I remember when I first arrived to Winterfell how I thought it was very cold. I laughed out loud at the memory as I was tightening my fur coat around my slightly larger belly. Compared to the weather now, it was almost tropical. I would probably fain from the heat if I ever go back to King's Landing.
The child in me was growing fast. We still couldn't be sure if I carry once child, or twins. We will find out when I start going in labor I suppose.
I was blessed with a good pregnancy so far. I haven't felt sick, the kinds of food that repulsed me now, I could live without, and the food I was craving was near. I did get easily tired, but I expected that.
And I was good in hiding my worries. Not long after I realized that I am about to be a mother, I started thinking about it. Well, over thinking. The constant question was Will I be a good mother, but that wasn't the only thing that worried me.
I grew up without my mother. I am not sure if she ever had a chance to hold me in her arms. All I know was that she said that my name is Elena. And that was it. I was born, Joanna Lannister died, and I never knew my own mother.
It is not a surprise that I worry about my child and myself considering the way I was welcomed to this world. I was named my mother's killer. Will my child be my killer? I would hate to leave the world in which I have Robb right by my said, but that is not the main reason of my concerns. If I die, that means that it was my time to go. But I do not want my child growing up with the same feeling I have felt for years. And I still feel it, occasionally, when I try to imagine my mother that I look nothing alike.
I haven't shared my fears with anyone, not even with Robb. If I must carry this burden, I don't want anyone else to carry it with me. I can only hope and pray that all will be well. And that if it doesn't, Robb will make a lot better father to our child than Tywin Lannister ever was to me.
I feel that my worry will last until it's all over. And it will be over, one way or the other.
Feeling all warmed up in my coat, I went to the courtyard for a stroll. Soon enough, I found Catelyn and I joined her as she was looking down on her children, who were training. Well, Robb was teaching Bran how to shoot an arrow from his saddle, Sansa and Rickon were watching, and Arya was swiningin her sword, apparently unaware of the existence of anyone else. She truly had the focus of a knight.
"How do you feel today Elena?" Catelyn asked me with a smile on her face. It is starting to bother me when people are so gentle around me. I'm not going to break in two, I'm not going to go into labor anytime soon, and I don't need to be carried around. But it's one think not to let me pick up a cup, and another to ask me how I feel today.
"Fine, thank you." I said with a small smile." But I must say, I have trouble when sleeping. I either have nightmares, or I try so hard not to move and hurt the baby that I end up being awake." I admitted.
"Oh, I remember that." Catelyn said with a smile, and I was relieved to hear that I am not the only one who had those fears. Which makes them more rational now. Oh Gods, can't I just stop worring?!
"So it is normal?" I asked, and she nodded.
"Very much so. Vivid dreams are usual. I only had nightmares occasionally." She added.
"Well, you were pregnant in a more peaceful time." I said, and she smiled.
"Not with Robb I wasn't." She said, and I frowned, not sure what she was talking about." When Ned returned from the war, I had a child in my hands. He was gone for almost the whole pregnancy." She said. I do not envy her, not at all.
"I can't imagine what I would feel like if Robb wasn't by my side." I admitted. I may be admitting to having a weakness, but I am definitely not ashamed of it. I am entering an unknown territory, and I need my husband to enter it along with me.
"Luckily, you don't have to." Catelyn said and I smiled." He barely leaves your side." She noticed.
"To be honest, I think I will be very annoyed if he continues doing that until I give birth." I said, and she laughed." He just worries, that's all." I said.
"No, that is not all. He loves you. Look." She said, and I followed her gaze, to see Robb looking at the two of us, and not Bran, who was waiting for his attention. He smiled at me, and then he winked.
"He does love to embarrass me." I said, and Catelyn laughed once again. At times, I look at her and realize how fortunate I am that she accepts me, and looks at me like I'm her own daughter. She could have hated me just as easily. And you don't want to feel the hatred of your husband's mother.
"Enjoy the joys of young love." She said, and I smiled. Now, that is just not true. I see the way Ned looks at her. It's the same way Robb looks at me, only more mature. I can only hope that as we grow, Robb and I will learn to let our love grow, the same way Ned's and Catelyn's love did.
"I do suppose it will change once we have this child." I said, hand on my growing belly. The noise bellow us caught my attention. Sansa, Bran and Robb were cheering, and they even caught Arya's attention. Bran hit the mark. Straight in the center. I felt proud of him, just as the rest of his family who was watching." He keeps getting better." I said, noticing a trace of worry on Catelyn's face.
"He does. I'm happy as long as he's active and happy even." She said. I can't imagine how she feels. Bran was feeling bad for a very long time after he found out he won't be able to walk. And in the past few weeks, he was out every single day, and not just carried by Hodor, but on the horse, by himself. He was finding the silver lining in his cloud, and I understand the relief that that brings to Catelyn.
"We will all get pass this." I said, and she looked at me, slightly confused." Everything. One day, it will all be good again. Calm and peaceful. Uneventful. Just like it should be." I said. Now she could understand. I deliberately didn't share my feelings that not all of us will live to see those times. There is going to be a war, and there is going to be a losing side. And I will pray that we are not the losing side.
"We will." She said with a small smile." And now that you mentioned that… Ned and I would like to talk to you and Robb. Tonight, after dinner." She said. I felt a jolt in my stomach, and it had nothing to do with the wedding. It has come. The day we avoided successfully for a very long time.
"Of course." I said and I took a deep breath." I'll continue my walk. Would you like to join me?" I asked.
"Yes, thank you." She said, and we left her children to train without a crowd.
….
"Do you know what they want to talk to us about?" I asked Robb as we walked through the corridors of the castle from our chambers to the library, where Ned and Catelyn were waiting for us.
"Is it that difficult to guess?" he asked. He was serious.
"No, of course not. I just hoped you have a bit more insight than I do." I asked, and he smiled at me.
"You should know by now that I share everything with you." He said, and I smiled back at him. Words can't describe how much I love my wonderful, beautiful, amazing husband. He is my man, and he will be my man until my last breath." We took our time I suppose." He said. And he couldn't have been more right. We could avoid this for only so long.
Robb and I walked into the library, and Ned pointed his hand on the two chairs in front of him. Robb and I were sitting on one side, Ned and Catelyn on the other. I'm not sure why I feel so nervous now.
"Robb. Elena. I decided to gather us here because the time has come." He said in a serious tone." The time has come for the House of Stark to decide what has to be done. We all know the situation too well. I, as the warden of the North need to make my decision, and that is why I need the three of you. I trust no one like I trust you. Cat, who's been by my side from the beginning. My heir, my son, the next warden of the North and his wife, a woman I owe my life to. The two of you will lead the North one day. And I need to hear your opinion as I make my decision." He said. Oh Gods. This is truly happening.
"Where should we begin?" Robb asked.
"From the beginning. Joffrey is not the true heir of the Throne. It does not belong to him." Ned said.
"And it doesn't belong to the Lannisters either." I said, and the three of them looked at me. " Believe me, the Kingdome is not ruled by a Baratheon. It is ruled by my old family. My father. Joffrey is nothing more than his puppet. If we start a war, it will not be against the Baratheons. It will be against the Lannisters." I said. And I felt no guilt talking like that about my old family. I don't have them anymore.
"Elena couldn't be more right." Catelyn said." Stannis Baratheon and Renly Baratheon must know that Joffrey isn't Robert's true son." She said.
"They do." Ned said." Renly fled King's Landing before they could imprison him too. Both of them are hiding and waiting." He said.
"If we start a war, we will have to join forces with one of them." Robb said. And he is right. If we want to win, we have to do that. The only question is who is the right choice for us.
"That is easier said than done. Especially since Gendry has a claim to the Throne before both of them. That is, if he is legitimized by his family, and I can't imagine either Stannis or Renly doing that." Ned said.
"I'm not sure if the boy even wants to be King, Ned." Catelyn said.
"He doesn't." I said, comfortable of speaking in Gendry's name, since we've spend several hours talking about the possibility of him being King." He doesn't want it. But with him, we have a way. And he is more than happy to help. He is not a weapon for us to wave it in front of Stannis or Renly, but if Gendry is legitimized, they will have a reason to help us. We can promise them the Throne." I said in a low voice.
"Stannis is the older brother. If Gendry doesn't want the Throne, Stannis is the next in line." Robb said. If only it were that easy. Sadly, I know both Stannis and Renly. To be honest, I know Renly a whole lot better, since I grew up close to him. But I know very well that Stannis isn't the ideal man for this.
"Elena, speak your mind." Ned said, and he actually surprised me." You know them better than we do."
"Stannis does have the right to the Throne before Renly. But Stannis is… I wouldn't say mad, but he is not that far away from it. If I had a choice, I wouldn't trust him. Renly is more… persuadable. If we were to negotiate with him, I guarantee that I could help you in making an alliance with Renly."I said.
"We need to look at the consequences too." Catelyn said, looking first at me, than at Ned." Stannis may be the next in line, but I agree with Elena that Renly may be a better choice for us." She said.
"That would be ideal." Robb agreed." We fight the Lannisters, Renly fights Stannis, we get the North and Renly gets King's Landing." He said. That might just be the best plan, but it will not happen easily.
"We have the North and the Riverrun. If we have Renly too, we just might win." Catelyn said.
"That may be right, but we must take our time. And since we might need Elena to negotiate with Renly, I suggest we wait until your child is born." Ned said. Well, one thing is sure, if we go to war, I do not plan on leaving Robb behind. And they just said that they need me. It seems that I will be the one waiting in the tent, child in my arms, for my husband to come back from the battlefield. I never imagined that that will be my destiny." Once we start this, there will be no going back. And Robb, you will lead this more than I will. My leg still hurts. I'm in no shape for the battlefield. I may be the Lord of Winterfell until I die, but you will lead this." He said, and Robb firmly nodded. Of course. As brave as he is, he is more than ready to accept this duty. And I will have to expect that one day he might not return to me.
"We will wait." Catelyn said." And then we will bring justice to the ones who deserve it." she said.
And with that, our meeting ended. Well, council might be the better word for it. Robb and I walked to our chambers in silence. I am not sure what he was thinking about, but I know what was on my mind.
He will lead this war. He will lead his army, and I will spend countless days and nights in utter fear, praying to both the Old Gods and the New that he returns to me.
We dressed silently in the clothes we slept in. Even though my pregnancy only made me want him even more than before, tonight was not the night, and we both knew it.
It is just like he said once. We will have to grow up. So far, our marriage was wonderful. We might have had a rough start, but we managed to turn it into something beautiful and worth fighting for. And we have lived peacefully, ignoring the dangers ahead. And now our days are counted. Now we know that we only wait for the right moment to start it all.
We won't lead a quiet family life that we wanted. We might lead it someday, but we will have to fight for it. And it scares me that it will all fall on Robb. I won't be surprised if Ned officially steps down, and names Robb the Lord of Winterfell. And even if he doesn't, more weight will be on his shoulders. The worst part is that Ned is doing it only out of necessity. He doesn't want his son in danger any more than I do. He doesn't have a choice, and Robb will have to be the leader of this. This… rebellion.
As he held me close to him, I smiled. I could no longer hug him in my sleep the way I used to do. My head would usually be on his chest, his arms around me, but since I can't sleep on my stomach anymore, we turn around, and my back is against his chest. And it is like that now. He kissed my shoulder, but I know that it was going to stop there. That was an act of affection, not a start of another passionate night.
"Are you scared?" He asked me. I see no reason to lie.
"Petrified." I admitted, and I took in a deep breath." You?" I asked.
"If I wasn't scared, I would be mad, wouldn't I?" he asked, and after I thought about it for a moment, I nodded. Fear is horrible, but it is also good for you, in a very strange way. It shows that you have something to lose. And the fear of losing something you love is the best motivation there is.
"We will make it." I whispered. "Don't ask me how. But I know we will. I know it." I whispered.
"We will fight your family." He said, and I shook my head.
"No. You are my family. Don't insult me by thinking otherwise. I only care for Tyrion and Myrcella and Tommen. Tyrion is on our side, Myrcella is in Dorne the last I heard of, and I doubt they will let a boy on the battlefield. The ones are care for are not in danger. So don't think that I'm worrying about them, because my only worry is if you return to me at the end of this." I said.
"I will always return to you. Always." He said, kissed my shoulder once again, and I squeezed his hand.
"You'd better." I said, and I heard him laughing.
"Do you believe you will be able to convince Renly?" he asked, and he caught me by surprise.
"I know that I can do that. Renly and I… well, we weren't exactly friends, but when you live surrounded by people who mostly hate you, you tend to find a companion in the same situation. I know him."
"But once he marries the Tyrell girl, he will be a bigger threat." He said, and I started laughing.
"Margaery Tyrell?" I asked, still laughing." Oh, the poor girl. Renly won't be a threat. I know things about him that might be… of use for us if he still has his doubts once we make our offer." I said.
"Like what?" He asked, and I laughed.
"Well, let's just say that Margaery isn't the Tyrell that makes Renly's blood boil. I'll leave it at that." I said, and Robb laughed.
"Remind me not to cross you." He said, still laughing.
"Remind yourself." I said, and I kissed his hand." We will make it my love. Starks will be stronger than ever. Your parents, your siblings… Gendry and Tyrion too. And the two of us. The two of us and our child. Can I ask you to promise me something?" I asked.
"Of course." He said, and I took a deep breath.
"If you die before I do… in war, in your sleep, if you drown in the bath, no matter when… If you die before I do… Will you become a spirit and haunt me until I join you?" I asked, and he started laughing. I was not exactly serious, but if that does happen, and he has a choice, he'd better do it.
"You are crazy, woman." He said, and I turned around to look at him.
"Promise me." I asked, not smiling, but dead serious. He has to know that I don't want to lose him.
"Alright, I promise. If I die, I will haunt you until you die too." He said, and I kissed him quickly.
"Good. Now, goodnight." I said, and I could feel him laughing.
"Goodnight, my crazy, beautiful wife." He whispered, his lips against my neck. I never want this to end. And if I myself need to fight to keep it that way, I will do it. I swear.
I only need to survive the birth of our child. Then I will fight. Like a lioness, like a direwolf, like any wild animal, I will fight to protect my own.