Chapter 67

Four loops around the lower level of the house and Beth still was whimpering. At least her all out crying had stopped, Sam had been starting to worry that he would need to get Mercedes to help him quiet the baby down and that was the last thing he wanted. He might have been a little rusty, it had been years since he last took care of a baby, but he wanted to prove to Mercedes and himself that he could handle Beth on his own. According to the color coded chart in Beth's room and on the refrigerator in the kitchen it wasn't time for Beth to have another bottle, and though he knew his daughter had a penchant for late night shopping TV, Sam didn't want to resort to that crutch either. There had to be a way to get her settled and back to sleep without food or retail therapy.

So he walked around the kitchen through the swinging door and around the living room and back hoping an idea would come to him. Beth whimpered and squirmed against him, rubbing her face into his shoulder. The little girl was sleepy and fighting it, if only he could get her to relax. Hot water that might do it. Not really hot of course, but warm water. Together father and daughter peered inside the refrigerator examining its meager contents. For a moment Beth stopped her whines and seemed to be interested in the task at hand.

"Not much in there huh Beth?"

Sam spotted a large bowl covered with plastic wrap. He tipped it forward to see what it contained - guacamole. Sam turned up his nose remembering that Mercedes had made this for Finn Hudson. Besides the bowl of guacamole there wasn't much else. Formula on the ready for Beth, one sad looking shriveled orange, and a glass jug pushed toward the back with a pink note on it that read "water for Beth". Sam pulled the water out and placed it on the counter before grabbing one of the triple washed bottles from the sterilized rack.

Beth's whimpers began again, her eyebrows puffing, and her bottom lip sticking out as she watched Sam fill the bottle with water.

"This is all you're getting baby girl, so you can pout all you want. See right here?" Sam pointed to the color coded chart on the refrigerator. "It says no food for Beth at this hour. I'm just following the rules." Beth turned her head away as if disgusted by what the chart said. "I really need you to work with me now little girl. I'm going to take you back to your room, warm this bottle up a bit and then you're going to calm down and fall back asleep. Agreed?"

Beth looked at her father with wide eyes that looked just like her mother's. Sam kissed her forehead mentally sending part of that kiss to Quinn too. He had been trying to keep his thoughts more upbeat and not dwell on what he had learned tonight about Quinn, but it was a major feat to pull off, since his thoughts always seemed to pull him toward her. Ignoring that pull just wasn't in his DNA he guessed, a near impossibility since the day he first laid eyes on Quinn.

Back in the nursery with the bottle all warm, Sam settled in the rocking chair with Beth in his arms, turning the chair slightly so he could better see the shelf of photos located behind him. Slowly he rocked, as Beth drank from her bottle, staring at the photo of Quinn centered on the shelf. Sam didn't know when the photo was taken, nothing about it seemed familiar, even Quinn herself seemed a little bit off from her usual look. Sam supposed it was just his mind interpreting the image differently now that he knew the truth about Quinn, the changes he now knew that she had gone through manifesting themselves onto the photograph. Unable to bear looking at the changes, Sam turned his focus to the other side of the room and the mural that covered the wall. It was stunning, so life like, the castles and the trees seemed to almost lift from the wall and hover on some three dimensional plane. Whoa, he really needed his eyes checked, or maybe he should put on his glasses because his mind was definitely playing tricks on him in this room.

Sam looked down at Beth who had curled her little finger around one of Sam's much larger ones. The whimpering had stopped, her bottle now had all of her attention, but sleep didn't seem to be on her mind. Beth's big green eyes looked more alert than ever. Sam was going to have to use some creative thinking to keep her quiet once the water was gone. What would Mercedes do? Turn on the TV for one, but Sam still wasn't ready to concede defeat. The water was working, Beth was at least calm if not drowsy. What else would Mercedes do?

Sam couldn't believe what a wuss he was being, Mercedes was right in the next room he could go in and ask her what she did to get Beth to sleep, but truth be told, he was avoiding her, again. Beth's cries coming through that monitor were like the bell at the end of the round in a boxing match, his baby girl had saved him from following the wrong head.

The bottle was empty and already Beth's eyebrows were beginning to puff. Getting up from the rocking chair, Sam paced the room as he rubbed Beth's back.

"Hey now Beth, no need to cry, Daddy's here. Yes I'm here and everything's going to be all right. Are you're thinking that I took long enough to get here? I'm so sorry about that, if I could have come any sooner I would have, but now that we're together let's not waste any more time crying. Deal? Let's turn this monitor off so we can have some father/daughter time without Mercedes overhearing," he said leaning down and flipping the switch.

"You saved me just now little girl. Things were getting too heated in there, so good on you for waking up and calling out for me. Daddy was about to cross a very big line with Mercedes. I know you're probably thinking that I'm a little nutty because I'm married to her so I shouldn't be so freaked, but I am. First of all she's in bed wearing a pretty skimpy nightgown, well okay maybe not skimpy, but it is revealing. She's revealing things that your dad really doesn't need to see. When you get older you'll understand that men have weaknesses, especially when it comes to the flesh, and Mercedes is showing too much flesh. I am having a hard time keeping my head clear around her."

An extremely hard time, it was impossible to resist her when she was so close, touching him, kissing him, looking at him with those eyes. Sam had felt himself succumbing to her charms with each passing minute in her presence.

"There's a big box of con—of adult balloons in the bathroom, which for my brain is like a neon invitation to…uh…play. It appears that Mercedes and I used to play with those balloons a lot and that she liked playing with me and I'm sure I liked playing with her. The problem is I can't remember the fun we had, but she does, and what if she wants to play tonight? Actually I think she definitely is hoping to play tonight, but I am worried that I won't be good at the balloon game the way I used to be. I might not remember how to play with her. Last night with your mom was much easier. I was running on pure emotion and probably adrenaline too. We were seeing each other for the first time after so long and all our memories came rushing back between us. It was a beautiful thing, so naturally I wanted to play with her. The thing is I've never played with your mom before, well I have, since you're here baby, but I don't remember playing and she told me we didn't play that much so there wasn't as much pressure to play a certain way."

What was he doing having this conversation with a baby? Yet he had to admit, it felt good getting it all off his chest. So many feelings and thoughts swirled inside him like a tornado of hormones, Sam wasn't sure how he would ever manage to keep it all in check.

"Am I driving you nuts with all this? I know I'm making myself crazy trying to figure it out. I think what we need to focus on is keeping Mercedes at a safe distance, because she is like this slippery slope and if I go too far down it I won't be able to pull myself back up. And I really need to stay on level ground right now for you and your mother. I can't screw things up, this is too big. Already I've done things wrong. I acted without all the facts and I might have made some huge mistakes. Now I'm scared that I might have to face some major consequences."

Like what if having Quinn released only made things worse. What if Quinn really needed more time in the hospital and being out early would only set her back? Sam didn't want to think about that now. Knowing that Quinn was sick made his stomach drop and his head ache. It physically hurt to think about what Quinn must have endured all these months while he was in a coma. He should have been there for her during all of that. His guilt was overwhelming when she brought him to their spot in the woods, the weight of it all was near crippling. Leaving Beth by their tree was a cry for help, a cry for him.

Shifting his thoughts to Mercedes, because all his thoughts about Quinn were leading him nowhere except into a depression, Sam hoped his little nurse would take his mind off all the bad that threatened to consume his life. He searched the room looking for her a photo of her, something to pull him toward the light, but there were none to be found. The walls and shelves were covered with images of his face, and a couple of Quinn, but none of her. Why had she chosen to make herself invisible in Beth's room when she was the one she spent the most time with?

"Being in this house sort of weirds me out, there are pictures of me everywhere. Does it bother you having to stare at your dad's mug all the time? The pictures are not just in here though, they are all over the house. Pictures of me with Mercedes. Craziness that I have this whole life with someone I can't even remember. I took vows and made promises to her. That didn't matter to me before. Last night I had mastered keeping all thoughts of my marriage to the back corner of my mind. I didn't feel married so I let myself believe I wasn't in a sense and I made promises and plans with your mother. Promises I now know I didn't have the right to make. I can't vow to be with two people. I know what you're thinking, I don't remember Mercedes so there's no problem leaving her behind and ending our marriage. I thought that too. I was going to stay the nine months with her and move on. Now I know how stupid my thinking was because it's not that simple to just walk away. I care about her. She's a good girl. She deserves better than to be in the middle of this mess with me. She needs a man who can give her all the things she wants, love her in return, and not have feelings for another woman.

Which leads me back to letting her go. Problem solved right? Not really. It's those moon eyes, the way she looks at me, like I'm some kind of hero, I don't want to lose that. No one has ever looked at me the way that she does, not even your mom back when we were together in high school. I don't know if I can turn my back on something like that. I want to get to know more about her and about our life together. It's like I am compelled to know what she sees in me. How did I become so important to her? Why does she love me? And she really loves me baby girl, like deeply, and she loves you too. That's an amazing thing to know someone feels that strongly. I don't think I've ever had that in my life before. Of course, it's not amazing to you, everyone loves you, but for me it is different. Love has always been a little hard to come by in my life."

Sam hugged the baby a little tighter, smiling when Beth snuggled against his neck. His baby was so comfortable with him even though they hadn't spent much time together. Sam was so grateful for that little gift. Losing these first few months with his daughter would have been unbearable if Beth had been less accepting of him. He did realize Beth was very young and most likely went where the bottle took her, but Sam also knew that some babies were particular about who held them, crying constantly when they didn't like a person. Quinn had told him she thought Beth felt that way about her, and at the time Sam couldn't even fathom that being true, all babies love their mothers, but what if some part of what Quinn felt was right? Maybe Beth sensed Quinn's PPD and was trying to save herself from Quinn in her own limited baby way. Sam shook his head clearing his mind of those dark thoughts. That was impossible. Beth loved her mother just as he had assured Quinn a number of times throughout the night. Just to be safe, Sam silently vowed to give Beth the same assurances about Quinn. His daughter needed to know her mother loved her even if she couldn't be with her right now.

"I used to wish your mommy loved me. I actually think she did, but she was too afraid to tell me. She can be really shy with expressing her emotions. I hope you understand that about her Beth, if she didn't seem like she wanted you around or if it felt like she didn't care, it wasn't true, your mommy loves you. I know she does. Sometimes she has trouble showing it, but you have to remember that all her feelings are there inside her heart, we just can't always see them or feel them, but trust me, she loves you. And she loves me too. She told me that tonight.

I've waited years for her to say it, and tonight she did. I was so happy, like I wanted to shout it to the world happy, but then I started thinking, and bad thoughts started creeping in. See we Evans have this problem, we're cynical, that means we have a hard time trusting people, we have a lot of doubts. So when your mommy said she loved me tonight a part of me couldn't help but wonder why she waited until after I found out that something happened to you to say it?" Beth lifted her head from Sam's shoulder as if in response.

"I know, I know, don't give me that look. I need to trust your mommy, she would never lie to me, but the thing is Beth, she sort of did, about your Uncle Mike and about things that happened to you. I'm off balance now, because never before tonight would I have believed it was possible for her to keep anything like that from me, and now I can't stop thinking that she's hiding something more.

If you had teeth you would bite me, I can tell. You think I'm being ridiculous and paranoid and I need to stop thinking something has changed about your mother. Maybe you're right. She's been very ill. Do you know that Beth? That's why she hasn't been with you all this time. That's why you have been living with your...your...what do you call Mercedes? Is she Aunt Mercedes to you? Is she your nurse in your mind? I guess we don't need to worry about what you call her right now, you're not even talking yet, just as long as you know she's not your real mommy. Well she is almost like your mommy. She's your stepmother. That's a big scary word, I know, but not all stepmothers are wicked. There are good ones too. A good stepmother is someone that loves your daddy so much that her love spills all over onto you too. That's Mercedes, she's a good one. You are very lucky. I've had my share of stepmothers and none were as good as her. Your grandfather had many different wives, but I don't want you to have to go through that. I really want you to have a stable home with me and your mommy. The problem is that we already seem to have a home here with Mercedes."

Great care had been taken to decorate the nursery, that coupled with all the charts and schedules displayed around the house, and how big and healthy his daughter was, made Sam confident his daughter was being well cared for. Being away from both her parents hadn't seemed to decrease Beth's quality of life at all, and that was a good thing, even if it made Sam feel a little irrelevant in his own daughter's life. The coma was a circumstance that was beyond his control, but now that he was back and ready to reclaim his life, and take on being a parent, it seemed like there was no room for him. Every one of Beth's needs was already being met, and met extremely well. He felt almost like he'd be a disruption in Beth's world, because Sam knew he never would be as organized or as conscientious as Mercedes had been. She washed the bottles three times, she had color coded schedules of all Beth's activities on the refrigerator, and she made up a story just for her. Mercedes had been an amazing parent to his daughter, and what could Sam ever do to top that?

"Look at your room, with all the stars above your head, and the painting on the wall, and all the toys. You love it here don't you? But don't you think you could love being with me and your mom just as much? First it would have to be only me and you because your mommy has to do some things before she can come home to you. So what if we had a bachelor pad, the two of us living it up? How's that sound?"

Sam looked down at Beth. Her eyes growing heavy, her fist near her mouth, finally she looked as if was going to sleep.

"I know you'd miss Mercedes, but she could come visit you. I don't think she'll forget all about you if she and I aren't married anymore. Then really soon your mommy will be back and you'll get to be with her all the time and things will be even better. We just need to make sure your mom is well enough to come home.

I thought I could help your mom. I really did. That's why I wanted her out of the hospital and back in Lima with us, but now I'm starting to think that she might need more than me. I'm worried about her too, because I stopped talking to her tonight, and I can imagine all the thoughts she must be having about me. She probably thinks I hate her, which is impossible, I could never feel that way about her, but I bet she's thinking that all the same. I really wanted to go see her tonight and sort of ease her fears some, but honestly I didn't know if I would be able to do it. I'm so upset and confused myself. I'm not sure I have anything left to give her right now."

If only he knew how to handle all of this better, he hated feeling so conflicted about Quinn. Beth twitched against Sam's shoulder as the baby moved into a comfortable spot.

"Good you're asleep, so I don't have to see you give me the look. I already know I have to man up and deal with my feelings so I can be there for your mom and for you too. I'm trying baby girl. I really am. Being here is not me running away, I promise you. I just needed a breather and Mercedes is so good to me, she helps me feel better with all her chattering on and her stories about my old life. I like hearing her talk. It relaxes me. I'm guessing you like her talking too. Is that why you like informercials so much, because they talk a lot just like Mercedes?

I may not be with your mom like I planned but at least I get to be here with you all through the night. That's a good thing isn't it? Yeah you're right. I need to at least check on your mom. So I'm going to go do that, and apologize for my momentary lapse in maturity.

Now that we have that all settled, I better put you back in your crib."

Carefully he placed his sleeping daughter on her back in the center of green sheet with the yellow stars that covered the crib's mattress. Stirring for a few seconds only to adjust her head and move her fist toward her mouth, before she returned to a deep sleep. Sam stroked Beth's pale blond head gently, feeling so much love for his daughter.

"I don't want you to wake up grumpy because your old man talked your ear off, but Beth I'm so glad we had this time together. I love you so much and anytime you need to be rocked back to sleep, just let me know and I'll be there."

Sam took one last look at his baby sleeping under the glowing stars, before flipping the monitor back on and leaving the room.