"So, now, he is the rejected one?" Gendry asked, confused." I don't get anything anymore." He said, and I started laughing. I managed to abduct him before dinner. And here we are now, sitting in the forest, smoking our pipes. Yes, I, Lady Elena Stark, once Lady Elena Lannister, smoke a pipe. This was my bad habbit. My brother had his wine, my other brother had our sister, and I have my pipe.
"Well, I wouldn't say rejected. He doesn't care enough for me to feel that way. He feels nothing more than gratitude because I saved his father and sisters. I was close to losing my mind, but now I decided that I do not want to do it anymore. Now he is the one who is going to feel unwanted. And I am not doing this out of vengeance. I am doing this because I lost the respect I had in him." I said. I spent the night in his chambers again last night. Two nights in a row. I did what I had to do, and I turned to my side once again. I was as cold as he was. And I did not doubt myself. Now, it was his fault.
"What, you're going to say no to him?" he asked." That is… that is very brave Elena." He said.
"No, I'm not going to do that. Although, if anyone could to that, it would be me." I added, and Gendry laughed." It is not my intention to say no to him. If he wants me to spread my legs, I will do so. But he will never have my love. He might not need it now, but he will need it someday." I whispered.
"You are going to have to find a woman to talk to her about this, because this is getting more than uncomfortable." He said. I looked at him, and I could see that he was trying hard not to laugh. No, I will not laugh. I will not laugh. He couldn't take it anymore, and as soon as he started laughing, I couldn't take it anymore either. I can't remember the last time I laughed like this. It must have been in some distant, carefree time. I miss that feeling. My laughter stopped, and I could only think how much I missed being just a lady. I wouldn't return to that, no. But when Robert was King, I had no worries. I didn't have a marriage to save and a war to stop. And when he died, I was in the middle of a chaos. I miss the just a normal girl. Ignoring my sister, laughing with Tyrion, sneaking out to see Gendry…
"Do you ever miss King's Landing?" I asked Gendry. Curiosity got the best of me I suppose.
"Not too much to tell you the truth. You?" he asked, and I shook my head." I do miss Elena from King's Landing. Elena Lannister, a lady who would break the rules just to be my friend. Elena Stark is far more serious than she was." He said with a small smile. So, the change was noticeable. I never though this day will come, but I miss her to. I miss the Elena I was when I was just Elena Lannister.
"Elena Stark and Elena Lannister are the same person. It's just that Elena Stark is a grown up, and Elena Lannister had no idea life was this hard." I said with a small smile, and Gendry smiled back at me." I wish the two of them would meet half way. That would be nice."
"Elena, you seriously need to stop worrying so much. I have no idea how you did it, but you managed to stop a war and safe half of the Stark family. And I suggest you enjoy it until your two families start fighting again." he said. So I am not the only one who thinks that might happen.
During the rare occasions where I actually was talking to Robb, he made it clear to me, and to the rest of his family, that he is not finished with Joffrey. I do not want to see a war, but I do think that Joffrey shouldn't sit on the throne. He has no claim on it. I do not want to see a war, because I do not want to see death. Robb knows very well that I would plead for one Lannister life, one life only. I would plead for Tyrion, probably the only Lannister in Westeros who wouldn't need protection. He is on "our" side.
Even if I wouldn't plead for anyone else, I would still be worried. And I do not want to worry about the possible death of my other brother, my husband and his family, Myrcella and Tommen, who didn't do anything wrong… Gendry is right. I shouldn't worry so much about Robb. I should save my worry for some far worse times. Or else, I might just lose it if my two families collide.
"We should go back." I said, and we both stood up." I don't want them thinking that I am sneaking around with you in the woods." I said with a smile. The last thing I would need right now is to be accused of infidelity. I doubt that will happen, they know very well than Gendry and I are like brother and sister.
"You are sneaking around with me in the woods." He said, and we both laughed when I hit him in the shoulder." I was only joking. Let's go." He said, and we started walking towards the castle." I keep forgetting to ask you, is Arya happy with her new sword?" he asked, and I raised my eyebrows.
"Ask her yourself." I said, and he rolled his eyes." Yes, she is more than happy with it. Thank you. Not just because of the sword, but for spending time with her when I'm not the best company." I said. And I wasn't the best company lately. I tried my best, but my mood never was good enough for her.
"It's not like that. And she understands that you have other things to do too. She may be young, but she sees some things better than you and I do." He said, and I nodded. I know very well just how smart she is. I should spend more time with her. I will do it, starting tomorrow. Training with her, every day.
"I don't know a better child, but she is too much like me. With that temper… At times, I tend to feel sorry for her husband to be." I said, and Gendry smiled. I might be wrong, but it seems to me that there is something more in that smile. Gendry is no stranger to me, we have been friends for almost ten years. I know him, I know him well. And he does not look like he feels sorry for her future husband.
This is not the first time that crossed my mind. They got along very well, and Gendry is the only man outside of her family that Arya never bickered with. Gendry is my age, and Arya is almost fourteen years old. I've heard of worse differences, I've seen them too. I will not interfere. But, if in two years' time I see that there might be something more, I will suggest something. Of course, only if they want it.
That is what I call irony. Gendry and Arya are closer than my husband and I are.
I need to do something. Gendry suggested I should just talk to Robb, but I can't do that. Not yet. I will have to realize some things on myself. I have already asked too many personal questions.
But, there was a problem. One I did not tell Gendry about. Robb now has a weapon against me, and he doesn't know it either. Last night was actually not bad at all. I did not feel any pain. I am sure that I would have enjoyed sharing his bed if my feelings didn't stop me. I was still hurt. Sex was no longer a torture for me, and Robb cannot find out about it. Not until I realize what went wrong with us.
I never expected a bed time story for a life. I wished for a friendship, an honest connection that might someday grow into more, even into love. I wanted to work on it, I wanted to build it, and he did not. And I want to find out why.
We didn't say a word to each other during dinner. I was focused on my plate until Catelyn put a hand on my shoulder, and asked me to join her outside, a polite smile on her face. I followed her in the hallway.
"Elena, what in the name of Gods is going on between the two of you?" she asked.
"I am not sure what you mean Catelyn."I said. I was pretending. I don't want to bother her with this.
"Elena, you were closer the day you first met. You know very well what I mean." She said. Oh Gods.
"I don't know what I did wrong."I admitted in a low voice, and she nodded. She is not blind. She could see the coldness between me and him, and she knows I spend most of my nights in my own chambers." I did everything that was expected of me. He just doesn't want to be married to me." I said.
"No, it is not that." She said as she shook her head." He wasn't upset when he found out he will marry you. He knew he was getting a good girl." She said. Well, at least he wasn't kicking and shouting.
"I can't make him love me. And I can't make myself love him either." I whispered.
"I know that. I am afraid that there is something more." she said. I don't know what to say to her. I am not insulted she wanted to talk to me. She is worried, it is understandable. Robb is her son, and she showed more than once that she cares for me like I was her own daughter.
"I did everything I could." I said. By the way she was looking at me, I think she thought of something.
"You didn't talk to him. You don't talk to each other. Try talking to him. You are both scared, and the answer is probably right in front of you. Try talking to him." She said, and I nodded.
"I will. I will, once I… when I am able to." I said, and she hugged me, and we returned to the table. Robb left, and I knew that I will have to go to him. Well, I do need a bath. I hope I will be able to talk.
"My lord." I said, as I walked into his chambers."I would take a bath if it is not a problem. I will not bother you." I said. From what I heard at the table, he and his father had a hard day today, and he might need his rest. When he nodded, I walked behind the changing screen to the already prepared bath. I did not hesitate this time, as I was removing my clothes. I got into the bath and I started listening. It was mostly silent, with a few deep breaths and a few turned pages. I'm not the only one who grew up.
"My Lady, may I ask you something?" he asked, and I was surprised. I dropped the cloth I was holding.
"Of course my Lord" I said. It couldn't be when I'm dressed?! Well, at least he is talking to me now.
"What were you doing in the courtyard this morning when you were with the children?" he asked. I did not expect that question. Before my walk with Sansa, I was teaching some Winterfell children how to read and write. I did not know he saw me. Someone probably informed him about my whereabouts.
"I was teaching them to read my Lord." I said. As he was silent, I decided to explain." It bothers me that some children don't have the uses to know something that I think everyone has the right to know."
"Did you do that in King's Landing too my Lady?" he asked. I frowned. Why is this important now?
"Sadly, no. I was forbidden to be in the company of the poor children, and the wealthy ones knew how to read and write. Well, that didn't really stop me. Gendry learned all of it by the age of eleven." I said, with a proud smile on my face. That is one of the kindest, and smartest, things I've ever done.
"That is… very nice, my Lady." He said, and I smiled. Well, finally, he can see that I am not a bad person!" If you wish, I will try and arrange for you to work with them every other day." He said.
"I would love that. Thank you, my lord." I said. As he did not respond, I returned to my thoughts. He was the one who started the conversation. All I have to do is continue it. It is easier said than done. I just need to gather all of my courage, and say it. As soon as I start talking, it might just get easier.
As I was thinking of what I will do and say, I finished bathing. It is only then that I realized I had forgotten my nightgown. I only have a towel, and I shivered once I remembered what had happened the last time I was in a towel. He might think that I am trying to seduce him or something. And I am not. I might not be that skilled in it, but if I was trying to seduce him, he would know it.
I wrapped myself in the towel, and walked in front of the screen. He was on the bed, and yet again, he was surprised in my lack of clothing. If I forget it once more, I will have to keep a nightgown in here!
"My lord." I said, and started walking to the door.
"Lady Elena." He called, and I stopped, and turned around." Would you mind staying here tonight?" he asked. And I could see it wasn't that easy for him to say it. I suppose it's a lot easier to just kiss me and pull the towel off of me. At least he wanted me to stay, once again.
"My lord, if that is what you want, than that is my duty." I said. He wanted to say something, but he did not get a chance to do so, as I let go of my towel, and it dropped to the floor. Now, this, I did on purpose. As embarrassed as I was, I was also slightly glad to see him look at me. If he looks at me in that way, then what in the name of Gods is our problem?!
"Duty?" he asked as he raised himself into a seated position. I walked to the bed, and sat in front of him.
"Yes, duty." I answered. I am not the only one who wants to talk, I can see that. He wanted this too.
"I know that our relationship isn't exactly the one we hoped for, but must you emphasize that this is duty?" he asked. He is either incredibly stupid, or just rude. Now, I was angry.
"And what is it if it isn't duty?" I asked, not bothering to hide my anger. "You didn't want to marry me, you don't talk to me, you don't even call me by my name. What is it if it isn't duty?" I asked.
"You are the one who started using titles, my lady!" he said, just as angry as I did. My mouth dropped.
"Because you bedded me and threw me out of your chambers in a matter of hours!" I yelled.
"I did it because I wanted to give you space!" he said. What? "I remember King Robert telling my father that he could never handle sharing the chambers with his wife, and that in King's Landing, it is a tradition to have separate chambers. It is different in Winterfell. I just wanted you to get used to the changes. And I call you my Lady only because you call me my Lord." He said. He wasn't angry anymore.
I am an idiot. I am a complete idiot. I did not even consider he was trying to be kind. But it is not only my fault! He left me guessing, instead of explaining it to me.
So, he didn't want me out of his chambers. And still, he didn't even look at me.
"I thought… I thought you didn't want me."I admitted. It was very difficult for me to say that.
"Why would you think that?" he asked me, surprised. Neither one of us was angry anymore. It seems that we are beginning to realize that we were both to blame for this.
"Because you didn't even look at me after the wedding night, let alone touch me. And when you did, I thought it was nothing more than a convenience and a physical need." I said. It took all the bravery that I had. I had to tell him. I had to tell him the truth.
"I didn't touch you for a while because I thought you were in pain, and I didn't want to hurt you even more. And when I thought that the pain was gone, I saw Elisa washing bloody sheets. She had to tell me you bled, since I thought something happened to you. And I waited because I did not want you to fell even more uncomfortable than you already did." He said. I can't believe it. It was all just a mistake. A misunderstanding, just a stupid misunderstanding." Of course I want you." He said, and he laughed when I looked at him in surprise. I couldn't help it. I'm not used to being wanted. "I would be blind if I wasn't attracted to you. As a matter of fact, I am having a really difficult time having this conversation when you are sitting here like that." He said. I am sure I blushed. He laughed as I covered the lover half of my body with one of the sheets.
"So I did nothing wrong? "I asked.
"Of course not." He said, and he took my hand." My Lady, I know that we didn't expect or plan any of this. But that does not mean it is going to be bad. We respect each other. We were friends. And I do want you. We have almost everything we need to have a good marriage." He said. Almost. Love is what is missing. If we try, we might have everything, not just almost everything.
"Yes, only we do not talk, and that leads to us imagining problems that don't even exist." I said.
"We will change that now." He said with a smile, and I nodded." It might not be easy, but it is not impossible." He said. I truly hate myself now. I let myself believe that he was a horrible person, and that he does not deserve any respect from me. And now he turns out to be one of, if not the kindest man I ever met. I was eyes to eyes with a good man. Who wants me. Maybe not in every way a husband wants his wife, but nothing is no longer unreachable. I dare say, if we trust one another, and if we talk about it, we might build something worth saving.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. And I am. Both for my thoughts and for the way I behaved.
"Don't be." He said. He let go of my hand, and he tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. And his hand rested on my cheek now. I looked at him. He had a small smile on his face. Small, but sincere. And once more, I was captured in those blue eyes. I can only barely remember the time when I thought they didn't affect me. Oh, how wrong was I." Now, my lady…" he said, and his hand dropped." I asked you, lady Elena Lannister, would you mind staying here tonight. And now I ask you, Elena Stark, do you want to stay here tonight?" he asked.
Finally, I was Elena to him. No titles, no formality. Just the way a husband should call his wife.
And he was giving me a choice. I could say no, and go to my chambers, and he would not be angry.
But the truth is, I don't want to say no. I want to trust him. And I'll be damned, but I want to stay.
I raised myself so that now I was kneeling on the bed, and the sheets I was covered in fell down, leaving my body naked. His look traveled upwards, finally remaining on my face. On my lips, and then, on my eyes. I wasn't sure about my movements, but it felt like I was doing the right thing. I kneeled beside him, and I put my leg over him. I raised myself, and he looked straight into my eyes as I sat on him.
He still wanted my permission. I slowly nodded, and his hands were traveling down my back.
"Yes." I whispered." Yes. I want to stay."
That was enough for him. He kissed me like he never kissed me before. And I kissed him back. Oh, how I kissed him back. I wanted this. I wanted him. And now, once I realized how much trouble it had caused us, I was not afraid to tell him that. Or to show him.
I cannot say in what exact moments my insecurities and my fear disappeared, but they did. Now I know what I want, and I know it for sure.
I wanted him. Just as much as he wanted me.