"Please, Link, just get rid of these leaves and stop acting like a nut job!" shouted Malon at Link after once again being caught trying to make off with some of his leaves.
"Nut job!? I don't suck or stroke nuts, you dirty, dirty girl!" countered Link, shaking his head in disbelief over the tried but failed extinction of his leaves.
My leaves were precious to me, so precious I might die if they aren't with me. They became my friends and family when I needed them most, and they were plentiful, meaning they wouldn't die because of some monsters or something. Leaves are love, leaves are life and without them I would be naked-which I don't mind. Then there was my beautiful leaf wife, Nocturnal, and our three children all named Minish and our dog named Cap. There was no way I was going to let this girl take away my family-not after everything I've been through with them.
What the hell!? I didn't write that! How did he manage to-never mind, that's not the point. The point is that Link was never going to surrender his leaves, no matter what the cost involved, and this angered Malon to the point she was going to be forced to do bad things. Very, very bad things that would earn her a spanking from her milk-crazed Father, Talon, which she still got because she said very naughty things about people. Never again would she call their best cow, Betsy, an ugly piece of cow trash.
"Link, you've forced me to do this, and when you've forced me to this I'm going to be coming at you like a Dark Horse," growled Malon, bailing her fists before she angrily turned around and stomped toward the nearest pile of leaves.
Link looked at Phantom Ganon, who shrugged before hopping on his dark stallion, riding off into the sunset. When he turned his attention toward Malon, she was holding a dagger to the neck to one of Link's neighbors. Leafy neighbors.
"No! Lemmy!" shouted Link, reaching a hand out to Lemmy, who looked at Link surprised for a leaf statue." Not you, you have so much to live for! Who's going to take care of your wife and thirteen children all named Brittney!?"
"Well, I guess they're going to have to take care of themselves, unless you want to stop this foolishness and come to the ranch!" shouted Malon, holding the dagger closer to Lemmy who somehow managed to shake his head; leaf drift falling out of his hair.
What a total bitch!
"I heard that!" shouted Malon at a nearby tree, causing it to grow legs and run away.
"You wouldn't dare!" shouted Link, staring daggers at Malon who grinned evilly.
"I would dare!" shouted Malon, shaking her head.
"You wouldn't!" shouted Link.
"I would!" shouted Malon.
"YOU WOULDN'T!"
"I WOULD!"
"YOU WOULDN'T DO IT!"
"I WOULD TO DO IT! I'M NOT AFRAID!"
"YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE MOXIE!" bawled King Zuru at the top of his lungs, somehow hearing the conversation.
"Um, Dad?" asked Ruto, raising an eyebrow at her Father while watching two young zoras swim around in their pool." Who are you talking to?"
"THE LEAF MAN WHO HAS A BITCH OF AN ITCH ON HIS LEFT BUTT CHEEK!" shouted King Zuru." AND THAT BITCH IS HOLDING A DAGGER TO HIS FRIENDS LEAFY NECK!"
Ruto blinked twice before slapping herself, joining the Zoras soon after.
"Malon, I swear to Zelda's fake left breast that I will rain down the fury of a thousand gods on you and your ranch if you so much as touch that leafy neck of Lemmy's!"shouted Link.
"Okay, fine, I won't hurt him," replied Malon, calmly before taking a step back, releasing her hold on Lemmy, who staggered forward.
"Lemmy, are you-" began Link, running toward Lemmy, a hand ready to rest on his shoulders.
"JK!" shouted Malon, lunging forward at Lemmy's stomach, driving her dagger into his leafy back.
Link's eyes widen in horror as Malon drove the dagger so deep past his leafy back, she managed to tear through the spine and stomach; lounging the blade deep in his body. Lemmy's leaf eyes widen in horror as he fell forward, drawing his last leafy breath his as the wind blew him away.
"Well, that's not gonna leave a mark!" jested Comedy Jessica, a leaf woman, jumping into the middle of it all, firing two imaginary gunshots into the sky.
The crowd booed and hissed at her, causing her to cartwheel into the sunset, leaving a distraught Link to contemplate what just happened. The death of his leaf friend left a crazier mark than usual on him as he stood straight, smoke coming from his flaring nostrils as he pulled out a pair of nunchucks from his butt.
"Wait, where did you get those? We haven't even invented those yet!" exclaimed Malon, pointing at the nunchucks.
"You've forced me to this, the forbidden art!" shouted Link, spinning the nunchucks around before holding them in front of him." PREPARE TO BE QUO KEY DAWNED LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!"
"Quo-key- what?" asked Malon, tilting her head as Link charged at her, nunchucks a blazing."Uh-oh."
Malon quickly ran away from a crazed Link, who was an expert at the forbidden art of Que-Key-Dawn.
R.I.P Lemmy Mackintosh
Here lies Lemmy Mackintosh, proud Father and warrior, best friend a leaf brother could have. His only regret in life was that he never got t see Zelda naked-like Link. His wife and children live on, their heads held high as they find comfort in their fellow leafy neighbors.
2015-Okay, his birth is unknown since Link won't talk about him anymore. So yeah, there's the comedic relief folks!
"Well, that was a bit stupid," replied Ruto after news of Lemmy's death traveled to their kingdom." Thank Din I am not married to him."
"FORGOT THAT! WHY ARE WE THE LAST TO KNOW EVERYTHING!" shouted King Zuru."WE SHOULD COME UP WITH OUT OWN NEWS SO THAT THOSE SNOBS OVER AT THE KINGDOM OF ZELDA WILL BE THE LAST ONES TO HEAR ABOUT OUT SAVORY SCOOP! LET'S SEE HOW THEY LIKE IT! BOBBY-"
"Father, it's Ruto," corrected Ruto.
"RUDY COME UP WITH SOMETHING JUICY SO THAT WE CAN MAKE THOSE SNOBS PAY FOR NOT TELLING IS WHAT THE NEWS IS!"
To be continued….next chapter, of course!