The cold on my body woke me up. I have always rolled all over the bed in my sleep, and it is not uncommon for me to push away the sheets and blankets with my movement. I used to live in a castle a short walk away from the beach, cold was never an issue. But now, it was. I was in the cold North, and I was naked. I can only hope that my tossing and turning in my dreams didn't bother Robb too much.
"Good morning." I heard Robb's voice, and I pulled the sheets over my body. It was an instinct. I was naked, and I am not yet used to sharing my most intimate moments with someone. I looked up and I saw that he was already dressed. I was hoping for a small smile, one that was barely dare, but I did not get anything other than a stare. A stare so cold that not even the blankets could help." Your bath is ready. Take as much as time as you need. I will be with the family, having breakfast." He said, and I nodded. I am not sure what did I expect, but I did not expect this. He is… cold. I was sure that he wouldn't be mad about me after just one day, but I was expecting that we would at least still be friends. And judging by the looks he gave me, I was apparently expecting too much." The chambers down the hall will be yours from now on. I am informed that your things are already there." He said. I know that I should say something, or at least nod, but I am too surprise to do or say anything." I will see you later Elena." He said, and without waiting for my response, he left the chambers. I sat up at once.
What in the name of Gods has just happened?
He kicked me out. He kicked me out of his chambers. Not only was he cold and distant, but he just… threw me away like a used cloth. What have I done wrong? What mistake did I make?
As I was washing up the proofs of a lost maidenhood from my body, I realized the only possible reason for his behavior and actions this morning. I was not good enough. I did not satisfy him and he does not to give me another chance to do so. That is the only explanation that makes sense to me. I have never felt this bad in my life. I have always hated failing, no matter what the situation was, but this was something completely different. Failure always bothered me, but now it destroyed me.
I had one job. One task, only one thing to do. I only had to be a good wife. And I have already failed.
I did not cry. I decided it was not time for it. If this is the beginning, I can only imagine that I have years and years of crying ahead of me. As I was getting ready, I ignored the pain which reminded me of last night. I put on the first dress I found, and I left my hair loose. What is the point of making me look beautiful? Should I look beautiful for him? Well, I think he already decided that there was no need for me to do so. So I did not make any effort at all.
I was still so caught up in his words that I completely forgot that I should feel slightly uncomfortable in front of his family. They all know what happened tonight. But I didn't think about it as I took my seat.
Next to him. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. And I focused on my conversation with Arya.
"Will you train with me today?" she asked. How could I decline when she looks so hopeful?
"I can't, I am sorry Arya." I said with a sad smile on my face." I need to move my things to my new chamber, and I know that when I'm done with that I won't have the will to live, let alone train." I said, and I laughed. It was a forced laughed. I hoped that she wouldn't realize what I just said, but I could see the quizzical look she gave me. Why would I need my own chambers when I'm married now? The same question bothers me too. I smiled at her with a week smile. She did not understand, but she did not push me. She could see that I will not say anything in front of her whole family.
"Some other day then?" she asked, and I nodded. She did realize something was wrong. I could see that in the way she looked at me, and at her brother. And she wasn't the only one. Lady Catelyn had a worried look on her face when she looked at me. All I wanted was to get away from here, right now.
"My Lord?" I asked, and Robb looked at me, a look of surprise on his face. I did not call him by his title in a while now. But if he can act the way he acts, so can I. If we are strangers now, I will talk to him like he's a stranger." Do you happen to know where I could find Gendry?" I asked, and he frowned for a moment.
"Yes, my Lady." He said. Now it is official. We are strangers." He is working for the blacksmith, so he is probably there." He said. If anyone at the table did not notice our strange behavior earlier, they did now. The coldness between the two of us was so evident that I felt embarrassed because of it.
"Thank you, my Lord." I said, and I got up from my seat. I didn't realize I was going to leave until he told me where Gendry is. I need to talk to a friend, a true friend. I need him probably more than ever before.
He was where Robb said I could find him. As soon as he saw me, he knew something was wrong. We went to one of the secluded barns so that we could talk in peace. It told him everything that happened this morning. I did not mention details of last night. He might be my friend, but I do not wish to talk to him about that, especially because he's a man. And in this current moment, he has less experience in intimacy that I do. That is, of course, if I consider the events of last night an act of intimacy.
"I do not understand Gendry." I said, and I took a deep breath." Everything was fine last night. And this morning he sends me away into a chamber of my own. If I didn't know him any better, I would think that he loves some girl. Oh, who am I lying to; I do not know him at all! There probably is some other girl! I truly don't understand what could cause a change like that. Last night, everything was well, and today I am already rejected!" I whined. I need some good advice from him, and I need it fast. And the only thing I want to know is why. He can reject me as much as he wants, as long as he gives me an explanation!
"And last night, was everything alright during the… consummation?" he asked with a blushed face.
"Sex, Gendry. Sex." I spat out, and he looked at me in surprise." Oh please, we are no longer children and you know very well that I did not go bobbing for apples with him last night!" I almost yelled. I need to remind myself that none of this is Gendry's fault, and that he does not deserve to be treated like this. He looked at me in shock for a few moments, and then he started laughing. I wanted to laugh too, but I couldn't. Not now, not when I have this to think about." I don't know if everything was good last night. I have nothing to compare it to. To me it seemed alright. I wasn't exactly under torture, so I would say it was alright." I said, and he smiled at me.
"I meant to ask was everything alright for him last night. It is obvious you could not enjoy it at all." he said, and I nodded, understanding him. I'm proud of us. And I'm glad we can talk about this now.
"Well, he did not complain." I said, and he nodded." Again, I have nothing to compare it to. I thought it all went well. But, since I was my Lady again this morning, something obviously went wrong."
"Elena, I don't know how I can help you." He said. I did not expect him to solve all my problems. I just need someone to talk to. "The way I see it, you could either wait for it to resolve on its own, or you can jump on him. I suggest you wait. I have no more experience than you do, but I suppose you aren't exactly looking forward to the consummation." He said, and I snorted in the most unladylike manner.
"The one who said sex was good, lied." I said, and Gendry laughed." I always thought I had some sort of problem, and now it has finally reached the surface. Like it wasn't bad enough that he did not want to marry me, I apparently can't please him in bed. Maybe you men can smell it. That would explain why no one ever wanted me." I said flatly, and Gendry started laughing like a mad man. Idiot.
"Elena, I can assure you, we can't smell anything." He said. I smiled. I knew he would never lie to me.
"I will leave you to your work. And I might have work to do too. You know, save my marriage after only one day. I will see you at lunch." I said with a smile, and I walked away. What should I do now?
"Elena!" Gendry called after me, and I turned around. He was smiling." Um, you might want to pay attention. You are walking funny." He said. I rolled my eyes. This day keeps getting better and better.
"Well, why don't we just hang the sheets in the courtyard? That way, my embarrassment would be complete." I said, and I could hear his laughter as I walked away. Sadly, I was partly serious.
I managed to avoid my husband for the larger part of the day. During meals, I had to sit next to him, but we did not engage in a conversation. And the only time when I was alone with him was when I was packing all my things to move them from his chamber to mine. It was very uncomfortable.
We barely spoke, even then, and those few words we exchanged were formal. And as soon as I was safe and on my own, I started thinking about what went wrong, yet again. I do not want to bed him again. And I feel bad that he doesn't want to bed me either. It's like the whole betrothal talk. I did not want to marry him, and I felt bad when I realized he doesn't want to marry me either. The feminine side of me will apparently be the death of me. Some of those aspects I just can't control. No woman can!
I will have to learn to control it at some point I suppose. And I will worry about that latter. Right now, I need to realize if my marriage is falling apart after just one day. I never want this to happen. When I married him, I had hoped to have at least a healthy friendly relationship with him, if a crazy and indescribable love was not possible. It seems to me that I expected too much.
Ten days had passed since I got married. Another thing that passed was my moon's blood. I was relieved to know that I am not with child. As much as I would like to be a mother, a child would probably be the worst thing that could happen to me right now. Things are as difficult as they are without a baby.
He did not touch me since the wedding night. We barely talked, and when we did, it was only when we couldn't escape each other. He didn't even call me by my name. Well, I didn't call him Robb either.
And in the lack of a better solution, I decided to embrace the "values" I was raised to believe in.
I was born a Lannister. I might have tried to run away from that my whole life, but I was born a Lannister. And one thing I will proudly embrace, even now, as a Stark. Lannisters do not easily allow themselves to feel public humiliation. And I will not allow that to happen, not here, not now.
My marriage problems aside, I was getting used to the life in Winterfell. My new family was still treating me like a guest, insisting that I should get used to this way of life before I start having daily obligations.
People of Winterfell looked at me with respect, and with smiles on their faces. They know very well that I was a Lannister, but they also know I proved myself to this family. And I would much rather face their small, but honest smiles, than the big, fake smiles, followed by the quiet whispers behind my back.
Three days since the wedding, two letters arrived to Winterfell. One from Joffrey and the rest of my family back at King's Landing. They congratulated us, and they promised us support, mutual respect and peace. I threw the letter in a fire place as soon as Ned, Catelyn and Robb read it. The other one was from my father, but he did not enhance the irony. He said that he was glad that out "misunderstanding" was solved in a calm way, and that he hopes that Robb and I will lead a happy life together.
I know very well that my father is more or less, an evil man. But he respects his enemies, and he does not underestimate him. That makes him a great man. He is a living proof that you can be great and evil at the same time. And I respect him. He did not try to make us look like fools, unlike his grandson.
Instead of spending my days with Robb, I spent them with his brothers and sisters, and Gendry. To Sansa and Arya both, I was something between a close friend and a sister. Rickon refused to go to sleep unless I tell him a bed time story. And to Bran, a was a new, favorite companion. I would spend hours talking to him, sometimes in his room, and sometimes outside in a walk, Hodor carrying him around. I also spent a lot of time with Jon. He won't be leaving for the Wall anytime soon as far as I could understand. I didn't ask him about that. He would have told me about it if he wanted to. I do spend more time with him than I do with my husband. Usually in the same stable where we would be in the last time I was here.
"Elena, what is happening?" he asked as he stopped swinging his sword. My mind wandered off, and he could see it." There is no life in you. If you didn't speak a few words every once and a while, I could have easily mistaken you for the dummy and hit you instead." He said. And I smiled, even if he is right.
"Not even you are that blind." I said, and he laughed." I was thinking. Remembering the past. Fearing the future, what is yet to come. Everything just… attacked me, all at once. Believe me when I say it, you wouldn't want to be in my head right now. No one would." I added. No, no one would want this.
"If I can help you in any way, just say it." he said. I wonder if he can guess what the problem was. Well, one of the problems. Robb might be the most important one, but he is hardly my only problem.
"I don't think you can Jon." I whispered. The only person who could tell me what I want to know is Robb. And possibly… Jon." Jon, if I ask you something, will it remain between us?"I asked, and he nodded." Is there some other girl?" I asked, finally saying it out loud. And once I said it, the words just started flowing." Just tell me the truth. I will not tell anyone. In all honesty, I think I would be relieved if he does love someone else. I wouldn't be the problem."I said. I hate doing this to him. I am basically asking him to betray his brother's trust. It would stay between the two of us, but still, it would be a betrayal.
"As far as I know of, no." he said, and I nodded." And I do believe he would tell me."
"Wonderful. So I am the problem." I said, and I buried my face in my hands." Jon, I did not want this anymore than he did. At least I was ready to try. I hoped he would want to do the same. And look how well that turned out to be." I said. I can't complain to him anymore. He is his brother.
"He probably just needs time Elena. Trust isn't easily gained." He said, and I shook my head.
"No. Love isn't easily gained. I thought we already had the trust." I said. I was amazed to realize how much it hurt once I said it out loud." I will not bother you anymore. I might be your friend, but he is your family. I will never put you in this position, ever again." I said, forcing a smile on my face.
"You are a Stark now Elena. You're just as family as he is." He said, and I smiled. It is not true, the two of them are very close, and they grew up together." Don't let it bother you. Try not to think about it, and let time do the rest." He said. Gendry gave me the same advice. They are both probably right.
"I hope you are right. I have to go now. I want to leave the chambers before he comes back from the hunt." I said, and I kissed Jon on the cheek before I left.
My chambers do not have a bath, so I had to use Robb's chambers for that. And it was an issue. I had to watch carefully Robb's daily routines, so that he is not in the chambers when I am. Elisa helped me, and she did not ask any questions. It was easier for me to talk to men about my failure than to her. Still, she knows I'm in my own chambers. I suppose that I will talk to her about it in a few days.
She assured me that Robb is not yet back from the hunt. She filled the bath for me, and left me alone with my thoughts.
I was still thinking about the conversation I had with Jon. I wish it was that easy. But I can still try. I could try not to think about it, and let time do the rest. I see no better solution, so I might as well do so.
I heard the door open. I jumped up in the tub, and now the person entered could hear me too.
"Elena?" Robb asked. Of course. It had to be him.
"It's me my lord." I answered straight away. I was scared he would want to check." I apologize; I did not expect you to return so soon. I will be finished soon." I said. Why have I waited this long? Why?
"It's alright my lady. Take your time." He said. My lady. I wish I could throw something at him.
"Thank you." I said. This is incredibly uncomfortable. He might not have a problem with me taking my time, but I do. I finished washing as fast as I could, and I hesitated before I stood up. The changing screen was the only thing that kept me hidden, and it was relatively see through. I don't care anymore. It's nothing he hadn't seen before, and I doubt he's even looking. As soon as that occurred to me, I did not hesitate anymore. I got out of the tub, and I wrapped myself in a towel. I expected Elisa will bring me a dress, but she must have seen Robb arrive. She might have even set this up! Well, if she did, she will pay for it. As I walked into the room, I caught his attention. He was looking at some papers while standing behind the desk, and I am sure that I looked embarrassed and under dressed.
"My lady." He said. I was burning up even more as he looked at me, head to toes, and back again.
"My lord." I said, nodded my head, and started walking over to the door. My hand was on the door handle when I felt his hand on my shoulders. I stopped at once. He took off my towel and I turned around. The way he looked at me… he wants me. I couldn't say a thing before he kissed me. And I could feel it in his kiss too. He wants me. All the questions I asked will remain in my mind. I don't want to ruin this apparent progress.
It hurt this time too. Less than the last time, but it hurt. And I was in a far worse state emotionally than I was the last time. Then I was insecure and scared. And now, now I am insecure, scared and hurt.
The problem really was in me. I could see now that the problem is definitely not in my body, my looks. And it made me feel horrible. The problem is me, but my character, attitude, the words I say and the way I act. I feel like nothing more than a common whore.
This time, I was the one who pulled away on the other side of the bed.
I will do my duties, that goes without saying. If he wants my body, he will have it. The rest I will avoid whenever I can. Robb Stark can share my bed, but he will never touch me in a different way.
Happy ending straight away? Nah, that was too easy. They are still getting to know each other. And love does take time. Expect a new chapter tomorrow! :)