Hi guys :) Here's another one. I originally did not plan on posting this often, but since I'm sick as a dog, I have a lot of free time on my hands and I've been doing a lot of writing. This one wasn't written in a high fever delirium, but the next two chapters were :) I'll give it time for this chapter to settle down a bit before posting a new one. I'm on a sprint here and I have decided to spice things up a little bit and it's safe to say, you have no idea what you're in for. Drama, drama, drama. I am getting mixed feelings from you lot. A few reviews would be nice, because I need to know what you think. I might enjoy this, but I don't know if you are. And I don't want this story to end up on a long hiatus like the last one I did. Just, tell me what you think. I have plenty more ideas for this one, and I have even developed some ideas for new GOT fan fiction stories. I'm not gonna publish any of it until this one's over. I'm not making that mistake again. Anyway, hope you enjoy this one. And be ready for the next two chapters. Like I said, drama, drama, drama :) Peace out.
Crossing the bridge did not make us winners, and we were all aware of that. It was but a small step on this long journey we are taking. My father and my brother are both waiting for us, and we have no solid plan. After a day of riding, we stopped. The soldiers needed their rest, and the leaders needed a plan. I was genuinely tempted to attend this council meeting; by all means, this appeared to be the one that was most important at this point. I should have been smarter and braver and I should have marched into that tent, wanting to know what our next move will be. I am aware that I should have done that. But I didn't. I was still hurt, and I chose my pain and pride over my curiosity and anxiety.
I was concerned and I was miserable. And I was in the dark. The only information I had was the one Tyrion gave me after each meeting. That was enough to keep me satisfied for a while, but we are approaching our first battle. My need to be involved in any way was growing.
By now, everyone in the camp knew of the deal I have made with Lord Frey. I did not bother to wait for Robb's approval, although it was clear he agreed with it since we crossed the bridge. He did not approach me after that. While I haven't had a problem with that, I couldn't help but wonder how long will that last. How long will we be able to avoid each other? How long will it take for the anger to deflate enough for us to have a civilized discussion? I am no closer to an answer then I was that night.
"You should be there, you know?" Gendry asked, and his question was a rough awakening from my day dreaming. I turned to look at him. The way he said it made me feel like he sees me as a complete idiot who should put her feelings aside. Sadly, he was right." You are his Queen. You are our Queen. My Queen. But more than that, you are my friend. And as a friend, I am telling you that you need to change this." He said. I am surprised he managed to keep quiet for this long. Ever since we were children, he was always the one who questioned me, who openly disagreed with me and wasn't afraid of saying it. For a long time, he was the only person who did that. In the meantime, we grew up. Nevertheless, Gendry was still very much my voice of reason. A voice who was quiet until now, for reasons unknown to me. It surprised me. Here I am, hurt and angry and uncertain on the faith of my marriage. I did not even realize that I should be struggling to keep my friendship with him strong and resilient. It had managed to surpass this whole ordeal, but I need to remind myself who is my council.
"I know. Shit, I know." I said, once the gravity of it had hit me. I knew this was bad, of course I did. I am not an idiot, and I knew what I was doing, and what are the consequences of my actions. But coming from Gendry… It all sounded so much real." I wish I could forget it. I really do, but… Gendry, it was bad. You heard it yourself. It was really bad." I said in a whisper. He did not mention it, but I knew he heard the most of the fight, if not the whole thing. We were not exactly careful not to raise our voices." Do you know what it felt like? I'll try to explain it. You and I, we have been friends for a very, very long time. You know everything there is to know about me, and you have for years. You know all my dreams, wishes, hopes, fears, worries and doubts. As does Robb. We've been married for almost two years now. I never question my trust in him. And he did the worst thing possible, Gendry. Imagine if you and I were to start arguing, for whatever reason, and you just decide to dig up and use against me my biggest fears. Not only am I hurt, but I feel betrayed. Betrayal, that is the problem. That, and disappointment. Hurt, I can live with hurt. For the rest of it, I am not so sure." I said.
It wasn't clear to me until now. Hurt was the least worrying feeling of them all. That I can forget, however strange it may seem. It is that horrible feeling of betrayal followed by disappointment that I can't handle. When you confide in someone the way I did in Robb, you do it because you could not be more certain in the relationship you may have with them. It doesn't matter if it's friendship or marriage. You confide in them, and the last person you expect to turn on you, is the person you tell everything.
Simply put, my trust in Robb had turned around and bit me on the ass. And it hurts like hell. It hurt so much that I am actually sitting here and debating with myself whether or not I could trust him at all. It had led me to keep secrets from him, and horrible secrets at that. He did not know about the potions I was drinking, and as far as I'm concerned, he never will. After being alone for so long, it is difficult for me to be in that state of mind again, when in the meantime, Robb had changed everything for me.
"Elena, I am not defending him." Gendry told me." What he did was wrong. It was despicable, and it hurts me to see you like this. But there is a goal here. And however difficult it may be, I think that the two of you need to put this behind, and work together to reach that bigger goal." He said.
"Even if I did… Say I do that. Say I forgive him, and we put this whole thing behind us. Do you really think I will be able to live with myself if I do not trust the man I'm sharing a bed with?" I asked. I am not angry with him, but he needs to see that it is not as simple as it may seem to him. On the contrary, it is more difficult than he could ever imagine. I almost asked him to imagine if he was in my situation, and Arya was the one who broke his heart into thousand unrecognizable and unrepeatable pieces. But I didn't do it. I won't make this hard for him too, just because it is hard for me.
"Trusting someone is a tricky thing. I know that too Elena." He said. Does he, really?" But trust can be rebuilt. You two were almost strangers when you married. No, you were strangers. Sure, you talked and giggled, but did you know one another's thoughts? No, you did not. And you manage to build this whole thing you have between the two of you. You went from complete strangers to loving parents to a child who was not born out of duty, but out of love. If you managed to do all of that, and not lose your mind in the process, do you really thing that this fight should be the end of your story?" He asked. I did not expect his words to hit me as hard as they did. He is right." What are you planning on doing Elena? Do you ignore each other until you're both dead, or return as victors to Winterfell? Or are you going to leave him? That is not how marriage works. Do you remember when you were afraid he was not even remotely interested in you at the beginning of your marriage, and you confided in me?" He asked, and I nodded. I have almost forgotten about that. When I look back at that, it seems to me like it has happened in another lifetime, and not just over a year ago.
"You told me to talk to him. You and Catelyn both." I said, remembering the whole thing clearly now. It was as simple as that. Just talk. There were so many things unsaid that caused us to slowly drift apart, and when we finally started to speak to each other, it all turned out to be a simple misunderstanding." And you were right. But this is not the same." I said. That was nothing more than a misunderstanding, and this… well, there's nothing I did not understand about the words Robb used to describe me.
"Why shouldn't it be the same? Why don't the two of you just sit together and talk, and try to work past this. Yeah, I'm sure it won't be easy and it will take time, but for the love of Gods, you two are in love! You have a son waiting for you, and you need each other more than ever! Try to forgive and forget." He said. Once again, I was surprised how much he thought about this. He had free time on his hands, and he is worried about me. It's as simple as that.
"This is not just on me." I said. What he's suggesting won't work if Robb isn't willing to work on it as much as I am. We have a history when it comes to things like this. One of us will try desperately, and the other would not even know what is going on. We really have poor communication some times. Not just some times, but at the worst of times too. Whenever it is pivotal that we trust one another, we both completely fail at it.
"One of you has to start it." He said. Of course, he has a solution." If you keep waiting for the other one to do something, you both can start looking for another spouse." He said. Now, he's exaggerating. That will not happen. But I can't exactly blame him for seeing that as an option at this point.
"It's not exactly easy, Gendry." I said. When he said nothing in response, I looked at him. The look on his face told me that someone is behind us. And the slight panic in his facial features told me that behind is the object of our conversation. I turned around. Of course it is.
Robb was standing behind me, an unsure look on his face. Before any of us were able to say something, Grey Wind decided to break the ice. I was not prepared for the impact of love the pup was giving me. He was jumping on me, trying to lick my face, his tail wiggling in excitement. It was hard not to smile at that display, but we all managed not to give in. As much as Grey Wind brought unexpected joy in this moment, the air in the tent was still too cold. So was the look on Robb's face. I imagined I have the same look on me, while Gendry… well, he just wanted to be anywhere other than here.
"Calm down, Grey Wind." I told the pup, who was still jumping on me." I've missed you too." I told him, and somehow, I knew he could understand. He put his head in my lap and looked at me with his sad eyes. Now that he's decided to calm down, he was no longer an excuse. I had to look at Robb.
"I was hoping we could talk." He said, answering the question he knew I was silently asking. I nodded, and when I turned to look at Gendry and ask him to leave us, I could see that he was already on his feet. He nodded to both of us, and left the tent. There goes my human shield. At least I still have an animal one. As devoted as he is to Robb, I have a feeling Grey Wind will defend me if I need defending.
"If you dismissed the council, I'm afraid Tyrion might want his tent to himself." I said.
"I have asked him to give us some time." He told me. Of course he did. That's Robb, thinking of everything in advance. The only thing he doesn't think about is the consequences of his words.
"We should get to it then." I said, trying to sound as carefree as I could be. I knew he didn't believe it, not for one seconds, but it was still a whole lot better than telling him that I don't want to talk to him at all." What do you wish to speak to me about?" I asked, and I offered him a seat.
"I am afraid you know all too well what I wish to speak about." He said as he sat in the chair Gendry occupied just now. It's safe to say he won't beat around the bush anymore.
"Oh. Alright. Let me rephrase that. What do you have to tell me?" I asked. I was fully aware that Gendry told me, just moments ago, to bury the battle axe. I was also aware that he was right about it. It is Robb's boldness that pushed me of the edge and made me slightly rude even. I know he will not beg for my forgiveness. He has too much pride to do that, as do I. But he could at least look like he was sorry. His casual approach with "You know all too well what this is about" was what made me angry.
"I wanted to thank you." He said. This is not going the way I was expecting it to go. I raised a brow, hoping for an explanation, because if there is one thing I don't see, it's why in the name of Gods he has to thank me for." I want to thank you for going to see Lord Frey with my mother." He said.
"Oh, that." I sad once I realized where he was going." There is no need to thank me for it. I was only doing my duty. Both towards you and our people." I added. It wasn't something I particularly enjoyed, but I knew I had to do it. Hopefully, I did it well enough.
"You did it better than anyone else would." He said. I was waiting for an ironic remark to end it, yet I did not get one. He meant what he said. While it's an honor to have my efforts acknowledged, I can't help but think how this whole thing would have been a whole lot easier if he could see that from the very beginning." I should have trusted you." He said. And he looked away. Robb is rarely the one who looks away. The fact that he did, showed me that he really does regret not trusting me.
"I suppose you should have." I said, because there was nothing else I could say. He did not apologize, so there was nothing for me to forgive him for.
"Are you aware that Jon committed an act of treason?" He asked.
"He did what?!" I yelled in complete surprise. What in the name of Gods has happened while I was hiding away in my brother's tent? Jon? Act of treason? He would never do something like that! He loves and respects Robb and he would never turn his back on his family, let alone commit treason against us!" There must be some sort of mistake." I said, refusing to believe that Jon would harm us in any way.
"He hit me." Robb said. I could only stare at him, blankly." It is an act of treason to hit your King."
"I am well aware of that." I said in a voice so low it was almost a whisper." Why would he do that?"
"Because I deserved it." Robb told me, again, looking away from me. Now I am even more confused." It had happened when you returned from the Twins. He waited for the two of us to be alone, so that we can avoid an even bigger incident." He explained. I still understand nothing.
"But… why?" I asked him.
"Because he thought I deserved it." he said. Still, I have no idea what he is trying to say." You told him and my mother what had happened that night, and that earned me a fist in the face from Jon, and a slap from my mother." He said. My mouth dropped. I would expect for them to give him harsh, judgmental looks, but I never could have expected them to physically assault him in order to defend me.
"Oh my." I said because there was not a thought I could form articulately at this point." It is a good thing to know I have someone to defend me." I said once I realized that that was the only appropriate thing I could say. And not even that was appropriate. While I feel slightly flattered by what Jon and Catelyn did, I still don't think they it was a good thing that they did. Robb could have reacted in a different way, and that would not have ended well. Hopefully it just made him realize that he was a complete arse.
"They were right to do so, both of them." He said. Now I will finally hear what he thinks." That night… Elena, I crossed a line." He said. That he did. I was extremely difficult to keep focus now that he was staring at me with those big blue eyes. I find it a whole lot easier when he is looking away. Whatever he says or does, I need to keep my ground, at least for now." I have crossed every line imaginable." Quite right too. At least he's aware of it." And I… I did not mean a single word I said." He finished.
"Then why did you say it?" I asked. It is as simple as that. If he didn't mean what he said, then why did he say it? Why did he decide to hurt me in the worst possible way? It was definitely not an accident.
"It got out of hand Elena. I had no idea what I was saying at that point." He said. Now, that's not the truth. He had more than enough time to take it back. He could have stopped every time I begged him not to do that. He could have turned and walked away, but boy did he keep walking.
"I was pissed off too, Robb." I said, trying to make him realize that he is not making a valid excuse." I was angry as much as you were. I said some pretty harsh words too, but I did not insult you. Unlike you did to me, I did not hit you when you were already down." I told him. He looked like he was genuinely sorry. But that does nothing for me if he doesn't realize what he had actually done. It does nothing for the both of us, if the same thing will happen whenever we disagree on something. That is what I am afraid of. Say I forgive and forget. How am I supposed to know that Robb won't do the exact same thing the next time we start fighting? Trust. That's the problem here. I trusted him, and now I don't.
I remember when we were just married, and I was surprised to learn that he probably didn't trust me enough. I have thought that we had trust, and that the only thing we needed to work on was love. That trust that we had, we continued to build it. I have never expected him to turn on me in such way. And I can't say if I am ready to build that trust again, only to have it completely destroy by him once again.
"Elena, I… I cannot expect you to forgive me. Not when I cannot forgive myself." He said. I knew this would happen too. It's so typical for us both. He starts feeling guilty about something and he start beating himself up about it. I watch and wait for a while, until I can't handle it anymore. At that point I run into his arms, not wanting to see him like that ever again. Simply put, his pain is my pain. Not even our destroyed trust can change that. I love him. I knew our love will be a weakness someday. Only, I saw it as a weakness that might put us both in danger. I did not see it as a weakness that is stopping me from standing up for myself. It wasn't desire; it wasn't an addiction of sorts. It is simple, really. It is just pure love. Because of it, I can't handle this like a strong girl that I used to be. We come in a pair now.
"Robb, I love you. I love you more than anything, and you know that." I said in a low voice. I was the one who was looking away now." These past days, I've been trying to find a way, a word that expresses what I feel. It was a difficult task, but I think I got it. Again, I love you. And that's why this whole thing hurts me even more. You have betrayed both me and my trust. While I may forgive you for it, I don't think I will ever be able to forget. Even more than that, I don't know if I am able to trust you again." I said. It is better that I'm honest. It is better that I'm honest. I'll keep repeating this to myself for as long as I have to. The pain I could clearly see in his eyes almost made me take back everything. I didn't, because I know, if we do not work on this right now, at this point in our marriage, we are doomed. Our marriage is doomed.
Our marriage is, without a doubt, the best part of my life. And I'll be damned if I see it fail.
If we need to be in pain for a little while in order to make it work, I will happily do that, because I want him. I want him, forever.
I didn't even know he had such power over me. He can betray my trust, and I would still want to be with him forever. I should just be thankful he even sees that what he did was a mistake.
"Will you at least let me work on it?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, what?" I asked. Let him work on what? It looks like we're both missing something here.
"Let me work on us. Our relationship. If you don't forgive me, let me at least prove it to you. Prove to you that I am sorry. Prove to you that I will not do anything like this ever again. A chance to prove to you my devotion." He said. He looked determined, for the first time in this whole conversation.
"I don't think you get it." I said with a small smile." I forgive you. Seven Hells Robb, you could cut my heart out and I would still find a way to forgive you." I said. I was no longer able to hold back my tears." I forgive you, but there is still this hole between the two of us. And we need to fill it before we both fall in it head first." I said, and he nodded." I am still your wife. And I will be your wife until I die. But we need to work on this. We need to work on this before it is too late. The way I feel about you now, I want to feel the same way forever. I don't want us to grow to resent one another. Promise me we will find a way to repair this. Both of us. Just… promise me that." I begged him. I need something to look forward to. I need to look forward to our future after this war. I need it.
"We will fix this. I know we will." He said. I was trying so desperately to stop myself from breaking down. I nodded frantically, while wiping away tears with the back of my hand. I kept nodding. I kept nodding until he was by my side, pulling me up from the chair I was sitting in. I did not stop until he hugged me.
I always found hugs to be the most honest display of affection there is. Hugs are not clouded by desire the way kisses are. They are genuine. Honest. They are also a way to keep your face hidden from the person you hug. Only a hug can be honest and not trustworthy at the same time.
Anything other than a hug would be pushing our luck. It was a wrong moment for a kiss. I just needed him to hold me.
If we are going to try and sort this problem between the two of us, he is going to have to hold me a lot.