Just a regular author's note. I love you guys, keep reading. And thank you. :)
I sight. Getting into a dress never seemed to be such a trouble. But now it was. I can't bend down, I can't see my own feet, and I am slowly starting to get irritated by being with child. I will love my son or daughter dearly, but I honestly can't wait until it's out of me.
If there is one thing I ever truly hated with all my heart, it was being limited. I wasn't allowed to be friends with Gendry, and I broke the rules. I always broke the rules. Whenever I was limited by anything or anyone, I fought. And now there was nothing I could do. I could only wait until the child decides that it is time for him or her to see the light of day. And then the true battle starts.
"Elena, I will do it for you." Elisa said once she saw my struggle. I hated it, but I let her help me, and tie my dress." It's almost time, isn't it?" she said, and I when I looked at the mirror in front of us, she was smiling. I looked away. Even now, I have a trouble with looking at my own reflection. It's been a long time since I was a Lannister. I was a Stark now, and yet, I still felt the pressure of being a Lannister, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. I was proud that I didn't look like one of them, and yet, the memory of being different still haunted me. I suppose it is just heightened now that I'm carrying a child.
"I do hope so." I answered, and she laughed." No one ever told me it was this difficult. Of course, it is a blessing, but my feet are killing me." I said, and she laughed once again.
"I gave up that blessing a long time ago. I wouldn't know." She said. I felt guilty now.
"Elisa, you should now, if you want to have your own family, all you have to do is say it. I don't know how, but I will manage without you. I don't want you to miss out on anything." I said.
"Oh, don't you worry." She said, and I turned around. She was smiling, but that didn't reassure me." I will love your children like they're my own. That will be enough." She insisted, but it didn't feel quite right. I decided something. I will find Elisa a husband. That is, of course, if she agrees to it. I won't make decisions about her life without including her in it. If she agrees, I will not let her spend her days working for me. To be honest, I don't know how I would manage without her. She has been by my side for so long. And not only does she care about the things I don't usually pay any attention to, like the color of my dress, or the style of my hair, she is also a friend. She has been my companion for a very long time, and in a way, she was an older sister that Cersei never was.
At the thought of Cersie, my mood changed instantly. I have received yet another letter from her. And this one was also a congratulatory letter. The word of my pregnancy has traveled across Westeros, and left Robb and I buried under the pile of letters. And instead of joy, I only felt even more worry.
My father did seemed pleased enough, and as did Cersei, still continuing in the manner of a regretful sister. That did not convince me. I know all eyes are looking at the North now. They wait for the day when we will start the fight. And once that day comes, my child will be in danger. My child and my husband will be the once in the greatest danger, as they are heirs, one unborn, and the other one ready to replace his father.
It is getting hard to pretend. Each and every day that passes, it is getting harder and harder.
We all feel it. We know that that day is just around the corner, and we are all scared about the consequences of the choices we will make now, and in the future. And still, we all pretend like there is nothing going on. Enjoying our family life here in Winterfell, smiles on our faces, laughter in the halls. But we all have that time when we look away, and you could see anyone of us, looking in the distance, fearing of what is yet to come. When I first arrived here, it happened rarely. Now, it happens every day. Every single time someone's gaze leaves mine, I could see them thinking about the things we avoided so successfully. And I know I do the same. We all know it. Still, we do not dare talk about it.
Not wanting to think about it anymore, I decided to go for a walk. Well, maybe wobble should be a better description. At least Robb wasn't following me around, his arms open, waiting to catch me if I trip and fall. We had a heated discussion about that. And he stepped back, either realizing that I was right, or deciding that it's just not worth the fight. I'm happy with not know which one was the truth.
"Elena?" Someone called, and I was relieved to see Sansa. I should have recognized her voice, but I was in my own thoughts right now, and I was not focused. I was just glad that it wasn't Robb. As much as I loved the man, I was sick of him at this point." Mind if I join you?" She asked, and I smiled.
"Did I ever?" I asked, and she smiled back at me. We started walking in silence, and I could see by the look on her face that something wasn't quite right. I know her well. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, and she looked at me in surprise." The thing you're worried about?" she gave me a small smile.
"It's ridiculous." She said, but I shook my head.
"If it causes you to worry, than I am sure it is not ridiculous." I replied.
"Alright, I will tell you." She said, and she took in a deep breath." Father has not mentioned my betrothal for a while now. Of course, I will not be marrying King Joffrey, but I am still old enough to marry, aren't I?" She asked me. I wasn't sure how to respond to that, since our views of marriage aren't nearly the same. I am the one who insists on waiting, and she, apparently, is not willing to wait.
"I was married when I was three years older than you are now. You still have plenty of time Sansa."
"Yes, but that is not all. Is there a man who would want me at all?" She asked, and I looked at her in surprise." I was betrothed to the King. And then, suddenly, I was no longer betrothed to him. And people do not know the story. All they know is that I was discarded by him. In their eyes, I was never good enough for him. And I am left with a permanent mark on me." she said.
"Sansa, people don't think like that. Trust me." I said, trying to reassure her, but not sure if I made any success." Of course, people will talk. People always talk. But not all of them are daft. If they have ever laid their eyes on Joffrey, they will know that it wasn't about you at all. And once they lay their eyes on you, they will no longer question Joffrey's change of mind, believe me." I said. She smiled.
"Thank you." She said, and she looked like she meant it. As smart as she is, she is also very insecure. And I will have to do my best to help her. If I can occasionally work with the children of Winterfell in order to teach them how to read and write, I can also help a girl who is like a sister to me. In a way, she is my sister. Robb's family is my family. My only family.
"I'm always here for you if you need to talk." I said, and she smiled. I heard a noise, and I turned around to see where the racket was coming from. I could hear that it was Arya. Her voice carried, and apparently, she knocked something down." Sansa, if you'll excuse me." I said, and I picked up the skirt of my dress. Not that that will help me with my wobbling. "You're sister will be the death of me." I said as I walked away, and I could hear Sansa laughing. She followed me, as I was shaking my head in disbelief.
I understand, probably better than anyone else, what it's like for Arya to be as misunderstood as she is. I was just the same not that long ago. But I guarantee I was not that restless. Not a day goes by without someone complaining to me about her, or without her causing some sort of problem. And they complain to me more than they complain to Catelyn. For a good reason though. I have less work on my hands that she does, and it is a well-known fact that Arya and I are very close. Apparently, not close enough.
I walked over as fast as I could, given my state, and entered the barn where the racket was coming from. And I was very surprised to see that Arya was not alone. Gendry was here to, but he was not the surprise. Wherever Arya goes, Gendry seems to follow. I was surprised to find Robb here, and both Bran and Rickon, Bran sitting on the haystack, Hodor a bit secluded from the rest of them, ready to carry Bran around if he needs him to. And all of them, apart from Hodor and Rickon, appeared to be in a discussion.
"Why are you yelling, for the love of Gods?" I asked, and they all looked at me in surprise. Sansa stood right by my side." I thought someone was in pain or something. You scared me." I added.
"Well, someone is in pain." Arya said, and I raised my eyebrows." Something is wrong with Sand, but Robb refuses to acknowledge it." She said, glaring at her older brother, who sighed.
"There is nothing wrong with her." He said, knowing what I was about to ask." She's just a little lazy, that's all. She is not ill, you don't have to worry." He said to me. And somehow, that was not enough.
"What do you know Robb, we're with them every day!" Bran said, and I was surprised at how bold he was, talking to Robb like that." Elena, Sand is ill." He said, looking at me with his big, brown eyes.
"No, she is not." Robb argued, and I shook my head. He is the biggest child of them all.
"Well, as far as I know, she is my direwolf, is she not?" I asked, and they all nodded." Where is she?"
"In the back, I moved her from the rest of them." Gendry said, and I nodded, thankful to him for doing that. It doesn't matter if Sand is ill or not, it's best to keep her away until we're sure. I started to walk towards the other part of the barn. I only stopped to send Robb a warning look. He was just about to follow me around, waiting to catch me. He smiled when I warned him. I managed to smile back, glad that he learned by now. After that, I went to my direwolf.
She really looked tired, lying there in the corner of the barn. One hand on Gendry, who followed me, and the other on the wall, I slowly kneeled down next to Sand. And I know how for the love of Gods I plan on getting up. But I will think of that when the time comes. I was now preoccupied with my pet, who really did look sick. I won't get mad at Robb if she turns out to be sick. I'll only hope that he has a better intuition once our child is born.
"Come here Sand." I whispered, and she got up and made my way towards me. She put her paws on my knees, as she couldn't fit in my lap anymore, now that she was big, and now that I'm bigger as well. I may love animals, but I do not know much about them when it comes to their health. And right now I can't really tell if she's ill, or just tired. She did not look very entertained, that is certain. I could see why. I'm not the only one close to her. They all moved to see her, even Hodor carried Bran to us.
Sand started sniffing my belly, and I smiled at her as I scratch the fur on her back. Both she and Gray Wind could somehow sense that I was with child. I do not know why, I do not know how, but they could. They sniffed my stomach, and they were more protective than ever. And as Gray Wind follows me around most of the time, by his master's orders, I could see that he was more protective first hand. Once a servant stopped me to ask me a question, and the wolf started growling at him. Thankfully, he backed down when I told him to do so. Now he's as much as my pet as he is Robb's I suppose.
"What is wrong with you, my beautiful little beast?" I asked Sand, hoping that she might indicate somehow. They do seem to understand what we're telling them, but I did not exactly expect a response.
"Hodor." Hodor said, and he caught my attention. He showed at himself, and then at Sand.
"You think you might now what's wrong with her?" I asked, and he nodded." Please." I said, as he was waiting for my permission. I will never get used to the fact that people who work for us ask my permission for almost everything. I don't like it. I do not own them.
Hodor moved closer to us, and started looking at Sand. She knew him well enough, so she wasn't bothered by him looking at her, and petting her. I can only hope he knows what is wrong with her.
"Hodor." He said. Gods, I wish he could speak more than that. He pointed at Sand's belly, and then he pointed at mine. It didn't take me long to realize what he is gesturing.
"You think she might have pups?" I asked in surprise, and he nodded. I looked to the rest.
"Well, they don't have the same mother." Robb said, and he made me laugh.
"Yes, I suppose this one is not like the Lannisters, is she?" I asked, and they all laughed. But the laughter died soon enough. I suppose they didn't want to make me feel bad. I was the one making the joke, so there is no way that I could get insulted by their laughter. I'd rather joke about it to be honest.
"But who is the father then?" Arya asked, and I shrugged. It could be anyone of those direwolfs. But our answer arrived soon enough. Gray Wind walked over to myself and Sand, and started sniffing her. As I was looking at the two of them, confused, they laid down in the hay, next to each other.
"Gray Wind?" I asked, in surprise. I did not notice our pets having a love affair.
"Well, isn't that symbolic?" Gendry asked. It wasn't difficult to guess what he means by that. Robb's pet and my pet are going to have pups. Robb and I will have a child.
"Fuck off." I said, and I made them all laugh, even Hodor. And even Sansa, who would normally have been shocked by my ability to curse like a sailor in front of everyone and anyone. I joined there laughter. It is symbolic, in a very strange way." Will someone please help me up?" I asked. I was embarrassed to ask for help, but I knew very well that I couldn't get up on my own. That's why Robb and Gendry helped.
"Hodor, could you take care of Sand when the time comes?" Robb asked.
"Hodor" Hodor simply replied. Well, that was it I suppose. Now we will have to wait and see who gives birth first, Sand or me.
As soon as this problem was solved, we all went our separate ways. Robb and I were now walking around, hand in hand. I'm amazed by the fact that I still feel weak in my knees whenever he touches me, even if he is only holding my hand. As amazed as I am, I truly hope that that feeling will never go away.
"What are we supposed to do with the pups?" he asked, and I shrugged.
"How many do they usually have?" I asked him. I don't know that much about direwolfs.
"The litter our direwolfs are from had five of them." he said, and I sighed.
"Well, we won't kill them. If you try to do that, I will not speak to you ever again." I said, and he laughed. I hope he knows I mean it." And I'm not that happy with the idea of releasing them in the wild."
"They would come back, and they would not be well trained. That is not an option." He said, and I nodded." I suppose we will keep them, or at least give them to someone." He said.
"I hope they will not come to close to our child until he grows a little bit. Well, or she." I added.
"They won't, don't worry. And if they are in any way like Sand and Gray Wind, they will be completely harmless." He said, and he gave me a reassuring smile. I appreciated it. I need that smile. I'm weak, what can I say? I need it to keep me going at times. I needed it now.
"Well, we shall see." I said, and he grabbed my head with a little bit more force.
"Soon enough." He said, and I nodded. My difficulties will come to an end. Well, they will culminate, since I am pretty sure that the labor itself is a bit more painful than carrying a child." Do you have a feeling? Whether it will be a boy or a girl?" he asked, and I laughed.
"There is no way for me to know that Robb." I answered with a smile. I only have my hopes. The truth is, I will be happy as long as the baby is healthy and well. But if I do have a say, I would like for a first child to be a son. The heir of the land that is now ruled by his grandfather. That does not mean that I will not love a girl. I will love her just as same. That is, if I get to. My fears didn't leave me alone, not for one moment. I'm afraid that I won't live long enough to see if another first born Stark is a boy.
"Then we should think of names for both." Robb said. As much as my heart melted at his suggestion, that was something I was trying to avoid. I did not want to get to emotionaly attached to the child in me. As it is a part of me, attachment was inevitable. As was my love for the unborn child. But I did not want to name it just yet. I don't want to start creating memories, and then have them all erased for good.
"Let us wait until it is born." I said, and Robb looked at me in surprise.
"You're starting to worry me." he said, and I looked away from his eyes. He had the power of making me confess my deepest thoughts to him by just one look. I was hoping he wouldn't notice this." Elena, why do I feel like you're not happy and content?" he asked. I turned to him.
"Of course I'm happy." I said fast, killing his suspicion." I am beyond than happy Robb. It is just… I never got a chance to meet my mother. She never got a chance to hold me in her arms. And I can't help it… I'm afraid the same will happen with me and our child." I admitted in a whisper.
"Nothing will happen Elena." He said. He is just trying to make me feel better.
"You can't know that." I replied, still standing my ground.
"Yes, I can. You will not die Elena. And neither will our child." He said, and I finally found the courage to look him in the eyes. He truly believed every word he said." You will both be fine, and we will watch him or her grow up with ten of its siblings and have children of their own."
"Are you suggesting that I will give birth to eleven children?" I asked.
"Well, if you'd like to." He said, with an innocent grin on his face. At least he made me laugh.
"I have a feeling that eleven is a bit too much." I said, and he laughed. He put his arm around my shoulders, and we started walking again, this time talking about less serious topics. Yes, he made me laugh, but he did not make me forged. I was still very much scared.