Here's the deal guys. I'm going out of town for a couple of days and it's highly unlikely that I will have any internet connection whatsoever. So, I'm leaving you with this until I return. And, just to check if anyone actually reads my A/N, I have a confession. I'm an emu. There, I said it. Hope you like this :) Like I said in the chapter before, drama, drama, drama and this is just the tip of the iceberg :)

"What if I am making the wrong decision?" Robb asked. We've been talking about this for hours now, but now, it's just us. He needs as much confirmation as he can get. I would probably tell him that he was doing the right thing, even if I didn't think he was. It's only easier now that I really do agree with him.

"It can go wrong. You can never know. But you think that that is the best chance we've got, and I have to agree." I said. Like we both promised each other, we will put our differences aside and do what is best for our family, and the North. If that means temporarily burying the hatched, I was happy to do it.

And our truce led to this. An honest conversation on what he is about to do. He decided to separate his men. With my father waiting to attack on one side, and my brother waiting for an attack on the other, he had to. As Riverrun is a priority, that is where Robb will be. And the other part of the army… well, he's pretty much sending them to their deaths.

I've heard about wars and I read about wars. Wars end in casualties. Most times, yes, there indeed is a winning side. But both sides suffer losses. There is no way to escape that.

Men who go to war know that they might not return. Their families know the same. While it breaks my heart, everyone is doing their duty. I am equal to the women waiting at home for their husbands because I do not know whether or not Robb will return. We all have our jobs and duties. We hate them, but that does not make them any less real.

This is, simply, what happens in a war. There is no avoiding it.

"I am not a good King." He whispered. It looks to me as if he's looking around, anywhere but not in my eyes. Though I do not agree with his statement, I was expecting it. Not now, not this soon, but I had a bad feeling it would creep up upon us eventually.

"I'm not that certain you are right." I said. He raised his eyebrows. He doesn't believe me." You see what needs to be done. You are more than prepared to do it. That is what I see." I said. I did not start well and I could see I was slowly losing his attention. I need to make my point, soon." On the other hand, I see you feeling bad about it, which is not quite common as you might think. And, in my humble opinion, that is what separates you from the others." I said. It doesn't look like he believes me, but at least he's listening. And judging by the way we acted only days ago, that was quite an improvement.

"What, you think that my guilt makes me a good King?" He asked, his voice full of doubt.

"Well, yes." I said, and he rolled his eyes." Think about it. You remember Joffrey. You know what he's like. He's ravishing the torments of his people, he enjoys it. And I, I grew up with King Robert. Believe me when I say, he was not bothered by many things." I said, and I actually managed to make him smile." I can only imagine what guilt does to you as a King, as a ruler. But if you didn't feel the guilt you feel, and if you were not bothered by it, I would be a lot more worried than I am now." I said to him, a small smile on my face. And the truth is, I am not letting my emotions cloud my judgment. It was difficult, but I found a way of mastering that. If I think that Robb is a good King, it's not because I love him, or care for him, or sing him praises in order to make him feel better about the whole ordeal. Every word I said, I am ready to stand behind it. And he is a good King.

"What you just said… that makes me a better person than Joffrey, not a good King." He said.

"It's not that difficult to be a better human being than Joffrey, to be honest." I said, and we both laughed briefly at that." If you want me to, I can keep telling you that I think you're a great King. Truly, I can. But I doubt that will lead both of us anywhere. You need to realize that and I'm afraid that will happen only once you return a victor." I said.

"Elena, I might not return at all." he said.

"Let's not kill my hopes just yet." I said and we both laughed. It really is ironic how the uncertainty of your future makes you skeptical and sarcastic. I fear I might be turning into Tyrion." I'm not a sorceress or anything similar, but I'd like to think that you'll come back." I added.

It is… strange. The things we said to each other will never be forgotten. Every now and then, I remember them in clarity. Despite that, we are not children anymore, and we should stop acting like we are. That will lead us nowhere, but our truce just might push us forward.

"It would be shit if I don't return, wouldn't it?" he said. I was close to tears, that's how hard I was laughing. Robb just might be joining me in turning into Tyrion.

"That's one way of saying it, yes." I said. Sadly, that was it from our dark humor. It was evident. His demeanor changed, and so did mine. We were back to avoiding looking directly at each other, and the silence we were in was slowly becoming uncomfortable. Despite our jokes, I can't help but think how shit it would actually be if he doesn't return.

I would either die myself, or I would have to live without him. Neither of those possibilities sounded appealing to me. I can't even imagine what a wreck I would be if that happens. I won't be capable of talking, let alone leading an army or trying to accomplish our initial goal. It is incredibly scary to know that your future is in someone else's hands. And it's even scarier when you care more about that person than yourself.

That is exactly what sets me apart from the people I used to call family. It's not just the personality, or the lack of golden hair. Unlike them all, I am capable of putting someone else before me. And I am not so sure if even Tyrion could do the same, not to mention the rest of them.

"Elena, I don't know what will happen there today." He said, and I finally found the strength to look straight at him." Jon, Theon, Tyrion, I… we all might not make it." He said, and I nodded.

"Yes, I am aware of that." I whispered. I wish I just had to worry about him. It wouldn't be easy, but it would certainly be easier than what I am facing now. Sleepless nights, wondering whether or not a big part of my family will die in days to come. Tyrion, I don't even know if that fool will make it. We fought, I begged, and nothing worked." You, you are capable. You are a warrior, and so are Theon and Jon. And I don't know what Tyrion is." I said. Robb knew how I felt about it. And he must suspect what I think of him not interfering and supporting me, and not Tyrion with his decision to go and fight with them.

"I remember when we were still strangers. We were married at the time, but we were still getting to know each other. And you told me more about your family. Tyrion, to be specific. You mentioned how you were angry that he never got the chance to be himself and be accepted at the same time." Robb said. Gods, I hate it when my own words corner me. Robb wasn't exactly using them against me, but I had a good idea what he was about to say." I understand why you see it the way you do. And I can't blame you for wanting to lock him up and keep him safe until this is all over. The thing is, Elena, he wants to be out there. And you are close to doing the same thing your father did time and time again." he said. There is no point in denying it. Everything Robb said is true. And I was horribly wrong.

"What you are saying is…" I started, desperate to find the right words and not sound angry at the same time." I should rather let my brother die the way he wants to, than to keep him alive the way I want to?" I asked. Would he do the same for Jon? That might have been a good argument if it wasn't Robb on the other side of the table. Yes, he would do the same for Jon. In fact, he is doing the same for Jon. Despite it all, Robb still goes out of his way when it comes to giving people their choices. And he respects them, even if he doesn't agree with them. That is one thing I should learn from him. No wonder he has the respect of his men. He really is a genuinely good man, and an even better King.

"Yes. I think that's exactly what you need to do." Robb said." Tyrion is a man grown. A brave and smart man at that. I believe he knows what he is doing. Maybe even better than the rest of us." He said.

"The problem is… Oh, there are too many problems to choose from." I corrected myself, and Robb smiled." I suppose… when I look at him, he is not a warrior. He is not a diplomat, he is not an ally. He's just my big brother. When I look at him, I feel like that little girl, like I'm back in King's Landing. Like I am still desperately searching for myself, and Tyrion is the only one who understands. And here I thought I left that little girl behind." I admitted, and it was not easy for me to do so. While there were almost no secrets at all between the two of us, some thoughts I kept for myself. Even after all this time. It took me quite a lot of bravery to say that to him, especially with the trouble between us. I didn't want to give him another weapon that he might use against me, but I also wanted to make him understand. One side had to win, and I hope I don't regret telling him this.

"I'm not sure if you will like what I am about to say, but… I don't think that girl will ever leave you." He said, a kind and understanding look on his face. He believes that, and so do I. It doesn't matter how hard I try not to look back, how hard I try to force a distance, that will always follow me. All those memories and insecurities and troubles, they will follow me. And apparently, unbeknown to me, everyone knew that. Even I did. The trouble is, I wasn't ready to admit it. Not to myself, not to anyone. That is, until Robb gave me no other choice.

"I suppose not." I admitted after I realized I was contemplating his words for too long." We all carry it, don't we?" I asked. We've talked about difficult things before, but this was something new for us. There was no hiding anymore. For the first time, we weren't friends; we weren't two children in love. We are a man and a woman, working together, talking in complete honesty, with no emotions holding as back from doing so. We were something between a couple and a King and Queen. And yet, we are both.

"Some more than others." He said, and I nodded. Aye, some more than others. And I lead the way.

"When are you leaving?" I asked him. We were not avoiding it. Quite the opposite, we were both aware that this might be our last night together. It truly is something difficult to comprehend.

"We have a few hours." He said.

"Do you need your rest? I could leave you be. Perhaps you need to be alone." I said. I had a feeling he does not want a heartbreaking goodbye from me. Neither one of us needs the theatricality of it, and the whole situation is difficult enough as it is.

There will be no goodbye kiss, no possible last night. It will be just like any other night in the Stark household.

"I might sleep for a while, but I would like you to stay with me." he said, and I nodded.

"Well, I have no better plans anyway." I said, and I felt a strange pride once he started laughing. I have no idea where we are now, but we are definitely improving. Hopefully, we will have even more time to improve. As he got up and walked over to the bed, I had to do my daily routine, and drink the potion. I was hoping he wouldn't notice, but it's not like Robb to let anything go unnoticed.

"What is that that you're drinking?" He asked as I drank the content from the small bottle. It was very sweet, almost too sweet. And yet it felt bitter at the same time.

I hesitated. The truth was a better solution. I would not feel guilty, and he would be very much involved. But I know he will try to convince me to stop drinking that. He wants us to have more children, he said so himself. He wouldn't like me meddling with it in any way. On the other hand, a lie was far more convenient. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. With everything that is going on, he doesn't need another problem he would try and solve. After all, I do not want Walder Frey to get his dirty paws on my child which is yet to be conceived. I am thinking ahead, for the good of our whole family. If Robb finds out that I lied to him, he will probably despise me.

"Just some sort of concoction that is supposed to raise my immunity." I lied, with a small smile on my face." I've been feeling under the weather lately, and the Maestar said it is supposed to help me. Not sure if it is, I must say." I said, and he gave me a smile, which was evidently more sincere that the one I gave him. He believed me; there was no reason for him not to. Why in the name of Gods would I lie about something like that?

Words can't describe the guilt I felt. I had a chance to escape it, to tell him everything, to confide in him, and do the right thing. And I didn't take it. I ignored it, and I pretended like nothing had happened.

I will deal with this myself, and it might just be the biggest mistake I ever made.

I said nothing, and neither did Robb. The silence was oddly calming, considering what was going on in my mind, and what the day ahead of us might bring.

It didn't take me long to simply empty my head of it all. While we are not planning on saying goodbye to one another, we were aware of the fact that this might be our last moments together. That is why it wasn't difficult for me to forget about the drama and the lying and the guilt that comes along with it. I just wanted my husband to hold me in his arms like he did.

We did not talk, we did not kiss. Other than the fact that he had his arms around me, and that my head was leaned on his chest, we seemingly did not even acknowledge each other, or the troubles that bothered us.

I couldn't sleep. Not now. It is too early and too much is going on. While this couldn't exactly be called spending quality time together, it is much better than me snoring by his side as he beats himself up with his troubles. I was a silent support. That is something I do best.

…

…

…

…

Once I opened my eyes, it did not take me long to realize that Robb left. They all left.

I did not get a chance to say my goodbyes. That was the way I wanted it to be, but right now, when I'm alone in the bed, I can't help but wonder whether or not that was a good idea after all.

I simply have too much to lose.

The more people you love, the weaker you are. I remember hearing those words from Cersei time and time again. I can't even remember if she was trying to teach me something at the time, or if she was simply being mean, like she usually was. I might not remember the occasions, but I do remember the meaning. And I don't think I understood it all until now.

I have too much to lose. Husband, brother, friends… my son is supposedly safe, but I can't rely even on that. We are risking it all, we are putting it all on the line, and when I think about it, I am not even sure why.

Why did we start this war? Joffrey isn't the legitimate heir of the throne? So what? Someone else could have dealt with it. We could have stayed in the North, completely unbothered, and someday, someone would inherit the throne after Joffrey. We have managed to avoid every single trouble, every obstacle. Ned lived, Sansa didn't end up married to that little prick, and we had a chance of leading a fairly peaceful life.

And we threw it all away? But, what for? Honor? Dignity? Because it is the right thing and it needs to be done? Because we are the only ones brave enough to do it?

While all of that seemed to be enough at the time, when I think about it now, it simply isn't worth it.

Once you roll the stone from a hill top, it will continue rolling for quite some time. We rolled the damned stone, and there was no turning back.

I can no longer stay in bed. There are things that need to be done.

As I washed my face, I met my own reflection in the mirror. Gods, have I changed.

I remembered looking at the mirror in my chambers back in King's Landing. How I was enraged by the fact that Elisa had to make me look presentable for people who I did not give a rat's ass about. How it made no difference to me how I wore my hair that day, or how much skin I was showing.

Those were childish worries, and at the time, I had no idea how much worse it could get. And now, I was living it! I did not see any wrinkles taking over my face before their time, but I certainly wasn't the Elena Lannister from my reflection back then. Now I looked unhealthy, tired, worn out. I looked ill. What made my appearance even worse at the moment was the fact that my hair was pulled back, so that I could wash my face. I pulled my hair back most of the time these days, but until now, I did not even notice just how much it emphasized my ill look.

I am drying up on the inside. I am more like a girl who never bled, not the mother of a strong and healthy boy! Growing up with my beautiful, ravishing sister always made me think lower of myself than I probably should have, but this was something different. Before, when I looked in the mirror, I would feel indifferent. It was just a reflection. An ordinary girl, in no way special, in no way different. Never painful to look at, but yet, never breathtaking. That is what I was used to seeing. For the first time, I was repulsed by the person staring back at me. Repulsed by myself.

No wonder Robb was slipping away from me. Not only have I changed as a person, but I looked nowhere near the girl I used to be. If I couldn't even recognize myself, how coud he?

I could not look at the monster in the mirror for a second longer. I stepped away from it, but that was not enough. I had to change. I had to bring back the Elena they all knew and loved. I had to do it, no matter the price. I had to, I was left with no other option!

I looked even worse now that I was on the verge of tears. Before I was aware of my own movements, I pushed the mirror away from me. The noise it made was horrible, but not worse than seeing tiny bits of my face in the glass pieces that were now scattered on the floor. I ignored the slight burning in my arms, knowing that I had probably cut myself while destroying the monster that was looking back at me. It didn't matter anymore.

"Elena?!" I heard a shout even before I saw him. Gendry. He charged into the tent, his sword already drawn out and ready to slay any villain that was attacking me. It didn't take him long to realize that there was no one to slay. I was not in danger. Well, at least not that he was aware of. "What happened?" He asked and walked over to me, not waiting for a response. He looked at my hands, and for the first time, so did I. There was far more blood than I had expected.

"I accidentally pushed the mirror and it fell over." I said, hoping it was believable enough. There were very few people who could look at me and know if I was bluffing or not, and Gendry was one of them. He would have seen right through me had he bothered to look. But he was too focused on my injuries. "I'll go get the Maestar." He said, and stormed out of the tent. I did not move. Even now, when I was left alone in my chambers again, I couldn't focus on anything. The reason was simple. I wasn't alone. Not really. I might have destroyed the mirror, but the monster in my reflection was still very much alive. I was not alone.