I'm just going to say this: This is going to be a big one. Enjoy. :)
Sansa and I were walking around Winterfell, talking, laughing, and just, enjoying one of the last sunny days before the winter finally comes.
When it comes to Sansa, I have always felt something… I believe its guilt. I identified more with Arya, since I see her as a tinnier and louder version of myself. And I spent more time with her. Sansa and I had less in common, but that does not mean that I did not enjoy her company. I truly did, and that is why I had decided to spend more time with her. Now I could finally do that, since I'm not doing Catelyn's work, but just helping her with it.
"It's so good to be home. I've been here for a while, but still, the relief never leaves me." she said.
"Believe me, I understand it." I said with a small smile.
"Do you miss King's Landing?" She asked, and I thought about it for a few moments.
"It depends." I admitted, feeling that the honesty is the best option." I miss the warmth. The weather. The sea and the incredible view from my chambers. I miss the smell of the sea. But I do not miss the people. As much as I miss the surroundings, I don't miss the people. Casterly Rock should fell like home, and it never did. King's Landing was home, and yet, I don't miss it. In all honesty, I never felt more at home than here, in Winterfell." I said, and I laughed to myself." Of course, a climate change wouldn't hurt. I would love to pack you Starks and go to a warmer place." I said, and Sansa laughed.
"You'll get used to it." she said." King's Landing was warmer than I imagined Hell, but I got used to it." she said, and I laughed. Yes, I have a feeling that it was quite a change for her as this is for me.
"And do you miss King's Landing?" I asked, slightly suspicious, but she shook her head.
"Not at all." she said with a smile. She was adamant about it. And it only made me wonder once again, what in the name of Gods has that little blond monster do to her. I won't ask her. Not yet. If she wanted to talk about it, she would. And maybe her trust in me still needs to grow. That would be understandable.
"We should head back. Septa will look for you." I said, and she nodded with a smile. While Arya would roll her eyes and complain. The two of them could not be more different. And yet, both of them had big, huge hearts. Arya reminded me of myself. And in a strange way, Sansa reminded me of Cersei. But it was only because she is different than her sister. There stop the similarities between Sansa and Cersei.
….
Even if I was just helping Catelyn, I still did not have much free time. For the rest of the afternoon, I split my time between Rickon, Bran and Arya. And of course, along with Arya, I was with Gendry too. The two of them rarely leave each other's side and if Gendry doesn't realize he likes her, I'm going to think he is completely mad. I truly hope that I won't have to interfere, since that is the last thing I want to do.
Just before dinner, I was helping an unbelievably quiet Jon in our favorite barn.
"Jon, what is going on?" I asked suddenly, and he looked confused." You're quiet." I said.
"I'm tired, that's all." he said, and I nodded. I don't believe him.
"You may be tired, but that is not what I meant." I said with a small smile." I won't push you. Just know, if you ever need to talk, I'm here."
"Thank you Elena." He said with a small smile.
"Please, that's the least I could do. You and Gendry are my closest friends, and I will never forget the help you gave me when I first joined your family." I said, and he laughed, probably remembering those times, just like I did now. Time has passed by faster than I expected it to. I feel like just yesterday, I was leaving my carriage, marring Robb, getting used to Winterfell. And now, I'm a name day older than I was then, and I've been in Winterfell for months now, if my count is right, seven months. Time flies by." You never did tell me, when are you heading back to the Wall?" I asked, wanting to change the subject.
"I'm not sure." Jon said, and I raised my eyebrows. He noticed." There are some things I need to deal with first." He said. Gods, he makes it seem like I'm torturing him for information!
"Again I say, I'm not going to push it." I said.
I was hoping that that topic was safe enough to discus, but clearly, it wasn't. Most of the time, none of us were thinking about it. At times, I even tend to forget that he's in the Night's Watch. But when I do remember, I realize that this is one hell of a leave. He's been here ever since Robb and I got married. And now, when I see that he avoids talking about it, I wonder if he wants to stay here for good.
"Could you hand me the rope please?" he asked, and I walked over to him, the rope in my hands." I broke my vows." He said so fast that I barely understood him.
"Sorry, what?" I asked.
"I broke my vows." He repeated, more slowly this time.
"Um… which ones exactly?" I asked. I do not know much about the Night's Watch and their vows. The one I do know, is that they give up women, marriage, love, children, and everything similar.
"Her name is Ygritte. She's a wildling." He said, looking away from me. I suppose this was not easy for him to admit. And I know that it is not easy for me to give him advice.
"Was it… Was it real, or just a moment of weakness?" I asked, slowly, and carefully.
"I hoped it was a moment of weakness, but I fear that it was real." He admitted.
"And that is why you're still here?" I asked, and he nodded." Do not get me wrong, if I could, I would tie you here and not let you leave. I love you like a brother, and I would hate to see you leave, but Jon, you're an idiot." I said, and he looked at me in surprise." For the love of Gods, you can't just run away. That is the worst thing you could do. The way I see it, you have three options. You could leave the Night's Watch. You could return and pretend like you have never met her. Or you could go to her, tell her you love her, sweep her of her feet, and bring her back here. But avoiding the problem all together is by far the worst thing you could do." I said.
"She will never go with me Elena." He said." She is a wildling. Her freedom is more important to her than I am."
"And how do you know that, have you asked her?" I asked, and he shook his head." Men. Jon, if you love her, you should at least ask her for her opinion! For all we know, she might want to." I said.
"I don't know." He said, and he took a deep breath." I'll go back to the Wall, but I don't think I'll stay there. I will probably return, with or without Ygritte." He said, and I smiled.
"You complain so much about Arya and myself, and here you are, the biggest rebel of the family, the one who broke his vows and doesn't regret it."
"I might not regret it, but I do feel bad about it." he corrected me.
"Yes, and you feeling bad about it is just going to sort out everything, right?" I asked, and he rolled his eyes." Don't worry. Whatever happens, you'll always have us." I said, a small smile on my face.
"Please, don't tell anyone about this. Not even Robb. Please Elena." Jon whispered.
"Don't worry. This stays between the two of us." I said, and he nodded." Now, let's finish this and go to the hall." I said, and we continued with our work.
I hate knowing something that I can't tell Robb about. I am proud of the fact that he trusts me, and that is why it bothers me to know something that I can't tell him. But I made a promise to Jon. And what I know in no way affects Robb, so I suppose that I'm the only one who's making a big deal out of it.
Jon supported me when I needed him, and he was by my side as I was trying to fit in Robb's life. And he did not run along to his brother to tell him what we talked about. I owe it to Jon to keep my mouth shut and I will do so.
I wasn't very tired, so after dinner, I remained in the hall to see if I can help the servants with the work. The people of Winterfell did not see me as a stranger no more. I was one of them, and I was proud of it, probably even more than I should. I have spent my entire life trying to accommodate the people around me, and this is the first time that I actually felt good about it.
I was happy when I was finally alone with Robb. We barely saw each other today, and I do enjoy when we talk in the evenings, before we start ripping each other's clothes off. That is the way our nights go these days. We talk, maybe even have a laugh, and before we know it, we're all over each other.
I smiled at him, and I turned around to pour myself some wine. Almost every night, after dinner, I drink some wine. Whether I drink it or not, Elisa is going to bring it to the two of us, so I might as well drink it.
"How was your day?" Robb asked, and I shrugged.
"Good. Slow. I mostly wasted my time talking to your sisters." I said, and he laughed.
"That is a good thing. I don't want Sansa depressed, and I don't want Arya following Gendry around." He said, and I rolled my eyes. Now he's just pretending.
"Never mind Arya and Gendry, how was your day?" I asked, and leaned onto the desk.
"It would have been a whole lot better if I didn't have to rip Theon away from Ros." He said.
"Gods, if he's so obsessed with the poor girl, why doesn't he just marry her?" I asked.
"Because Theon is complicated, that's why. And Theon still is a high born, and Ros is a whore."
"So what? Precisely because he's a high born, Theon has to stand up. He needs to fight for his right to love, marry and bed whomever he wants." I said, and he looked confused. I started laughing." I'm joking. But I suppose, if it is true love, he should be given an opportunity, don't you agree?" I asked.
"I would agree, but I know that it is not true love." He said, and I laughed. Sadly, I knew it too. I doubt there will come a day when Theon will become a responsible, family man. Well, at least it's not my husband that sleeps around with whores. I am enough for him, and I can hope that it remains that way.
Robb took my hand. And that was it. Just holding hands, lacing fingers, and looking at each other in silence. It was so calming and soothing that I jumped up when we heard a knock on the door.
CATELYN
"Come in!" I heard Robb's voice and I walked into their chambers. It seems that I didn't interrupt them, that they were just talking.
"Robb, there's been a problem." I said, a bit breathless, since I was running all the way to here." A fire. One of the barns is on fire, and it's spreading. Your father needs you." I said. Robb jumped off his seat at once, and only stopped to look at Elena. She was looking at him, worry and shock on her face, and yet, she had no idea what to tell him. She just moved out of his way.
"I'll be back soon." He said. He said that to reassure her, not both of us. The look he gave me as he was walking out told me everything. I need to be here with her.
"Is it serious?" she asked, once she was finally able to speak.
"I'm afraid so." I said, and she nodded, franticly walking from one wall to another." Elena, calm down. Ned and Robb have it under control." I said, not sure if she's actually listening to me." We can only wait, so please, calm down." I said, and once again, she nodded. She sat behind the desk, but she was avoiding making eye contact. And I was forcing it. She is going to be the Lady of Winterfell when I'm gone, and there is going to be plenty of stressful situations, just like this one. She needs to learn how to be stronger. Gods forbid anything happens to Robb too… If she is left alone, she has to learn. The sooner, the better. I can only hope that I am capable enough to help her on this journey.
"We should be there." She whispered, and I looked at her in surprise." Catelyn, we should be there. Lord Stark and Robb, and…. What if something happens? What if something happens to Robb?" she asked, but before I could answer her, she got up." I have to be there." She said. I managed to stop her by grabbing her by the hand and pulling her towards me. She looked at me in surprise.
"Elena, I am worried sick. You have a husband in danger; I have a husband and my eldest son in danger. I am as worried as you are. Trust me now. We should stay here. We can't help them." I whispered. I could see clearly that she wants to go there either way, that she doesn't want to listen, that she wants to help.
"I understand." She said in a low voice, than started pacing across the chambers, there and back again.
I didn't realize she started caring about Robb so deeply. Of course, it was obvious that she cares for the family, but this was something different. She was actually paralyzed with fear when she realized that he will be in danger. And now, when I look at her, I can see that she worries, more than she should.
If I was calm myself, I would have helped her more. But I was only better in hiding my emotions.
The candles almost melted down as we waited. Mostly in silence. I was the one who spoke, only to reassure her that Robb will be alright. It must have been hours. And we didn't know anything.
Finally, the door opened. I let out a sigh of relief as Robb walked in.
"We stopped it." he said, looking at Elena now, who was leaning onto the wall. Seeing that she won't be answering him anytime soon, Robb turned to me." We're all alright. No one is hurt, not even the animals. It was just an accident." He said, and I nodded. I got up, and hugged him. After he pulled away, he turned to Elena once again." Elena?" he called, and she turned around.
"Don't you ever do that to me again." she whispered, and moments later, she was running towards him. Robb looked at me in surprise as she hugged him. I shrugged and made my way out of the chambers. I was worried sick, but I had a smile on my face.
I found Ned in our chambers.
"Unbelievable." He said as I closed the door behind me." As soon as I start to think that everything is going well, something bad happens. I just doesn't stop." He said.
"Sadly, I don't think it ever will. Is the damage something we can afford?" I asked as I walked behind him. I hugged him around the waist. Thank the Gods, he keeps returning to me, safe and sound.
"We'll manage. I need to find Robb and talk about the reparations." He said.
"That can wait." I said, and he turned around in surprise. I smiled." I just saw our son and his wife realizing they love each other. Whatever you need to talk to him about, it can wait." I said.
"You think they are in love?" he asked, and I nodded.
"I know they are. The relief she felt when he walked in… well, I should know it. I feel it every time you do something stupid and manage to survive." I said, and he smiled." I do love you still." I added.
"I know you do." He said and kissed me.
ELENA
"Don't you ever do that to me again." I whispered and I started running towards him. My legs were shaking, and I could barely stand, but I did not care. I couldn't look away from him, I only heard Catelyn leaving the room. I was still staring at Robb, touching his face, his chest, making sure that he is real.
"Elena, I am alright." He reassured me, but I shook my head.
"No, you don't understand. You scared the shit out of me." I whispered, not even caring about my language. He was staring at me, his expression blank. I shook my head." I thought I was never going to see you. I was scared something might happen. It's just…" I said, and I realized I had no idea what it is, and that I don't really want to know, and I just kissed him.
The kiss was serious. The relief has turned into gratitude and then into happiness, to my confusion.
"Elena, you can relax, everything is alright." He whispered, and I kissed him briefly.
"Don't you dare leave me alone. Don't you dare and do that Robb Stark. We have to do this together. I would be lost without you. Gods, don't do that ever again. I need you. I love you."
I did not realize what I said until I said it. It was too late to take it back. And I didn't want to take it back either way. It is the truth.
I love him. After all the whining and crying and frightening myself of it, I realize that I love him.
"Do you?" he asked, his voice barely audible, his expression serious.
"Yes." I answered in a whisper. I was not embarrassed. Yes, I wished with all my heart that he will say it back, but right now, I am more than happy with just him, standing in front of me, alive and well.
I could stay like this forever, just close to him, his eyes on mine, his hands on my face. I was fine. But he wasn't. He pulled me closer to him, and kissed me. And this time, it was truly like never before.
His lips were hungry, but so were mine. And we just met in the middle.
My hands were in his hair, and he was pulling me closer, only to realize that nothing is close enough.
I pulled away and started untying his shirt, and to my complete shock, he wasn't at all that patient. He started untying my dress and ended up ripping it up. The only thing I could do was to help him with taking it off.
The urge was stronger than anything else. We didn't even have the time to reach the bed. We were on the floor. I had never done anything less romantic, and yet, I never felt anything more romantic than the feeling that I felt now.
I was gentle, but I moved at my own pace. We stopped being formal. Embarrassingly enough, that led to me becoming vocal in inappropriate moments, like just now.
I didn't care anymore. I really didn't care. If the whole Winterfell hears me, I don't care! I don't care because he is my husband and I enjoy him, and he can make me feel like no one else can, and I enjoy moaning for him!
He caught me by surprise when he raised himself. I was sitting on him, and now he was sitting too, his hands on my back, his lips traveling from my breasts too my neck, ending on my lips. It wasn't a kiss, since we were both breathing heavily, but I just needed the feel of him. He bit my lower lip.
"Gods."I whispered, and he started moving faster, like he was challenged or something. My breathing became erratic, my nails were digging into his back, and I was losing it. It all became cloudy and all I could feel was him. Him inside me, him moving, him touching me, him close to me, him loving me.
When I couldn't handle it any more, I gave up with a scream. Scream of pleasure, screaming his name.
We climaxed together and we fell together too. I collapsed on top of him, my face on his chest, barely having the strength to breath. I could smell him. He smelt of… sweat and leather. A little bit of a metal smell too. And something I can't quite… Oh, I know what it is! A huge smile appeared on my face once I realized that he smelt of me. I could smell a trace of the Dornish perfume I occasionally wear. I did wear it yesterday, as well as today. I was grinning like an idiot now.
"What is so amusing?" he asked. For a moment, I thought he was being ironic, and I looked up, only to see him smiling at me. I smiled back.
"Nothing worth mentioning." I said. One more thing I will never ever tell him.
"Gods, how beautiful you are." He whispered, and I smiled. "You're blushing?" he asked in surprise.
"Probably because I look like a mess, and as far as I can recall, you never called me beautiful before. Ugh, just, never mind." I said, and laid back my head on his chest, my fingers traveling up his strong arms. I'm sweaty, my hair needs brushing, and I'm blushing. I'm sure that I'm not beautiful.
"I love you, you know?" he asked, and I looked up in surprise." I do." He said with a smile on his face." I knew that from the day you were chasing the animals around Winterfell." He admitted. And his confession was followed by laughter, probably because I was silently begging him not to talk about that ever again. At least one good thing happened that day." I'm more than happy to never leave you alone. We're in this together. And I love you, with all my heart." He said. I had no idea what to tell him. It was hard enough for me to admit my feelings, I am definitely not ready to using pretty words to enhance them. Once again, I can't say, but I can show. I smiled, and I kissed him. Our lips barely touching, just brushing, and yet, the feeling was there. If this is not love, I don't know what it is.