Well, it's been a nice long hiatus full of the real world and other such things. Less than a month before Peter Jackson's final Middle Earth movie is released, and we finally get to see Galadriel go to battle. This particular chapter is inspired by the cult following of Gandalf/Galadriel shippers out there. Not to say that Haldir/Spalko and Tauriel/Eowyn make canonical sense, but none of them will have Mary Sue children. So I think I'm kind of in the clear.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my wild OC brain-spawn. I don't own Tolkien, or NCIS, or really anything. Nothing. Nada. Although if someone wants to buy me the rights to NCIS so I could bring back Ziva, that would be great. Also I'd love the rights to Tolkien. Galadriel must get a little bored in Lothlorien from time to time. And I could settle the Book Faramir-Movie Faramir debates for good.

The Gandalf/Galadriel Sue: This species of Mary Sue stems entirely from movieverse post-2012 and is the alternate universe love-child of Gandalf and Galadriel, usually born during a time period when Gandalf looked "young," so the author feels less dirty writing her fic. She is always both unrealistically powerful and immortal, so that she is able to marry Legolas without pesky complications like dying.

"Wait- where are we going?" Galadriel hadn't said a word to us since we'd gotten up this morning besides a demand that we "hurry our lazy arses up before the next Sue gets too far into the story for her chaos to be undone."

"The Plains of Rohan," Filmamir whispered into my ear from behind me.

Tolkienmir muttered into my other ear, "we saw the map on her laptop."

"Why Rohan?"

"Apparently a Mary Sue so dangerous cropped up there recently that we can't avoid it any longer. And we know Galadriel's been trying her best to avoid it. She was staring at some badfic for hours in the ATV and reading the last few chapters of it before we captured that awful Disney subspecies."

I turned around to look at them, puzzled. We had come off the glacier early this morning and botched our skis, but someone had stolen the four wheelers, and Galadriel had no intention of returning to Lothlorien until every Sue she had released was dead.

"Do you know which species this one is?"

Filmamir shook his head.

"No idea," said Tolkienmir.

"I, for one," Ziva piped up from behind us, "would appreciate if the Lady Galadriel would offer us explanations of which Sue we're taking down before we depart. I can safely say that as an assassin, my employers usually brief me on who I am hunting, their lifestyle, and their recent whereabouts."

"Maybe this one hits a little close to home," suggested Tolkienmir. "I mean, I haven't seen Galadriel in many odd pairings, although ficcers have taken to shipping her with Aredhel and Luthien in the Silmarillion fics."

"We don't deal with Silmarillion, remember?" said Filmamir.

I scrunched my eyebrows together in confusion. "Why not?"

"That's in the domain of the canon characters," Tolkienmir answered, "because the thing's so bloody complicated no one wants to send in an AU character and risk screwing everyone over. I mean, not that a great deal of them didn't get screwed over in canon, just look at Turin, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, AU characters don't like to get involved in stuff that messy, because too many variables are involved."

Well that made a twisted sort of sense. Of course, in terms of getting involved in messy business, the AU universe I was stuck in contained two versions of Faramir shipped with each other, Parody Galadriel, three NCIS characters, a Haldir/Spalko sub-plot, and a gazillion Mary Sues on the loose. Sense was out of the picture by now.

"Hurry up, Max," Galadriel called over her shoulder.

"Me?" I whined. "What about the Faramirs and Ziva?"

Galadriel snorted disbelievingly. "There is little I can force the Faramirs to do. They were witnesses to too many stupid decisions I've made in the past year."

That got me listening. "Like what?"

"You mean aside from accidentally releasing every known species of Mary Sue into Middle Earth like a virus? You are truly holding out on us." Ziva sounded quite curious. "What delicious scandals does the Lady of the Wood have in her repertoire?"

"Yes," agreed the Faramirs, smirking. Filmamir wiggled his eyebrows. "What dirty secrets do you have that we don't already know?"

"Wouldn't you like to find out," Galadriel growled at them. She'd been far more irritable since we had begun to hunt down the next Mary Sue. "And for the record, nothing."

"And the Sue we're hunting has nothing to do with you?"

My eyebrows shot up. The Faramirs were quite bold in their questioning, but clearly they had blackmail material on Galadriel, which, If I were being honest with myself, I really wanted to know more about.

"The Sue we are currently hunting is a dangerous movieverse species," said Galadriel, this time not even bothering to turn around. Her personal agenda seemed to be her priority, and we didn't know enough about Mary Sues to contradict her. Not to mention she was the only one who knew her way around this Valarforsaken mountain.

The fic-jumpers didn't joke when they said she was smart. I'd bet anything she planned to take out this one particular Sue before she left Lorien. So she was either really stubborn or a total psychopath, to fixate on one Mary Sue in particular.

Or I was just overreacting. I looked over my shoulder at the Faramirs. "Is she always like this?"

They nodded in unison.

"Is she a sociopath?"

"We had a theory," began Tolkienmir.

Filmamir smirked. "That she hijacked a Sherlock fan fiction and hasn't been the same since. But she generally has a reason for hunting down the Sues in the order she does. We just have to wait and find out."

Ziva grimaced. "And you just trust her?"

"The Lady Galadriel is righteous and worthy of trust from folk like us. She would not deliberately lead us astray. Also we have too much dirt on her not to trust her."

"So I've noticed," said Ziva dryly. "Maybe I should stop talking to you three and start talking to the one person who truly understands Galadriel: herself."

"How beautifully soppy," I muttered under my breath.

"You're missing the point," Galadriel called over her shoulder again.

"Well what is the point then? Do we always have to nag you this much before you tell us what Sue we're going after, or are you going to pull a Spalko and hold out 'til Chapter 11 and then spew a few pages of cynical back story based on the shitty plot twists of your own fanfic?"

Tolkienmir leaned over and muttered, "How do you know about that?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm the brain spawn of the Fourth Wall, remember? It's my job to read up on stuff like this."

"Then why don't you read up on Galadriel? You know stuff. Can't you like search the wiring of your own brain until you find something worth your time?"

"Little bit scared of her," I admitted sheepishly. "You know her as the Lady of Light; I know her as the lady of multi-universe connections, a shipping complex, and a penchant for weird fan fics."

"Ah," said Filmamir, "that's where you're wrong. We know her as the lady of unnecessary interference in the romantic conquests of others."

"Oh, really?" inquired Galadriel. "And if I did not interfere with the "romantic conquests" of your Mary Sues, where do you suspect you would be at the moment?"

Filmamir didn't answer.

"You've made your point," Tolkienmir said quickly, before Galadriel could recall another detail.

"Good. Because we have arrived at our destination."

I hurried forward, looking over the mountainside. Below us lay the plains of Rohan; Middle Earth's Wyoming, except instead of driving through in a few hours, you had to walk through it over the course of days. And camped out on the vast expanse of Rohan, lighting fires despite the threat of attack, were four tiny figures.

"Is that-"

"The Fellowship," confirmed Lady Galadriel, her voice grim. "Not our Fellowship, of course, but a fan's rendition of the Fellowship revolving around our Suethor's imagination. Movieverse, of course, except Legolas gets far too much screen time, and Aragorn's only character development is unwashed, heir of Isildur, has the hots for Arwen. Gimil… well he's pretty much mute. Similar in character structure to robot-Celeborn."

"So this version of Aragorn and Legolas won't end up in a pairing?"

"Honestly, I've seen a hundred versions of the three companions based around this story," Galadriel said with obvious distaste toward the Suethors. "Legolas never seems any less gay to me. Or he's agender, but you'd have to take that up with someone knows his back story better than I do. Aragorn… well he swings back and forth. Sometimes he's in a committed relationship with whichever version of Arwen- usually a very passive one- is involved in the fic. Other times, though, he's just begging for a slash sub-plot."

I still didn't see what this had to do with Galadriel. Or at least, I didn't until we got a little closer. The Sue- it looked exactly like her. Of course, it also had subtle hints of Chris Pine and Benedict Cumberbatch in its face, and at that moment I realized what the Suethor had been going for with her monstrous creation.

"It's a-"

"Indeed it is." The Faramirs sounded quite smug staring at the Mary Sue's flawless form from behind an outcropping of rock.

"Oh, this is going to be fun!" Tolkienmir flung his arm over Filmamir's shoulders and grinned wildly.

"This Sue," Galadriel began, in her best cop voice, "is the most dangerous Mary Sue we have yet faced. That, obviously, is not saying a great deal, seeing as we have only dealt with two species, but this one… runs deeper. This species of Sue is convinced that is is the… ahem… offspring of AU!Young Gandalf (cursed to remain in an aged state until the fall of Sauron) and… myself." She choked slightly on the words as they came out of her mouth, and I had to stop myself from laughing aloud.

"I can't wait to meet AU!Galadriel," I whispered to Filmamir.

"Hush," Ziva snapped. "This is clearly a traumatic experience for her."

Galadriel snorted, but she seemed a bit endeared through her embarrassment, seeing as the Faramirs and I had been nagging her incessantly since our journey began. She set down her backpack and unloaded the laptop.

"The Sue in question is a highly dangerous species with the ability to control both fire and ice. She's a Last Airbender rehash who- yes, Tolkienmir?"

"Cartoon or gritty live-action remake?"

"The remake."

There was collective gasp of horror amongst the group.

"I know," said Galadriel grimly. "Nearly unbearable as it is. She holds the belief that she is the daughter of myself and Young!Gandalf, a terrifying concept even without the romantic sub-plot. Undoubtedly at some point the Suethor's version of me will sacrifice herself to save her Sue's life. All we need to do is prevent that self-sacrifice from taking place."

I grimaced at the implications. "But what about the Suethor's Fellowship?"

Galadriel nodded to Ziva, who patted the pistol on her belt.

"They never truly die," Ziva said to us, "but it doesn't hurt to take them out as a precaution. It's a similar concept to the mythological monsters from the Percy Jackson and the Olympians books. Except they're about the same quality as the movie adaptation."

Another collective gasp of horror.

Galadriel looked over each one of us. "At any rate, Ziva can take them out quickly. I'm a trained professional. Max and Faramirs, you'll kidnap the Sue and return her here, where I will have the materials necessary to kill her prepared. Clear?"

We all nodded at the briefing. Parody Galadriel was clearly a by-product of her own obsession with cop shows. Ziva's presence was a side effect of the obsession.

The Faramirs moved toward the group with surprising stealth, given that earlier they had been snickering and elbowing each other at Galadriel's expense. I followed them closely, sticking to boulders, watching Ziva position herself with the pistol at close enough range for an accurate shot but far enough that she could hid behind a small outcropping. Galadriel had disappeared all together. Of course she had. Two gunshots rang out, and Aragorn and Legolas dropped like flies.

"What about Gimli?" I whispered to Tolkienmir.

"Gimli's a non-entity in this fic with the Sue around. Without the Sue, whoever's plotfilling for him might have a decent shot at a life. He wouldn't object to us kidnapping the Sue at all. He'll just kind of stand there."

Certainly seemed that way, given that Suethor-Gimli was just standing around blinking as if his two companions hadn't just been shot.

"So leave him alone?"

"Yeah."

We slunk forward. If Suethor-Galadriel was about to show up and sacrifice her life for this insufferable monster, we had to act quickly.

"You go," said Filmamir, shoving me forward.

"Me?" I panicked, gripping his arm.

Tolkienmir chuckled. "Yeah, you, kid."

"I am not a-"

"We're so obviously in a committed relationship with each other that it wouldn't be worth trying to seduce the Sue."

"Hold on a moment, you want me to seduce her?"

They nodded in unison.

"Just act badass," said Filmamir.

"And preferably experienced."

"Experienced? Experience with what?"

They shot sly glances at each other.

Oh.

Valar, why did I sign up for this?

I stepped out from behind the boulder, hoping to catch the Sue unawares, but three seconds into my approach, I stepped on a rock and went down. It turned around, eyes wide and beautiful, her face so like Galadriel's, yet not severe enough to be hers, features too soft and delicate, her eyes too wide and rounded and weirdly purple. Almost too beautiful to be-

Holy mother of dead fandoms, what was happening to me?

I shook myself out of it, doing my best not to look the Sue in the eye. Maybe it really was like the monsters of Mythology; Medusa, to be precise. Just don't look it in the eye or else turn to a stone statue on the spot.

This was it. I was going to die. I was going to die seducing a Mary Sue. I was going to die cold and alone with probably only half my clothes on. Maybe none at all.

I opened my eyes, and there was a sword at my throat. Well, maybe I would die fully clothed after all. That's at least a step up.

"Who are you?" the Sue demanded, its sparkling violet eyes narrowed into what could only be described as a Barbie-glare.

"I… am…" Crap. I hadn't thought about this part. "My name is…" I glanced helplessly over the Sue's shoulder at the Faramirs, who were a few meters behind her gesturing wildly, trying to form a name with their hands. "Eeerrrd...Eedword…. Edward!" I almost shouted, and Tolkienmir gave me a thumbs up. Okay, what were some other attractive male characters that the Sue would probably know? "Edward Leg-no- Greenleaf Potter. Yes. Edward Greenleaf Potter."

The sword lowered immediately, and her-its- glare turned into a flirtatious smile. Get me out of here, I willed the Faramirs. Thankfully, they chose that moment to rush in and jump the Sue. I followed suit, grabbing its wrists and pinning them behind its back like I was making an arrest. Galadriel's cop show briefing had gotten to us all. The Faramirs brushed themselves off, and hauled the Sue to her feet.

"Well…" said Tolkienmir lightly, blowing a strand of dark hair out of his eyes. "that was entertaining."

We lugged her, hands bound together so she couldn't use any of that Avatar remake magic to escape, back to where Galadriel had set up her laptop. When we got there, Galadriel was nowhere to be seen. Her laptop lay open on the grass.

"Thank the Valar you are back!" Ziva breathed, rushing forward to take the Sue off our hands. "We have a problem." She jerked her head to the left. We followed her gaze, only to see Galadriel on a nearby hillside, fighting… Galadriel.

"Is that Parody Galadriel fighting Suethor Galadriel?" I asked, narrowing my eyes for a better look and assuming that the one with the hat was ours. "We've got to get over there."

Ziva shook her head. "No. We just have to take out the Sue."

"We can't, remember?" said Tolkienmir. "If we try before Suethor Galadriel is gone, she'll somehow manage to make a sacrifice for the Sue. It's woven directly into the Suethor's plotline." He gestured to the struggling damsel in Ziva's grip.

"So what, we just make popcorn and watch two Galadriels duke it out until one of them is gone, and we can kill our prisoner?" I threw my arms up. "We have to do something!"

Ziva shrugged. "Not necessarily," she said, and we watched as Parody Galadriel whipped a syringe out of her pocket and stuck Suethor Galadriel in the arm, the latter collapsing into a heap. She shook out the syringe, blew the tip as if it were a gun, and began to march back to us triumphantly, like a victorious general marching back from battle.

"What was that?" Ziva demanded upon our companion's return, her eyes drifting to the syringe still in Galadriel's hand.

"I injected her with canon. She'll wake up in a few hours and remember that she should be in Lothlorien, that she doesn't really have a daughter with Gandalf, and that she should probably be fighting against the romantic interpretation of their relationship in the films. The Valar know we could use one more person for that cause."

"That's all well and dandy, but what about the Sue?" I watched our captive continue to fight against Ziva's hold, to no avail.

Galadriel looked up to the sky smugly. "Just wait." On cue, an arrow sailed out of nowhere and struck the Mary Sue in the chest. She disintegrated on the spot.

"What was that?"

Galadriel simply offered me a sly smile. "That, dear Max, was The Plot. With no one to give their life to for her, our Mary Sue was bound to die at some point. But we're six pages into the chapter, and The Plot needs a coffee break. It thought better to end her quickly."

So the legendary Plot was still running after all. That is, until the Valar inevitably released another upgrade that they claimed was more efficient but only made things a thousand times more complicated so no one could find anything, much less accomplish their goal.

Galadriel opened up the Field Guide of Mary Sues, just as the new page formed.

Elenderiel felt the arrow pierce her heart, her beautiful violet-lavendar eyes tearing up as her body collapsed into dust. Her vague, traumatic past flashed through her head, and she remembered at that moment her true parentage.

But her true parentage was canonically impossible, and her boyfriend had just been shot, and she was bound to die sooner or later, always throwing herself into life-threatening situations under the pretense of selfless courage and martyrdom.

The Gandalf-Galadriel Sue was defeated, and Galadriel was saved a traumatic back story of implanted memories in Chapter 11.

And thus the Fellowship of the Fourth Wall rejoiced, and The Plot took a coffee break.

First of all, the ambiguity as to whether the Sue is a 'she' or an 'it' was completely intentional. Also, I'm not too dignified to beg for reviews. So here's me begging for reviews. And if there's a particular species of Mary Sue you want to see destroyed, please put it in a review or a PM. The Plot can't run everything by itself.