The shouts still echoed in my ears as I was walking through the castle corridors.
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I silently closed the door behind me. I looked around, waiting for one of the guards to see me, scold me, and make me walk back into my chambers. And no one was there.
Smiling, I made my way through the corridors. I've been doing this for years. In no way am I a beginner.
As confident as I was, I was still scared. If someone sees me, in my cloak, with the hood over my head, they might think that I'm an intruder. I hope that King Robert picked his knights wisely, and that they speak before they attack. I prefer to explain myself to the King and Cersei than to be dead. It would be a very awkward conversation, but at least I would be breathing.
Even though I was scared, I did it. I had to. My father says that I'm a Lannister, even though I try hard not to be one. He doesn't love me, I know that. He can pretend very well, but when he looks at me, he doesn't see his loving daughter, he sees the monster who killed the love of his life. And even though he hates me, with every fiber of his being, he acknowledges my bravery. To be honest, that is the only thing about me that he notices, and maybe even admires. "You may be incredibly difficult, but you are brave. Possible too brave for your own good, but still, it's better to be a brave Lannister than a coward." He told me once. Well, if I die tonight, I sure hope he thinks that I was brave.
I felt more confident once I was outside of the castle walls. It's always easier to walk out than to walk in. But I will think about that when I'm one my way back.
The road I walked on, I knew very well. I've been walking that road for years, day and night, sneaking out to see the only person I know that looks at me and sees a normal girl of 14 years. Gendry means more to me than anyone. He's my family, not the people who are my blood.
Although, I do love Jaime and Tyrion with all my heart. Tyrion was always the one who could make me laugh, no matter the situation, and there is nothing that I wouldn't do for him. And Jaime is the big brother of the family. He always keeps me safe, no matter the situation, no matter how annoyed I am by it. The two of them don't give a damn about the hatred that Cersei and father have for me.
But Gendry is different. I never was a Lannister to him. I was just Elena. Just a friend. A pushy and annoying friend, but a friend.
There were many things I didn't like about myself, and one of them was the fact that I was short. Tyrion would tease me whenever I complained, saying that I got a much better deal than he did. He was right, but I was still annoyed by the fact that I couldn't reach anything if I didn't jump. I couldn't reach the books on the high shelves, and I could not reach Gendry's window. He made me feel better by saying that I will grow soon enough, just like he did, but it didn't help. Since he knew all too well how annoyed I was with my shortness, he kept a bucked near his window, so that I could climb up and actually reach the window, instead of jumping up and down like a fool.
The bucket was there. With a smile on my face, I pulled it to the window, and I carefully climbed on it.
Luckily, the candles were lit in the small room he slept in, so I didn't have to wake him up. I could see him sitting in a corner, reading one of the books I gave him. Ignoring the sudden wave of pride that hit me when I saw him reading, I started waving my hands. Maybe I still look like a fool, even though I'm not jumping up and down. It didn't take long for him to see me. When he saw me, waving and grinning at him, he grinned back, and at once dropped his book to the ground.
I got of the bucket, knowing what he was about to do next. As he was climbing out of the window, I realized that I wasn't the only one who would be in trouble if we get caught somehow. I would be punished, but Gendry would get the worse deal out of the two of us. The blacksmith he works for is an idiot, a sadistic idiot, and no matter what I do or say, Gendry still doesn't want to leave him.
"Who knows where I would end up, and I don't want to leave you." He would say, and I wouldn't try to convince him anymore, realizing that I am incredibly selfish and that I still want him by my side.
We didn't say a word to each other. We didn't want to make it easy for anyone to hear or see us, so we just started walking to our spot. Our spot was the beach. The part of the beach that is secluded, and that was our secret spot for years now. Not once did anyone see us there, and I hope it stays that way.
We didn't say a word until we were sitting on the sand, listening to the sound of the waves clashing on the nearby cliffs. That is a sound that could never bother me. I loved hearing it in the distance the moment I open my eyes, and I love hearing it while I'm trying to fall asleep. If I ever move away from the sea, I will miss it more than anything.
"Why do you have that worried look on your face?" Gendry asked, and I raised my eyebrows." Oh no. Lena, you worry too much." He said.
"I do not. I do not worry about anything." I argued, even though I wasn't sure if I was right about it.
"Yes, you do. You worry too much about everything. About yourself, about your brothers, about me, about the weather, about the fish in the see, about the boars in the woods, about the clouds in the sky. You worry about everything." He said. I would have argued once again, but in that case, the argument would last the whole night. And I want to talk, not to fight.
"Never mind. I'm not worried. It's just… well, I'm sure you saw the whole thing today." I said.
"You mean the whole greeting of your Lord Father?" he asked, ironically, and I nodded. The whole King's Landing was talking about the arrival of the Lord of House Lannister, the richest man in the whole Seven Kingdoms, the once and probably the future Hand of the King. Or, as I know him, daddy.
"You know, I'm glad that he doesn't love me. I truly am. When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than for him to love me like he loved Cersei. And now… Well, I'm not exactly old, but I see things better now. And I know stuff. If he had loved me, I would have ended up like Cersei, maybe even worse. As much as I would love to have my mother by my side, to get a chance to know the woman who gave birth to me, and died right after, I think that it's a good thing that that never happened. Perhaps I would have been even worse than Cersei, since I would be the youngest, cutest, and the most loved one. But since father hates me with all his heart, I'm not a spoiled brat. He hates me and Tyrion and we are so much different than Cersei and Jaime. I never thought I would have said this, but it's a good thing he hates me." I said.
"Lena, you know how I see it." he said, and I rolled my eyes. Gendry was the bigger dreamer out of the two of us. He was the one who thinks that every parent loves his child. Which is incredibly ironic, since he was the bastard, and I was the one who had everything." I never met my father, I lost my mother just like you did, and even though I think your father doesn't exactly hate you, I would never trade places with you." He said with a smile. I laughed, since he never fails to mention it.
"I know that all too well. I don't want to talk about my father anymore, it's bad enough that I have to see him now. Tell me, what did you do today? And do you like the book you were reading?" I asked.
We talked, and talked, and talked, and just when I thought it might be time for me to return to the castle, we decided to talk some more.
Gendry was the one who decided we should go. If he didn't, we might just have ended up talking until the sun rises. And that would not be good. He needs to work tomorrow, and I have to prepare for my part.
That was the only think I could think of as I was making my way back to the castle. The part I played. Ever since I was a little girl, I was pretending to be someone else. Someone would say that was a job that I had to have, considering the family I was born into, and the family I live with. Others would say that that is a method of keeping yourself safe. If no one knows the real you, they can't hurt you.
I used to think I shared the second opinion, but I don't know anymore. After so much faking and pretending, there is time when I wonder do I even know myself? I may recognize the reflection in the mirror, but do I know the rest of me? My feelings and thoughts? Because the reflection never mattered. The only thing that matters is what's underneath it, and I'm not sure if I know what's there anymore.
I was so deep in my own thoughts that I didn't even pay attention on where I was going, or if anyone could see me. I had more luck than I had brains. Once again, I made it there and back again, without anyone noticing me. Gods, if I could sneak in and out, and I'm just a girl, a paid assassin could kill us all in our sleep! I should say something to the King… but, then, I won't get a chance to sneak out in the night, and go and see Gendry. Well, I'll risk it. No one is stupid enough to try and kill the King and his family.
I was smiling as I was walking to the doors of my chambers. I still had a smile on my face when I walked in, but I had to contain a scream once I saw that someone was there. It was Elisa.
Relief took the place of fear once I realized it's her. If someone else was here, any member of my family, I would have been in big, big trouble. I'm not sure that even Tyrion would be quiet about it if he caught me sneaking out of the castle in the dead of night. And Elisa? Well, I could work with her.
"Elisa, you scared the life out of me." I whispered as I was trying to catch my breath.
"Good. Now you know how I felt when I came in her to wish you good night and realized that you aren't even here!" she said. Oh, she would have yelled at me if it wasn't this late. She kept her voice down, not wishing to wake up the entire castle, but her tone made it clear to me that she was really, really angry.
I wasn't used to being scolded by my hand maiden. She is older than me, but just for a few years. She was my friend, and now, it seems as she took the place of my mother, or my older sister, at least.
"I was just out for a stroll." I said, hoping that I was good at lying now, as I was my whole life.
"A stroll that lasted half the night?" She asked. Well, I may be a good liar, but Gods know how long she's been in here. She wasn't easily fooled." It's that boy again, isn't it?" she asked. It's in times like these that I wish I never told her about Gendy in the first place.
"Yes. He's my friend Elisa, and I don't have too many friends." I said.
"My Lady, if someone catches you, they will think that the two of you are secret lovers, and not friends. I know that you care for the boy, and that you are friends with him, but you need to be careful." She said.
"And I am. We both are." I said.
"Oh, and what if your sister came to see her tonight?" she asked.
"Cersei would never come and talk to me in the middle of the night." I said.
"It doesn't matter, it's still dangerous." Elisa said.
"Elisa, do you see me as a Lady you work for, or as a friend?" I asked her.
"That is a trick question." She said, and I smiled. She was right." I work for you, and to me, you are M' Lady, but I do see you as a friend." She said.
"And you are my friend. Not just a hand maiden, you are my friend, who has been by my side ever since I could walk and talk. And I'm talking to a friend now, not to someone who's in charge of me. My hand maiden would have scolded me, and expressed her worries, but my friend would support me, no matter what." I said.
"I would be worried for M' Lady, but I would be worried even more for a friend." She whispered.
"Oh, you're good." I said with a smile, and she started laughing." You shouldn't worry so much about everything Elisa." I said, ignoring the fact that I was giving her the exact same advice Gendry gave me not so long ago. I walked over to her, and I put my hand around her shoulders." It will all be fine. I'm fast and capable, I'm good at sneaking around, and I'm incredibly lucky." I said.
"I suppose you are right." She said, and I smiled." Now, I suggest you go to sleep M' Lady. Your father would expect you to eat with him tomorrow morning, and you've already lost hours of sleep." She said, and I rolled my eyes. Soon enough, I will be pretending again. Oh, the joy." And do be careful M' Lady. Whenever you sneak out. You have and act to play. You have to be a proper Lady." She said. And that is why Elisa is my friend. She knows me. She knows I'm not a proper little Lady. She knows I'm only pretending to be a proper little lady.
"Well, at least I don't have to be a Queen, do I?" I asked, a big smile on my face. We both laughed.
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"… at least I don't have to be a Queen, do I?"
I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout, I wanted to refuse, I wanted to decline, I wanted to run, run, and never look back. And I couldn't. My honor binds me here, and the love I have for my family binds me here.
And it is because of that honor and love that I am Queen now.
Elena Stark, born Elena Lannister, Queen in the North. The Lady part gave me chills, I can't even think about the Queen part.
This is everything I never wanted, mixed with everything I ever wanted.
I have a family I love. I have an amazing husband, and we have a beautiful, strong little boy. I have sisters I wish I had while I was growing up. I had brothers. I had friends. I had a family. And I'm a Queen.
I never wanted this. And even though I know that my family didn't want it either, it doesn't help me. It doesn't help me at all. None of us wished for this to happen, and yet, here we are, Robb and I, King and Queen in the North, succeeding Eddard and Catelyn, who are still Lord and Lady of Winterfell, and our son, the Prince, the future King. Now, I wanted to cry.
What worried me the most was that I had never seen this coming. How could I have been so stupid? How did I not realize that this will happen? It isn't exactly a logical step forward, but it shouldn't be a surprise either. And here I am, surprised, shocked, and more than anything, scared.
I couldn't be in charge of a castle, let alone the whole North! And Robb! He's as young and as inexperienced as I am! I was afraid that I will lose him when this ends, but now I can almost be certain that I will lose him.
Not only are we starting a war, but we're declaring an independent Kingdom.
We are dead. We are dead people walking. Our time is coming to an end, faster than it did before.
I thought about how my father will react. He sent me up here in hopes of keeping the North under his control. I thought about his reaction when he hears that we're starting a war. And I do not dare and imagine his reaction when he hears that we've declared North as an independent Kingdom.
That is how I know that my time is coming to an end. He didn't kill me when I killed the love of his life, but he will kill me now. I know it. And he will probably do it in the worst way possible.
We're all dead. My whole family, my son, my husband… Rickard. Robb. Everyone.
I was walking in silence and I was shaking. Robb didn't say a word to me since we've left the hall. He is probably as frightened as I am.
I walked into the chambers, and Elisa jumped up from the chair she was sitting in.
"My Lord, My Lady." She said, and she walked out of the chambers, but not before I could share a look with her. I could see it clearly, and so could she. She didn't call us Your Grace, but she heard the shouts. She knows.
Even now, my biggest worry is my son. I walked over to his cradle, and I touched his face. His fever was down, and he was sound asleep, too young to know what just happened with his family, and to innocent to pay for someone else's sins.
"I'll be with him tonight, if that's alright." I whispered, and Robb didn't hide his surprise considering my suggestion." I'm worried about him. And I don't want you to get ill, since you'll be riding out as soon as Tyrion has the time to write a damn letter." I said. He raised his eyebrows. He knows me." Yes, I do need some time to think." I added, knowing what he suspected.
"I love you, Elena." He said in a low voice." I hope you know that."
"I do." I said, a weak smile on my face." And I love you too. Always." I said. I wanted to kiss him, to be close to him, but not tonight. I carefully raised Rickard out of the cradle, and I went to his chambers, the ones that were still mine by definition.
I closed the door behind me, and I slowly walked to the other chambers. I put Rickard in his other crib.
"My sweet boy. I hope you don't pay our depts." I whispered. Once I tucked him in, I started crying. I started crying and it wasn't long before I was on the floor.
I felt like I was going to drown in my tears.
I never really left the sea. I might not hear the waves every night, but I can taste the salty water. Sadly, I taste my tears, and not the salty water of the seemingly never ending blue paradise.
It doesn't matter where I go, my devils follow me. And they remind me of everything, as soon as I believe, just for a second, that I am happy.
"There is nothing more difficult than being a Queen." I remembered Cersei saying. And for once, I could see what my sister meant. For once, we agreed on something.
Writing sprint! Woo-Hoo! Hope you liked it. I'm going to experiment a little more with the flash back scenes. I think it's a good thing to see what Elena was before the whole thing begun. Well, it's not like we don't know her already, but I'm going to try and explain a bit more the relationships with her family members, the relationships in her past. And I might change the POV's a few times, once again. Anyway, I hope you liked it. If you do, tell me. And if you think the whole story sucks, and that I suck as a writer, tell me that too :D.