DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NCIS: LOS ANGELES OR ITS CHARACTERS, SCRPITS OR ANYTHING ELSE. I ONLY OWN THE CHARACTERS I MADE UP.
Seeing that little girl today safe was relieving. Back with her family, safe and happy. Maybe a few scary dreams along the way, but she'd be okay. Hetty offered drinks later, but I refused, saying I was going to my mom's house.
I was still in an awkward place with Deeks, but I was so lonely, with only my nightmares and horrifying memories to keep me company.
It was me, wrapped up in an old blanket, rocking myself at 3 in the morning, after my beating came back into my somewhat peaceful dream, and I was so scared.
"Deeks." I said, lightly. I couldn't stop myself from saying it, but no one could hear me, no one would. I tried drying my tears against the old plum colored blanket, my dad's.
"Please, Dad." I whispered. The Taliban were surrounding me, closing in with their guns. "Make it stop." My tears wouldn't stop, it was like I was trying to turn off an old faucet, but the handle broke and I couldn't turn the water off.
I lied there in the dark, and tried to distract myself by watching late night T.V and the celebrity interviews, listening to their glamorous lives while regretting all the choices in mine.
Almost loosing Callen and Sam in that sub was so hard.
But the hardest part was Talia. We'd just ended our thing, and she has to bring it up again.
We were at the explosion scene and while I was examining the evidence, she came over to me. "None of my guys or informants have noticed anything hitting the street. My guess is that they're still cutting the drugs." Yadee, yadee ya. All this case shit, until she mentioned Deeks. Okay, that hug was bad enough, but she can't judge barge in here and act like they've been friends for years. I wonder who've been partners for about 5 years? Oh yeah, us.
We ended up headbutting and punching each other, and then by the end became friends. She too, had the same experience, kind of like ours. His name was Clay Jameson, they met on an op in Mexico. They also had inside jokes, began going out, but the night they were supposed to have another date, he was shot and killed by a few drug smugglers. (well maybe except for the killed part)
We found Callen and Sam when we were in that helicopter, and I was scared as hell when we couldn't see them, when we saw the ripples from the explosion. I almost lost them once, I wasn't going to loose them again.
It was the day after Wallace's goons arrived. The minute they said that they were going to have interviews and go through our stuff, I knew I was the reason.
I was the sacrificial lamb, and Hetty was the target. Because of what I did. Why was I so stupid!? I just HAD to find out who Jack really was! Doesn't matter who's going to get hurt because of it.
2 guys died just so they could find me! I didn't need this, and I knew Wallace was going to go after me.
She was being a bitch, bossing everybody around, and when she cuffed Callen and led him into the back, I was fuming. How could she do this to us? That damn warrant didn't mean a thing. It's just paper.
And I could hear her yell, "Son of a bitch!", and smiled lightly. Of course Callen wasn't going to stick around.
Knife, sword, punching... Stop Kensi, I told myself. Talib, screaming, Jack...
I didn't realize that my hand was shaking until Wallace called my name. "Blye! Agent Blye, time for your interview." I looked back at Deeks and went ahead.
She had me sit down on the suspect side of the table. The side I only sat on once before, when I was being framed for murder. Wallace placed a recorder onto the table. I really had to think about what to say.
"Let's go back to the beginning." she said. "Who was Jack Simon?"
Who was Jack? Former love of my life, gone, who knows? "He was a marine." Good enough. I fought to keep the beating at the back of my head, and not let it show.
"A marine you were engaged to."
"A long time ago." I replied. No alarm, stay calm, Kens. I held my shaking fist under the table.
"The CIA believes that Jack Simon was the White Ghost, an American civilian helping the Taliban." said Wallace, glaring at me.
Alright, Kensi. Something smart and that annoys her. "We all know how accurate CIA intelligence is."
"Was your fiancé the White Ghost?" pressed Wallace. Stay cool, Kens, it's okay.
"There was no 'White Ghost'" I said, letting the annoyance show a bit.
She adjusted her glasses. "So you went halfway around the world, for several months, chasing misinformation?"
"Looks that way, doesn't it?" I said.
Then, she struck. "During which time, you were kidnapped by the Taliban. How'd that happen?" she asked, adjusting her glasses again, and looking up at me with those demon eyes.
Anger bubbled inside of me, and I don't know why. Maybe because she was bringing back memories that I didn't want coming back. "What do you mean what happened?"
"Why were you off the forward operating base alone?" asked Wallace, her tone equally rising.
"I was following a lead." I said, glaring at her, flames probably igniting in my eyes. Flames of anger, hopelessness and nightmares.
"In hostile territory by yourself? Without telling anyone where you were going and what you were doing? That's stupid, or intentional. Either way, it cost the taxpayers millions of dollars for the operation to get you back. Including one million in cash that was paid to your captors. And that seems extraordinary, considering it's been this country's policy that we don't negotiate with terrorists."
My mind was racing, stay calm, Kensi, stay calm. But that didn't work. She kept going though. "Do you have any idea how many guns, bombs, U.S deaths that money will finance?"
That's when I had had enough. "Do you any idea what I went through in captivity?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but I stopped her. "Have you ever been in front of the enemy, while someone you think you love is being tortured for information you don't know about along side you? Do you know what it's like to have someone hold a sword in front of your neck and tell you how they're going to kill you? To have the fear, adrenaline and the sense of death surging through your veins?"
"Agent Blye, I do not need another description of your torture. I read the report. Now, can you verify that these are in fact your wounds?" she pulled put a file, and read from it. Oh god. Hetty said she shredded that. "Whipping wounds, cracked nose, cracked ribs, bruises, malnutrition-"
"Yes." I said, my eyes swelling with tears. "Now, I'm leaving. I think you've caused enough pain and disruption for one damn day!" I marched out, and she followed me.
There was Deeks, sitting on the couch next to two other goons who looked like they wanted to shoot themselves. I needed them to leave, and I needed Deeks. This burden couldn't keep itself in anymore.
"Oh, it's about time! You're done! Hey did you finish your book report?" he asked, standing up. Please, Deeks. Chase them away, chase them away and take all my pain away! I was on the verge of breaking, my walls were cracking and emotions were beginning to leak out. "Alright, my turn."
"We're done for now. We'll be in touch." snapped Wallace. I knew it. It was get the info out of me, and go back to Washington to throw Hetty into the fire.
"You're missing out, I know where the bodies are buried, I also know what the Colonel's eleven herbs and spices. That's right! Secret recipe! See you later!" He turned to me as they shut the door. "You okay?"
Might as well use up the rest of Badass Blye's energy now, but it wouldn't last long. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Oh yeah, maybe I would be because I was tortured!
"I don't know, what did they ask you about?"
"Um... just Hetty, ... ah, Afghanistan."
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.
"Nope." I said, walking towards the windows, as if they could mask my emotions. The tears began welling in my eyes. Torturer. Sword.
"I always find it helps me when I talk about the things that are bothering me." Oh god, Deeks. Stop it. I don't want to.
"It's funny cause...um... it never helps when you're bothering me." I said with a small pained laugh.
"Touché." He laughed too. It was the memory of that laugh that kept me going. "Except I'm being serious. Come on, partners don't keep secrets."
Partners, partners. We were so much more than partners. I wanted to hug him so tightly, I wanted his arms around mine again. "Partners..."
"I mean, that's what we are, right? Partners?" he continued. "Come on, low five. Hit me, don't leave me hanging." A tear was pushing its way out of my eye. I low fived him, but without the eye contact. I'm tough, he shouldn't see me like this. "You didn't really connect, you got to make good eye contact, or else it doesn't count."
I gave up the toughness. I wanted to be babied. I highfived him and made eye contact. I knew he could see the pain that hid behind me. The pain that was now exposed.
"Oh my god, come here." he said, pulling me into his arms. I hugged him back, and I felt his hand on my head, as if he were cradling me. This was where I felt safest. My partner is the person I care about most. Even more than my mother, and just a little more than my father. The tears came breaking out at that point. "It's okay."
"I just want to forget what happened." I croaked, trying to stay as calm as possible, which was defiantly not working.
"Shh, Shh. I know you do. I know you do, but you can't." he said, stroking my hair. I couldn't stop shaking. "And the harder you try, the harder it's going to fight back, trust me. You just got to let it out. You gotta make peace with it. But that takes time." A tear fell down my cheek.
I sniffled and pulled away, wiping it off. "I'm so much tougher than this."
"I know you are. You're tougher than me, and that's tough." he smiled. "Even with this adorable veneer."
I laughed a bit. Deeks really knew how to wreck the moment, but with an attempt at comedy. "And just like that, the moment is long gone."
"That's okay." he said, touching my face. "I got more moments." Of course you do, Deeks. Of course you do.
Finally updated! I'll skip a few episodes maybe until Humbug? Thx for reading and I hope you take the time to tell me how I did with the scene! I'm also pretty sure I misspelled vintner. Or used the wrong one. And sorry for the long update break. So much reality is coming through and I haven't had much time for this one.