Batman's Bad Day: Day One
Wayne Manor - 6:32 am
Bruce Wayne woke up bright and early in his bed feeling like crap. He had been up late last night trying to figure out who kept setting off the car alarm on his work vehicle. Nevertheless, he did manage to get close to his usual four hours of sleep. Just then, his alarm clock went off. As we touched the snooze button, the clock ignited and blew up in his face.
"Joker," Bruce sighs under his breath.
Wayne Manor - 6:40 am
"Where's my dry-off towel?" Bruce yells as he steps into the shower.
"It's in the wash right now, sir," his butler Alfred responds.
"Now what am I going to use?" Bruce thinks to himself.
No matter, for he decided to just start shaving instead. After getting his face all lathered up, he grabbed the razor and motioned it toward his face. At that exact moment, Alfred came in, used the toilet, and then flushed it. Bruce's bathwater soon turned icy cold, forcing him to jump, which made him scrape a big razor gash across his face.
"GAAAAAA!" Bruce screams, grasping his now bloody face. Trying to reach his face-towel, he makes a wrong move and slips on a bar of soap he had dropped earlier, making him fall out of the tub, curtain and all.
Wayne Manor - 7:14 am
"More coffee, sir?" Alfred asks as Batman skimmed over the daily paper.
"Yeah, just a little," Bruce grumbles, rubbing his now bandaged cheek.
As Alfred poured his coffee, Dick loudly bursts into the dinning room.
"Hey guys, check this out!"
Dick's sudden and surprising entrance made Alfred jump, forcing Alfred to miss the coffee cup and pour the piping hot coffee onto Bruce's crotch.
"EEEEYYYYOOOOOOWWWWW!" Bruce yells as the hot beverage now started to trickle down his legs.
"Alfred! What's the meaning of this?" Bruce shouts angrily.
"I'm terribly sorry, Master Bruce. Dick's sudden appearance in here startled me," Alfred responds.
"Damnit Grayson!" Bruce fumes as he glares at his sidekick.
"Sorry man, but look what came in the mail. It's from the Joker," Dick says, handing Bruce the goods.
Bruce, checks the box thoroughly to see if it showed any signs of it being booby trapped.
"Shall I fetch the Bat-Scanner, sir?" Alfred offers.
"No thanks Alfred. The Joker can't fool me with his lame pranks," Bruce responds.
Bruce removes the lid from the box, only to be attacked by a large white boxing glove, punching him clear in the face. Bruce then falls to the side of his chair, slips on some coffee that dripped onto the floor, and then hits his head on the edge of the table. Trying to get up, he grabs the tablecloth and winds up pulling his breakfast plate and other silverware on top of him.
"Now that's gotta hurt," Dick takes note as he stares at the mess created around the table.
Alfred sighs, started to leave the room. "How unfortunate...I'll go fetch the first aid kit."
Wayne Manor - 8:09 am
"Aw give me a brake."
Sitting in his driveway, Bruce tried and tried again to start his car. Someone must have disabled and removed something from his engine last night when his car alarm was set off by someone, or something…
"Jesus Christ, start dammit," Bruce yells as he pounds his fists against the steering wheel.
"Want me to drive you to work like I used to when you were a kid, Master Bruce?" Alfred offers.
Bruce looks into his rear-view mirror and saw his butler walking towards his vehicle.
"No, not today Alfred" Bruce says, gritting his teeth in annoyance. "I want to drive myself today...in my own car."
Alfred raises an eyebrow in surprise, and then relaxes it before giving him a brief smirk.
"If you insist, Master Bruce. But I would recommend using a key to start up the engine, for this isn't like your Bat-mobile where you just tell it what to do via voice command," Alfred comments before walking back into the manor.
Bruce sat in his car for a moment looking like a complete ass. Even though he was already late for work, he really did need his butler to drive such a non-technologically advanced vehicle, especially since his car was a Ford Model T.
"What a pathetic start this day is turning out to be. Hey Alfred, I do need that drive to work!" Bruce yells, getting out of his car and running back into his luxurious home to fetch his butler.
Wayne Enterprises - 10:45 am
"Here are the reports on today's stocks, sir."
Bruce was sitting in his nice cozy office conducting business at Wayne Enterprises. His secretary comes in and hands him today's stock reports.
"Hmm…Microsoft…up 50 points…LexCorp…up 23 points…Wayne Enterprises…DOWN 9000 POINTS! HOLY HELL! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Bruce screams in horror.
His outburst got the attention of his whole Corporation, for every employee in the building listened intensely to Bruce's long chains of angry swearing all morning and up into lunch.
Wayne Enterprises - 12:15 pm
"Pastrami again?" Bruce says, as he looks into his sack lunch.
Bruce was on his lunch break. He invited his old pal Clark Kent to chat with him during lunch. Clark was eating a slice of pizza, while Bruce fumbled with his chips, drink, and desert.
"I see your butler Alfred still packs your lunches," Clark states.
"He says I spend too much money on gadgets and equipment for the Bat Cave," Bruce comments dryly.
"And I guess you're stuck having your butler to make every meal for you?" Clark asks.
"Shut-up. That's what being rich is all out," Bruce responds smugly.
At that time, a young woman with heavy black and white makeup wearing a red business suit struts into the room and stops in front of their table.
"Hiya Mr. B. I got something for ya!" the girl says gleefully.
"Who's this nut job?" asks Clark, raising an eyebrow.
"Definitely no one I've hired," says Bruce with a shrug.
"Here, take this, Mr. B!" the girl interrupts, handing a tiny multi-colored present over to Bruce, then abruptly turns and leaves out the room.
"What was that all about, and what in the world is this?" Bruce questions, as he stared down at the little gift.
Upon closer examination using his X-Ray vision, Clark notices something flashing inside it.
"BRUCE IT'S A BOMB!" Clark exclaims.
"WHAT? QUICK, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!" Bruce shouts in response.
Clark lunges forward to slap the box out of Bruce's hand, but ends up smacking Bruce along with the present, causing them to crash out the twentieth-story window.
"Oops," Clark says, looking out the now broken window.
Bruce tumbles out of the building and lands on a patch of flowers on the side of the street. He immediately stands, seemingly unharmed, but then noticed the present-bomb was lying right next to him. Acting on impulse, Bruce dashes away from it...
WHAM!
but suddenly gets run over by a large hay-truck who backed up on top of him.
"Hey! Watch were you're going, you punk!" yells the Scarecrow from his truck as he drove away.
Clark flies down from the building and meets up with Bruce seconds later.
"You alright?" he asked.
"Just barely. No thanks to you, you dumbass," Bruce grumbles under his breath.
"I guess I keep forgetting how strong I am," Clark adds with a slight chuckle. "Well, at least you are alright."
The two men then look down as a small girl skips up to them holding the bomb-gift.
"You dwopped this, mister!" says the girl as she hands the gift to Bruce, then skips away.
Clark and Bruce look at one another and gulps as the gift explodes.
KABLAM!
Gotham City Streets - 2:19 pm
Bandaged, burned, but still breathing, Bruce decides to head home early and rest before his night-shift as Batman. Alfred was still working back at the mansion at this time, so his only means of transportation was the city bus. When it arrives, he steps on board and approaches the bus driver.
"How much is the fare?" Bruce asks the bus driver.
"For you, it's free!" purred the cute looking female driver who wore a black latex bodysuit.
"Uhh...right…" Bruce responds, turning to look at the empty bus. There was only a small black cat on board sitting in one of the seats near the back. He decides to sit next to it to keep it company.
"What are you looking at?" Bruce says to the cat, who stares back at him as if it was saying 'Back off, tuna breath'.
The cat simply stared at him for a while before starting to slowly scratch at Bruce as if he were a scratching post.
"Hey, stop that," Bruce says to the cat who simply kept scratching at him.
Bruce takes hold of the cat and attempts to move it, but the cat fought back and slashed Bruce in the face.
"YEEOOWW!" Bruce yells in response, taking the cat and chucking it to the back of the bus. That didn't last long, as the cat came back and began mauling Bruce's face all the way back to his mansion.
"Now play nice you two," the female bus driver laughs with delight.
Wayne Manor - 4:00 pm
"More tea, sir?" Alfred asks a disgruntled Bruce, who sat in the den watching television.
"No, not this time. I'm not going to have anything hot spilled on me again!" Bruce responds to Alfred.
"If you wish, master Bruce," Alfred responds.
Alfred turns to head into the kitchen, but slips on Dick's skateboard that was left lying around on the ground. Alfred falls toward Bruce, causing the hot pot of tea spill all over him.
"GYAAAAAAAA!" Bruce yells as the hot beverage burns through his bandages. "ALFRED!"
"Terribly sorry, sir. I seemed to slip on young Master Dick's skating-board," Alfred explains.
Bruce slowly stands and limps out the room.
"Going so soon, Master Bruce?" Alfred inquires.
"Yes. I'm going to the Bat Cave. Don't let anyone bother me while I'm in there, GOT IT?" Bruce responds sternly as he disappears for the rest of the afternoon in solitude.
Bat Cave - 5:05 pm
Bruce spent the rest of the afternoon locating criminals and monitoring police activity on his supercomputer within the Bat Cave. No one had bothered him for a good hour and he was rather relieved of that fact. No hot beverages, no psycho cats, and no exploding packages to deal with. Maybe his day was starting to fare for the better. however, this did not necessarily mean he was enjoying the downtime.
"How boring," Bruce says to himself. "I've had a rough day as it is and no one is even trying to rob a bank or anything right now."
Coincidentally, and with perfect timing, Commissioner Gordon appears on screen with an urgent message.
"Batman, Joker and Penguin are robbing the Gotham Gold Storehouse! Please hurry to…wait a minute… BATMAN IS BRUCE WAYNE?!" Commissioner Gordon says, before stopping to gawk at what he was witnessing.
"Damnit!" Bruce says, face-palming at the fact that he forgot to suit up in his costume beforehand.
"Wait until I tell everyone in the precinct about this!" Gordon says gleefully.
Bruce immediately shuts off the monitor and hurries over to his costume case where his Bat Suit hangs. Still limping from the burns and other misfortunes from earlier that day but still functioning, Bruce opens up the large metal door only to find his Bat suit gone.
"ALFRED!"
As if on queue, Dick bursts inside the cave holding a tiny miniaturized Bat suit.
"I knew it was probably you wondering where your Bat suit was, so I washed it for you!" Dick says with a cheesy smile.
"You mean my $700,000,000 one of a kind suit?" Bruce says, on the boiling point due to anger and disbelief.
"Yeah, Unfortunately, I think it shrunk a little," Dick says.
"No shit, Sherlock! Now what am I supposed to wear?" Bruce questions his partner.
"How about that 1960's style Bat suit you have in your costume trunk?" Dick suggests
"You mean the same one Adam West wore? No. Freakin'. Way," Bruce says, resolving never to wear that outfit for any reason whatsoever.
Bat Cave - 6:15 pm
"See, it fits," says Robin, now in costume, with Batman in his slightly tight and cheaply made 1960's Bat suit.
"Shut-up, bird-turd. This suit makes me look really fruity," Batman comments.
Batman then walks toward the rotating platform where his recently upgraded and polished Batmobile sat. He gestures Robin toward the control panel.
"Robin, push the red button for me to rotate the car so it'll face the cave's exit," Bruce instructs his sidekick.
"No prob," the half-listening Robin replies while he had his face buried within a sleazy magazine he had pulled out a moment ago.
Robin accidentally presses the green button, which catapults the Batmobile off into the hundred-mile ditch on the side of the Bat Cave. They could then hear the car crashing and exploding once it hit the bottom. Batman gives a murderous glare toward Robin, who slowly backs away from him in response.
Gotham City Streets - 6:32 pm
"It is a damn good thing I have an extra Bat mobile in reserve," Batman says as he and Robin drive down the dark city streets of Gotham's industrial district
All of a sudden, the car starts sputtering and grinds to a halt.
"Crap! It needs gas!" Batman says with a loud sigh.
"That's okay, Batman. I'll get some gas down the street. Joker and Penguin's hideout shouldn't be too far from here," Dick responds.
Batman sighed.
"Alright. You get the gas and I'll kicks some criminal ass," Batman says to his partner.
"Right!" says Robin as both men step out of the vehicle and head toward their respective locations.
Storehouse - 6:47 pm
Batman walks toward the entrance of the Storehouse. He finds an opening and makes his way inside. He sees a group of people in a dark room discussing their evil plans.
"Hold it right there, villains! You are all going back to prison where you belong," Batman yells out.
The Joker appears out of the shadows, walking towards Batman with several other villains by the clown's side.
"Well well well, looks like the Bat flew into our trap," Joker laughs in amusement.
"What trap?" Batman demands, ready to take action.
"Oh booooys…" says Joker, signaling the other villains to pull out their machine guns. The Penguin was the first to pull out his umbrella-gun, along with Mr. Freeze and his ice-ray.
"Take this!" yells Batman, as he tried to pull out his Baterang, but winds up jammed in his utility belt.
"Oh sh-" mutters Batman.
"FIRE!" yells Joker in response.
Commissioner Gordon's House - 6:49 pm
At Commissioner Gordon's house, the commissioner was in the middle of printing flyers proclaiming 'Batman is Bruce Wayne'. Then the phone rang. He went over and answers it immediately, whilst looking out the window from his second story room.
"Hello?…Oh, hi honey! Oh, I'm doing fine, I'm just printing a few important documents….huh? Oh don't worry about me, there hasn't been any reports of violence in the streets tonight…"
Just then, Gordon witnesses Batman scrambling down the street, dodging several dozen rounds of gunfire and other assorted types of projectiles, whilst screaming like a school girl. Seconds later, every villain in Gotham arrives on the scene, chasing the bat while continuing to fire his or her weapons.
"Honey dear, is everything alright?" Gordon's wife asks due to the sudden silence from her husband.
"Um…er…everything's fine dear. Everything is just fine…" Gordon says slowly, a sweat drop appearing on the side of his head at what he was seeing.
Gotham City Streets - 6:59 pm
Robin walks back to the Bat mobile, carrying a jug of gasoline. He's not all too happy about the gas prizes being $40 a gallon, or about maxing-out Batman's credit cards by buying more naughty magazines. After gassing up the car, he heard the sound of chain gunfire coming from one of the buildings down the street. That's when he sees Batman frantically running from the horde of criminals.
"Robin! Start up the car, NOW!" Batman yelled, diving into the car before it jets off toward the highway.
Gotham City Highway - 7:15 pm
"So what happened?" Robin asks, dodging cars as he sped down the busy highway.
"It was a setup, and I got capped in the ass fourteen times," Batman muttered rubbing his tore-up rear.
"No sweat. Since I'm here to help out, we'll just drive back to the warehouse and take them on together," Robin says with confidence, while at the same time wasn't paying attention to how fast and dangerous he was driving.
Suddenly, a siren blared.
"STOP! PULL OVER" was then heard behind them.
It was the police. Robin managed to steer the car to the side of the highway, not realizing that the police officer approaching their vehicle was not in standard G.C.P.D. uniform.
"ROBIN! How many times do I have to tell you to leave the driving to me?" Batman yells at Dick.
"But…you told me too…" Robin sputters before the strange officer steps toward their window.
"Good evening. I'm officer K. Croc. Do you know why I pulled you over?" the cleverly disguised cop says, introducing himself.
"I don't even know who the hell you are! Are you even from Gotham City?" Batman questions the officer.
"Don't patronize me, dumbass," says the cop. "May I see your license and registration please?"
"Oh...my license…um…it left it in the other Bat mobile…" he trails off, turning angrily towards Robin.
"Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle?" the cop asks.
"Yes, I would mind," Batman replies.
"What are you hiding?" the cop questions.
"Psst…Batman, isn't this the car with that high proton laser cannon in th-" Robin whispers before being backhanded by Batman's hand.
"Sir, I'm going to have you step outside the vehicle so I can search it," the cop tells Batman.
"Look, pervert, I don't do that on first dates," replied the caped crusader.
Batman, who was really on the verge of going coo-coo for cocoa-puffs, immediately gets out of the vehicle to get this search over with.
"What's that around your waist? Sir, are you carrying drugs?" asks the cop who removes the utility belt from Batman's waist.
"No, that's my utili-WAIT! DON'T PRESS THAT BUTTON!" Batman shouts while the cop flips a random switch on his utility belt.
At that moment, a huge flash of light followed by a large mushroom cloud appeared behind the city skyline.
"NO! THAT WAS THE SELF DESTRUCT SWITCH TO THE BAT CAVE YOU IMBECILE!" yells a now distraught Batman.
"Good thing Alfred is at a dinner party right now," Robin responds in surprise.
"Sir, if you don't mind, I'll just check your trunk now," the cop says, walking toward the trunk and popping it open. "Sir, would you explain to me why Adam West is in your trunk, bound, gagged and stripped down to his pink underwear?"
"Shit, some crooks must have slipped him into the trunk while Robin & I were occupied back at the warehouse," Batman growls to himself, gritting his teeth hard at today's nonstop chain of ridiculous circumstances.
"Sir, I'm placing you under arrest for the possession of explosives, refusing to show ID, calling me an imbecile, and kidnapping a famous celebrity," the cop says, immediately cuffing the Dynamic Duo.
"#&$#$$$&&$&!" yells Batman all the way to Arkham Prison as Robin slinks further down in the seat as he's showered with tickets from Batman's colorful language.
Arkham Asylum - 10:35 pm
Batman and Robin sit silently in their jail cell hopefully waiting for Alfred to come and bail them out. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Minutes later, an old man carrying a dummy who looked like Al Capone opens their cell door and reels in a TV. After they leave, the TV turns on, showing the Joker within Gotham's Newsroom.
"Good evening, Gotham City. I am The Joker, bringing you the latest development of our 'Take Over Gotham Project' happening right now as we speak. I would like to take some time to congratulate the Bat-brain on his exciting day. I hope my friends had loads of fun with him! Anyway, enjoy your stay in your lovely Arkham Asylum suite because you will be there for a long time. And to make sure you won't get lonely, I've arranged a cell mate for you two. Ta ta!"
Suddenly the cell doors crash open, and in steps a rather large, angry and foreboding figure.
It was Bane.
"Well, well, well, if it ain't my old rock'em, sock'em punching bag: Batman! Are you ready for your daily exercises?" Bane roars menacingly while cracking his knuckles.
"Well, at least we'll stay in shape… I think," Robin says with an unsure yet hopeful smile.
"Robin, shut up," Batman growls, as the cell door slowly closes on them.
Please review and proceed to the next chapter: Batman's Bad Day 2: Prison Folly!