I couldn't stop thinking about my father as we were heading back home from LAX. Callen couldn't find his, but I had an odd feeling like there was something else.
I thought about Dad. His usual buzz cut, which I loved to playing with when I was little, pretending it was a porcupine. His warm brown, almost black, eyes and how we'd make that eye contact while working on cars or on the range, they would just whisper "I love you, baby girl." His deep, comforting voice, was the most beautiful voice ever, almost like Granger's, except not as bland, and more unique. I remembered poker games, shooting at the range; fixing cars, reunions, tracking in the desert, late dinners, his laugh, friendly fights in the backyard; he was my best friend and death took him too soon. He would never meet my kids, my team, support me through tough times, or even meet Deeks.
I sadly sighed thinking about that, and I looked over at Deeks, who'd had the exact opposite of his dad. Instead of kisses goodnight, he got bruises, instead of a warm soft breath from my father, his is gruff and alcohol.
And then I thought about Deeks. The man, who I now can't possibly live without. And then my mind wanders to car accidents, fire and explosions and I got teary. He was meant to walk alongside me. He was the calm, warm breeze after a storm, my-
"Kens, we're here." he nudged me out of my thoughts. I nodded, but didn't want to speak, since my tears would then start flowing out. "You want to have a beer or something?" which was our code for having a night together. I nodded again, and he helped me out of the van once Sam and Callen were out. We went over to my car, and just as we pulled out of the street, the stress and worries flooded out. Deeks immediately pulled the car over, turned it off, and embraced me as best as he could from the driver's seat.
"Why can't someone else do our jobs?" I whispered, clinging to him; lightly smelling his shirt, which calmed me. "We always do it for the mission. We can't have normal lives because of the mission, defending others..."
"Kens, calm down, take a breath" he said calmly, looking into my eyes with his fierce, yet gentle blue eyes. "What happened?"
"I thought about losing my dad, and then you. He died defending someone, and-" I said, gasping.
"But I'm not dead yet, Fern. Heart's still beating, brain working, mouth still spitting out the same stupid banter" I laughed while crying a bit.
"It's not stupid, Deeks. It's a relief, a gift. You make anyone's day better, and if we start a family-" I stopped myself. Kensi, get a grip on yourself.
"you don't want them to worry about having their parents not come home one day." he whispered, pulling a piece of hair out of my face.
"Yeah."
"But I'm a ninja, Fern. The ninja in mutant ninja assassins. " winked Deeks, looking into my eyes with his playful ones
"Moment's gone, Deeks."
"Still got more, My Sweet." he smiled, turning on the car and continuing our way home.
We were wrapped in each other's arms, the two of us; peaceful and perfect. We'd stumbled in bed, him in boxers and that ugly striped tank top, and me in a pair of a soft, pale pink pajama bottoms and a thin tank top.
"This is perfect." he whispered, gently stroking my hair. My head was on his chest, and I was in bliss. We were cozy under the covers, his breathing was even, and everything was quiet. The morning light gently shone through the blinds, casting stripes on the bed. There was a strange feeling of being alone, which made it more romantic. It was 5 am, not a lot of people were out and the occasional morning jogger might run on the sidewalk in front, but they would pass, leaving them alone.
"Let's go to the beach." I said, sitting up.
Deeks looked slightly confused, and a light smile lightened up his face. "Alright, Fern. Warning, I'm taking off my shirt, try not to be blinded by the hotness."
"Oh I won't." I laughed, standing up to go to the bathroom. When I got back, he was in a swimsuit, shirtless and very sexy.
"You blinded yet, Fern?"
"Oh yes." I said, walking up towards him, and wrapping my arms loosely around his shoulders. "Do I smell Artie, or is it just you?"
"Hilarious!" laughed Deeks.
"I know." I smiled, and gently pressed a kiss to his lips. "I'm gonna go get ready. Meet me at the car."
"Okay." yawned Deeks, stretching his arms. I smiled, and went to grab my swim suit.
After putting it on (black bikini), I looked over at the picture I had of Deeks on my nightstand. It was us, and Deeks was doing a Friends stare and I couldn't help myself. It was after we kissed on the ice and we went over to Sam and Michelle's for a bit.
"My life is so perfect." I said softly to myself, and then "went to the living room, where I saw him casually sitting on the couch. "I thought you were going to go wait in the car."
"I just wanted to wait here, Fern." he sighed, and looked down at the floor. "In case anything happened."
Last night. "Deeks, I'm fine."
"You always s-"
"Yeah I know I always say fine when I'm not, but this time I really mean it. Let's just go." I said, slightly angered. We grabbed our stuff, and headed over to the car. He didn't say anything when I went to go sit down in the passenger's seat, and neither did I. We drove down to Deeks' favorite spot for surfing, which we hadn't been to in a long time. He parked the car, and we walked, hand in hand until we found a nice spot in the middle, where no one else was. There were a few surfers in the water, and the waves were a bit big, but that was fine by us.
"Come on, Fern." said Deeks, pulling me up off the blanket, and I pulled him down as I tripped on our cooler and we both fell in the sand; me on top of him.
"Oh god!" he yelled. "I feel sand in places where sand should never be." I laughed, (with a snort of course) and climbed off of him. "I'm going to get you. Jungle cat's ready to pounce!"
"Oh yeah?" I said, starting to back off, and then started running towards the water, nearly falling on my face (again) and I jumped into the cool ocean water. Deeks wasn't too far behind me, and we ended up splashing and dunking each other for an hour or two.
After that, we walked along the beach, hand in hand; me wrapped in a towel, his draped over his shoulders. The sun was up now, and the beach was becoming busier with joggers, surfers, families and beach volleyball players. I looked over at him, and couldn't help smiling. This was the first time I'd ever fell in love with a man this much. With Jack, I was younger, a bit stupider, and just before he left, I thought about leaving.
The day had been a better one for us, mostly Jack. We went to the beach after a quiet Christmas eve dinner, just the two of us, and we sat on the sand, watching the sun go down.
Jack turned to me and smiled. "You think it would be nice if we got married here?"
I smiled back. "Yeah. Let's just do it after Christmas and New Year's, babe." He nodded, and I put my head on his shoulder, while he wrapped his arms around me. We stayed like that for sometime, until it was almost closing time.
As we walked into our small apartment, the first thing I saw was a Christmas tree, the one we never managed to find. "Jack, where'd you get this?"
"Neighbors had two, decided to give us one. I haven't gotten around to decorating yet, but I'll do it soon." I kissed him.
"Just take your meds and then we can just curl up together." I said. He went into the bathroom while I waited outside. He'd only one episode today, a new record for him, but there was still plenty of time.
I gently touched the marks around my neck, remembering what it was like to have to kick him away and lock myself in the bathroom, while calling my college friend, Mandy, the psychiatric therapy major.
How was I supposed to spend the rest of life with this PTSD haunting us? If I wanted to live out my career as a federal agent, who the hell was supposed to take care of Jack? I couldn't support his treatments, meds, food, housing, with a government salary. I smiled as he left and I went in. I sat on the fuzzy carpet we had, and just began to weep. I heard Jack knocking and I quickly let him in, trying to prevent an episode.
I continued as Jack rocked me, but nothing helped. "It's my fault, isn't it? Kens, I'm sorry for-"
"Shh." I whispered between sobs. For the first time, in quite a while, it was him comforting me. But that wouldn't last-
"Kens! You awake?" asked Deeks. Deeks?
"What?" I asked, and then realized that he was above me, and that I was on the ground. My head hurt like hell. "What happened?"
"You tripped on your towel and hit your head on something. I thought I was going to have to bring you back to life in some magical way." he smiled. I laughed, but quickly stopped, putting a hand to my head.
"Let's go home, Deeks." I said, trying to get up, but was then lifted off the ground. "Deeks, I can walk."
"I wouldn't trust you, Stumbles."
Tried to end that with some humor. Only 22 days until the premiere of Season 7! I think I'll have plenty to write about, including meeting the Mama Deeks. (I'm so convinced that her name is either Anne or Elizabeth).
Excuse my leave, the inspiration has been lacking a bit.
Reviews anyone?