-*approaches reviewers like they're wild animals* Its okay people. Everything's going to be fine. I promise.
-This fic is loosely based off of a dream that I had. The most realistic dream ever. Ryder is who I should have been. Instead, in that dream, I was a lot darker. I want all of you to know this so you understand why I keep giving Ryder so much crap to deal with. I wanted to be a character worth being proud of. I want you to be a character that you can be proud of. You don't need to become her. You ARE the story of Jane Ryder. Thank you for making it a good one. :)
-Now grab some Kleenex. This is going to be a rough chapter. (Don't worry though. Ryder will get a happy ending. But you won't see it until like the last two paragraphs of the final chapter. Until then...)
About a week has passed since the incident with the Moment and everything. Rose and the Doctor don't remember it. But I knew that they wouldn't. The Doctor does remember the whole thing in the sense of Elizabeth and Zygons. That's the one thing I wish he would forget.
The whole ordeal was extremely draining. Of course, a lot has been happening. First with Meta, and then Eleven actually being the Doctor's son. My song will end. He will knock four times. Really it all started in a plane but that wa so long ago. I hardly think about it any more.
I want to lose myself and forget for a while. So I immerse myself in a book. The book that Meta got me in New York. Hexwood. It's then that I find it. A note tucked between the pages. A letter to me.
Dearest Ryder,
By the time you read this I will be gone. I'm sorry. But I can't let you die. I just can't. I know you don't understand that yet. But you will. So much needs to happen. So much that you need to do.
Remember that day I disappeared? You didn't ask me where I was because you knew I couldn't answer. Not yet. But the answer is coming. You'll know. And when you get there, you need to be careful, because I won't quite be ready. For us I mean. It's just the beginning really.
But I need you to know now. I need you to know that I love you. I've been afraid of those words but I can't be. Something about my humanity makes me want to embrace it. In life and in death.
You told me once that we were your reason. Rose and the Doctor and Donna and I. You told me that I was part of your reason for living. That purpose was keeping you alive. You are my reason Jane Ryder. You are the reason that I'm still alive. And because of that, it's worth it. You're worth dying for.
Be safe my love. Find a new reason, because I don't want you going on alone.
Always, Your Meta
Tears stream down my face as I clutch the letter to my chest. How is this fair? Why did this need to happen? I feel anger well up in me from deep within my bones. I shake with it as I grab the book and fling it across the room.
I scream in rage. "Why?!" I yank the covers from my bed and fall to my knees. I wail and cry. How dare he! How dare he write me a simple letter like this. Why couldn't he have told me to my face.
"Coward!" My tears block my vision. I see nothing. Hear nothing. I curl in on myself as my crying turns to soft sobbing. The letter is still clutched in my fist. My awareness leaves me as my body gives into exhaustion.
DWDWDW DWDWDW DWDWDW DWDW
When I awaken, I'm relieved to realize that the Doctor and Rose didn't find me. The TARDIS hums to me and I know that she blocked them out so they wouldn't hear me in my grief.
"Thanks old girl." I didn't want them to find me. Rose is having a baby, I don't want to make her upset. And the Doctor has had enough sadness in his life. He doesn't need mine.
I set out to straighten up. I fix my bed, and I straighten the book shelves. I smooth out the letter and stick it to the mirror on my vanity table. I can't stay mad at him. Not really. It was his way of saying goodbye, even if I'm not ready for that just yet.
Months in the TARDIS pass. Adventures both dangerous and simple fun come our way. Rose is just entering the eighth month of her pregnancy when we head to a theater showing of Phantom of the Opera in 2059.
As we head out of the theater, snow drifts down from the sky. And then a familiar sound is heard not far away. The sound of the TARDIS materializing. A moment later, Rose and the Doctor both groan.
"What was that?" Rose asks.
The Doctor is concerned and looks slightly angry. "Someone is pulling on a fixed point."
I yank my journal from my jacket to confirm my suspicion. November 21st, 2059. The day that Bowie Base One exploded. The waters of mars. I suck in a breath. Could the Doctor have done something? The presence of another TARDIS and the ripple in the timeline seems to suggest it.
"Go back to the TARDIS."
"Jane?"
"Rose. You and the Doctor need to go back to the TARDIS. I'll be back in a minute." I start to head in the direction the sound came from.
"Where are you going?" The Doctor calls after me.
"To help a friend. Go take care of your wife." I turn the corner and I start to run. I don't know exactly where I'm going but I try to trust my instincts. I pass a street that looks familiar so I go back and turn down it. And then I see the TARDIS.
There's a man walking toward it. There's something familiar about him but he isn't the Doctor. Not the one I know. I'm running toward him, but the sound of a gunshot stops me in my tracks. The man turns toward the house that the shot rang from an falls to his knees.
I rush forward as fast as I can. I brush my hand on the TARDIS and ask the silent question. She answers me. This is the Doctor's son. I go to his bent over form and wrap my arms around him.
"You stupid stupid boy. Why would you do this?"
The young man in my arms cries. He doesn't hug me back, but he leans into me for comfort as sobs wrack his body. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Shush. It's okay. It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes. As long as you learn from them, you're going to be just fine."
He pulls back and wipes the tears from his face. And then he looks at me for the first time. His eyes are just like his mothers. Whiskey colored and full of life. But there is sadness in them too, like his father. His brown hair stands up on all ends like the man before him. He's wearing the orange space suit that I know he must have been wearing for the whole adventure.
He forces a smile. "Hi Auntie Jane."
I smile back at him. "Hello young man."
"I'm really not. A young man I mean. I'm in my 450's."
My eyes widen. 450 years? He's been around a long time. "Old man then."
His smile is a little more real this time. And then it drops from his face as he speaks. "I shouldn't have done it. I was wrong. The Time lord Victorious is wrong."
"Yes. But you learned something didn't you? So learn it, remember it and move on. That's all you can really do."
"What am I suppose to do now Auntie Jane? I'm alone. I'm the last of my kind. How am I suppose to...?"
I sigh heavily. His uncle Meta had the answer for this. "You find a new reason. You find a purpose to live. You find something worth living for, and worth dying for."
He swallows my advice silently. And then I ask a question to clarify. "You've come from Trenzalore. Haven't you?"
He nods. "My parents...they..." He can't bare to finish his sentence.
I rub his shoulder and shush him. "It's okay. You don't have to explain."
A shadow falls over us and he looks up. "Dad."
I look up and see the Doctor. His stoic face softens as he looks at his son for the first time. At least in memory. He crouches down in front of him. "I know I taught you better than this."
"You did. I lost myself for a moment."
The Doctor nods and looks down. "I know the feeling. But you can't let it happen again. I assume you're alone now. I don't want you to be. I'll do my best to change that but..."
"You can't Dad. Any more than I could save Adelaide tonight. Some moments aren't meant to be rewritten. But it's okay." A look of determination crosses his face. "Someone has to be the Doctor."
The Doctor himself is pained by this. "I never wanted that burden for you."
"It's okay. I'll be fine. I'm always fine."
The Doctor seems resigned to it. So he places his hand on his son's shoulder and gives his blessing. "Never cruel or cowardly."
He looks at me and I finish it. "Never give up, never give in."
The Time Lord of the future nods, smiles and stands. He winces as he fails to walk straight. The Doctor and I catch him. "Son?"
"I'm fine...just..." He pulls his hand away from his side and I notice blood for the first time. "It's time for me to go."
He places his hand on the TARDIS and steadies himself. "It's time for me to continue the story without you. Love you Dad. And thank you Jane Ryder for everything. I'll never forget you."
"I don't want you to go." My heart breaks with the Doctor's voice.
I need to be the strong one yet again I think. This situation needs to be lightened. "May the force be with you, my young Padawan."
He smiles at me and let's out a small laugh. He inclines his head to me. "Thank you master." And with that, he walks inside and closes the door.
The Doctor and I stand unmoving as the box disappears before us. But what that reveals makes my heart stop. An Ood stands there. Silent and solemn. No. It can't be time yet. Not yet. But I know that it is. There's no putting this off.
"Time for us I go."
"Go where?"
"To the planet of the Ood. My song is ending Doctor. He will knock four times. We...I'm out of time."
"Your song? But I've heard that before. Wait sorry. Did you say four knocks?"
I simply look at him and he knows. "Right. Time to go."
"Yeah."
We head back to our home. Rose asks if it was sorted. By silent consensus we decide not to tell her what happened and simply tell her that everything worked out fine. Time to go. Yeah. Yeah it is. Id like to think that I'll get rest from this. But Meta and I still have something ahead, and the Doctor's son still knows me. Perhaps the universe will wake me up again. Then again, time can be rewritten.