Dear Mom,
It's been five weeks since I first woke up in that hospital. I still have no idea what to think. Is everything even real? Will I ever feel as happy as I did in Magnolia? Not to say that I don't like the friends that I have in this world... I mean, I love Gray and Zeref and Lauren and Levy... all of them... But I miss Natsu and Happy. I miss the stupid bar fights. I miss going on jobs, I miss the magic. I still try to practice magic in my bedroom at night. What else can I do?! My magic would mean that everything I once knew had actually existed... I finally found my keys. They were locked in an old trunk in the attic in a box with my name on it. Apparently they were part of a rare collector set. The first three I got from you; Cancer, Aquarius, and Capricorn. The rest of them I had collected over the years. It was actually how I had met my friend Yukino. We had gotten chatting at school and she mentioned that she had Libra and Pisces along with the ultra rare thirteenth key. Ironic how similar that is to how I think I me her huh?
Erza confronted Natsu and got him to admit that he had been beating on innocent people. I'll never forget the look on her face as she stormed out of the cafeteria that day with actual tears rolling down her cheeks. Erza. Titania. Had locked herself on the roof and refused to come down she was so ashamed of whom she'd been supporting with her strength, the people that she had indirectly harmed by her refusal to stand up to him. The only person that she'd actually talk to was Jellal, who had gotten expelled from the school two years prior to date from assault charges.
When he had finally calmed her enough to regain her composure, she walked back into the room, the soft clinking of her metal armor was the only sound in the room as everyone went dead silent. If a pin had dropped just then, it would have sounded like a gunshot. She paused as she passed Natsu's table, the two locking eyes for a good ten seconds as a silent battle of wills raged between them... I've never seen anything like it before.
After the ten seconds of held breaths had passed, Natsu's gaze fell. A triumphant Erza walked to the table with me and my friends and began to eat her cake, not saying a word to any of us as she did.
I know that you're probably worried about me as you look down on me from heaven. I can't say that I blame you, but I promise that eventually I'll be okay... Hey mom? Can I tell you something personal? I think I've found out why I got so upset to find out that Natsu wasn't who I thought he was... What if he was more than my best friend? I know how crazy it sounds. Trust me, I know... But right before I was stabbed... I'd been feeling strange around him lately. I was always blushing, my skin would tingle, I'd always want to be close to him... Those are the feelings of a friend right? Right?! Maybe I'm just looking into this too much... Probably. It wouldn't be the first time. Like that time Mirajane made me doubt everything about his actions! Now THAT was awkward! And the whole time all he wanted was for me to summon Virgo to dig up some stupid box. I wish I could talk to you in person about it but... I just thought that maybe if I told you then that would get it off my chest you know?
I know that this letter is longer than my usual ones, but I haven't written you in a while. I have a lot to tell. My stupid hallucination won't leave me alone... I keep trying to do everything that I can to ignore her but I don't know how! It's driving me insane! Every morning I wake up to see her watching me, she appears randomly throughout the day, chattering away like she was real. Every night when go to bed she appears there by the bedside and -get this- she sings me lullabies! I don't understand it... I went online and did some research about schizophrenia. It seems like it can be inherited genetically, but neither you nor father had it so I don't think that's the case. It can be developed over time as well even though that's less likely, apparently the loss of a loved one at an early age can factor into it as well. But I'm still if-y about it... Definitely going to keep the whole schizophrenic thing in mind. It would definitely explain some of the madness I'm going through right now. I'm kind of scared to be perfectly honest. What if I AM going crazy? Should I tell someone? Do something? Tell her to get lost?
But don't worry about me mom. I'll work through whatever it is. I promise. I'm going to be strong just like Natsu. He wouldn't let something like this get him down. He'd tell me that crazy people were more fun, grab my hand, and drag me along as he charged into something absolutely insane with Happy yelling "Aye Sir!" I'll write again real soon okay? I miss you.
Love,
Lucy
I clenched the page in my hands, my hands shaking as my eyes scanned over the photocopy of what was unmistakably my writing. My hair fell into my face to hide my expression from the world, but my tears staining the blank white page could not be hidden as the whispers all around threatened to suffocate me.
"Schizo."
"Freak."
"Seeing things? What's next? Is she going to shoot up the school or something?"
"I always knew that there was something wrong with her."
"What a loser."
"Lucy..."
"What do you want?" I croaked, not looking up as a cool hand touched my shoulder.
"Come on. Let's get you out of here." What was unmistakably Sting's voice said as he put an arm around me, leading me towards the doors.
My letters.
More private than any diary that I'd ever written. Those letters were something that were never supposed to be read. The conversations that my mother and I could never have. I poured my soul into those letters. And now they were all floating around the school. My darkest fears, my darkest secrets, things that I never wanted anyone to know what I was thinking. And of course... My suspicions of losing my mind. There were ten different letters all in all. And each student had a copy of at least one of them in their hands, texts were going off through the hallways as my various flaws were being spread like wildfire.
My body trembled as people giggled, my eyes wide with shock. I felt exposed. Like someone had stripped me naked and opened me up, pulling out my insides for everyone to see. No...It was worse than even that.
"Move." I heard my older brother's voice growled. I raised my head, my bloodshot brown eyes meeting his onyx ones as he gave me an evil grin.
"Shouldn't you say please?" He smirked, spinning the key to the copy room around his finger.
…...
"Do you want to talk?" Sting asked gently, resting his hand over mine. I shook my head, saying nothing as I picked at my pasta. Despite my protests, Sting had taken me out for something to eat in an attempt to settle my clenching stomach.. We sat in Yajima's restaurant where I normally worked. My boss had kindly given us our lunch on the house due to my recent good work. I eventually gave up on trying to make it seem like I was going to eat it, shoving the plate aside.
"Lucy I-"
"Sting just don't." I said quietly. "There's nothing to say."
"Of course there is! Natsu's a dumbass! Don't take this to-"
"Heart? Sting he read something that I wouldn't let ANYONE read. Something so personal that no one even knew that it existed! He was in my ROOM! He's probably ruined any chance at a relatively normal life that I had and you're telling me not to take it to heart?!"
"Lucy I know that you're upset but he's just another jerk."
"You don't understand Sting. That was more private than anything else. And I don't know if I can pick myself back up after this!" I sniffled, tears beginning to leak out. The blonde stood from his chair and slid into the booth next to me, hugging my head to his chest as I sobbed in such a Natsu-like gesture that my heart wrenched and the tears wouldn't cease as I clung to him like a lifeline. He rested his chin on my head and murmured reassurances as I felt his earring brush against my head. "I just want to go home..." I whimpered.
"I know. Laxus is on his way to pick us up." He said gently.
But that wasn't what I meant of course.
"Okay." I whispered, hugging my brother tightly. It was scary how used I was getting to calling him that...
"It'll be okay Lu. We're all right here with you."
"Thank you."
…...
As soon as we got home I ran up to my room, locking the door behind me as I slumped against the wall. Plue and Lector ran over and jumped into my lap, barking and meowing loudly. I hugged them tightly, burying my face in their soft fur. my radio played softly from where I'd left it, I listened to the song as it played, trying to take my mind off the battle raging inside my mind.
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
But I never thought I'd live to see it break
It's getting dark and it's all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake
Oh, I'm holding my breath
Won't lose you again
Something's made your eyes go cold
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't turn back now, I'm haunted
Stood there and watched you walk away
From everything we had
But I still mean every word I said to you
He will try to take away my pain
And he just might make me smile
But the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead
Oh, I'm holding my breath
Won't see you again
Something keeps me holding on to nothing
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
You're all I wanted
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't turn back now, I'm haunted
I know, I know, I just know
You're not gone. You can't be gone. No.
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Something's gone terribly wrong
Won't finish what you started
Come on, come on, don't leave me like this
I thought I had you figured out
Can't breathe whenever you're gone
Can't go back, I'm haunted
Oh
You and I walk a fragile line
I have known it all this time
Never ever thought I'd see it break.
Never thought I'd see it...
As usual, this strangely convenient and relatable song got me thinking... I hadn't... I hadn't lost the Natsu that I knew and loved forever had I? There had to be a way to get him back... there just had to. that bond that we had was made of steel. There was no way to break us apart.
I never thought I'd see it break.
I swear I'll never see it.
Okay, so a nice long chapter to make up for my absence. In my defense, I have been working 6 days a week... and I started watching both Soul Eater and Death Note so I'm busy with fandom stuff. Anyway I actually did some research on the Schizophrenia thing since that particular disorder fascinates me along with Multi personality disorder (or as I like to call it, multi soul syndrome) Long story short I've been sitting at my desk for the last three hours destroying my ears with music to try and write this. Please leave your reviews in the comments, as usual I always love your feedback ;) The song was "Haunted" By Taylor Swift! Love you guys! Peace out! *throws down smoke ball and green smoke fills the area that clears just in time for me to be seen running out the door*