Beth in the woods was right, saying those words out loud for the first time, and seeing that horrible blank look in Sam's eyes, like a candle flame flickering in the wind until it was completely extinguished. Any faith Sam had in her was lost tonight in the woods. Now he was like everyone else, seeing her as unworthy and damaged.
"I wasn't going to say that. I don't think you're horrible. I think you were confused and out of your mind. I've been there, so I can relate. Things got crazy for me with Brittany and Sam when he came home from the Army."
Santana was being kind. Giving into a jealous rage over a married lover was far different than abandoning a baby in the middle of nowhere. For an instant the room dimmed and Beth's big green eyes flooded her mind, angry and tear filled like they were that night as she turned her back and walked away. Quinn felt off balance gripping the arm of the couch until the image faded and the room returned to normal.
"Santana it's not the same. Your actions didn't hurt an innocent baby. I'm a crap mom and a crazy person. Those are just the facts."
"Quinn I thought you came to terms with all this and what you've done, that you realized it was your depression leading you astray. Why are you talking like this now? Did Sam say this to you? Is that why you are back to this again?"
It all had come startlingly clear in Sam's silent glare in the shadowy moonlit forest. PPD wasn't a good enough reason for her actions. Some part of her must have wanted to leave Beth behind.
"If only Sam had said all that, I would feel so much better," she mumbled.
Santana gave her a puzzled look. "Uh okay…"
"I just mean I would know what he's thinking, because now I have no clue. I'm worried about how he is handling everything. He was walking alone on a dark road, what if something happened."
Never bothering to look back, Sam ambled down the dark road, head down, collar up, ignoring the car as they drove past him. Quinn had twisted in her seat to stare out the back window, watching Sam until he faded into the darkness.
"Sam is fine, physically anyway. Kali picked him up and gave him a ride back to town."
"Sam's with Dr. Hill?" asked Quinn. That was surprising. Sam had made it clear that he didn't like the woman and had no need for her services.
"Not anymore, she dropped him off, but when I talked to her before I came over here, she told me he was okay. She actually said he was planning to come to the hotel to see you tonight."
"Here?" Quinn perked up. "Really?"
Maybe she had it wrong after all and things weren't as bleak as they seemed, if Sam intended to keep their plan to meet up at the hotel tonight after all.
"Yes. I'm guessing he wants to talk." Santana helped herself to a bottle of Evian from behind the bar, forgoing the glass and opting to drink straight from the bottle.
"So where is he now? It's pretty late."
Nervous anticipation prickled her skin, suddenly Quinn felt at a loss of what to do next. Sam was coming over and she didn't feel prepared, even after spending most of the night looking forward to it. Looking down at her borrowed clothes, she frowned, she was a mess, no way could she greet Sam in this. Then she remembered the night before, and the way he had looked at her at the hospital. Then she had been wearing her dreaded white sweats and Sam didn't seem to care. The clothes didn't matter. Being together was most important.
"Kali took him to see Beth," stated Santana.
"Oh right. Of course he'd want to see our daughter. Why didn't I think of that? Something is so wrong with me Santana. I've been back here at the hotel for almost two hours and Beth barely crossed my mind."
Quinn scolded herself for being so self-absorbed. Naturally Sam wanted to spend time with Beth, especially now. He probably wanted to comfort the baby and hold her and make sure she was safe.
Santana leaned against the bar eyeing her strangely. "What do you mean? We were just talking about Beth."
"I was talking about Beth in terms of Sam, how Sam felt about what happened to Beth, and how that impacted me. It had nothing to do with my baby. I am a selfish waste of space."
Rushing over to the couch to dig in her bag Santana said, "I need to call Kali. What you're doing isn't healthy. You can't think like that."
Quinn grabbed Santana's wrist before she could retrieve her phone. "No don't call her. I don't want her to rush Sam's time with Beth."
"Oh she's not with Sam any longer, she simply dropped him off."
Quinn swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in her throat. "So he's there with Mercedes. Great. Just what I need little perky princess making me look bad. You know she's like supermom." At every turn Mercedes seemed to be there, blocking her path to Sam.
Santana flopped on the couch and kicked off her shoes. "Consider yourself lucky she is supermom."
"Don't tell me she's gotten to you too," said Quinn, her face contorting in distaste. "You hated Mercedes a few hours ago. You were the one telling me I should get Sam to take Beth away from her. Now what? You're changing your mind?"
First Sam, now Santana, what was in the air at that party to make them suddenly turn Team Mercedes?
"Don't get me wrong, I still can't stand the witch, but I watched her tonight with Beth. I felt it was my duty as your BFF and Sam's sort of life long friend to check up on the person spending so much time with your daughter. And before you ask, yes I have tried to do this many times before, but Mercedes blocked me at every turn. She wouldn't let me near the baby, but tonight I had the chance to observe her on the sly and turns out she's actually really good with her, which shocked the hell out of me considering the monster that raised her. I figured her capacity to love and nurture would be extremely impaired."
Quinn rolled her eyes as she took a seat next to Santana. "Didn't Puck tell you? Mercedes is bursting with love, especially for Beth. I think she might love her more than I do."
"Don't even say that Quinn. That is so far from the truth. You love your baby. Everyone knows that."
Santana could plaster her with nice words all night long but it wouldn't change the truth Quinn knew deep within. Mercedes had freely given Beth all the love she had selfishly kept from her baby. Hiding behind her cries and the idiotic belief that her daughter hated her, Quinn had denied Beth of the basic thing she had to give, her love. Did Dr. Hill have a pill to fix her hideous affliction? The antidepressants she prescribed weren't doing the trick. Months later and supposedly cured, and still she couldn't muster up enough love for her own baby. Every time she said she loved Beth, even when she felt those flutterings for her around her heart, she always second guessed herself, wondering if she were actually feeling the emotion or if she was only making herself feel it because she knew she should.
"I'm not sure Sam believes I love Beth, not after tonight."
Perhaps Sam hadn't been ignoring her at all. Maybe his blank stare wasn't that of ignorance or denial but of knowledge. Could Sam finally see inside her black and empty heart, the heart she had warned him about all those years ago in high school. Did he now finally believe all that she had said about being incapable of loving someone? Surely what happened with Beth would be proof enough for him. Only someone devoid of all human decency could inflict such pain on a baby.
"Sam knows you love Beth too. Now is not the time to be down on yourself, Sam will be here soon."
"I know and I'm trying, it's just so hard when a college girl takes better care of my baby than I can."
It hurt to admit that, but it was undeniably true. Mercedes had been a better mother to her child in every way practically since the day she was born. Didn't seem fair that someone not even related to her by blood could so easily give her all the things her own mother couldn't. She prayed that all of this was temporary, a symptom of her PPD and not actually her worst nightmare come true. Quinn didn't want to believe that there was something permanently broken inside her that was preventing her from loving her baby, but in the back of her mind those fears remained.
"You've got a lot on your plate right now. Maybe it's not a bad idea to have Mercedes helping with Beth while you get back on your feet. At least you don't have to worry about her. Beth's safe and that's a good thing."
Santana was right, at least Beth was safe and loved by someone, even if it wasn't her. That's all she really wanted for her baby, to be happy, healthy and loved. Now that Sam was back, he could fill all the voids she had left in Beth's life, give her the parental love she had been missing.
"She is safe and that's all that should matter," she said half to herself.
"Exactly and on top of that telling Sam about what happened was a big step tonight. Now that everything is out in the open you guys will be able to build from there. Things are looking up Quinn," said Santana with an enthusiasm Quinn wished she could catch.
What if Sam knew she didn't love Beth the way that she should and was somewhere across town despising her for it?
"I don't know Santana. I can't shake the feeling that he might hate me."
He hated her right now. Hated her for making his life more complicated, hated her for all the lies, hated her for letting him fall so deep into her again, hopelessly gone, without giving him a hint of the misery lurking behind her green eyes and bright smiles. There were so many reasons to hate Quinn, a laundry list that grew as the hours ticked away, but the one thing he couldn't bring himself to hate her for was what happened to Beth.
It killed Sam to think about his daughter in physical pain, the needle like pricks of the bitter cold penetrating her skin, the sting of the harsh wind against her full cheeks. Then to know Quinn was the one that left her there to face that frigid night defenseless, screaming in a deserted forest, the horror of that clenched Sam's heart, twisting with every beat it struggled to make. Yet even through that, he couldn't fully hate her for her acts against Beth. Quinn was sick, he realized that now. Any doubts he might have had about her mental state quickly disappeared when he was with her in the old woods.
Quinn wasn't cured, not even close to it and that weighed heavily on Sam since he was the one that that set her free from an institution that she probably needed to be in. Then he couldn't stand to see Quinn trapped, locked away under the artificial lights and surrounded by stark white walls, but now he was the one imprisoned, stuck in a hellish pit of his own making, bound by all the words he couldn't take back. He had made promises to Quinn, promises of keeping her free and safe, promises of a life with him and their daughter, but how could he stay true to all those words now knowing what she had done? Instead of making things better for his child, he may have unleashed the very threat his family had worked so hard to keep at bay. Sam wasn't sure what scared him more, the thought that his daughter's life could again be in danger, or that the person he feared most was the one person that was supposed to love Beth best.
How could he even think such things about Quinn? In what altered universe did he wake up, that made him afraid of the woman he had always loved and trusted? Denial couldn't even spare him from this. It was all true and there was no turning back from it, his daughter was counting on him to keep her safe. He had to face all the ugliness displayed before him. Quinn wasn't who he thought she was anymore. That beautiful young girl that used to sing to him under the stars as they danced was lost to him now and Sam didn't know if he would ever be able to find her again.
"Sam are you okay in there?" Mercedes' little voice called out from the opposite side of the door.
Sam could imagine her, in the middle of the bed, only her feet tucked under the blankets, waiting for him. He'd changed into his pajamas, washed his face three times and brushed his teeth twice. There weren't many options for stalling in a bathroom so small. There was always the shower, he could really use a cold one, but he didn't see the towels and he didn't dare step outside the door and ask her for one, so instead he kept himself trapped inside the blue bathroom with his and hers sinks and an extremely large mirror.
Sam opened the medicine cabinet, hoping by some miracle that a new diversion would appear on the shelves, something that could give him a reason to be in the bathroom longer. Nothing new, still the same toiletries and a really big box of condoms. A fifty pack to be exact. Sam picked up the box and looked inside. The contents were half gone. He had been in a coma for almost a year. Why was there a box of condoms still in the cabinet? Wouldn't Mercedes have thought to discard them at some point, maybe at about month five when it seemed pretty clear that his recovery wasn't going to be swift? And why wasn't she on birth control? They were married. Why were they still using condoms? Were these even his condoms? Maybe these belonged to the lover she had while he was in the hospital. Sam still couldn't quite let go of the idea that she might have taken up with that Dr. Shane Tinsley like Rachel had insinuated. Mercedes had left the man a voicemail on her wedding day after all. Didn't seem a stretch to think that she would resume her relationship with him while her husband was comatose and very much out of the picture. Curiosity got the better of him, he had to know.
"So are these mine?" Sam asked holding up the box of condoms with one hand and opening the bathroom door with the other.
He stepped halfway into the room. There she sat, just as he had imagined, in the middle of the bed, waiting.
"Well yeah," she giggled a bit. "Mike gave them to you for a wedding gift."
Mike of course, he would do something like that. Okay made sense back to hiding. Sam retreated back into the bathroom closing the door slowly behind him.
"He gave us a whole case," he heard her say through the almost shut door.
Sam opened the door again and stepped fully into the room. "A case? That's a whole lot of condoms," he said with a small smile.
He could see inside his older brother's dirty little mind. He probably gave him the case of condoms with a snarky note attached about going at it like a couple of teenagers, since he had literally married one.
"I always thought it was a pretty nice gift." She twirled the end of her hair around her finger as she spoke, real slow and deliberate like she wanted to hypnotize him with that finger. It was working. Sam couldn't look away. Then unexpectedly she changed her tactic and ran both her hands down her bare legs, and Sam's eyes couldn't help but follow. "That's the last box," she added and maybe it was the low light but Sam could have sworn he saw her lick her lips suggestively. He had to get out of that room.
"We went through a whole case?" he asked leaning against the bathroom doorway for support. Somehow his feet had become glued to the floor.
"Mmhmm," she said closing her eyes as she responded, drawing out the sound like she was relieving the moments that each and every condom in that case was used. Suddenly her eyes were open and on him, the brown almost glowing in the barely lit room. "We had a lot of sex."
Sam's mouth went dry as he searched his brain for a response. His mind was working against him, conjuring up inappropriate images of sex with Mercedes and lots of it. How much was a lot exactly? The condoms came in boxes of fifty. How many boxes in a case? The answer to this sexual math problem was of utmost importance to him right now. Nothing else could penetrate his mind.
"Sam?"
"Yeah," he managed to croak out. His mind was still filled with cases of condoms and mental pictures of sex with her.
"Are you all right? You seem kind of quiet."
She had stretched out on the bed, on top of the blankets, her baby blue nightgown rising so high he could see the bright pink of her panties peeking through. Sam groaned as he turned away.
"I'm fine. I just need to brush my teeth," he said as he quickly darted back into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.
Once inside he took a deep breath, his head immediately starting to clear. He turned the water on and splashed handfuls of cold water on his face before once again staring at his reflection in the mirror.
How had he let himself get in this spot with Mercedes? She was fairly small, not a visible threat, he should have been able to get in and out of the house without incident. Visit with Beth, call Daley and head to the Beacon as he planned. Yet here he was somehow stuck in a bathroom, wearing his favorite blue pajama pants and a gray t-shirt, expected to join his wife in the bed, their bed actually. The bed they had shared numerous nights before and apparently engaged in obscene amounts of sex in the very short time between their wedding and his coma. God she was sexy with those sad eyes and that pretty pout. Those lips would be his undoing. They already were to blame for his current predicament. If only he had resisted the kisses, pushed her away, not responded, anything, to maintain his control, but who was he to deny a woman that wanted to give him sweet caresses?
It made no sense that he was so attracted to Mercedes. Sure she was pretty in a unique sort of way, but her appearance shouldn't have been enough to draw his focus from Quinn and yet she had, a few times. If only Sam could figure out what it was about her that enthralled him so much, maybe then he would be able to shut it out of his mind and move on, because nothing good could come from holding on to an infatuation for a wife when he was very much in love with another woman. Still those feelings hung on, remaining firm despite all his attempts to deny them. Mercedes terrified him worse than Freddy Krueger or the late night echoes of mortar fire. One look from her and he could be gutted one minute, aroused the next. She wielded too much power with those mysterious doe eyes. She could control him with just a glance. There was something about her that wouldn't let him walk away, she drew him toward her and he had no choice but to follow. Two months back in the world and she still was the biggest mystery in his life, and he was desperate to know all her answers, if only he weren't so afraid to ask the questions.
He hadn't thought it through when he agreed to spend the night with her here. In fact his mouth must have been on autopilot, flying solo from his brain, because when the words "let's go to bed" left his lips Sam swore an alien invader had uttered them. Not that he was opposed to the idea of sleeping with Mercedes, actually he was very much on board with it. If it had been a month earlier he would have raced her up the stairs. If it were four hours ago, he would have had her naked already, but finding out about Beth changed things, changed him. It no longer felt right to bandy about in his frivolous love triangle not when he knew his daughter had suffered so much. There were bigger things at stake than his raging hormones and persistent erection. He needed to be a dad, not a lover indulging in his naughty nurse fantasies. And yeah, he had a few of those hanging around his head, even after he had come face to face with Quinn.
The theory that Quinn Fabray would be enough to erase images of milk chocolate thighs in short shorts wrapped around his waist from his mind had proven very false. He still had inappropriate thoughts about his nurse, even as he actively tried not to. He had promised Quinn he'd keep his hands and lips off Mercedes and he had failed on both counts. He assured her that she had nothing to be worried about on the Mercedes front, and that too wasn't quite true, Quinn had a few reasons to worry, if Sam were to let her into the dark recesses of his mind, she would probably be disgusted, because his thoughts weren't pretty and mixed up with all those feelings of love for Quinn was some serious lust for his wife.
Okay so he was a horndog, from the minute Mercedes answered the door in the most unsexy but very short cotton pale blue nightgown, he was doomed. Sam had struggled to use his brain above his belt the whole time he was around her and when he wasn't thinking about her legs, he was in agony over Quinn and Beth. What a sick freak he must be! What kind of man could mix sexual thoughts with mental pictures of his baby almost freezing to death? An unhinged one clearly. Beth had not one, but two mentally unbalanced parents. Thank God for Mercedes. She was the best thing in his child's life at the moment, and he would be ever grateful she had taken Beth in. Mercedes was so sweet, sweet like candy, like cotton candy all soft and wispy light, melt in your mouth good, like the taste of her lips and the feel of her kisses as she made her way down his chest. Oh no! Where did that come from? He was in serious trouble if he couldn't keep his mind off of sex with Mercedes for more than two minutes. How was he going to handle a whole night in the bed next to her without losing it?
Sam needed to stay faithful to Quinn, he promised her that Mercedes wasn't an issue, but it seemed his hormones were intent on working against him. Then Sam caught himself. Why was he so concerned about staying faithful to Quinn? She wasn't even his wife, Mercedes was, and above all that Quinn had lied to him repeatedly throughout the night, so much in fact that Sam was having serious doubts about whether he truly knew the person he made all those promises to. Not that he knew Mercedes either, she was this complete blank slate he hadn't even bothered to try to get to know because somehow it felt disloyal to his feelings for Quinn. Which now when he stopped and thought about it was ridiculous, what harm could come from at least finding out a little more about his wife and the life he couldn't remember? Quinn had basically said as much last night, in fact she had been urging him to come back to this house and face Mercedes. So really being here was just him doing what Quinn actually wanted. Maybe he was just looking for excuses to make being this close to Mercedes okay, despite what Quinn said yesterday, tonight at the party she had made her feelings very clear. She didn't want him involved with Mercedes in any capacity. She was so jealous over a few kisses, what would she say if she knew they were about to share a bed? Then again why was he concerned about what Quinn thought anyway?
The door opened slowly and her head popped through the crack. "Are you finding everything you need in here?"
Dammit he should have locked the door. Sam nodded unable to find his voice. The walls were closing in around him as Mercedes joined him in the bathroom, her arm grazing his.
"Good." She smiled. "I got a little worried because you were taking so long."
"Sorry," he said clearing his throat. "Had to floss."
"Right. So shall we go to bed?" she asked not bothering to wait for his response as she took his hand and walked him slowly out of the bathroom. Once in the bedroom she turned to face him, smiling up at him as she stepped closer and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Sort of strange being here," he said trying to ignore how her fingers massaged the nape of his neck. "I'm still trying to find my connection to this room. I mean I see all my stuff, my bust of Elvis by the bed, but it still doesn't feel like I live here."
"I'm the connection." She rose up on her toes and brushed a kiss across his lips. He let his hands rest on her hips, holding her a safe distance from his body. "It's just like when we were together at the hospital and we got so close. It's just you and me again, and this time we don't have to worry about nurses barging in and interrupting us."
"Yeah, true," he laughed nervously running a hand through his hair. "Mercedes we need to talk."
"Don't you think we've done enough of that?" she asked swallowing his response with her lips.
Sam eyes widened, totally taken by surprise that she would kiss him so aggressively. His mind fought to stay lucid, to stave off the assault of hormones rushing through his body. Damn she felt so good, her lips soft against his. He sighed a little, completely involuntarily, mostly just to take a breath, but that little part in his lips gave her the encouragement to deepen her kisses, and dip her tongue into his mouth. His eyes slid shut and he somehow grabbed fistfuls of her hair pulling her roughly against him, kissing her back with matching intensity. He had wanted to kiss her like this in the kitchen when she had been teasing him with little pecks all over his face. Mercedes had done it so innocently as if she were completely unaware of the tormented beast sleeping within him. Or maybe she did know, and this was her ploy to get him to lose control. If so, it was working big time.
Sam was starting to forget the reason he needed to fight for control in the first place. Her breasts smashed against his chest, begging him to free them from their cotton prison. His fingers inched up the hem of her short nightgown, dragging the material upward as he ran kisses along the side of her neck. Slowly he moved closer to his treasured spot, his fingers hit the smooth skin of her back, and he stalled there, stroking in circles, enjoying the feel of her under his hands. The tip of his thumb traced along the underside of her right breast, and Mercedes shuddered in his arms, moaning against his ear, whispered rambles about loving him, missing him, begging him not to stop. It took his breath away how much she wanted him. He could feel it from every cell of her body as she clung to him, almost off the ground, straining upward to reach him better.
"Sam," she breathed his name heavily against his ear. "I've missed you so much. Don't stop."
He looked into her face, so pretty in the dimly lit room, her eyes were shut, her lips curved into a smile. She was waiting for him to make the next move to take them to the place they had danced around since they spent the night in the hospital, and a part of him wanted to go there with her, badly, but this wasn't right. On an exhale he stepped back and held her from his body at arm's length.
"That shouldn't have happened," he said. Her eyes snapped open, suddenly clear again after being swept up in a lusty haze moments before. "I think I might have given you the wrong impression."
"Wrong impression about what?" she asked trying to cover the hurt in her eyes.
"About why I'm here with you tonight. See I've had a rough night. Things are weighing heavily on my mind."
She touched his cheek gently, letting her palm linger on his face for a moment before letting it fall away. "I know that."
"So you get that I'm sort of preoccupied with Quinn and Beth? I don't want you to think there's something going on here that really isn't."
"What do you think is going on?"
Sam scratched his brow and shot her a puzzled look. Was she seriously asking him that question after the kiss they had just shared?
"Okay I think if we were to have sex tonight it wouldn't really be about us, not completely, and you deserve better than that. If we're together it should mean more."
"Who said anything about sex?" she asked with a forced lightness in her tone. There was a subtle tremor in her voice as she spoke that gave her away.
"Well you asked me to stay and all the kissing." He pressed the conversation not letting himself believe her pretense, though it would have been much easier if he had.
Mercedes tried to shift away from him but Sam held her there slightly away from his body.
"I just wanted you to sleep. You look tired."
"But the kissing…I thought…" Shut up dummy, he yelled at himself. She was saying what he needed to get them out of this mess. Why did he insist on pushing her toward truths better left unsaid?
"I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I think you're pretty hot. I like kissing you. I missed it, so if I stole a few kisses tonight, forgive me. I'm just really attracted to you." Her voice broke on the last part, a little honesty coming through.
"I'm attracted to you too," Sam heard a voice say. It couldn't have come from him because he was supposed to be escaping from this hole not digging in deeper.
Then he reached out and touched her hair, letting his hand tangle in the wavy strands. Her skin looked flushed with a pink tint and Sam could feel her body warm even with space between them. One little admission and she reacted like that? Sam couldn't help but wonder what she'd do if he let her know his innermost thoughts about her.
"Just because we're attracted to each other doesn't mean we have to do anything about it." She laughed with a roll of her eyes and a toss of her hair, then she turned away from him, heading over to the bed.
"So we're just going to sleep?" he asked leaning against the wall near the bathroom doorway, watching her. He didn't want to stray too far from his refuge, just in case things got intense again.
"Providing Beth cooperates, that's the plan." Mercedes climbed into the middle of the bed on all fours giving him steady views of her thighs as she moved. "Look I'll even make a barrier between us with some pillows." She started tearing apart the bed, taking pillows from the head of the bed and building them into a row down the center. "If I pile it high enough you won't even have to look at me. How's that?" she asked, looking around for more pillows to add to her fort.
"Stop that," he said suddenly on the bed next to her. Sam disassembled her structure pillow by pillow until there was nothing between them but the still warm air of the room. Her head was bowed, and her shoulders slumped, as she sat quietly focusing on the pattern of the blanket. He lifted her chin to see the shine of tears on her cheeks and that ever present sadness in her eyes. His stomach lurched as his guilt rose. "I don't need a barrier from you." Pulling back the covers, Sam slipped into the bed, holding up her side of the blankets so Mercedes could climb in. Without hesitation she climbed under next to him and fell into his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. He hugged her close, pressing kisses into the top of her hair. "I'm so sorry I was being distant."
"I'm a pretty sucky seductress. I went from practically jumping you to building a wall down the center of the bed." She buried her head against him, hiding her face.
"I don't know about that. You seem pretty good at seduction to me. We managed to end up in bed together," he said nudging her lightly hoping she'd get over her embarrassment and look at him again.
"You can stop the act Sam. I know you're only here because you feel sorry for me."
"My turn to let you in on a secret, I want to be here with you," he admitted hugging her tightly. "I knew I did from the moment you came to the door. You have this way of making me feel better."
She lifted her head, confused. "So why did it take you so long to brush your teeth? I sort of thought you might be avoiding me."
"I'm such a mess right now, so much in my head I don't know what to believe or who to trust and you're here, always here, looking at me with those pretty eyes. The way you look at me…" He faltered not sure he should continue. He was heading into a place he had tried all night to avoid. Her knee brushed against his leg and it felt like the universe was hitting him over the head with the obvious. Sam was past the point of avoidance with her. She was so close, in bed beside him, holding him, there was no point in running from her now. "I just can't believe...I mean it makes me feel like I'm so important to you, to your life."
"You're everything to me." Tear filled eyes met his, unrelenting, he couldn't pull himself way. She held him there saying so much without words.
"Why are you always here when I need you?" he asked rubbing her cheek with his thumb. "Ever since I woke up it's been you."
She smiled through her tears that threatened to fall. "I promised I wouldn't leave you in the car during the crash. I swore I'd never let go of your hand, but I did and you fell and..." She wiped at her eyes.
Sam took her hand from her face and brought it to his lips. "It wasn't your fault. You don't owe me anything. You can stop feeling guilty."
"I'm keeping my promise to be by your side and look after you. After all, you kept yours and came back."
Sam let his forehead fall against hers. "I've hurt you so much. I know you're disappointed in how things are now."
"You're here and alive. I can't regret that," she said in what was almost a whisper.
He shook his head, a humorless laugh escaping his lips. "If you knew what was going on in my mind right now, you wouldn't be saying that."
"I bet I can guess."
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"It's never been hard to read you. You're upset and confused because Quinn is not how you remembered and you're scared because you don't know if she is well and you don't know how she'll be with Beth. And then there's me..." She paused, biting her lower lip.
"Don't stop now Madame Psychic. What about you? How am I feeling about my little nurse?"
"You wish I were still your nurse and not your wife, so you could just escape with me and then walk away."
"That's not true," he lied.
"Yes it is." She sniffled. "You hate that we're married."
A kick to the ribs would have hurt less. It killed him that she felt so rejected.
"No I don't."
And he didn't. Never would he have expected to be married to someone like her, but now he understood all the reasons he was.
"Sam you don't have to..."
"God I'm so ashamed." He rolled away from her, covering his face with his hands. "It shouldn't have taken my father's blackmail to get me to come home."
"You don't remember…"
"That doesn't matter Mercedes," he said sharply, cutting her off. "A man doesn't just turn his back on his family. Once I found out about you, there should have been no excuses to keep me away."
He was so disgusted by his actions. Needlessly he had made things harder on her, giving her stress, making her need sedation, all because he couldn't deal with his emotions.
"I don't want to be an obligation. I don't want anything that's not from your heart."
"Don't you get it Mercedes? I wanted you in the hospital I went through all this anxiety trying to figure out a way not to leave you behind. That's why I asked you on a date. I wanted you since you gave me that Speak and Spell, before then." He ran his thumb down the slope of her nose. "The way you constantly talked to me, held my hand through everything, and that smile of yours the one you save only for me, I didn't want to lose any of that, not even for Quinn."
She seemed stunned. "But you were so mean to me."
"What else could I do? I needed to hate you, so I could get you out of my head." He dropped his voice a part of him relieved to finally say this out loud. "I can't have you both."
"So you chose her?"
"She's Beth's mom. I've loved her for so long and you were this new…" He stammered over his words. "Indulgence...distraction. It wasn't right to feel that way about you."
"I'm your wife. You are allowed to want me and be with me."
He turned on his side, hands under his head to look at her. She mimicked his pose on her own pillow inches away. "Yeah I know that. That's why I touched you when I shouldn't, kissed you instead of backing away, a part of my brain would never let me forget it. I was in the bathroom all that time trying to remind myself I can't have you."
"You can have me." Invading his space she kissed him, firm and direct, a decisive punctuation to her sentence. There were no doubts, no hesitation. She meant what she had said.
Something about her certainty turned him on more than he had been all night. Sam had suspected Mercedes would do anything for him if he only he were to ask, but to have her put it out there so directly stirred his inner caveman. This was his woman and she wanted him to grab her by the hair and drag her back to his hut. Metaphorically of course, Sam was pretty sure Mercedes wouldn't take kindly to actual physical dragging of any sort.
"No," he said firmly, maybe too firmly, needing to convince himself far more than her. "I made promises to Quinn."
Promises he intended to keep, even with all his present uncertainty about Quinn now that he knew what happened to Beth. Sam wasn't even sure he could look at Quinn the same way after this, but he had to try. He owed his baby a good life with a real family, something he never had growing up. So that meant he had to do whatever it took to give Beth a father and a mother.
"You made promises to me too before any you made to her. You promised to come back to me."
"I'm here. For the next nine months we're in this together. 'Awsiteng remember?"
"But that's for her. You're not here for me." Her lips trembled as tears started to fall again. Was she always this emotional or was it something he did to her?
"Mercedes..." He sighed before kissing away all of her tears. Getting this close was a mistake, but he couldn't let her keep hurting because of him.
"Sam I'm a part of you. Inside here." She placed her small hand over his heart. "Inside your soul. I'm yours."
"I can't...no." He tried to pull away, although admittedly he didn't move very far. He should have been on his feet and headed back to the bathroom, but he remained under the covers within her reach.
"Look at me," she said capturing his face in both of her hands. "It's okay. I'm yours."
Still he fought on, unwilling to let her words get to him. Shutting his eyes to block her from view, the tempting curve of her full lips, those eyes filled with so much love for him. "It's complicated right now. After hearing what Quinn did to Beth, I can't be selfish. My daughter needs me to focus on her."
"But what do you need Sam?" she asked against his ear.
That sweet floral fragrance surrounded him leaving him covered in her. He ran his fingers up her spine before cradling her against him, his hand buried in her hair. What he needed was impossible, a way to turn back time, a mystical cure for Quinn, an off switch for his aching attraction to his wife. If he could only let go of Mercedes, move away, grab his clothes and flee the house, then maybe there could be a chance to save himself, but as her lips trailed along his neck and her nails scratched his upper back, he knew all hope was lost. He didn't need this, but he damn sure wanted it and at the moment those feelings were one in the same. He rolled on to his back pulling her on top of him so she could lay flush against his body. Propping her chin on her hand she watched him as if she were still waiting for his reply.
Finally he answered. "I need to know about us. Our life together. Our marriage."
A slow smile spread across her lips, lighting up her whole face. Sam's chest tightened at the sight. She was so pretty with her eyes shining and her hair falling over shoulders.
"I think that can be arranged. I want to tell you everything. Where should we start?"
"I want to know what it was like to be with you. Why it felt so right to wake up with you in my arms the night we spent together in the hospital. I want to know if that warm content feeling that washed over me when I remembered us together at sunrise was real."
"I remember that morning under the window. We had just made love in your memory."
That he knew. He could feel tingles all over his body, for an instant so vivid, so real, a flashback of pleasure. A part of him had remembered being close to her, a treasured sensation, his mind had hidden away for safekeeping.
"I want to feel that again." He eased her up his chest until her face hovered above his, her hair falling around them shielding them from everything else. They were alone in this, just like at the hospital, and it felt right. Sam hadn't realized how much he missed being near her until this very moment. Inside his head things started to settle and a calm was taking hold the longer she looked at him. "I need it, I need you," he said so low he hoped she could hear. She ran her hands over his hair, before kissing his forehead sweetly. She'd heard him.
"I need you too," she murmured, a breath away from his lips.
No more discussions he was taking what he wanted for once. For weeks he had restrained himself against her, denying her vehemently in his mind, but being with her now, her thick thighs straddled across him Sam couldn't remember why he had fought so hard. Mercedes was so open with him, her heart on constant display even when he treated her cruelly. She had never given up on him, hanging onto her hope that one day he would let her in. And he had come so close with her, there were so many times before where he'd let her slip past his safeguards and touch his heart. It had been so difficult to keep her at bay, when she loved him and Beth so openly. Things he had only dreamed of, all those years in his bedroom as a teen, looking out into the desert sands in Afghanistan, searching the darkness while he recovered from his wounds after the war, always the same dream of a love that was true and complete, a family to call his own, to be the center of someone's world. He wished for it to be Quinn, even when there was no hope of it ever coming true. Brittany had let him down and apparently others had too, and left standing alone, with watery eyes and too bright smiles was Mercedes, an unexpected answer to his prayers.
How could he deny her any longer? Everything was in disarray in his life, nothing was what it seemed, but still there was her, as comforting and supportive as the day he woke up. He trusted her completely, he realized that now. And it was in that trust that he knew that being with her would be okay. It was safe to lie in her arms and let her stroke his hair, while she whispered loving words in his ear and not feel guilty about it. Like she had said, she was his, just as he had known in some inconceivable way since the hospital, when he felt it was okay to let her in, to let her glimpse his pain.
Flipping her on her back, he perched above her searching her eyes for any doubts. There were none as she snaked her arms around his neck and tilted her chest toward him. She wanted this, she wanted him. He let his weight fall on her molding her beneath him, and she smiled, her eyes fluttering shut. A leg wrapped around his waist, her foot lightly resting on his butt, her pink panties on full display tempting him to explore what was nestled beneath. He could have her now the way he wanted if he could just make the choice to let go of the past and embrace the present. If only he could push his feelings for Quinn away, something good might come in and eclipse all this pain. If only…