Chapter 65
The little nightlight plugged into the wall across the room cast a soft glow almost like the flicker of a candle flame as Mercedes watched Sam's face move in and out of shadow. Not that he was moving, in fact neither of them had moved in what seemed like an hour, just lying on their sides facing each other, staring quietly. Mercedes wondered what he was thinking as he watched her, sometimes he would smile, other times he seemed so serious. Maybe he wasn't thinking of her at all, maybe his thoughts were where they had been all night, on Quinn. She knew that deep down Sam probably would rather be at the Beacon hotel than here with her. If she were a better person she would insist he leave, so that he could carry on with his plans to be with Quinn tonight.
Sam felt so much for Quinn and the fact that Sam was feeling anything again was such a miracle, who was she to stand in the way? A better woman, a stronger one for sure, would've handled all of this with selfless grace and not forced him back into a life he didn't want. But becoming a better person was a process and Mercedes guessed she had more steps to go because right now, looking into Sam's eyes, there was no way she was going to insist he go anywhere. Staring into his still face for months, losing hope that he'd ever look at her again, those were the memories that still haunted her and made her selfishly keep him here with her in their bed. Almost their first year of marriage was spent like this, in a silent standoff with Mercedes waiting for him to wake up.
Reaching out and touching his lips the way she often did during the coma, the slight stirring of his breath the closest she could get to a kiss from him. Tears welled in her eyes as she remembered how very different their life was just a year ago. Then Sam kissed her fingertips as if he were reading her thoughts and wanted to remind her that things were better and that they'd made it through that dark time.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked caressing her cheek.
"I was just thinking about how glad I am you're here. We spent so many nights like this at the hospital. It's nice to be with you someplace different."
"So are you comfortable like this or would you rather curl up in a ball at the foot of the bed?" he asked with a smile that prominently showed his full pink lips.
Playfully she swatted at him. "I only did that because your hospital bed was so small."
"I know." He planted a kiss on her forehead. "I'm teasing. You look tired though. Why don't you get some sleep?"
"I'm fine really. I don't sleep much."
"You told me before you could only sleep with your husband." He flashed his grin and pointed to himself with both thumbs. "Husband here, so no excuse for you not to sleep."
Mercedes laughed, Sam could be so cute. "I have to admit I really missed being in our bed."
"It is comfortable." He bounced up and down a few times still in his reclined position. "Sturdy."
"This is the bed where we got engaged. Well not this bed exactly, and not that we got engaged in bed, I mean you asked before that, standing up." Embarrassment washed over her as Sam watched her with an amused look on his face. "What I mean is this bed is like the one at the hotel where we stayed when you proposed. After we were married you surprised me with this bed."
Moving back to Beiste's house had been a shock, but a good one, Mercedes actually was relieved to be starting her married life in the only place that had ever felt like a home. Sam had been incredibly sweet, carrying her over the threshold and up the stairs to the room they would now share. The large pine bed with its intricately carved headboard was his wedding gift to her. Surrounded by candles and rose petals he placed her in the center of their new bed and promised to make every night as good as the night they got engaged. Sam had been amazingly diligent about keeping that promise from every night forward until their world fell apart.
"Interesting," he said running his hand over the carved wood headboard, studying the bed closer. "I thought it was something already in the room."
"Nope it's ours. The only piece of furniture we would've had to take when we moved into our house."
"We own a house?"
"No. We were just starting to look when..." She bit her bottom lip to keep her emotions in check. Being in this room with him again brought back so many memories, especially ones of their last night together. Making love before their romantic dinner at BreadStix wasn't really out of the ordinary, they were newlyweds, amorous behavior came with the territory, but if only she had known it was going to be their last time together Mercedes would have kissed him harder, held him longer, told him she loved him a few more times. "Well when everything changed."
"What kinds of houses were we looking at?" he asked threading his fingers through hers. "I bet you wanted a big one with a tennis court and a pool on the west side of Lima."
"I definitely used to think that was what I wanted. I would look at all the estates and manors in LA and think one day I would have one of those."
"We could have had a house like that. So what happened?"
"I sort of figured out that home isn't about the place, it's about the people in it. I would have lived anywhere with you. I just wanted us to be together."
Sam smiled in a way Mercedes couldn't quite decipher. Maybe he thought her little story about homes and houses was sweet not realizing that he used to feel the same way she did. The nights before their wedding snuggled up in his room at his father's house they would plan out their lives. Imagining living in exotic locales or rustic huts, it didn't matter as long as they had each other. Sam had planned for them to spend their first year of marriage traveling the world. They had both taken leaves from work and their bags were packed, if only errant messages, lurking infections, and infidelity hadn't slowed them down. They would've been sailing in the Mediterranean instead of being stuck in the intensive care unit. There was a bright side to their very dark newlywed year, somehow they had managed to stay together, the divorce that loomed so large over their heads was forgotten once the car crashed
"The house I grew up in never really felt like home to me. I used to think that moving out was the answer, but being in the Army wasn't a home of course, and my apartment with Brittany didn't feel like one either."
"I always thought you liked your family's house. We were married there and we had planned to live there at one point, but then you moved us here with Beiste instead." She twisted the band on his finger, a rush of happiness filled her each time she spotted it back on his hand. One little right thing in her now upended life.
"When I found out this is where I had been living, I have to say I was pretty surprised. I figured I would be living in a much grander house. But being here just for this short period of time I'm starting to get it. I can see why I might have liked it. There's a warmth here, almost like the love is bleeding from the walls."
"That's the Shannon Beiste touch. She spreads the love in this house." Mercedes smiled as she pictured Beiste in her mind, like a warm hug. "Well she used to, now she's always with your dad."
"I noticed that. My dad seems to have landed himself a girlfriend."
"I think you might be right. I'm happy for them, but I miss Beiste."
"How's it been being here on your own so much?"
"I have Beth to keep me company. She's been this little miracle in my life. I was losing hope that you'd ever recover, nothing I was doing was helping you get well. Then she came with her smile that looked so much like yours and my whole life changed. I just knew you'd find a way to make it back to be here for your little girl. I found the strength to keep being positive about you by taking care of her. And I was right, you're here, so maybe it won't be just me and Beth anymore. Maybe now we'll have you?"
Pouring salt on her open wound, she took the chance and put the question out there already knowing what his response would be. Sam tried to remain passive but Mercedes saw the slight drop in his face.
"I'm so glad I made it back to be with her, but I don't know how things are going to go. There's a lot for me to work through."
"Yeah I know. I was just sort of hoping..."
As she often did, hoping for things she could never have. There was a small part of her that held on to the hope that Sam choosing to spend the night was a sign of better things to come, a shift in the weather that would somehow lead him back to her for good. Such a foolish dream when Sam had done nothing but talk about wanting a future with Quinn since coming out of the coma. One night in his old bed wasn't about to change that, not when finding out Quinn hurt Beth couldn't even sway him.
She didn't want to cry over this. Mercedes knew the odds were against her going in. One night was all she figured she could get from him and here she was wasting it with tears and thoughts of Quinn.
"It means so much to me that you want me to stay," he said wiping at the tears that had yet to fall from her eyes. "All night I thought I was trying to win you over for my father's deal, but it became pretty clear to me that I was trying to impress you for more than that. I wanted you to like me. That must sound so stupid to you since you already know me and we're married and..."
"No I get it. I've been trying to get you to like me since I found out you had amnesia. I wanted you to like me as much you liked Quinn. I wanted you to care about me the way you care about her. I feel like I'm in this competition for your heart again and I don't have a chance in hell of winning."
There it was tossed at his feet for review, he was married to a loser, a consolation prize, no wonder she was so easy to forget.
His eyebrows knitted in confusion. "What do you mean by again?"
"I told you all of this. I loved you and you didn't give me the time of day. You were in love with Rachel Berry. I tried so hard to get you to notice me and nothing worked. And the same thing is happening all over again with Quinn."
She buried her head in her pillow, her mortification complete with that last statement. She could only imagine what he must think of her now. He was Sam Evans, formerly one of America's most eligible bachelors and he had given up the title for a weepy mop of a wife.
"Something had to have worked, we're here together now. I didn't marry Rachel or Quinn. I married you."
He kissed her head as he rubbed it. They had deteriorated to pity kisses now. Sam's words seemed almost patronizing to her since she knew he didn't believe what he was saying. Mercedes was fairly certain Sam was dumbfounded by why he had chosen to marry her over every other available woman in the world.
And there was Quinn and their love so great he'd never forget it. She had to bring her up. "But now you want Quinn," she said without lifting her head the words muffled by the pillow.
"Hey, hey." Sam put his head next to hers on the pillow. "I think we need to make a new rule. No talk about other women or other men when we are in our bed. Let's make this the one place on earth just about us."
"Why would you say something like that?" Mercedes asked lifting her head slightly off the pillow in surprise. "You don't even care about us."
Alarms were sounding in Mercedes's head. Ever since he woke up Sam had made it clear that there was no longer an 'us' that included her. His focus had firmly been on Quinn and Beth, so what had changed? Was he only saying that because she had lured him into bed and now he was trying to say what she wanted to hear?
"What?" Sam lifted his head too, matching Mercedes's position. "I just told you I did. I want to know all about our life together."
She wasn't convinced. Sam had jerked her around far too much these past few weeks for her to believe that suddenly he wanted to know her. While she didn't think he was up to any more plots, she knew about the deal with his father, what else could he possibly have to hide? But something still didn't sit right with her.
"That sounds nice and I really want to believe you, but these past weeks and the way you've been acting…"
"I'm so sorry about all that," he interrupted. "And I want to make it up to you."
She'd heard that before. So many apologies Sam had made in the time she had known him. Before they were a couple, he had broken her heart and then tried to mend it more times than she could count. Sam had this way of getting her to trust him even when her instincts were screaming for her not to. Their first time together at that crappy motel came to mind. He had said all the right things that night as well, and she ended up being the one thing she had promised herself she would never be – his rebound. It was starting to feel like she might be traveling down that very same path with him tonight.
"When I asked you to stay tonight I was so scared that you would say no. Do you know how awful it is to think your own husband doesn't want you?"
"Yes I do." He grabbed her hand, squeezing it to emphasize his words. "I spent most of my marriage to Brittany feeling that way, but that's not happening to you." He lifted her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "It's not." Slowly he ran his finger down the side of her neck. "I thought I made myself clear when I gave you this hickey right here."
"Then you stopped and just stared at me."
"I think you were the one staring at me with those moon eyes."
"Are you really teasing me about that? Excuse me for being a little excited my husband is back home. I'm trying to contain myself."
"Don't hold back baby. Let it out." Moving on top of her, sandwiching her leg between his, he lowered his eyes to her mouth, licking his lips, taunting her to give in. "Get aggressive with those lips again." He didn't have to tell her twice, no way was she resisting that mouth. Mercedes smiled against his lips as she kissed him. "Yeah baby, give me more of that," he said with the low rumble of laughter shaking his body.
"You're in a better mood." She nestled into his chest not retreating back to her side of the bed this time. Sam didn't seem to mind the intrusion since he put his arms around her and softly stroked her back.
"How can I not be when our first date ended in the bedroom?"
"You were probably expecting this, thought you had a sure thing, since I did nothing but throw myself at you when you were in the hospital."
"Best nurse ever." He laughed.
Inwardly she groaned as she recalled all the advances she had made on him while he was in the hospital. Sure they were married but only she knew that at the time.
"You must think I'm such a slut."
Sam's green eyes widened. "What? No way. Why would you put yourself down like that?"
"I guess I'm used to hearing more bad than good," she said with a shrug.
Her mother had never been one to pay her a compliment or praise her and if she ever let one slip it was quickly taken away in minutes by her customary negative criticism. She had tried so hard to please her did everything she asked hoping she could become a perfect daughter in her eyes and then maybe she'd love her but nothing worked she was never good enough. Keisha Jones was dead and buried and she had escaped that miserable life, but still she found herself striving for perfection to be the best student, the best nurse, a better person, a good wife all to ensure the love she now had in her life remained. No matter how many good things were said about her she still instinctively waited for something negative to follow.
"From who? Almost everyone has said such nice things about you. And you know how I feel, I like you very much. I wouldn't be here…"
He let his words fade on her lips, kissing her instead to make his point. Mercedes melted into him running her hands through his short dirty blonde hair letting herself get lost in the feel of his body pressed against her.
Then he did something she wasn't sure what, something subtle, a look on his face or the way he dragged his hand through his choppy hair but it pushed through a wall inside Mercedes, opened the door to all she had been working furiously to contain. And without another thought she was on him, climbing across his body to get heart to heart close. Kisses all over his neck, his face, and those delicious lips she loved, so many memories of kisses burned on them and she relived every one as she kissed him deeper, on fire from the little sounds he was making in his throat.
Mercedes tore herself away to look at him inches from his face, to study the cut of his jaw, the rise of his cheekbones, the way his dark lashes made his eyes look even more green. He smiled, a confused look on his face, perhaps he was uncomfortable with her sudden passionate attention, but he didn't look away, he didn't force her from her spot on his body. Things had changed, his mind had holes, his body was thinner, his hair so different than before, but that smile and those lips, the constant reminder that this was still her Sam. Her Sam had come back to her, maybe not completely, maybe not for good, but for tonight, he was here just for her. Squeezing herself around him, holding him tight, her cheek against his hair and she held him the way she had wanted to since he woke up, but never let herself.
Loving Sam had been the only certainty of the past nine months, when she feared the darkness would overtake him, helplessly sitting vigil at his bedside, praying that her presence would be enough to bring him back. Ultimately it wasn't, Quinn was the one to rouse him and that stung, but it didn't matter much anymore when he was back home with her in their bed. Despite everything else, it still was her love for him keeping her there in this fight for him. Tonight felt like a victory when he took her hand and led her upstairs, even before that when he kissed her in front of all those guests at his party, that had felt like a win too, because there was a something uncontrollable about that kiss, like he couldn't help himself from being close to her no matter who would see. Alone now in their bed, no spectators to applaud her success, but there was Sam taking every bit of the love she was giving and that was more than enough.
He held her tight against him, both arms around her back, hugging her with just as much intensity. Mercedes eased her grip and moved down his chest to observe his shining eyes. He took her hand, turned it over and kissed it, his lips lingering against her palm.
"Thank you," he said his voice sounding strained. "You make me feel incredibly loved."
"I'm so happy you're here with me."
"Me too, especially seeing you smiling at me like that. I've missed that smile. You've been so sad around me for weeks. You don't understand how wrecked I feel when I look into your sad eyes. I hate hurting you."
"You're not hurting me now."
"At least that's something. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing with you and stay in control but you are such a little temptress."
"What did I do?"
He ran his hand up her leg, letting it rest on her thigh. "I have dreamed about your legs wrapped around me like this and here you are in the flesh bringing my fantasy to life."
"You dreamed about me?"
"Uh yeah. I think it is pretty obvious how much I want you. That night we spent together meant so much to me, to be so close to you just talking and then not talking. It is always with me. There's this piece of my heart just for you."
"Wow Sam I didn't know you felt anything like that for me. You never said..."
"I never planned to tell you, it never felt safe enough to say it, but this bed is about us right?"
Another brick from her wall crumbled as his admission penetrated her mind. She had felt it, but with all his denials she had begun to lose faith, but now he had confirmed it all. She still was somewhere inside of him, inside his heart, maybe there was hope to get everything back after all.
Back to his lips, kissing him just as she had before. His hands under her nightgown roaming her back as he returned her kisses teasing her tongue nipping her lips, growing bolder he abandoned her back to massage her breasts. Mercedes leaned into his hands loving the feel of him touching her body so intimately. So long she had waited for him to be able to return all the caresses she had given him in the hospital trying to lure him back to consciousness. Watching her face as he let his hands explore her body testing her reactions when he hit certain spots. Maybe he was researching her likes, what turned her on, he seemed so focused on his task. Could she make it through the night with just him touching her like this, not taking things beyond some kisses? Every time he licked his lips, which was often, her body burned as she remembered all the wonderful ways he used to use his tongue. She was a slut it didn't matter what Sam said to the contrary, Mercedes was one lick away from jumping him. He stiffened against her body.
"Sam what's wrong? Are you having second thoughts?" Silently she scolded herself for that last question. She sounded so pathetic and needy.
"I think I hear Beth."
Mercedes turned her head toward the baby monitor on the nightstand. All was quiet then a small staccato of cries broke through the silence.
"Yeah that would be her. I better…" she said starting to get up.
"No let me. I've got to get used to doing these things right?" Sam smiled down at her kissing her quickly on the lips before he climbed out of the bed.
Mercedes shut her eyes in relief once Sam was out the door. Saved by Beth. What was she thinking putting herself in this position with Sam tonight? Admittedly she had wanted to get him in bed, seducing him to get him upstairs, but once they were in the room she hadn't really formulated a plan beyond that. Did she only want to sleep beside him or did she want something more? The way she attacked him outside the bathroom door certainly made it seem like more was on her mind, but that was just impulse. He looked so good, face all scrubbed standing in their bedroom looking at her almost the way he used to, that she had to get closer to him. Until Sam threw cold water on her desire with yet another speech about Quinn.
It always came back to her these days and Mercedes couldn't see that changing anytime soon, perhaps for the rest of their lives, since Beth would always be between them. Mercedes wasn't sure she could handle another 18 years of Quinn Fabray making an appearance in their bedroom. Although, Sam had said it wasn't all about Quinn and that there was a part of him that wanted her too. Hearing that pumped Mercedes so high she thought she might float off the bed.
She had suspected there were some feelings there and he had hinted at it in little ways for weeks, but never would she have imagined that Sam would come out and say something so direct. He wanted her since the hospital and after and even right now. Sam wanted her. A smile hit her face and her heart started to race, maybe she wasn't so crazy after all, maybe spending the night with him was just what they needed. Another night like the one they shared at the hospital, spending the night in each other's arms, watching the sunrise. They bonded that night and created a new connection something beyond all that Sam had forgotten. This could be their chance to build on that bond, to strengthen it. Sex didn't have to be a factor, they could just talk as they had been, maybe filling him in on the details of his life would jar something in his mind and help him remember.
A little sexiness couldn't hurt though. Mercedes scrambled to her feet and rushed to her dresser. She needed to change into something better than what she had on. She was slightly horrified that she had spent all this time with him in her plain old cotton nightgown. She needed to put on some of the lingerie he used to like, really entice him this time so there would be no chance of him changing his mind about being with her, even if it was just to talk.