Chapter 15

Katniss Pov

The weeks had flown by in a happy haze. I was in love. I knew this with certainty for the first time in my life. I was the happiest I had ever been and the thought terrified me.

Something still kept me from saying the words though. As much as I wanted to say them to Peeta, a part of me was panicking that I was getting too deep too quick. Any time I thought about putting some distance between us I couldn't make myself go through with it.

I couldn't imagine a day without him now but as summer approached I knew we would have to go our separate ways for a few months and the thought of being separated from him again just didn't sit well with me.

We had discussed visiting each other over the summer but I knew between Peeta working at the bakery and me spending quality time with Prim, that it may not happen. It was going to be a busy summer for both of us. I knew he had a big art assignment to finish over the summer and I had to find a part-time job to build up my depleted savings. I was not looking forward to the next few months.

It was the last day of term and my flight west was the following morning. We had made plans to spend the last night together and so when my last class ended I went in search for him at his dorm.

"Knock knock guys, anyone home?" I ask as I push the door open.

I look around at the chaos as Finn opens the door to his room. It's easy to see it is the last day of term, their dorm looks like a bomb hit it.

"Katniss! ... Hi". Finn greats me looking slightly flustered.

"Jez you guys are messy" I laugh, looking around at the devastation.

"Eh yeah it's mainly me" Finn laughs nervously, coming over to me. "He didn't find you then?"

"Who? Peeta?" I ask in confusion. " Where is he?"

"Well he was here finishing packing and he got a visitor and had to leave." He shuffles uneasily "He has gone back to Seam".

"He has gone?" I ask in shock "has something happened at home Finn?" I ask dumbstruck.

Finn looks uneasy which in turn makes me uneasy.

"It's Madge." My stomach drops as I wait for him to continue. "She arrived here really upset, talked with Peeta and before I could ask he was picking up his bags saying he was going to look for you as he had to go home."

"How long ago was this?" I mumble, still shocked that Peeta has gone.

"About an hour ago?" Finn replies, still looking uncomfortable.

"I can't believe he has gone" I blurt, trying to wrap my head around it.

"Check your phone, he wouldn't have gone without at least sending you a text."

I search round in my bag till my hand finds my mobile and I pull it out quickly turning it on, sure there will be some explanation displayed there.

Nothing.

"He hasn't text." I murmur confused as I lift my head to meet Finn who is watching me sympathetically.

"I don't know what to say Katniss. He left here to look for you. Madge was clearly distressed and seemed to want to leave as soon as possible. Phone him. You know Peet, he wouldn't leave you like this without a very good reason."

I knew Finn was telling the truth. Peeta would never leave without telling me unless it was for an emergency. That didn't stop me from experiencing a twinge of hurt though. He had left and now I wouldn't see him for months probably.

I punched in Peetas number, needing to hear his voice, sure that there was a very good reason for his hasty departure.

"Hey Ho" started to play from his now vacant bedroom. Finn appeared a moment later holding his mobile with our song playing, making me just a little bit sadder.

"I guess this explains why you haven't received a text." He says apologetically.

"Listen Katniss, I'm heading home tomorrow and I'll call with Peeta and give him his phone. I know he will be freaking out that he never got to say goodbye. He will explain everything to you. If I know Peeta he will have a very valid reason for leaving so quick Kat".

I nod my head in agreement walking to the door in a daze.

"Bye Kat" Finn calls out to me, but I barely hear him as I leave the dorm.

The next few weeks passed by in a blur tinged with devastation. I had arrived back to LA only to wait in the airport for three hours for Gale. Phone calls to his mobile had met with his answer service. I had finally given up and caught a bus home. It was then the nightmare really began.

Gale on his way to collect me had been involved in a pile up on the highway which left him in a coma and his injuries inconclusive. I was devastated that I had played a part in this even though logically I knew it wasn't my fault. I had stayed by his bedside for days before Hazelle arrived. It broke my heart to see my childhood friend in such a vulnerable state and I couldn't bear to leave him on his own.

Peeta had phoned and texted me frantically numerous times for the first couple of days but I let them go mainly unanswered only sending him a few brief texts letting him know what had happened. It transpired that Madge's dad had a heart attack and she had called on Peeta as her closest friend from Seam to go back with her. I knew it made sense and I was sorry for Madge as I knew her dad wasn't in great shape. It didn't stop me from feeling a bit resentful that she had needed my boyfriend.

The distance between us that had begun in Peetas dorm room soon spiralled with Gale's accident and I had convinced myself that we were not meant to be. With Gale lying unconscious in a hospital bed, I couldn't stop myself from feeling responsible and guilty.

I didn't want to talk to Peeta when my friend lay in such bad shape. I knew I was being unreasonable but I couldn't seem to cope with anything more than just helping Gale pull through this. It seemed the universe was conspiring against us once again.

I sent him a text a few days later letting him know I would phone him soon. He was frantic at that stage, confused as to why I was pushing him away.

Gale awoke from his coma and the full extent of his injuries became clear. He was paralysed from the waist down and doctors were unsure if it was permanent. Gale was in meltdown and I felt I was free-falling right beside him. The thought that he would never get to hunt in the woods again, drive or walk freely killed me and I was crippled with guilt.

I was tortured at the thought of my vibrant best friend being restricted to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He was always full of life, his natural athletic ability meant he was involved in many clubs at UCLA and I was numb thinking about how his life was now changed forever just because he was helping me.

When I finally answered Peeta's call the next day I knew what I had to do. I finished it, finally and for good. My place was with Gale now and I knew I had to stay in LA for however long he needed me. A lifetime of friendship meant that I would not abandon my best friend at his time of need and even though it tore me apart to do it, I knew I couldn't help him and cling onto Peeta at the same time. I needed to let him go.

I can't even really recall what was said. I know he sounded completely devastated and pleaded with me not to do this again. It killed me to hear his pain but I could see no alternative. I wasn't going back East. I zoned out, blocking myself from breaking down on the phone to him. Part of my brain could not deal with the thought I would never see him again, the pain was too much. I had fallen in love with him but I could never tell him now. I was no longer free to be his anymore, that happy carefree Katniss he knew was gone. Better he thought I never cared and got over me. The thought of Peeta with someone else killed me but I knew he deserved to be with someone worthy of him and I never had been, I knew that now. Someone so warm, happy and giving did not belong to someone like me.

He tried phoning me again and again over the next few weeks but I left his calls unanswered. I had retreated into myself using any energy I had into helping Gale with his daily struggles. Gale would not be going back to Seam, the care he was receiving in LA was far superior to any treatment he would receive back home. Deep down I blamed myself. I had been too happy with Peeta and I believed this was my punishment - to watch my best friend suffer.

My mom became very worried about me as the weeks turned into months and I spent all my free time at the hospital with Gale. I was run down, a shadow of myself and running on empty. Peeta had stopped calling. He had gotten tired of trying to force me into something I obviously never wanted (his words not mine). The day I listened to his message I finally fell apart, crumbling in on myself in devastation and pain. My mom had found me in a near catatonic state and got a doctor involved straight away.

I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress cumulating from my father's death, my mom's withdrawal and finally triggered by Gales accident. I spent the rest of the summer medicated on antidepressants living in a world of numbness where I experienced no real feelings. I didn't understand how it had come to this. I had never felt so helpless in my life.

Gale slowly improved and we grew close again. Hazelle had to return home after a few weeks and she relied on us to look after her son. He had been angry and frustrated at his state, but never angry at me which I couldn't understand. When I felt able to I visited him and every time I could see some small improvement. He never asked about Peeta and I never mentioned him. He was concerned for me, I knew that, but my haze of numbness ensured I never spoke of anything painful or difficult.

My mom sorted out withdrawing me from Panem University. I knew she talked to Jo and Annie but I didn't feel up to talking with them, it just would hurt too much to remember my life there. Everything had fallen apart and I didn't know how it had happened.

Slowly over time Gale improved sufficiently that he was able to leave hospital. I insisted that he move in with us even though there wasn't much room. He was able to take a few shaky steps which lifted everyone's spirits, including my own. I didn't want him struggling on his own so I was determined he would stay with us until he was more like his old self. He attended therapy every day and I felt a bit better as I witnessed his progress. We both went back to school after Christmas only now we attended the same one. Panem University was a distant memory and one I did not allow myself to visit, ever.

It was a slow, difficult recovery for both of us but twelve months later I was feeling more like my old self. Prims constant cheerfulness and the unexpected affection and care provided by my mother meant I was for the first time in years taken care of. I had all responsibility lifted off my shoulders and I enjoyed every moment of it. My best friend had recovered so much that he could now walk almost normally and he was in high spirits after his near brush with a life of incapacity.

The only thing that tampered with my recovery was how I had treated all my friends back in Seam. I hadn't answered any of Johanna's calls or emails; I ignored all of Annie's attempts at correspondence and I had made no effort to reach out to Peeta to let him know what had happened to me. I knew I had to explain in some way to them even if they didn't want to know me after it.

It was with great trepidation I lift the phone and dial Jo's number after a year of no contact at all. After three rings the call connects and I feel my heart stutter

"Hello?"

I can't talk for a moment

"Katniss is that you?" Jo asks in a quiet voice.

Too late I realise she must still have my number in her phone.

"Hi Jo" I whisper before emotion overtakes me and I burst into tears.

"Katniss, Jesus what's wrong?" she frantically asks

I try to calm myself down as sobs wreck my body at the sound of her voice.

"Nothing… it's just… I missed hearing your voice so much" I blurt out in-between sniffs.

"I've missed you too Katniss. Too God damn much!"

"Oh Jo, I've made such a mess of things. I never meant to push you away. I just went into a meltdown and it's taken me a long time to get back to normal " I gulp, trying to clear the lump in my throat.

"Oh Katniss, what the hell happened? I've talked to your mom a few times and all she would say is that you had your hands full helping Gale."

I admired my mom for trying to cover for me but I knew I owed Jo the truth.

"I had a breakdown Jo," I sniffed, pain slicing through me as I remembered last year "the doctors said it was brewing in me for a while and I guess Gales accident tipped me over the edge."

"Jesus Katniss! Why didn't you tell me?"

I could tell Jo was shocked.

"I couldn't talk to you Jo. I self-detonated destroying my relationship with Peeta and when I realised what I had done I couldn't deal with it." I took a deep breath as sobs threatened to overcome me again.

"I destroyed everything Jo. I was flooded with guilt about Gale and I just felt worthless …. So I shut down and shut everyone out. I have spent the best part of the year medicated and trying to get myself life back on track."

"Oh Katniss…" I hear the sympathy in Jo's voice "You should have told me, you should have told Peeta." My heart leaps at the mention of his name. I don't want to ask but I need to know.

"How is he Jo?" I ask, knowing I don't deserve the answer.

The line goes silent for a long time and my heart freezes as I realise I am not going to like the answer.

"Peeta is gone Katniss."