"Arya, don't drop him." Sansa said to her sister and I bit my lip. I didn't want to hurt Arya's feelings by laughing out loud. She just glared at her sister and picked Rickard out of the cradle he was in.

I was watching carefully, even though I was very much sure that Arya will not drop her nephew.

It might be just my imagination, but it seems to me that Rickard is always held by someone. Mostly by myself or Robb, but ever since he was born, the whole family comes into out chambers several times a day, just to see if I need something, and just to have a quick look at Rickard. I wasn't bothered at all. I may have been a child myself when Tommen was born, but I remember just how fascinated I was.

It's been almost a month since I've given birth to him. And all is going well. He is a big, healthy boy. He did not have any of the Lannister features, and I was happy about that. Well, blue eyes are common for both the Tully's and the Lannister's. I just wasn't that lucky. But Rickard looked more like Robb. And he was a very calm baby. He didn't cry too much, and when he did, he would only wake up me and Robb, and not the whole of Winterfell. I may have spoken too soon, but all is well.

Sooner than I would like, the whole Kingdom found out about the newly born heir of Winterfell. And this time around, we didn't even bother reading the letter from my father. I threw it into the fire, and Robb didn't try to stop me from doing it. There was no use. That man has been lying to me my whole life, and I do not wish to allow him to lie to me some more. I know he isn't happy and delighted to hear of the birth our son. He is happy and delighted that there is no war. After all this time, he still believes that I am here because he told me to do so. He will never understand. Yes, my marriage to Robb might have been his decision, but I am not here to keep control of the Stark's. I arrived here because I had to do what I have promised. And I am still here because I love them. Every single one of them. No, it's more than that. I am one of them. They are my family. And Tywin Lannister will be sorry. For everything.

"Elena, he is adorable." Arya told me with a big smile, like I was the one to thank because of that. I was just smiling, because Rickard just managed to wake up the femininity in Arya. She can act like a boy as much as she likes, she is still going to swoon over babies and puppies. And I know how that feels.

"I can see a little bit of you in him." I said, and Arya grinned at me." Both of you actually. I can only hope that he doesn't grow up to be a little troublemaker like you are." I said, and Arya was now glaring at me.

"Mother said that you have been refusing help from the wet nurses." Sansa said.

"Why should they help me if I can manage it myself?" I asked, and both Sansa and Arya laughed. I have seen firsthand how Cersei took care of her children. And I am most definitely not going to do the same. I will breastfeed him myself, change him, bath him and lull him myself. I am more a mother than I am a lady. Besides, Catelyn is still the Lady of Winterfell. My only obligation now is my son.

"I can't wait to see how Jon will react to him." Arya said.

"Did he send a word?" I asked. These days, I was barely leaving the chambers. Either I'm tired, or I have to take care of Rickard. And Robb fills me in on everything, since he's not stuck in here like I am.

"Yes. He said he will arrive here sooner than he planned now that his nephew is born." Sansa said, without even looking at me. Rickard had all of her attention.

So, Jon is coming back to Winterfell. I am more than happy that he's returning to Winterfell for good. I can't help but wonder if he's bringing his red head lover with him. Jon's been through a lot, and he deserves to be happy. He will be happier here with us than he ever could be at the Wall. And we will need his help, once the fight starts.

It felt so closer now than it did before. We said that we will wait until Rickard was born. We still have to wait, he is just a newborn child. But I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones. It is going to start, and it is not going to be easy. I wonder if we'll make it out alive. I'm no idiot. There will be plenty of dead, I know that. But I am worried about the ones closest to me. This family, who accepted me with arms open wide, Gendry, Tyrion… And even if I would hate to admit it, a small part of me is also worried about Jaime.

He will be on the battlefield. My long lost brother against my husband. After all that has happened, I still feel overwhelming guilt knowing that I will take my side proudly. It will not be easy, but I will do it. Even if I drown in my own guilt afterwards.

I can't think about that now. I can't. If I start now, I will be mad by the time it actually starts. And I need to be in my right mind for that. For now, I will ignore it as long as I can. As long as I'm allowed to.

"It will be good to have Jon back." I said, still thinking about whether or not he will bring his girl with him. That would be a big surprise for everyone, apart from me. I'm the only one he told.

"Elena, can I ask you something?" Sansa asked. I notice she was very unsure about asking me.

"Of course." I said, and I looked at her as she was struggling to find the right words.
"What are you going to do? Are you planning… something?" She asked in a low voice. By something she meant a war, I am sure of that. And I don't know what I should say to her.

'We are not sure." I admitted. I didn't want to lie to her. And I do not consider her stupid. If I decided to pretend that everything is alright, she would have known. As would Arya, who was listening to every my every word." Something is bound to happen. I am not sure what or when." I said.

Truth always is a better solution. I do not lie unless that is absolutely needed. It wasn't needed now.

Without commenting on my response, both Arya and Sansa soon left me alone with Rickard. He was calm in his cradle, and I did not want to change that, so I let him be. I took one book from the desk, and gave her some well-deserved attention. I can't remember the last time I did nothing, and just stayed in my room and read. I had a job now, with or without Rickard. That was just the way of life.

I didn't even realize how much I had grown. Not just since I married Robb. I started growing even before that. The change happened probably as soon as I made that promise to Catelyn in the courtyard. Even then I knew which side I will take. It just so happens that my side also became my family.

From a young girl with ideals who craved for love and who broke the rules for her friendship, I had become a completely different person. I love the family that I married into, with all my heart. I still care for Gendry like I did all those years ago. And I love my husband more than words can say. I have found someone who completes me, who taught me the meaning of true happiness. And now, I am a mother. My son is my whole life. There is no price I wouldn't pay for him.

I might have a lot to lose, but that only means I have something worth fighting for.

I didn't lose myself in the book completely. Every now and then, I would look over Rickard, until he fell asleep. When Robb walked into the chambers, I put a finger to my lips, and he nodded, understanding what I suggested. He sat on the edge of the bed, and grabbed my hand.

"We have to talk." He said, and I nodded." Traditions says that we should have a proper feast to celebrate the birth of our son." He whispered. I let out a sigh. That was something I wanted to avoid. I do not want to put out son in the center of attention. These are dark times, and doing that doesn't exactly seem like a smart idea. But it is tradition, and it is expected from us to honor it.

"If we must." I said, not trying to hide the fact that I'm not thrilled with that. Robb should know it.

"Don't worry. It will be mostly about the two of us. We will only bring him down during the day, and he will spend the rest of it in the chambers, safe and sound, possibly with Elisa." He said. It made me feel better, reassured. If I can trust anyone, that is Elisa. Even if she doesn't exactly have plenty of experience with children. Still, that is better than having Rickard with us the whole time.

"That is exactly what I want. All the attention on the two of us when I look this hideous." I said, and it made Robb laugh. He's been trying to convince me that I don't look bad at all, but I wasn't exactly buying it. I'm tired, or exhausted to be precise, I still can't fit in most of my dresses, and I feel like the life has been drained out of me. No, no matter what he says, I'm sure that I look pretty bad now.

"You're beautiful to me." he said, and he kissed me. He was the one who pulled away. I was not yet ready, and he knew that. It is killing me. I want him as much as I wanted him before, but now is not the time. I may be in pain, and I feel like a dirt old cloth. He knows it, and he isn't pushing me. But that only makes me feel even worse. The stupid, probably irrational fear that he will seek a whore to fulfill his desires started to bother me. It bothered me as soon as I realize that I will need some time to heal, both physically and emotionally. And as much as I wanted to rush myself, I couldn't. In all honesty, I don't know how I'm keeping it together right now. I honestly don't know.

…

Trying hard to ignore the feeling of discomfort, I managed to smile. The whole of Winterfell was passing in front of me, congratulating both me and Robb, leaving gifts and wishing to see the baby I held tightly in my arms. It was a surprise for me that this is common even for a regular Lord. Remembering how Cersei showed of Tommen the same way I'm doing now with Rickard made me feel sick to my stomach.

But I had to keep it up. Looking better than I did in the past few weeks, squeezed into a dark blue dress, I was forcing a smile ever since it begun. The winter worked for my favor now. I had an excuse to be covered up in a warm coat.

My female insecurities bothered me. They reached their peak as soon as I saw Ros, the object of Theon's affection in the corner of the room. As she is a whore, it would have been considered an insult for her to approach us and give us her congratulations. Even in Winterfell, where the rules weren't as strict as they are in King's Landing, some rules were strictly followed.

It seemed like hours passed until Robb finally suggested that we should take Rickard to the chambers. I did it myself, followed by Elisa. She promised me, a thousand times at least, that she will find either me or Catelyn if she needs anything. It took all of my strength to turn around and return to the hall.

At least I was with Robb. Of course, with the rest of the family too, but I got to hold his hand. As always, that was the silent support I was desperate for. And he was there to give it to me.

It would have been a lot easier if I could drink. But I decided not to, since I was feeding Rickard myself.

Robb, on the other hand, enjoyed himself very much. I would have been fine with that if I wasn't scared beyond belief that he will end up in the brothel.

"Elena?" he asked, and instantly brought me back to reality. I was drowning in my insecurities, picking the food on my plate. No wonder he noticed something wasn't right." What is it with you?" he asked, and I frowned. Well, nice word choice Stark." You're not yourself at all these days." He said.

"Well, excuse me my lord." I said and ignored the fact that he was taken aback by my response." That tends to happen when you give birth to a child. I am moody, and you are not helping me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go to the chambers. I believe I was here more than enough. Feel free to sleep with the whores tonight." I said, got up, and walked away without giving him a chance to try and say something to stop me. My departure wasn't unnoticed. Almost everyone was looking at me as I stormed off. It was bad enough that the whole family saw it. Tomorrow morning the whole of Winterfell will talk about my marriage troubles. Which I may have made up myself. As I was walking through the castle corridors, I realized that my reaction was too explosive. I shouldn't have done that. But now it's too late to fix anything. I just want to get out of this stupid dress, see that my son is well, and go to sleep.

"Elena! You scared me!" Elisa exclaimed when we almost ran into each other in the hallway. She was holding Rickard in her arms.

"Is everything alright?" I asked, immediately thinking of the worst possible problems that may have occurred while I was downstairs, pretending to enjoy myself.

"Yes." She said with a big smile on her face. I let out a sigh of relief." You shouldn't worry so much Elena. I was just going to your, well, official chambers." She said, and I frowned.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because you need some rest." She said, and I sighed once again. I wanted to fight her about it, but she was right. I would appreciate some rest. And if she believes that she can handle Rickard for one night, I should let her do so." And you and Robb should have some time for yourself. I imagine that it gets difficult to be a married couple when you share your chambers with your newborn child." She said. It only made me wonder how many people noticed that Robb and I didn't get along as much as we did. No, we did get along, but both of us were far more jumpy and on edge than we ever were.

"You're right." I admitted, and I smiled at her." But I believe he will be with… with Ros I suppose."

"Elena, don't talk like that. You know very well that that will never happen." The smile on her face showed that she believes in what she said. I wish I had the confidence to do that too." And even if the two of you are having a… lovers quarrel, you do need some rest. Rickard and I will be perfectly fine, and you will see so yourself when you wake up."

There was no use. She will not give up. And I did acknowledge that she has a point. I might as well learn how to sleep without my child in the same room. At some point, Robb and I will need our privacy again. That is, of course, if he doesn't prefer Ros. Gods, I need to get her out of my head for good!

"You're right. If you need anything, if something happens, wake me up. Do you understand?" I asked.

"Yes." She said with a grin." Say goodnight to mommy, my little lord." She said to Rickard, and I started laughing. I kissed him on the head, and I let them walk away.

I walked into the chambers, and I laughed straight away. Elisa had a plan. All of the candles were lit up. It was incredibly romantic. It would have been even more romantic if I hadn't just told my husband to go to a whore. Well, everyone makes mistakes.

As soon as I untied my dress, I started tearing it off. I just wanted to be out of it. Not only did it feel tight, but it represented everything I detested. I felt like I was being shown off. And even though I know that that was not the case, it still felt like it.

It is not Robb's fault. It isn't anyone's fault, it is just a stupid tradition. I shouldn't have acted like that. He deserves better. But I was irritated, and my insecurities got the best of me before I could control them. It is not easy knowing that you are not good enough. Especially if you're not good enough for someone who deserves the best.

I was surprised when the door opened. And even if I was not expecting him, I knew it was him. He didn't say a word, and yet, I knew him, just by the sound of his footsteps and the way he closed the door. I didn't look in his direction. I didn't even cover myself up. I just sat there, naked, on the edge of the bed, pretending like I didn't just hear him walk in.

There was something in the air. Even if I didn't acknowledge his presence by saying something to him, or even looking at him, my attitude changed. I straightened my back, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. That is how he still influences me, without even trying.

He was mad. I was sorry. This is not going to be a good night.

"He's with Elisa." I said, once I realized he was walking over to the cradle. He didn't say a word, but just walked back out of my sight. I was surprised when I felt his touch. I thought that he will ignore me completely. That is why I was surprised when he hugged me. He hugged me, and he kissed the back of my head. This man is incredible. And very forgiving. I should have known better.

"I am always here for you Elena." He whispered." I was just worried, because I had no idea what was going on in that mind of yours. It's easier now that I know. You are beautiful to me Elena. Always. Even when you look tired and lifeless, you still cause my erratic heartbeat." He whispered, and I smiled. How did I deserve such an amazing man?" And for the record, there is no whore in the world that can do what you do to me. I firmly believe in it, and I will never even try to question it. I love you, you crazy, moody woman. And even when you're crazy and moody, I know very well that I couldn't have done any better." He said.

"Wasn't it "I could have done a lot worse"?" I whispered.

"It's the same. Only this one suits you better." He said, and he kissed my shoulder. I was gone. Completely erased. There is no pain in the world that can keep me away from him now.

Hope you liked it :) And you know the drill, next chapter is up in a day or two :)