I never found war easy. Surely, it never was. Not for those who fight it, not for those that are left behind for their own good. But I could never have imagined how difficult it will be to ride a horse for days.
Seven Hells, was it difficult. We were taking our time, we weren't even in a rush and yet, I was very close to giving up and heading back to Winterfell. The only reason I didn't do it is because I would need to get there by horse.
Despite my lessons when I was a child, I never did have a stature of a lady. Most certainly not one of a queen. These days, I was desperately trying to straighten my back while trying not to show any signs of pain or discomfort. The last thing I would want was for Robb to question the decision we both made.
By all accounts, my respect in Robb's army was growing more and more each day.
"Are you alright?" Robb asked, and it took all the strength I had left not to roll my eyes. It's different when we're alone, when I can tease him, share little jokes with him, and another when we are surrounded by his men.
"Yes, I am." I told him. And if you ask me one more time, I swear, I will hit you.
"We will be stopping soon enough." He reassured me. Now, I had a problem with this one. Yes, it was not easy, and no, I did not enjoy it one bit, but I did not complain. I did not say a single word to draw attention to the obvious fact that I would rather be anywhere else than here, on this horse. In all honesty, I would rather be back in Kings Landing than right here, at this moment. But I did not say it. I did not complain, I did not draw attention to myself and I most certainly did not show my discomfort.
"Robb, if it is not planned, than we are not stopping." I said. He knows me well enough, and I could see it in his face when he turned to look at me. I will not allow him to portray me as a weak girl. Even if his intentions are for my best interest.
He did not respond. There was no anger in his eyes, only worry. He knows that I am not enjoying this.
"Not difficult, are you Your Grace?" Lord Umber asked. I could barely stop myself from laughing. Hell, I could barely stop myself from smiling.
"Not at all Lord Umber." I said. Now, I could hear quiet laughter. And I am glad I did. This journey is exhausting, both physically and emotionally. If my companions need to laugh at me to make this whole thing seem a little bit easier, then so be it. I will do my best to be a constant source of comic relief.
"It will be time to stop soon enough." Robb said.
"Well, then we ride until it is." I responded, and straightened my back even more.
"That's my sister." Tyrion said, and I turned to smile at him. As horrible as it is, at least we are not doing this alone. My closest family and friends are right by my side. If only my son was too.
Words can't describe how bad I felt for leaving Rickard behind. It was wrong in so many ways, and yet, it was the best decision I could have made. There is a reason children don't go to war.
And I will probably find out soon enough that there is a reason why women mostly don't go to war too. As if I needed a reminder that Robb would do this differently had he had an option.
We rode for another hour before I could see tents being set up in front of us. And again, I was careful not to let relief be shown on my face. Before I could make a move towards our tent, Robb was in front of me.
"We have a council meeting. Do you wish to attend?" He asked, and I laughed.
"Hell no." I said, and he smiled." I do believe you can manage without me. Take your time. I have Gendry to keep me company." I said. Before I could stop myself from doing so, I caressed his face. I have reached the point of not giving a damn who could see as and what would they think. I love my husband and I miss having him for myself. Almost all the time, someone is with us. I believe I am allowed to crave those moments when it is just the two of us, talking nonsense, laughing about the future, not being worried about the war ahead of us. If I cannot have it, I'll at least wish for it.
"I'll be back before you know it." he assured me, and I nodded, knowing that he will be in the meeting for hours. I smiled, and turned around. The last thing he needs is for me to make him feel bad. After all, he's doing nothing wrong. He's just doing what needs to be done.
I made my way towards our tent, with Gendry following me. One of the girls that are serving as my maids was already in the tent, probably preparing my bath.
"Leave us please, Sophia." I said, and with a nod, she was gone. I had to make an effort to be good to the maids. Of course, there is no reason for me to act any other way, but to me, they were just a reminder that they are not Elisa. And as soon as I start missing Elisa, I start missing my friend, and not just my hand maiden. And as soon as I start missing my friend, I remember that she is safe in Winterfell, looking after my boy. It all just ends with me missing my son.
"Do you regret it now?" Gendry asked, and I turned to look at him.
"Do I regret what?" I asked. There are honestly too many things that he thinks I could possibly regret.
"Wanting to be one of the boys?" He asked with a smile on my face. I love the man, but Gods do I wish I get a break from him. He has unofficially been appointed as my unofficial guard, which means that Robb asks him every day to look after me. Despite the fact that I can defend myself if needed, I went along with it. I know it brings Robb peace to know that I am protected. And I could have ended up with much worse company than my childhood friend.
"Not at all." I told him." As bad as it is, I believe it's still better than being Cersei."
"Good point." He agreed.
"Gendry, would you please stop looking for a paid murderer, and just sit down?" I asked when he didn't stop looking around the tent. He must have thought I wouldn't notice it, since he gave me the guilty look as he finally decided to sit down in one of the chairs.
"How are you handling this?" He asked me, and I rolled my eyes. With him, I didn't need to restrain.
"I swear, if one more person asks me that, I will lose it." I said. I knew that Gendry isn't the source of everything wrong in my life. But my anger was already directed toward him before I could stop myself." I am not having the time of my life, that is for sure. My son is at home, which is a very long way from here. He is both without me and his father. And by the looks of it, he might never see either of us ever again. So I am sorry if I am not my best self at all times, but I do try." I almost yelled.
"See, this?" he said and pointed at me. " This is exactly why I'm worried about you. You keep it all in, and gods help the one that is in your company when you finally explode with emotions."
"With emotions? And here I thought I explode with pure rage."
"That's in there too." he agreed and I rolled my eyes once again." Elena, we all know you, and we know you well. You can't really blame us for carefully awaiting for you to lose it."
"Well, you may as well sleep peacefully, because that is not going to happen." I announced. And I mean it. This is probably the only moment in my entire life in which I have a complete control of my reactions and emotions, both wanted and unwanted." I thought about this long and hard. A lot longer and a lot harder than you could imagine. I've made my choices, and I will stick to them, even if they turn out to be the end of me. Believe it or not Gendry, but I know what I am doing."
"I know you know it. I'm just afraid how it will affect you." He said. I had to remind myself that he means well and that I absolutely shouldn't yell at him right now.
"Let me put it this way. What I feel will in no way affect this journey, this war, or the outcome of this whole crazy situation. Now Gendry, you know I love you with all my heart, but I need some piece. Would you mind calling it a night?" I asked, hoping that he believes that no one is hiding under the sheets waiting for me to be alone so that they could slash my throat.
"Good idea. You need some rest." He said. He kissed me on the forehead before he left the tent.
I was so tired that I didn't even bother taking off my clothes, let alone taking a bath. Sleep is the only thing I need, and probably the only thing that could help me.
27 steps. Exactly 27 steps is the distance between my chambers and the stairs. Then, there is 39 stairs. If I was only a little bit clumsier than I already am, these stairs would bring my sister great joy. But unluckily for her, I did have a touch of gracefulness in myself.
Today was a big day. Oh no, not like any other day. Today is the day my dear father arrives to King's Landing. And I could not be happier.
"You're late." My sister hissed when I took my place by her side. It was the same as always. The King, Joffrey, Cersei, myself, or Myrcella and Tommen if they were with us, Jaime and Tyrion. But today, Myrcella and Tommen were Gods know where, and I was standing right next to my lovely sister.
"I apologize your Grace, but it was a choice between arriving on time and looking presentable." I whispered. I could hear laughter coming from the king and my brothers. I always had a sharp tongue. But so did Cersei.
"You have failed to do both, I see." She said. Nice one. It really was.
"I am positive that ones whose opinions matter do not agree with you, Your Grace." I replayed. Yes, she was good, but I was definitely better. And I did look presentable. Elisa insisted on braiding my long, dark hair, and I allowed her to do so. I even allowed here to put me in a ridiculous lilac dress. It was ridiculous to me, but I suppose that it was a nice dress to those who know their dresses.
"Will you two stop acting like two cats in a bag?" I heard the King's voice roar, and I decided that now was the perfect time for me to shut my mouth. "I swear, the girl is more mature than you are." He told Cersei, and I allowed myself a small smirk. He never fails to mention that he prefers me to my sister. That is hilarious, but at the same time, very unsettling. I choose to ignore it most days.
"My apologies Your Grace." I said in a low voice.
"Point proven." I heard Tyrion and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. No matter how bad it gets, I always have Tyrion. If he wasn't by my side in this whole mess, I would probably be dead by now. Either Cersei would have found a way, or I would have done it myself.
No, Cersei wouldn't do that. I may be closer with Tyrion, but he is not the only brother who cares for me. Jaime would never forgive her. And there is nothing that would upset Cersei more than losing our brother's respect and love. I suppose I should thank Jaime for being alive and well.
The sight of our father pulled me to reality. There he was, standing strong and powerful as he always has. I might hate the man with every fiber of my being, but I couldn't deny him my respect. He did deserve it, after all.
I remember a time when I didn't hate him. A time when I desperately wanted his approval. When there was nothing I wouldn't do to make him love me.
It all changed at one point, and to this day, I am not sure when. I must have realized that he didn't change with Tyrion, and that made me see that he won't change with me. I was always, and I forever will be, in the hated children part of the family. And at some point, I realized that nothing I could do will ever change that. After some time, and after a lot of tears and reassuring words from my brothers, I simply decided that I do not give a damn.
He could hate me, he could love me, he could despise me, he could be proud of me. It is simply the same.
I bowed my head, as I should. I kept looking at a single dot on the tile in front of my feet as he was saying his hello's with the more important members of the family. I was still looking it that strangely shaped brown dot when one foot stepped on it. I believe it is time for me to finally look at him.
"Father." I said in a low voice, a small, forced smile on my face.
"Elena." He said. He didn't even bother to force a smile.
It would have been incredibly uncomfortable for all of us if we didn't hug. So we did. And that way, it was only uncomfortable for the two of us.
Like in Cersei's, I was my mother's killer in his eyes too. I grew up with that, and it will probably follow me for the rest of my life. All I can do is hope that I will be a better parent than my father ever was.
"You look well." He said. Well, I was right in one thing. I did look presentable to those who mattered." I hear Jon Arryn is still supporting you're ridiculous wish to fight with a sword." He said.
"You heard well." I said. Oh, how I wish to insult him and spit in his face, and turn around and run away from this horrible face I live in. But I couldn't do it, no matter how I wanted to. I just couldn't.
I simply wasn't strong enough. And I probably won't be, ever. I'm a coward. Every day, every single day, I dream about leaving and I hope that someday I will finally get to that, but I never take a leap and just do it. Instead, I just stay here, and I never stop being the kind little sister of the bitch queen. Yes, I have actually heard people say so. And they were very lucky that I was the only one who heard them.
I hope for a marriage with love and yet I wait for an arranged marriage. I wish to leave, and I do nothing. I may think of myself as an independent and sharp tongued girl who has a mind of her own, but I am nothing more than a coward.
I need to go somewhere. Right now, right this moment, I need to go and be by myself. And once more, I just couldn't turn and run. If I did so, I would still have my head on my shoulders in the morning. But no, I have remained silent and waited for my opportunity.
Luckily, I didn't wait long enough. As we were entering the great hall, I turned to the king.
"Your Grace, I am not feeling well. May I be excused from tonight's festivities?" I asked. There is a reason I asked him, and not my father or Cersei, and it's not just because he has a higher title.
That man understands me. He hates them as much as I do, if not even more. I am the only Lannister he doesn't hate. And again, he had said so himself.
I asked him because I know he could see how much I wanted to run away. He knows what my father's presence does to me, and he will understand why I need to get away.
"Of course Elena." He said, with a kind expression that I don't get to see very often. I don't think anyone gets to see that often really. "Call for a maestar if you need him." He said, and I nodded.
"Your Grace, My Lord" I said, with a bow, and I turned before anyone could stop me. I caught Tyrion looking at me, and I just shook my head. He knows. He knows better than anyone. And despite the fact that he is, without a doubt, my biggest support and my comrade in this thing, I did not want him to see me this way. Not again.
I manage to climb the 39 stairs. But halfway to my chambers, I broke down. It was on step 15, just around the corner to my chambers. I was sure that no one could see me now, and I decided that it was acceptable to start crying.
And did I cry.
When it comes to crying, I believe I have perfected the method. I do not weep, or make any noises that are not fitting for a lady. I wanted to scream as loud as I possibly could, but no, I was as silent as I could possibly be. I was so silent that I could occasionally hear one of my tears hitting the floor.
I do not want to know how long was I sitting there, crying. And I do not want to know how many people saw me, and turned the other way. After a while, I went to my chambers, and there, I cried some more.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." I hear Robb say before I even opened my eyes. His movements made me turn, and he presumed I was already woken up. Well, it's not like I wanted to sleep any longer. I opened my eyes only to find him looking at me." Were you dreaming?" he asked.
"Yes. But don't feel bad. It was not a good dream." I said. I do not want to relieve my horrible memories in my dreams, and I most certainly do not want to talk about it. So I changed the topic before Robb could ask me any questions I hoped to avoid." How was the meeting?" I asked.
"Excruciatingly long." He said, and I smiled." How are you dealing with all of this?"
"Do you hear me complaining?" I asked. I can be a handful when I wake up, and I was a handful just now. But I can only assume that Robb had gotten used to it.
"No, I don't, and that is exactly why I'm worried sick about you." He said. I did not want to roll my eyes. Not now. So I moved closer to him, and I moved away the hair from his forehead.
"I'm handling it." I whispered, hoping that I have finally reassured him that all is well, considering the whole situation. "When I married you, I meant it. And I am standing behind every single promise I ever gave you. I will fight with you. Maybe not in the battlefield, but I will fight with you, because I chose you, and I will chose you, every single day, for the rest of my life." I said.
"I see your point." He said, and smiled down at me. As bad as it is, at least I still have him.
"So. What are our plans?" I asked. Come to think of it now, it might have been a mistake to miss the meeting. But I know he will tell me everything I want to, and need to know.
"We will be getting to the Twins soon enough." He said.
"How delightfull."
"Elena." Robb said in a warning tone, but I could see his smile behind all the facial hair.
"No, I mean it." I said with a smile on my face." I am looking forward to it very much. I am positive Lord Walder Frey will greet us with all the best he can offer."
"I am sure he will." Robb agreed with a chuckle.
"What are we going to do Robb?" I asked, now being serious." We've found a way to protect your brothers and sisters from an arranged marriage, but what are we going to do if he wants our son? Or our children that may or may not arrive."
"I doubt he's that smart." Robb said." He won't think of it unless we offer it."
"And what if he does?" I asked. I may be thinking too much of it, but I need to know what will we do.
"If he does, we will find a solution then." He said. I was not satisfied with the answer, but I knew better than to push him. And he is right I suppose. There is no need to worry. And if he does express the desire to arrange our marriage with our son, well, then Robb better find a way to get us out of that deal. If he doesn't I will kill him myself.
Ok guys, I'm ending this one with an apology and a thank you. First, an apology. A lot of things happened in my life these past three or four months. Jobs, no jobs, exams, no exams, college, no college, and what not. And I just didn't have the time or the will to write. But I'm back again. And now the thank you. To all of you who stuck with this story until now, thank you. And to those who gave up, I'm sorry. I'll post a new chapter as soon as I finish it, and I'm writing it right now. Love you all, Ana.