CATELYN
Not knowing is the worst part of this all, by far. Not knowing is so horrible that I would rather learn that my son died, than not know what has happened to him.
I have faith in him. I know he will return. Perhaps it is a mother's instinct, but I know he will return. I can only hope that he returns unharmed, and a victor. Even if he returned as a coward, if he ran and hid until it was all over, I would still be relieved that he returned at all.
Gods only know how long we will have to wait. Time is torturing as all, Elena and I more than anyone else. It is as if time had slowed down, for no reason other than to keep us on the edge.
I turned to look at Elena. The poor thing looked as if she is about to faint, despite how strong she is. Everyone has their week moments, and I believe this was hers. Nevertheless, she did not say a single word. She did not complain and she did her best to hide it. To someone who might not pay as much attention as I do, she would have looked normal. I understand why she is keeping her emotions locked, but I cannot be sure whether or not that is good. While it may help her now, I can't help but worry in what condition she will be in once she finally sets them free.
"How are your hands?" The boy, Gendry, asked her. Their friendship really was something special. I could see that even before we started this journey. She confided in him, and she relied on him too. When she spoke about him, she spoke kind words. It was touching to see them like this. Gendry was, in a way, her guard, and now it was clear just how much he cares for her. Even now, I could see the care in his eyes when he asked her if she is in pain. And he risked quite a lot with that question. Elena does not take it well when someone tries to take care of her in any way. She is too headstrong for that.
"Gendry, I have told you, I am not in pain." She said. I could not tell whether that was a lie or not, but even if it was a lie, there was no use in pushing it further. She will not complain. The last thing we need now was for her to be injured, but it was a simple accident. Whatever she says, she will handle it. I can only imagine how bothered she will be when Robb returns and pays too much intention to it.
Robb. What is he doing? What are we doing? Risking our lives for nothing. We are putting our whole family at risk because no one else will. We are stupid, all of us.
They should have been back already. We knew it, but no one said it. Gendry, Elena, Ser Rodrik and I all rode out to wait for them.
When we left, we all knew this was not going to be easy. We all knew this was not going to be fast, as well as that we might not return after all. It truly does not matter how well prepared you are, or whether or not you know what to expect. It makes no difference. Time will still pass very slowly, you will still miss half of your family, and you will wonder if it was even worth it.
SANSA
The silence bothered me.
Looking through the window, I could see that the snow is still falling. Slowly, almost effortlessly. And yet, it stayed on the ground. It didn't melt. Even the weak can have some stamina.
Winterfell looked like a ghost town. I had never seen it emptier than it was now. Most of the men were gone. Most of my family was gone as well. And it is frightening.
Before, there was always some noise. A shout or a racket. Anything. And now I think I could hear a pin drop. I wish it were just that, but it's not. We are quiet as well. While Arya and I never were close enough to tell each other everything, now we were barely speaking to one another. Father wasn't any more talkative than us, and Rickard, well; he never really was a loud child.
The silence bothered me more than I could say.
I do not know how long they've been gone. I doubt they know it. Days, weeks, months. Simply put, they've been away for too long. No other time measurement is needed.
My brothers, my sister, my mother… they'll all in danger. Everyone is in danger but they are on the front lines and we… We sleep peacefully in our warm chambers, blissfully unaware of the horrors they might be facing.
They send letters often, but those that I get to read are not really eventful. I have a suspicion that Father gets far more detailed descriptions of the plans ahead of them.
What would I do with them anyway? I'm to daft too understand them and too useless in these times. If I read that all of them are alive and well, I'm happy. I'm relieved. While that is a feeling I enjoy with all my hard, it still doesn't overshadow the uselessness as much as I would want it too.
Even Arya would be a more worthy asset. Nonetheless, she did not join them, but there is something that I find incredibly defeating in the fact that my little sister will be of more use than I ever could.
It was always the sewing. I have spent countless of hours working on my elegance, on my curtsy. Ever since I was old enough to understand what will be expected of me, I did everything I could. I was training myself to become the perfect bride. To be a beautiful little lady, and someday, even a Queen.
It makes me sick to my stomach to realize how close I was to it. I did not see in time, I did not listen, and by the end of it, it was almost too late. I have barely avoided a horrible future. While it still scares me to even look back on it, I have learned valuable lessons.
I was blinded. I allowed myself to be infatuated by nothing more than appearance. And it wasn't even the physical appearance. It was the crown that was going to be on his head.
Servant, Princess, Lady, Whore, Wife, Maiden, Queen. Child, aunt, sister, mother. It doesn't matter. We are all equals when our time comes. We all die. The only thing of any importance is whether or not we have done something good during our time. Something worth remembering. Something honorable.
I have done nothing, and my family has started a war. Hopefully, it is not too late for me.
There was a knock on the door. I wanted to ignore it, but I knew that I shouldn't.
"Come in." I said, still not looking away from the window. The snow is not melting just yet. Even the weak have stamina. I can only hope that counts for me as well. I turned around; not knowing who it was that entered the room. It was Father. He had a small smile on his face. That was his own personal effort. He tries to do it every day. With me, Arya, Bran, Rickon… with all of us. He tries to hide his troubles, to keep us safe from them. It doesn't work on me and I doubt it works on the rest of them. Perhaps Rickon, he is still too understand. But understanding this war is something different than seeing our Father worried. None of us truly understand this war. I doubt that even Father, Mother and Robb do.
"Good morning Father." I said with a small smile, pretending not to notice his pretend. It's simpler this way. Easier for the both of us. Gods only know how long that will last.
"Good morning." He said with a smile." I wanted to see you before lunch. There is a letter for you. I believe it is from Robb." He said, and handed me the scroll." I will leave you to it." He said.
"Father, stop." I murmured as he was just about to leave the chambers. He turned to me and he waited.
It was difficult to find the right words. To choose the right questions to ask. The look he was giving me now reminded me so much of the look he gave me when we were there, in King's Landing. When I was a spoilt little brat who didn't appreciate him as much as he deserved. He lied so that he could keep us all alive. I am not worthy of his company." Are we doing the right thing?" I asked, my voice low and flat, almost emotionless." Is it even worthy?" I asked.
"I ask myself that every day." He said. I felt a strange sense of relief. If he has his doubts, than it is fine that I have mine as well? I am not a traitor than, am I? I believe in my family, I believe in Robb, I believe that we will win this war. But questioning it completely? It is safe to say I am glad I am not the only one." We can't go back Sansa. Not now, not ever. If we turn and run away, we are all dead." He said. The tone of his voice carried through the chambers. The surrounding silence only made it worse." If we keep fighting, we might just live." He added. We might just live. Is that the best we can hope for?
"It's horrible." I whispered. There is no use in pretending. No one expects me to be brave, least of all my Father. I'm a little girl who knows next to nothing about life in war. If I pretend that I do, I am just making a fool of myself. I would like to keep that little dignity that I still have.
"Dark and difficult times lie ahead for the House Stark." he said, slowly walking up to me. His leg was still troubling him, and he still walked with a limp. That limp might just save his life. Jaime Lannister might have unknowingly saved my father's life. If he were healthy, he would be fighting right now, with Robb. How selfish is it that I am glad to have him here? He caressed my face, again smiling with that kind smile of his." But winter is coming. And Starks can handle their winter." He said.
I couldn't help but smile. I remember Mother telling me something similar before we made our way to King's Landing. I have always believed in that and now is not the time to stop believing.
House Stark will prevail.
"Thank you Father." I whispered to him. I know he could understand what I mean. He reassured me in the time when reassurance was needed. He reassured me back then, he reassured me now.
"Any time. Well, I'm going to see your nephew now. Care to join me?" He asked.
"I will join you later. I would like to read the letter now." I said, and with a smile, he left my chambers.
I did not waste time. Whoever wrote to me, I needed to read it at once. Father was wrong. It might have been the Stark sigil, but it was Elena who wrote the letter; I recognized her writing.
Dearest Sansa,
I hope you are doing well. And as I do know you, I am also hoping that you are not worrying any more than you should.
I understand that it is only natural, and I cannot blame you for it. If I were in your place, I would have been the same, perhaps even worse.
While I am the first to fight against inequality between males and females, in times like these, I feel as if I should take back my own words. Westeros is at war. In times like these, we need our men in the fronts and our women waiting. I am aware of how weak that makes us sound, and once again, while I do not agree with that portrayal at all times, I had a chance to see firsthand that we are as important as men are. As it's said, someone needs to hold the forth. Someone needs to wait, if not for anything else, than because they need something to get back to.
I, as well, need something to come back to. Knowing that my son is in Lord Eddard's care provides a relief I am more than happy to have. Knowing that you are looking after him makes it even better.
It is not easy. It frightens me beyond belief that my son might not recognize me if and when I return, and I keep reminding myself that that is for the best. We left him in order to protect him. Yes, we might have done the right thing, but that does not make it any easier.
I beg of you, keep him safe. Keep him safe until the day I return. And if I don't… well, if I don't return, I can only hope that he turns out to be half as good as you are.
I am aware that you want to have some information, and I am more than happy to give it to you. As you probably already know, we have managed to cross the Trident. Crossing it on the Twins has cost us a high price, but we will pay it when the time comes, one way or another. By the time you read this, the battle will probably be over, but as I am writing this, we are days away from Riverrun.
Robb is strong and he is smart. I would say he is handling this well, as much as anyone would. On the other hand, your Mother… Gods, that is the bravest woman I have ever met. I am aware that she is not enjoying this one bit, but the resolve and strength in her completely hide it away. Jon is, as always, very quiet. I would call him determined. And I would definitely say that he's more than happy to be her, to help us, and not harbored away at the wall. Gendry, as expected, is missing Arya deeply. I am guessing she already knows that. It would be nice to have a wedding to look forward to when this is over.
Speaking of weddings, my brother is fine as well. I am not aware on whether or not you have changed your mind, but you should know that either way, you will always be my sister.
And I… Well, I am well. I do not have one bit of your Mother's strength, but I am somehow managing to get up, day after day, and do what needs to be done. If everyone else is doing it, why should I be any different?
Robb and I both miss our son. I can only hope that we will get an opportunity to return to Winterfell soon enough. Perhaps just one of us, perhaps only for a few days. Anything is better than nothing.
I love you, my dearest Sansa, with all my heart. Hold the forth for us. We are going to need it when we return.
Love, Elena.
As I put the letter down on the table, I couldn't help but wonder if Elena was speaking the truth. I know she wouldn't lie to me about our progress, so I don't have any doubts about that. What I do wonder about however is whether or not she really does believe that women's duties are as important as men's are. Elena is the type of person who either doesn't lie, or doesn't like to lie and avoids it if she can. She said so herself, and I've witnessed it countless times. On the other hand, Elena is someone who would do anything for her family. Anything that needs to be done, she would do it, no question about it. If she needs to tell me a little story to make me feel better, she wouldn't even blink. What's a little white lie if it means that it will give me some piece of mind?
If she has done it, she has done it for my best interest. And I appreciate that. I'm thankful for it because it did bring some slight reassurance. And yet, I can't help but wonder. Does she really mean it?
ELENA
They were supposed to be back by now.
It might have been slightly difficult than we have initially predicted it to be. My father might have seen through our plan and surprised them on the battlefield. Jaime's army might have killed them all. Half of them might have run away.
I could think of hundreds, thousands of reasons why they're not back yet. Each reason was worse than the last one, of course. Why keep it simple when you can complicate it to the maximum?
At least one of them would have made it. One of them could have made his way to us and tell as to run North and don't look back. That was an option I have prepared myself for. We're in a war. Nothing should surprise you, and nothing will.
It is safe to say that I did not expect this. Knowing absolutely nothing. In all honesty, I think I would rather deal with the prospect of Robb's, Jon's or Tyrion's death on the battlefield than this. As horrible as it would be and as much as I would be destroyed if that were to happen, at least I would know.
I would know, and I would have some sort of general idea on what we were supposed to do. But this? The not knowing? It's slowly destroying me, completely devouring me on the inside. I did not have to look at Catelyn to know I wasn't the only one.
As soon as the Maestar took care of my wounds, we got ready and we rode out ahead of the small part of the army that was still in camp. They were prepared for anything, but Catelyn and I both agreed that we could not and will not sit idly in the tent and wait for some news.
We've been her for hours now. My back was starting to hurt, but I ignored it, as well as the slight burning sensation that covered my arms.
Luckily, no one asked any questions. Knocking over a mirror wasn't an unusual accident. It doesn't happen every day, but there was nothing suspicious about it. I was lucky. If I could go back in time to that very moment, I wouldn't have done it again. Yet, I didn't feel particulary guilty about it. I had to do something. I couldn't look at myself any longer. It's just that I didn't step away, but I broke the mirror.
I wonder how much time should pass before we should turn around and go. I wonder if I am even capable of doing that.
Gendry was staring at me, I could feel it. After everything that he and I have went through together, we have finally encountered something we've never encountered before. I kept telling myself that it is only natural, and that I shouldn't be surprised with his actions, but his worry and his staring only annoyed me. Ser Rodrick wasn't any better either. The only difference was that he was looking at Catelyn, and not at me. Neither one of us wanted to acknowledge them in any way.
"We should go, My Lady." Ser Rodrick said. I was not surprised that he was speaking to Catelyn and not me. I may hold the title, I may even have their respect, but Catelyn was still a forced to be reckoned with. It didn't bother me at all. She is the real Queen. I only hold the title.
"No!" She said without even considering the options, and I was glad she did. I did not wish to be the irrational one, the one who held everyone back. Luckily, a mother's love is stronger than anything else.
"My Lady!" Ser Rodrick insisted. Catelyn turned to look at me. I could see it in her eyes. She did not know what she is supposed to do. And neither did I. The logical part of me told me to turn and go back to the camp, get ready to flee. It was only rational. Save ourselves and do the best to save the rest of the family. On the other hand, the wife in me did not want to move at all. The girl in love did not even consider turning away and in some way, abandoning the father of her child.
Catelyn was having the same dilemma I did. She knew what was the right thing that needed to be done, but the mother in her did not want to move one inch.
I was frightened that she will leave and make me leave as well. She was always more rational than I ever was. She was looking straight into my eyes, and I shook my head. I am not ready to do that. I can't. No matter the consequences, I can't. And I was silently begging her not to leave me alone.
Then we heard it. First it was the sound of hooves hitting the ground hard. It did not mean anything. It might as well be my brother's army coming to kill us all.
Without any hesitation, men came charging through the woods in front of us. They were riding fast and as hard as I tried, I couldn't recognize any of their faces. They could be our men and they could just as easily be our enemies. I was confused until I saw two banners, standing high and proud, flapping away in the wind. Those were our banners.
I could see him now. He was riding in the front on his white horse, pride and honor radiating from him. The sound Catelyn made was the same sound I would make if I was able to. Tears filled my eyes as I watched my husband riding towards us. He was alive. He did it.
Once that weight was lifted off my shoulders, I started looking at the other men behind him. I almost smiled when I saw Theon. There are days when I hate that man, but I am more than happy that he is back in one piece.
Jon was riding by Robb's side. Of course, he had that frown of his plastered on his face. But he was also back in one piece. The only one I had to find now was my brother.
I almost laughed out loud once I saw him. Tyrion looked as if he didn't know what hit him. While I am sure that he proved himself to be valuable in a battle, I have a slight doubt I might not be saying goodbye to him anymore. It wouldn't be out of character for him. I spent years with him, and one thing I know all too well. Tyrion may try everything at least once, but some things he won't try for the second time. I had my hopes up that war was in fact one of those things.
Catelyn and I both got of our horses once they were close. It took all the strength I had not to come running towards them and hug them to their death. If I wasn't in some light state of shock, I probably would have no control over my actions at all. Luckily for Robb, I had managed to calm myself.
He turned and said something to Jon once they got off their horses. While I knew that I shouldn't expect to have a heath felt meeting in front of everyone, I was surprised when Robb did not approach me at all. He stayed back, and stared at me. There was something strange in his eyes, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not identify it, not in this few seconds that I had.
I did not hide my surprise when Jon was the one who approached me. He and Catelyn exchanged a nod, which is something quite surprising considering that when I first met them they completely and uterrly despised each other. I wasn't the only one confused. As I was hugging Jon, my eyes dashed between Catelyn and Robb, who were looking at each other. Catelyn wanted an explanation and so did I.
Jon pulled away from the hug far too soon. Whatever it is that is going on, it is not right. I can feel it in my bones. Something very, very bad has happened or it's just about to happen. They are trying to find a way to deliver the news of it to me.
I looked at them once again. They were all fine. Other than the fact that they are dirty and that their amours were covered in blood, all of them were fine. Robb, Jon, Tyrion, even Theon!
"Elena, come with me." Jon said in a low voice so that no one other than me could hear him. I doubt even Catelyn heared what he said. He should have known better. I am not going anywhere until I find out what is this about. I looked at him, not moving an inch, even though he grabbed me under the arm. I suppose he's prepared to drag me away, but that only makes me more determined to stay here. I looked away from him and to Robb. He did not say a word, and yet, he kept looking straight at me. Guilt? Is it guilt what I'm seeing? Why on Earth…? I looked to Tyrion, and his reaction surprised me more than anyone else's. For the first time in my entire existence, Tyrion avoided looking at me. I have never seen him avoid anyone, let alone me. He never looked away. Never. He was looking away now.
"I'm not going anywhere." I whispered to Jon, my voice firm and strong and yet quiet. I did not want to cause a scene. And I never was someone who cared about what everyone else thinks.
"Elena, trust me, you do not want to see this." He said, as persistent as I was. I am not moving. They can drag me away, they can beat me unconscious, but I am not going away with my free will.
As soon as I wondered what could be so bad that they wouldn't want me to see it, I saw it. I had imagined bloody corpses; heads on spikes, guts pouring out of dead men, crows feasting on them… my imagination was running wild. No matter how unpleasant all that might be, I could handle it. I might vomit once I was alone, but at this very moment, I could handle it. Robb knew that.
Oh, how wrong I was. What I saw was worse than all those horrors I imagined. They were right, for trying to get me out of the way. I finally understood what this was all about. They weren't going to hide it from me, but they did not want me to see it just yet. I hate to admit it, but they were probably right.
It was Jaime.
Just a regular author's note for the end of this one. Thanks for bearing with me :) I've decided that we need more insight on what's going on in Winterfell, besides the camp drama. I'll need to rewatch a lot of GOT episodes, which isn't something I'm looking forward to, considering that season 5 is out and about. Oh well, I'll do what needs to be done. Anyways, we'll see in the next chapter how will Elena handle the Jaime thing, how Robb feels about it and whether or not she will be able to forgive him. I'll update again in a couple of days :)