Same old, same old. Hope you like this one :)
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At least no one is watching you.
No matter how bad you are at it, how horrible you wield a sword, no one will see your embarrassment. Besides, I know how to handle a bow. I can't be good at everything. I shouldn't be good at everything. That is not natural. And if nothing else, it's no fun.
You'll always have your bow. If you are bad with a sword, you will always have your bow.
I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, opened my eyes once again, gritted my teeth and started charging towards the dummy. I did not even get the chance to strike it. Somehow, I have managed to stumble over the skirt of my dress. I almost fell down. I don't know how in the name of Gods I have managed to stay on my two feet, and not break my face on the ground under me. Had the sword been a real one, and not wooden, I could have killed myself! I am most certainly not good with a sword.
I was glaring at the wooden sword in my hands when I hear the last thing I wanted to hear right now: laughter. Someone had to be there. How lovely. To make things worse, it's a man. Tyrion would hide his laugh from me. Gendry, on the other hand, would laugh straight in my face, but that would be different. He's no better with a sword than I am, and he even makes them! I am in the training part of the Royal Courtyard. It had to be someone from the Kingsguard. And that made this whole ordeal even worse.
I did not wish to turn around and face the humiliation. If I pretend not to heat them, they might disappear.
Not even a Lannister was safe here. Here, a Lannister or a peasant, a woman or a man, you are fair game. If you fail miserably, you will be laughed at. If you succeed, you will probably earn a few approving nods. As I was about to be ridiculed, the only thing I could do was to ignore them.
"I must say, I have expected more from you." I heard the man say. I would recognize that measured tone everywhere. It made me laugh to realize just how arrogant he sounds. And he truly is incredibly arrogant.
Ser Jaime Lannister. A Knight. Son of Tywin Lannister. Queen's twin brother. The young lion. Kingslayer.
And yet for me, he was nothing other than a big brother.
"Perhaps I would be a whole lot better if my talented brother cared enough to help me." I said as I turned around to look at him. As always. Prideful, gorgeous, tall, strong, intimidating and arrogant." Sadly, he does not care enough for me. He prefers to spend his days on the road rather than here." I added.
"Well, in that case, you'd be glad to hear that I'm not going anywhere for quite a while." He said. I managed to stay serious for only a couple of seconds before a smiled at him. I threw the wooden sword on the ground and made my way towards Jaime, my pace increasing with each steep I took. In a matter of seconds, I was in his arms.
We never were as close as Tyrion and I were, but we did share a special bond. Without a doubt, he was closer to Cersie. He's closer to her than to any of us. Which shouldn't really be a surprise, since they are twins and they are the eldest. Unlike Cersie, Jaime never had a problem with me. And I was more than happy with the fact that he did not let Cersie's opinion of me influence his own.
Again, we are not as close as Tyrion and I are, but we are close enough for me to know that my big brother will protect me, and that I could rely on him.
"Gods, I have missed you." I admitted as I was pulling away from his hug." Are you really staying for a while?" I asked him. Days tend to pass slowly here in King's Landing. In all honesty, they pass even slower in Casterly Rock. I suppose I shouldn't be the one to complain.
Jaime's presence will be a good change, that is certain. I did not have the luxury of being in Gendry's company whenever I wanted to, and I was slightly afraid that a day will come when Tyrion and I would get completely sick of each other. Of course, chances are that Jaime won't have nearly as much free time as I will, but at least I have more options that I did before.
"That is the plan." He said with a smile." Elena, though I would like to assist you in your completely illogical quest of learning how to fight with a sword, I'm afraid that I don't have the time to do that today." He said, and I frowned at his overly formal words.
"Why the fuck are you talking like that?" I asked, and he burst out laughing.
"Oh dear. I'm afraid you shouldn't be talking like that." He said, though he was still laughing. I shrugged.
"I do not see why not. Who cares what I have to say? The ones who do listen will have a laugh, and the ones who it might bother, they are not even paying attention." I said, and Jaime raised his brows, as if he was telling me that I am not right about it." Oh please, Robert's too drunk to notice anything, Cersei despises me with all her heart and Father doesn't give a damn if you haven't got gorgeous blonde hair and an appropriate height." I said, slightly angry with him. It's one thing being Father's favorite but it is something completely different to pretend not to notice. This whole act he just played makes me feel daft. It is as if I was too stupid to notice something that obvious. Jaime should know better.
"You are on fire today, I see." He said and I rolled my eyes." Look, I have to go and get some rest. We have the feast tonight. We will talk there, and we will talk some more tomorrow. Alright?" He asked.
"I'd be more than happy to join you tomorrow, but I will not be going to the feast." I said.
"It's Joffrey's name day." He said, each word measured. He still does not get it, it seems to me.
"Precisely." I said, and now he was the one who rolled his eyes." Why would I go there and pretend to have fun when I can be alone and perhaps do something far more productive? And in all honesty, I doubt the party will die without my presence." I added. No one even wants me there! And I do not want to be there! I can eat and drink in my own chambers and there, I do not have to feel the judgmental looks plastered on me. Besides, I have plans for tonight, though I was not about to tell Jaime about that one. The whole Red Keep will be crowded and filled with noise and everyone will be drunk. That makes a perfect opportunity for me to exit the castle and return unnoticed in a couple of hours. I do not have much trouble on regular nights, but this will only be easier. Sadly, I couldn't give that excuse to Jaime. If he knew I was sneaking out to meet a boy, he would kill him, perhaps even me too. There is no chance that Jaime would even give me a chance to explain that Gendry is a friend and not a secret lover.
"If not for anyone else, do it for me. Be there tonight. Please." He said. Gods, why does he do that? He makes me change my mind simply because he plays on the fact that I truly missed him. I did not give him an answer as I did not have one. I just sighed and walked away. He and his damned powers.
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Elisa might not understand my sense of humor, but that woman is incredible. Once I told her that I in fact, was going to attend the feast tonight, I mentioned to her to choose a dress she would find appropriate for a funeral. And here I am, staring into my reflection, as perfect as I can actually be, with plenty of effort, in a black dress.
I don't even know why I'm going. Yes, Jaime made me, but that one could be easily ignored.
Either way, I do not plan on staying for too long. I still want to make use of the distraction and sneak out to see Gendry. Perhaps I will even come bearing gifts for him. Yes, that is not a bad idea at all.
I was hoping to go unnoticed. To quietly sneak out on the terrace, and take my seat without anyone noticing me. I almost managed to do that. I was half way there when I realized that people were staring at me. I was lucky, most of them were far more interested in their conversations and drinks. I still had more attention on me than I would like.
"Look who decided to join in on the party." Tyrion commentated as I was walking behind him. I wanted to smack him on the head, but I knew better. I have approached King Robert, simply because it is downright rude to acknowledge anyone else before him. He didn't even look at me. Just as I suspected, he was already drunk as he can be. I approached Joffrey, and he got up with a smirk on his face.
"Happy name day, dear nephew." I said with a kind smile, desperately trying to imagine that Joffrey is still a child. Even then he wasn't exactly my favorite, but I liked him much more than I do now. I just imagined that I was hugging a little boy, and not that prick.
"Thank you, Aunt Elena. I'm very glad you could join us." He said. Like I would ever believe that.
"I wouldn't miss this for anything." I said with such a kind smile that I even convinced myself I mean it.
Not wanting to push this incredibly uncomfortable conversation any further, I went back and took my seat between Tyrion and Jaime. At least this whole night will be slightly more bearable if they are next to me, and not someone else. I didn't even sit down and Tyrion was already pouring wine in my goblet.
"You'll need it." He said, and I nodded. If I carry on at this rate, I'll be drunk as he is on a daily basis.
"Both of you are over reacting, yet again." Jaime said. This is going to be a long, long night.
"Jaime, I'm sorry, but we are not overreacting." I said. I foolishly had hope that this will be the end of it, that we will not continue this conversation tonight, but Tyrion already had too much wine in him.
"Dearest Elena, he doesn't understand it now and he never will." Tyrion told me. I wish I could tell him to stop talking, but he was speaking the truth. Jaime does not understand. All he knows is how to be Father's favorite. He has never been on the other side, the side that Tyrion and I permanently inhabit." He doesn't know what it's like to be disliked by your own blood." He added.
"And yet I love you both." Jaime said, almost yelled. He's annoyed, and I understand why. While Tyrion and I share the same opinion, Tyrion is the one who's usually more vocal about it than I have ever been. I would probably be as annoyed as Jaime is, if Tyrion and I didn't share the same fate.
"Stop it, both of you." I hissed, not wanting to draw any more attention than we already had." Do not make me regret joining you even more than I already do." I said. It's bad enough as it is. The last thing I want is to get into a fight with the only family members I actually like.
I am not sure how, but I have managed to shut them up. I might even enjoy the feast. The food is good and the wine is even better. Even the music is nice. As long as I don't listen to the conversations around me, I might enjoy this night. That is why I completely ignored Robert's drunken shouts. His laughter, on the other hand, I could not ignore, since the whole table was shaking. For our standards, this is a good night. Hopefully it will continue that way until I get a chance to escape.
That was, of course, wishful thinking. The optimism lasted until I recognized the music that was playing. I turned to look at Tyrion. He had the same expression I imagine is on my face as well.
"They must be joking." I whispered. They are not. They were playing Rains of Castamere.
Robert was too drunk to notice, or else he would probably break this table in half. And Cersei had a smirk on her face. Jaime looked like he hadn't even noticed, which is something I highly doubt.
I would recognize that song on my death bed. It was played countless times through my childhood. On every feast at Casterly Rock and on occasions even here, in King's Landing. It felt as if my house had spat in the face of House Baratheon. That is, simply, wrong.
"Where are you going?" Jaime asked me once he noticed that in a second, I was swiftly up on my feet.
"Away from here. I did my time." I announced, and without a second glance to anyone in the hall, I made my way towards the door. It's no wonder people call us vain and full of ourselves. No wonder at all.
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He was looking at me even before I noticed that he was here. Theon was the one who held him and ushered him to keep moving. I cannot see from here, but I suspect his hands are tied behind his back.
His eyes did not leave me, not one step of the way. Neither had mine his.
This is what we became. From a close pair of siblings, we are now fighting for opposite sides, for different goals, for right and for wrong. Times change, and even worse, we change as well. It was not his looks that made me see him that he was a different person. He looked horrible, of course. I have never seen him in worse shape than he was now. Bloody, dirty, weak. Defeated. He was, more than anything else, defeated. Despite all of that, it was his eyes that made me see a different person than he was before. He wasn't a brother, he wasn't the Kingslayer and he wasn't even the person who begged me for forgiveness before I left, one and for all. He has changed, yet again.
I remember his letter now very clearly. How he wrote to me, tried to convince me he does not want this war to happen. Now I realize he just didn't want to lose.
I did not know where to look. At Jon, who was still trying to find a way to push me away from here? At Catelyn, who was looking at me and then at Jaime, trying to comprehend what she is supposed to do or say? At Robb, who was still staring at me with a mixture of guilt and anticipation? Or at Jaime, who was pushed on his knees in front of them, and still, he kept looking at me?
The only reason I have managed to keep my emotions under control was because I had absolutely no idea what in the name of Gods I was feeling. The only identifiable emotion was confusion.
"By the time they knew what was happening it had already happened." Robb said, apparently speaking to no one in particular, but he was no longer looking at me. Jaime's eyes still didn't leave me.
"Elena." He said in a low voice, ignoring everyone else.
That was it. I couldn't take it any longer.
It took all the strength I had to keep a steady pace and not break into a run when I started walking away from the whole scene.
Jon was right. I did not want to see that. I was not prepared to see that. Had I been aware that there was a chance of seeing my brother, it is possible that I could handle the situation with more dignity than I did now. They had caught me off guard, unprepared.
I had forgotten about something. With all that has happened in the meantime, I have forgotten something that I realized a long time ago, when a war was just a thought and not a solid plan.
There is no possible chance of me winning this war. My side, perhaps. Me? In no way is it possible. Whether I would like to admit it or not, Jaime is my family. So is Tywin, so is Cersei, even Joffrey! They are my blood. That doesn't change the fact that I want us to defeat them. Oh no, they deserve whatever gets to them. It's just that I wasn't prepared on the affections it will have on me.
"Jon, please, leave me be." I said, not even turning around to see if he is following me or not. I knew he was, even if I couldn't hear him." Jon, please." I said. Realizing that it was probably useless, I stopped and turned to face him. Of course, I was right, and he was right on my heel.
"Jon, listen to me." I said, slowly and clearly, hoping that he might realize that I am not about to explode if I sound calm enough." It is alright. I am alright. I need to be alone for a little while and I then I need to speak to Robb. But I am fine." I said. He did not look convinced. I took one step closer to him, put my hands on his shoulders and even managed a small smile." Jon, I mean it. I know when I'm going to have an emotional outburst, and this is not one of those times. I'm too happy about you all coming back in one piece to think too much about anything else." I said. And I was speaking the truth. Of course, I am still very much in shock and I cannot be sure how I will react once the shock is over. But for now, I am fine. I will not break any mirrors or set fire to something. I just need to be alone. Alone or with Robb.
"Are you certain?" Jon asked, and I nodded. I was slowly backing away from him, expecting him to change his mind again. It's odd that I managed to convince him to leave me as fast as I did. Perhaps he was scared of being in a presence of a vining woman. No, it's not that. Jon could handle me, no matter how bad my mood is. It doesn't even matter really. I just want to be alone, and I will be.
Jaime is held captive. By us. And I don't even know what has happened at the other front. Robb clearly won this battle, but did anyone manage to survive my father?
Oh Gods, my father. He will rip us all apart and feed us to dogs when he finds out about us capturing his favorite son. That is, of course, if he manages to get to us first.
He never wanted Jaime to be a part of the Kingsguard. It's quite simple actually. Jaime can't marry, and he, theoretically, can't have children of his own. Of course, he broke that vow, but I highly doubt that father is happy about that, if he even knows. Knowing him, he is probably in denial. Either way, his son is not able to carry on the family name, or to inherit Casterly Rock. Cersei is married, as am I, and we both belong to other houses, even if Cersei is a Baratheon only on paper. That leaves him with just Tyrion. And there is one thing I know for certain. Father did not want Tyrion as his successor.
It's even worse now. His daughter might be the Queen, but his favorite son is held captive by the husband of his rebel daughter. He doesn't even have Tyrion anymore.
To this day, I do not completely understand why he decided to marry me to Robb. He had some sort of plan, but Gods did that went back on him… he wanted to prevent a war, not start one. And he made a big mistake. Since I was born, he's been doing me wrong, and that will lead him to his grave.
And here I am. I'm not even happy. I can't possibly be happy, and that makes me an even bigger idiot than them all. I look at a Kingslayar, at a traitor, at someone who threatened to kill my husband, at someone who probably tried incredibly hard to kill my husband, and I can just see my brother. After all these years, I look at him, and I see nothing more than my big brother.
I should have stayed back at Winterfell. I see that now. We were all under the impression that I will be able to help in some ways, but I did nothing. If we get to Renly, I might be able to actually prove my worth, but at this point, it would have been better for all of us if I have just stayed home.
Seven Hells, I wasn't even a good wife here! Now that I can see the mistakes I've made, knowing that I can't possibly do anything to make it better is the worst part of it all.
I can't go back now. I have made me choices and I will have to live with them. Just as I am living with the fact that I did everything to bring Eddard home. If it backfires on me as well as it did on my father, I will have no other options but to live with it.
"Elena?" Robb called. His voice brought me back to reality. In a moment, in just one simple moment, I have forgotten about everything else. Myself, my brother, my father, everything. And I can only think of whether or not Robb is alright. And that he did, in fact, returned to me.
"Are you alright?" I asked as I rushed over to him. I started eyeing him over, trying to find cuts or bruises but I couldn't see anything as of yet. After all, he was still in his armor.
"I'm fine." He waved it off, like it wasn't even important." Elena, listen to me. It was…" he started, and now I was the one waving it over.
"Stop talking and let me see if you are alright." I talked over him. He looked dumbfounded, but I was on a mission of my own. I grabbed a couple of cloths in one hand, and a bowl of warm water in the other. Robb was smart enough to let me do my thing. So he said nothing as I started cleaning his face from all the dirt." Are you injured in any way?" I asked. I know very well that he wouldn't have a problem pretending to be fine in order to keep me calm. Now I needed honesty and not protection.
"I really am fine." He said, looking straight into my eyes with that look of his. And once again, I was too uncomfortable with it. He looks at me like he can see my soul, my thoughts, however stupid that may sound. On a regular day, I don't really have a problem with it. On the other hand, on days like these, when I change at least fifty emotions during one morning, it scares the living daylight out of me." I suppose my muscles will be sore tomorrow, but I'm fine now." He said.
"Good." I said as I was still trying to wipe away the dirt from his face and still be gentle at the same time.
"Elena, we had too." He said. Of course he insists on talking about it. There is no way he would just let me ignore it. At least I am busy enough not to look in his eyes." He killed at least ten of our people. He's worth to us more alive than dead. He's worth a lot. I know he's your brother, but it had to be done."
With all that is going on inside my head, not once did I think that Robb made the wrong call. Not once did I think that he had made a mistake and that he shouldn't have captured Jaime. I understand why he did what he did. And I need to let him know, since he apparently has his doubts.
"Robb, you need to understand something." I said as I put down the cloth. I started taking of his armor. Or, trying to take of his armor. I still have troubles with lacing dresses, let alone this. "Not so long ago, he wrote to me and said that he will bring me your head." I whispered, and I finally managed to look in his eyes." And if he had a chance to do it, he would, I am sure of it. I would much rather have him captured than have you dead."
He stared at me for a few moments before he moved. Then, his lips crashed on mine. Strangely enough, it's been quite some time since we kissed, and yet, it seemed as if we have never stopped.
There it was again. The desire, the hunger, the passion. Clouding my mind, making me forget about everything, about the war, about the blood on his armor, about my imprisoned brother.
Everything is empty, nonexistent. The only thing I could see clearly is Robb.
I was still trying to get him out of his armor when he grabbed me by my waist and put me on the desk. I started giggling when he threw everything from the desk on the ground. The map, the figures, war plans, ink bottles, everything was on the ground. I had enough common sense to thank the Gods that it is still daylight, and that the candles Robb knocked over were not lit.
I was trying to get out of my dress while he threw his armor over his head and on the ground. He must have realized that I would never get him out of it. I was trying to pull my dress down when he kissed me again. His hands were all over me and I couldn't help but smile.
"No time." He said once he realized that he simply can't wait for me to get out of the dress. Before I knew it, he pulled it down, leaving me naked to the waist and judging by the sound of it, the back of the dress completely torn.
His impatient hands pulled the skirt all the way up, and I put my legs around him.
I couldn't kiss him enough. His lips, his face, his neck, everywhere I can get my lips on. A scream escaped me when he entered me. Gods, I forgot how amazing that feels.
I have heard men speaking around camp, commenting that there is nothing better than a woman after a battle. I can only imagine that the saying is true; Robb certainly seemed to be enjoying himself. And it was pretty darn amazing for me as well. After keeping a distance for a while, there is nothing better than colliding once again, I can now confirm.
"Oh Gods, Robb!" I moaned with my fingers in his hair, pulling it with all the strength I had. If he didn't suffer an injury in the battle, he will certainly suffer one now.
I worship him. I worship him in every way I can. Like I said, he can rip my heart out and I would still love him. He can do no wrong, and that is as frightening as it is exciting.
With one last thrust, we both finished and he fell over me. I wanted to tell him that I love him. I wanted to tell him that there is no price I wouldn't pay to keep him alive and safe, with me. I even wanted to confess to him that I am trying to prevent myself from conceiving another child. I wanted to pour my heart out to him. It's a good thing for me that I barely had the strength to breath.