My life has changed so many times up to this point that I could barely keep track of all those changes I went through.
I went from a little girl to Queen's younger sister. I went from completely inexperienced child to a girl who was painfully aware of the situation she was in. I was a girl, a lady, and then I was a wife. And now, I'm a Queen.
As I was going through all those changes, I have learned a lot. I learned not to be gullible, I learned that people do not always have your best interest at heart, and I've been proven far too many times that the world is crowded with people who would cut your throat in a blink of an eye, providing that your pouring blood would be of use to them. I knew most of these things even before I became the Queen in the North. But what I've learned since that day is that the council meetings are the worst thing possible.
It is indescribably difficult to be responsible, not only for yourself and your family, but for a whole legion of people who chose you as their leader. Well, my husband, but apparently, I go hand in hand with him.
I was very, very lucky that Robb was the real leader. But on the other hand, he was lost at times, and there was nothing I could do other than to try in comfort him, speaking useless words I doubt he even listened to.
The worst part is that I knew that this would happen. It was more than predictable, really. And with that, and the war, and life on the road, and last, but not least, dealing with the fact that my son is not with me, I am scared. I am genuinely scared, probably for the first time in my entire existence. There was fear, but never to this degree. And sitting in an uncomfortable chair, listening to all of our problems, presented by the people who kept talking in circles, it did not help at all.
I wish I was selfish enough to declare that I am not interested, and that Robb should be the one whose opinion matters, and not mine. I truly wished that I could have done that. But I could never have put him in that position. He has it a lot worse than I do, and I could never have forgiven myself if I left him to it.
And purely because I was trying to be a good wife, I ended up where I am now.
"I believe we should not get ahead of ourselves." Tyrion said. As a sister, I was more than proud. To see my brother, speaking to a room of men, well, mostly men, who listened carefully to what he was saying. I was also a proud wife to see that Robb was turning to Tyrion for advice. But my sisterly pride won this battle. There was something in the way my brother spoke. Tyrion was always good with words. As was I, but never to the same extent as he was. He is incredibly smart, and the fact that he knows that makes him only smarter. He might not have fought a war before, but my father definitely could not see the profit that Tyrion could have given him. My brother is a tactician, and a good one at that. He is in the group of people I like to think of as observers. We wait before we act. And the other group acts instantly, following the heart, doing what they believe to be right. Robb was in that group. Still, that does not mean he will make stupid decisions that would lead to our downfall.
That is the whole point of this council. No one could go through this alone. Not one King, in the whole of history, ever won a battle, let alone a war, standing by himself. The army is a given; you cannot win a war without warriors. But guidance is just as important.
As my brother waited for someone to disagree, I looked around the room. From Catelyn, who was on Robb's other side, and my brother who was sitting on my left, all the way to the Lord's whose houses are sworn to the House of Stark, each and every one of us had a different approach to this. This is why we meet, ultimately. To talk and to seek the best possible way for us to make it out of this alive.
And that is not even the goal. Everyone who sits in this tent would rather day than give up. And I am not quite sure whether that is a good thing or not.
Tyrion might have waited for someone to disagree, but no one did. He needed to elaborate a bit more. It is not like he was specific. Smart, very much so. Brave and sure in himself? Only on occasions.
"Tywin Lannister might fight his grandson's war, but believe me when I say it, if it comes to choosing between defending King's Landing and Casterly Rock, he will not blink. He will not give up Casterly Rock." Tyrion said. He was right. Our father is ultimately a Lannister. He has his priorities.
"Why in the name of Gods would he choose to protect a bloody rock rather than the capitol?!" Lord Karstark demanded. I could understand where he comes from. It made no sense. It truly didn't. But they are not aware of the Lannister's pride as much as Tyrion and I are.
"Lord Karstark, with all due respect, my brother is right." I said in a low voice once I could see that no one was about to speak up on the matter. I didn't like the feeling that went along with them staring at me, and listening carefully to my every word. When that happens I feel as if I am scrutinized." It might seem irrational. By all means, it is irrational. No one in their right mind would make the same decision. But Tywin Lannister would. I do not know war, and I will not pretend that I do. Contrary to popular belief, I am not an idiot little girl who thinks she's important and that her voice should be heard just because she has a right to speak. Again I say, I do not know war. But I do know Lord Tywin. There is no crown that would make him give up the house seat. Believe me, he will do anything and everything to keep Casterly Rock. It has been in the Lannister's possession far too long for him to give it up easily. Even if it is just a bloody rock."
The silence that followed my little speech is precisely the reason I avoided speaking on the council. It felt more than uncomfortable, but I believe it would have been far lot worse if I hadn't spoken. After all, the Lannister family is my territory. They can talk tactics and numbers, but I know who we're fighting against. So does Tyrion. I suppose that sometimes it takes a Queen to make people see.
"It has never fallen, has it?" Robb asked.
"According to the legends, no. It hasn't." I said.
"Is there a way that it can fall?" Lady Mormont asked. I wish I could have given them more information. I may know the layout of Casterly Rock and the whole of Lannisport, but that is where my knowledge ends. I cannot give them a way of winning it over. I wish that I could, I truly wish that I could.
"When there's an army, there's a way." Lord Umber suggested, and then roared with laughter. No one other than him found it amusing. But I do envy the man. He can take this seriously, and still be able to keep some humor in him. I was not that lucky, and in all honesty, neither were most of us.
"That might be true to some point, Lord Umber." Tyrion said. I turned to him, slightly surprised. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised at all. I spent most of my life in King's Landing, and I could have been far more useful when it comes to giving away the information about the capitol. But unlike me, Tyrion grew up in Casterly Rock. That was his home, and King's Landing was a place he occasionally lived in once Cersei wed the King. For me, it was always the other way around." With the sea, and the mines under the bloody rock, as you called it, there should be a way in which we might be able to enter the Castle without being detected straight away." He said. I knew war well enough to know that we needed a bloody fleet for that. Needless to say, we do not have one.
"Without destroying it completely?" Catelyn asked, her voice filled with doubt which I shared.
"Why wouldn't we destroy it? It's one castle. I'm sure the Kingdom could survive without it." Lord Karstark said. I had to agree with him. If we were to compare one castle to the rest of the Kingdom, I know what would be my choice, and I know it would be Robb's as well. I hated it admitting it to myself, but I could imagine why father would choose Casterly Rock over anything else. If we had to choose between Winterfell and everything else, I'm not quite sure what we would choose. I'd like to believe we would make the rational decision, but ultimately… home is where the heart is.
"Casterly Rock is an immense source of wealth. The whole Kingdom depends on it much more than we would care to admit." Lord Glover said. I hated this. I hate this whole ordeal because each and every one of us was right. It was as if we were leading two wars at once: the one that was about to start any day now, and the other one in this tent, right here and now.
"Sod the gold! There are far more important things!" Lord Umber yelled. Of course, he was right too. It took me seconds to realize that I was about to witness another one of the fights. Before we reach any of the conclusions that are behind us, there was always a fight. I was both amused and frightened once I realized it's the bloody Northerners. It's in their blood to be loud and angry when they have to be.
Voices were slowly starting to rise, and soon enough, I felt left out. Luckily, I was not the only one. Tyrion was every bit as left out as I was, and as was Catelyn. I found it interesting that even after so many years in the North, she still had the Tully pride and stature in her. Jon didn't join in the argument, but I think that that one is due to his nature. He was probably more of a Northerner than all of them.
And, of course, there was Robb. The poor thing who had to make the ultimate decision.
"Stop." He said, in a strict voice, that I have heard plenty of times lately, but never before this whole trip we had embarked on. Robb could be intimidating when he wanted to. We might see the best side of him, but when it comes to it, he will step up. I could see him shifting from a young man, my husband, to a King in a matter of seconds." STOP!" He yelled, and this time, more than four of us heard his voice.
I felt a strange sense of relief when they stopped bickering and when silence fell in the tent, yet again. Every now and then, more often that I would like, I still fear for Robb. I wonder whether or not they take him seriously. I wonder whether they look at him, and see what I can see. Because I see someone who can win this war, and I fear they see just a boy. This is not about respect. This is about trust. And I wonder if they trust him more often than I should. At times like these, I feel relief. I see that they give him the trust and respect that he deserves, and even more than that, that one that he needs.
I never said any of this to Robb. Last thing that he needs is to worry even more.
"There is no need for us to focus on it at this point. We are not marching on Casterly Rock at dawn! I understand your worries, and I take them into consideration, but we have more important issues!" he yelled. Even his yells are controlled. He is a good King. "They know we are marching on King's Landing for Joffrey's head. They know we are coming, and they are getting prepared, and they will not wait for us to reach the bloody gates! We have thousands of obstacles to cross before we should even start discussing winning over King's Landing, or Casterly Rock for that matter. We might be stronger than they expect us to be, but this will by no means be easy. There is a reason Tywin is fighting this war for Joffrey. And Tywin Lannister is a smart man. He will try to stop us long before we are even close to either one of the two places he needs to protect the most. We know it is a matter of days before he attacks Riverrun and we need to be there when he does. Now, can we discus that matter?" He asked. Anger was pouring out of him. And I could not blame him. He is the son of Lord Tully's eldest daughter. Riverrun is close to his heart, as well as his mother's. Robb is putting his family's safety first, and no one could blame him. Especially since we need Riverrun.
"The only thing that needs to be discussed is how fast we can get there, Your Grace." Lord Bolton said.
"If it were as simple as that, Lord Bolton." Robb responded. He did not enjoy this, not one bit, I could see that much. Neither did I, but we both knew what needed to be done. This is not as simple as running Winterfell. I remember the time when I found that difficult. What I would give to deal with just that…" There are two ways to get to Riverrun. One is, to go all the way around, and lose days, weeks even. And the other is to cross the bridge." He said. Cross the bridge. If only it was as simple as that.
"You are right Your Grace." Ser Rodrick said, the tone of his voice reveling that he's as every bit as vary of the plan as I knew Robb was." We need to cross the Trident."
"Which means we have to deal with that Frey bastard." Lord Umber said. He was not laughing now.
"He will not give in easily just because we ask him nicely." Lord Karstark said. I almost laughed.
"We are all aware of that, Lord Karstark." Catelyn said, speaking for the first time at the meeting." The House of Frey has been loyal to Riverrun for a very long time."
"And yet, we remember when he arrived when we were fighting for that Baratheon idiot." Lord Umber said. Of course. How could I forget. I only heard the story a thousand times. Robert's rebellion was the late Kings favorite story. The whole thing, from the part when the Mad King took Lyanna Stark to the disturbingly detailed part where he tortures, kills and butchers the remaining Targaryen's. It was his favorite tale which he relieved when he was as drunk as a man could be while still being able to talk. And I vaguely remember him mentioning that "The bloody bastard Walder Frey only bothered showing up when the fun part was already over." I can almost hear his voice in my head saying those exact words.
"As I remember, you were fighting for my husband, Lord Umber." Catelyn said in her strict voice. Gods, that woman can be intimidating when she want's too. Even now, when I know she considers me as her family, I still get the fear of her not completely accepting me. How could I not, she can silence a room full of experienced warriors. She might be fond of Lord Umber usually, but that is not the impression the tone of her voice was giving away." And what is in the past is in the past. Now we must face Lord Frey without the previous opinions we all have of him." She said.
"While that might be true, he will not let us cross the bridge without giving him something in return." Ser Rodrick said. He pointed out my worst fears right there.
"We need that bridge." Robb said. There will be no more talk about it. We do not have the time to spare and we need to cross that bridge. And for that, we are willing to pay the price." Whatever Walder Frey wants, that is what Walder Frey will get." Robb added. It sounded far more final than it should have." We will continue this conversation, but now, we all need our rest. You may be dismissed." He said.
Not everyone left the tent. Both Robb and I remained, as did Tyrion, Catelyn and Jon. We waited until everyone else had left us. And even when they did, it took a little while for us to speak again.
"Robb, he will think of something. You can be sure of that." Catelyn said her voice almost a whisper.
"I know. But there is nothing I can do, is there?" He asked. No one answered. I did not even look at him. I found the rest of the tent suddenly interesting." We all need our rest. Tomorrow will be a long day." He said, and with that, he got up and left the tent, without looking back. Despite the fact that he clearly left me behind, I did not feel as if he did. He needs his space. He probably secretly wished for his space ever since the day we got married. And I cannot say that I blame him. It can be overwhelming at times.
"We should look on the bright side." Tyrion said. I doubted anyone could, but I held my tongue." When we do cross that bridge, we will make a significant progress." He said. It truly is strange. Tyrion was the sarcastic one, not the one who desperately held on to the only hope he had. I suppose that there is some truth to that saying that war changes people.
"I suppose my whole view on this was unrealistic to begin with." I said, looking down at my hands. I could not bear to look at them, any one of them. My husband's brother, mother, my brother… my family. I did not want them to see the look on my face." You cannot engage in war, let alone win one without casualties." I whispered, and I got up on my feet, feeling the incredible urge to be alone." If you'll excuse me." I said, and I did not wait for a response. I was out of the tent faster than I thought was possible.
Gendry waited for me outside, but he did not follow me as I marched away. He was going to, I could see that much. But it took one look from me to tell him that he shouldn't dare.
When I calm down, I will feel bad for it, I know it already. Whether he was just a regular guard, or my closest friend, he didn't deserve the treatment he was getting. But with everything that was going on, I could not find it in me to focus on my everyday words and actions. And I know I will have to work on it more. I do not want to become the type of Queen that I grew up watching.
The campsite was enormous. Where I am right now, I cannot even see the end of the camp. We had a lot of people. While that was reassuring strategy wise, it was troubling when you wish to be by yourself.
I wanted to run off in the woods, and just sit and silence, and completely empty my head. I did not do it, as much as I wished to. I knew that at least ten soldiers would follow me right in.
So I remained in camp. I ignored the looks and nods I was getting. And I didn't even get a lot of them. The men were mostly minding their own business. And I suppose I was quite invisible here.
"Elena." I heard, and I turned around to see Jon approaching me. While Gendry listened to me, Jon evidently did not give a damn whether or not I was in need of company.
"Yes?" I asked. I was not rude, I was not uninterested, I was just… empty. I had no emotion now.
"Do you mind telling me what exactly are you planning to do?" Jon asked.
The man knows me well. A lot better than I expected him to. Especially since I did not realize that I need a plan before he mentioned it. He knew I was going to come up with something even before I did.
"I will speak to Lord Frey." I said.
That was it. I am not going to allow Robb to stride into Walder Frey's trap. I heard plenty about the man to know that that probably is exactly what Robb can expect from him. I will not let him do that.
"Do you truly believe that Robb would let you do that?" Jon asked. He has a fair point, but it seems to me that he forgot just how much I can be convincing. I do not have a power over Robb. I do not influence him as some background wife who controls everything. But I am good with words. And I have a few arguments going my way. The bottom line is, the North needs a King. A Queen, it could live without. But it could never be without a King. Not anymore.
"Yes. He may care for me, but he will do what is best." I said, and Jon's eyes widened.
"Care for you?" He asked me in disbelief." Elena, I will not let him do that. He will not allow that."
"Jon, do you not see?" I asked, but did not wait for an answer." From now on, we must assure that Robb lives. We all are… irrelevant little beings compared to him. Yes, I want us all to live. Yes, I want us all to come back. But only one of us has to live, and that one is Robb. He needs to live, he needs to live long enough, and I will not let some wile old men be in charge of his fate. I will not allow it." I said. I have never been more determined about something my entire life." Besides, Robb is the one who decides. You and I both cannot do anything once he makes his decision. There is no way you can stop him, and neither can I. But he will see that we need to look further on. He said so himself; Walder Frey is only one obstacle, and we will have to face plenty. The Trident is only one obstacle. And I will not let him loose his life because of it, no matter what you, or anyone else says." I said.
"Elena, you are not thinking straight. You are not making any sense" Jon said, but I shook my head.
"Funny thing is, Jon, I do not think I ever made more sense." I said, and I turned and walked away from him before he could make another attempt to stop me.
I made my decision. Now I only need to convince Robb that it is for the best.
Hey guys :) I'm back with a new update :) As you can see, I am taking my time with this whole war thing. The truth is, I do not want this story to end. And, I have to re watch the whole freakin' series if I want to make any sense xD I just did my CPE exam, so I will have plenty of time on my hands to focus on To love and to fight. And this time, I will write a little bit in advance, because I know very well how irritating it can be when you wait for an update. But fear not my readers, I will do my best to continue the story you love (Well, I hope you love it, I guess xD) Review, I need more feedback :) Love, Ana.