I flinched away sharply, feeling lightheaded and violently short of breath. "What?"

He spoke apologetically, "I've consulted all my books many times over and did everything possible. All the other patients were examined to the same effect. Your mind is your own and there's simply no one in there but yourself."

I shook my head. "That can't be possible…you must have missed something."

"You are in the half of the infirmary that as of recently has a null shield protecting it. And I've examined all feasible theories. I promise you, child. There is nothing wrong."

"No…" Tears welled in my eyes and my voice edged on hysteria. "…there has to be. Or I wouldn't be like this."

"Ah." Bain nodded understandingly. "You are referring to your magic. Well that's perfectly normal. Traumatic events can suppress powers for an inordinate amount of time. I imagine that it's the reason why you managed to keep from flaming out until so much later on."

"The voice…" I whispered as my voice became hoarse with tears.

"Echoes, child." He explained calmly. "Your symptoms were often reported by those who have gone through such invasion – particularly when Roze was…using her methods. It's possible for you to still hear remnants of your assailant as he undoubtedly left a clear impression on you."

I hugged myself. The idea of being marked by the Warper burned me.

Bain patted my shoulder. "I will continue to look into this, of course."

As he walked away, I imagined him putting this entire business at the bottom of his stack as he researched other more tangible subjects and went on with his classes and lectures as if nothing was amiss until he'd eventually forget.

No longer able to suppress the outburst, I cried out, "Help me!"

Bain jolted to a stop at the threshold and turned back to me. He took several steps toward me warily.

The tears came down my face with no reprieve. "Please, you have to help me. I'll do anything. Just make it stop…I…I can't do this for the rest of my life."

Bain was at my side, awkwardly patting my back in an effort to quiet me as Hayes and the helpers watched nervously.

I clung to him, deathly afraid he'd leave. "There has to be something you haven't tried." I sobbed as I began to babble, "I don't even need my powers. I can do without it if that's what it'll take. Even my memories! You can have my memories too. Take it! Take it all. Take anything you need if it'll make the pain go away. Anything…anything, please…I can't go back there…just make it stop… please."

He only smiled sadly at me. "There's only so much magic can do, child. I've had to learn that lesson for many years, especially in my rash youth. Broken bones and even blood loss can be mended. But the mind…there are such wounds that only time can heal."

Bain patted my hand once more before he insistently extricated himself out of my tight grasp and left. I lay in a quiet stupor for the rest of the day.

The next morning, Leif came back with another dose of his remedy a few moments before I was to be discharged. This time I stared at it, becoming entranced with the color of the tea…blue, like the color of the sky.

If I drank this, I'd be alone with my thoughts again, however long that would last. And this would fade away… Until it all came back. I wouldn't be able to function without taking this daily medicine. And when it no longer worked, I'd have to switch to something else. It won't ever end, I realized. I'd never be well.

Setting the cup back down on the nightstand, I leaned out the window. A rough, cold breeze blew against my face, as if pushing me back in.

The sky was so high up above me but the clouds seemed solid and soft enough to touch. I imagined myself lying on one, unbroken and at peace. There'd be no more pain or suffering; only comfort.

Footfalls down below drew my attention. My parents walked out of the infirmary, hand in hand. Father stopped, running a hand down his face as he turned to Mother. His shoulders slumped with worn fatigue as mother patted his arm and reassured him. I knew she was crying.

Giving the sky one final, yearning gaze, I walked back in and took my medicine.

May bounded up to me when I knocked on the open door. She hugged me tightly. I returned the embrace, marveling at how much taller she had grown throughout the years.

"I was so worried about you, Yelena!" She told me as she led me into her quarters.

May had been given a suite in the Magician's building so that the Keep could make use of her gifts. Her ability to change the texture of materials from fabric to construction supplies at will make work flexible for her. Sometimes she worked for seamstresses – making cloth more durable, softer, lighter, or heavier depending on the style and the need. Other times she worked at the Keep, helping with construction by ensuring durable bricks and windows for years to come.

Sky sat in her living room and smiled shyly at me as we entered. A sense of solidarity filled the air momentarily, transporting us back to the orphanage – three broken girls who were completely alone in this world. Yet we sat quietly, none of us knowing how or where to begin. May clasped her hands in her lap, I clutched my arms, and Sky tugged at the hem of her shirt. A strong wind whistled outside before it slammed against the window.

"How are you, Sky?" I finally spoke.

"Better." She cleared her throat. "I'm…I'm getting better." Her voice faded away.

"And you May?" I looked at my other adoptive sister.

"Great. I've been doing great." May didn't meet either of our eyes when she answered.

"What about you, Yelena?" Sky piped up.

At that, they both turned to look expectantly at me.

"Fine." I gave the final contribution. "I'm fine."

We fell back into uncomfortable silence.

Finally, May broke the silence and spoke, "I know I hadn't been through as much as you had and maybe…"

"No, May." I said firmly. "You've been through enough. It was bad enough. As did you, Sky. We all went through enough."

She nodded uncertainly and looked back down at her clasped hands. "Does…does it ever get better, Yelena?"

I had thought long and hard about my answer before I walked in. And all of that preparation went out the window the moment they looked upon me with their hollow, forlorn eyes. I came in wanting to talk about how difficult it became to breathe, let alone live to the next moment knowing I wouldn't get better. Of all the people in this world, they were the only ones who would understand.

But I smothered the building tears and grinned reassuringly. "It does. It's hard now. But trust me, it will get better. Just keep going and living. Eventually it won't hurt anymore."

Sky and May exchanged glances. They nodded like good students as their eyebrows creased with unmarked anxiety.

I knocked on Opal's door, wringing my hands as I waited. There was a small murmur inside followed by small, rapid footsteps.

She opened the door a tiny crack, slightly breathless. But upon seeing me, Opal's eyes widened as she stammered, "Yelena!" I was pulled in for a tight hug. "Are you alright? Is anything wrong?!"

I smiled. "No, Opal. I came to check in on you actually."

"Oh…" She stepped aside and invited me in.

The living quarters were sparse as they were only visitors. Teegan and Reema played a little game with dice on the floor and stared as I entered. At Opal's cue, they muttered quiet, polite greetings.

I sat on an armchair as my hostess went to prepare tea in the small kitchen. Glancing around, I noticed the shutters were all drawn and the windows locked and barred. Handkerchiefs were stuffed into any visible cracks and crevices.

She returned with a tray and set it in front of me. Opal stood and fidgeted before taking a seat on the couch. "They finally discharged you?"

"More or less. I went from the infirmary to between my parents. But I managed to sneak past my wardens for a little while." I smirked. "How are you?"

"I went half a day without calling myself an idiot for what's happened. I even managed to stop blaming myself for leaving Mara's designs in the oven too long by accident...seven months ago. That's progress…sort of…?"

"I went the whole day without hearing voices in my head." I shrugged.

"Ah…"

We exchanged mirthless smiles and nods before taking a brief sigh.

"I didn't think you wanted to see me." Opal said after a while.

"Why wouldn't I?" I let my surprise filter into my voice. "I'm worried about you."

"It's just…" She pulled at the ends of her shirt before turning to the children and biding them to go into their closed bedroom to play. When they had gone, she began, "Devlen…"

"No." I said firmly. "That wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault or had anything to do with you."

"You said the same thing when I jabbed you with curare."

"You weren't yourself."

"I still made it happen."

"Opal…" I went over to sit with her on the couch and took her hand. "This wasn't your fault. You wouldn't have done it if you had an actual choice. And before you say anything about that, you wouldn't feel this guilty if it was the case."

She shook her head. "But why did I love him?"

"Love trumps logic. And not to mention he managed to fool quite a few people known for pretty bad track records in terms of trust. Even the Sandseed horses all believed he was reformed. It wasn't just you."

"The things I let him to do to me…even after he...he…tortured me. And hurt me…and made me do those things…I still let him…" A tear streamed down her face. "I should have known."

I squeezed her hand. "I promise you this wasn't your fault."

"No, it was." A choked sob escaped as her voice broke. "I protected him. I vouched for him. I made excuses for him. I knew all along."

"Anyone would have done the exact same thing in your situation, Opal." I soothed.

She didn't seem to hear me. "When I thought he was Ulrich…the things I let him do to me…"

I raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Things you let him do? You mean trick you and kidnap you?"

"No." She whispered. "I was involved with Ulrich when they switched. And when we were together he…he…"

Instant comprehension dawned upon me and my blood turned to ice. "Oh…"

"I think a part of me always knew it was Devlen. But it'd make me less guilty if I said I didn't know. I don't know what it is. If I knew…and I still…slept with him…why would I feel this way?"

"How do you feel?"

Opal shook her head as the words spilled out of her mouth. "Dirty…as if I wanted to skin myself alive…detached…lost…helpless…I don't even know… sometimes I just feel so confused." She turned to look at me with wide eyes.

My heart pounding, I bit my lip. "Based on what you're telling me…and what can be implied from that…it sounds like he raped you."

There was a sharp intake of breath. "Are you sure? I mean I might have exaggerated a bit on the details…and I'm just so emotional right now…I probably don't even know what I'm saying…but are you sure that's what it was? Could it possibly be something else? Was it really…?" She stopped abruptly.

"It seemed like he took advantage of or violated you. Or you wouldn't feel this way."

"But I willingly slept with him. I…enjoyed it. And we did it…many times."

"Would you have slept with him if you knew who he was at the time?"

A tear streamed down her cheek. "Please don't tell."

I shook my head quickly. "Of course not! I wouldn't do that to you."

"I was raped and I didn't even know it…" She choked out a bitter laugh. "I'm such an idiot."

Before I could say a word, she cried out, "It is my fault!" and threw her face into my lap. "I'm such an idiot…I don't deserve to live…" She said over and over again between sobs. "Tell me I'm to blame, Yelena…blame me for what's happened to you…for what you're going through…it's my fault…it's my fault…"

I stroked her hair mechanically for an unknown period of time. Memories of Tula and her dead, violated body swept through my mind. No matter what Zitora had said, the guilt over having left her side never went away. The girls I had sacrificed to the Fire Warper looked at me with forsaken eyes.

"This wasn't your fault, Opal." I said over and over again. "And I'm fine…really."

Valek, Leif, Ari, and Janco

Valek leaned over the map, assessing it. He pointed to two cottages that were side by side with his index and fifth finger. "Last night's reconnaissance shows those two houses were recently occupied as well."

Leif scratched his chin before drawing another circle connecting those houses and other marked ones together. "It's just as Master Jewelrose suspected. That or we've suddenly gotten a happy group of squatters who are trying to make pretty flowers with their light shows."

"Explanation for those normal, non-magical creatures here, please." Janco crossed his arms, peeved at being in the dark again.

"Magic works best in a circle. It becomes more potent and concentrated. That explains why magicians who use diamonds for their power-boosting properties always get them carved in an oval or a circle. Master Jewelrose said that if they are acting close to the Citadel – which they almost undoubtedly are – then they have to be living nearby. All these circles of cottages with unregistered residents clearly show she was right."

"But wouldn't all those creepy rituals have to be done at the same time?"

"That's where it gets fun." Leif smiled ruefully. "Blood is so potent and sticky with magic that the earth will 'remember' it." He tapped each house in one of the circles. "Connect the dots and by the last one, you're looking at whatever it is you're doing to the power of eight…"

"Unfortunately, blood is relatively easy to clean, at least on the surface. A salt paste with cold water can remove most stains from rugs. Baking soda and vinegar works well on the hardwood floors." Valek added. "As long as the Warper knew to blot at the stain, it'd take too long to figure out which hasn't been tainted yet."

"Have I ever mentioned how creepy it is that you'd know this much about these things?" Leif said flatly.

"And your penchant for smell must make you a properly dull person, as well as a real help around the house right after you've sniffed out all the food in the kitchen."

"Does my sister ever have to see this annoying side of you?"

"How is Yelena doing?" Ari asked quietly.

Leif sighed as he set the quill down. "Not good. She won't say much, especially with our parents hovering over her like that. Even when we were alone, Yelena just says the same thing: 'I'm fine.' But I can smell it. Something's off."

When they turned to look at him, Valek, expressionless, informed them, "It's better for her if I stayed away for a bit. She doesn't need the added stress of watching her mother and me at constant odds."

"I can't believe that it's been seven years and it's still a nostril flare-glaring contest between you two." Leif shook his head in amazement. "But it's probably the assassin thing. I'm sure that in just another ten years Mother will grow to appreciate that…er…tactful and modest nature of yours and you'll be as appealing a suitor as a doorknob."

"That's very comforting." Valek said in deadpan.

"Didn't those magicians look at her?" Janco asked, scratching the bottom half of where his right ear used to be.

Leif's teasing smile faded as he told them, "It's how she was discharged. Master Bain Bloodgood insists there's nothing wrong with her physically. He gave this whole lecture on reverberation theory to boot."

When everyone watched him blankly, Leif hurried to explain. "When Roze used her methods to extract information, quite a few people said they would still hear her voice and feel her presence in their head long after it was over. Marrok was one of them. It drove some of them quite mad. But Master Bloodgood insisted, after many observations and studies, that there was nothing wrong with them. It was eventually chalked up to people hearing "echoes" and having normal psychological responses to such a traumatic event…which is the long and complicated way to say 'it's all in their head.' But strangely enough, after Roze was hanged, the complaints stopped. People said it went away."

"And that's not sufficient evidence to say the Warper is still involved?" Ari demanded, crossing his arms.

"It's lazy thinking. That's all it is." Valek said with clear disdain. "If they can't fix the problem, they deny its very existence and everything's considered solved."

"As much as I love hearing Valek badmouth us, I'd have to agree with him there. But at least they're doing something about the insomnia." Leif grumbled. "Because what can you do? Go up against a Master Magician and essentially call him a liar to his face? Especially one who wouldn't hesitate to pull and throw every single card to do with experience, knowledge, and the virtue of old, wrinkly age at you? Yep, I tried that just this morning and it didn't work out so well. After I got kicked out of his tower, Master Jewelrose called me a simpleton and said that when it comes to that one, people can totally get killed for implying things like that."

"Killed for implying what?"

Everyone jumped at the sound of the familiar voice. Yelena walked casually up to them and took a seat, rubbing her arms. She wore her grey cloak over a simple outfit and had braided her hair.

There was a moment of silence as everyone stared at her.

She seemed unfazed by the scrutiny but asked dutifully, "What are you looking at?"

"It's just…" Janco wiped the back his neck. "Are you alright? Should you even be up right now?"

"I'm fine."

"Yeah that thousand yard stare really helps with your case."

Yelena glanced up at Janco and blinked twice. "Humor me. I need to get away for a bit. My parents want to hear about everything."

"The potion…" Leif chimed in, "Is it working well? Do you need me to increase the dose or anything like that?"

She shook her head. "It works fine. I just need a bit more sleep. What have you found?"

Yelena was caught up to speed on the housing arrangements and ensuing discovery. When she spoke, her voice was lethal and steady. "I want to find this guy. And I'm going to make him pay."

"We need to know which cottage he'll be staying in though." Leif pointed out. But relief shone in his face all the same at her rekindled focus. "The problem is, there's few traces left to go off of."

"That's easy. We'll just throw tear gas in through each door. We'll know we've found them when we hear screaming and see people jumping out windows." Yelena said flatly.

All four men looked at her with expressions of incredulity and wariness combined.

"I'm kidding. We'll do it the tame way. Fisk and his Helper's Guild can be of help." She pointed to several circles. "No one would pay too much attention to a couple homeless children running around. They would know who is 'temporarily' occupying the cottage and be able to eliminate several circles at once. It won't work as well if there are holes in the circle."

"What if they're moving around to evade suspicion?" Ari pointed out.

"I think for the moment the Council can turn a blind eye to a few homeless families finding shelter in an empty house. Especially with the cold season coming in…it can't be easy trying to sleep outside. It gets very cold…and dark." Her eyes glazed over again as her voice drifted away.

Someone cleared their throat, snapping Yelena back. She looked up to see Bain, arms filled with books, gesturing to her. "Child, we have much to discuss about your meeting with the Commander."

"Of course." She replied mechanically. "I'll be right there."

Yelena bid her companions goodbye and began walking away. As she did, Janco called out to her, "Yelena!"

She turned.

"Please feel better soon. We want to see you better."

Yelena smiled, but there was no warmth or reassurance in it. "I know."

When her silhouette had disappeared, Leif buried his face in his hands. "She's scaring me."

"Join the club…" Ari agreed.

"We can't leave her alone for too long." Valek spoke. "There's no telling what she's bound to do in her condition."

"How long do you think she'll be like this?" Janco asked. "When will she get better?"

Leif shook his head again. "Some people who went through what she did never got better. And when I didn't protect her from Roze…I…"

"Not to be the annoying optimist here," Janco held his hand up. "But maybe in place of the guilt trips we should be thinking of ways to help her get better."

"Training helped." Ari suggested. "When she learned to defend herself, she grew stronger."

"Yeah, so maybe if we get her out there again, it'll help snap her back."

"Trauma is not something one gets better from." Valek's face was expressionless, a clear sign of aggravation. "In some cases, it ends up being a life-long arrangement. She's the only one with the power to bring herself back."

"Really?"

"I know a thing or two about trauma."

Janco slumped back into his seat. "I didn't mean it that way. But it's just frustrating knowing I can't be of any useful help to my friend."

Ari put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure our girl will have the strength to get herself out of this. But you have the right idea, Janco. It wouldn't hurt to remind her of that if possible."

"This isn't about you. Don't make it about you." Valek cautioned.

Yelena

The next few days fell into a blur as I succumbed to a routine of liaison duties, visiting May, Opal, and Sky to give an attentive ear, going home to soothe my anxious parents, and being called on by my one or several of my friends right after.

I never felt so alone.

Bain kept me busy with his requests. For the longest time, he had badgered me to convince the Commander to "donate" some of the books that collected dust in the unused library. Nothing broke the magician's heart more than books going unread. I had no doubt that if his tower ever went on fire, his first concern would be which book to rescue. He droned on as I nodded, giving every pretense of sympathizing.

Valek kept his distance but snuck in nightly after my mother had gone to bed. We'd talk about mundane things in an attempt at normalcy or kept companionable silence. Guilt welled in me when I never invited him into bed with me.

But the act itself nauseated me and I couldn't stand waking him up in the middle of the night with my screaming.

When everyone had finally gone and I was given reprieve in the solitude, I'd let the blackness take me if it would.

Reyad visited often in my dreams, taunting me. It grew worse after I took my last dose of Moonmist. "I thought a relationship was about give and take?" He sniffed. "But it seems these days you're doing a whole lot more taking than anyone's signed up for. The day came sooner than I thought it would. Won't be much longer now, my dear. Keep doing what you're doing. Soon I will be all you have left in this world."

I woke to the sound of crying and gasping breaths. Dawn had not yet broken. But I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.

Shuddering, I hugged my knees, trying to ease my racing heart.

My bow leaned against the wall adjacent to the closet across the room. I wiped the tears away as I stared at it.

"Hey look who's feeling better and starting to look like her good old self!" Janco came up to me as I practiced a kata.

I shifted my stance and rotated the bow from left to right and back again, ending the set.

Janco said something but I was still focused on my bow: the smooth ebony and the grains lodged within it. It suddenly fascinated me how firm and solid the bow was and the way its grip was made for my hand and height.

That momentary lapse of thought was all it took. Janco swung his bow, striking me fully in the abdomen. I hurled flat on my back several feet away.

My friend walked up to me and leaned on his bow, perplexed. "That was a direct frontal strike, Yelena. A rookie could have dodged that easily. What happened there?"

His voice seemed so far away. I found it difficult to breathe as my mind registered the wind being knocked out of me and the incapacitating pain.

"Yelena?" Ari, who had witnessed the entire scene, bounded up next to Janco. He peered down at me in concern.

Breathing heavily, I rolled onto my side, my legs curled near my chest. I couldn't find the means to stand. The growing aches in my back and limbs made it too painful to move.

Janco smiled ruefully and shook his head. "No magical healing powers. Looks like you'll have to let the body take all the hits and recover on its own. It won't be easy since you've been out of touch with that. But you can do it."

Ari concurred with a sigh as he knelt. He offered me his hand. But there was such reluctance in the gesture that I knew I was expected to stand up on my own.

"I'll be fine." I said between labored breaths, "Janco's right. I'm just not used to this. I only need a minute."

Ari nodded and stood, walking away. I tried to not look at his back as I reached for my bow. Using it for support, I slowly and agonizingly stood.

Janco straightened and shrugged. "Well, looks like you need a break. Let's try this again tomorrow."

I slumped my shoulders and couldn't meet his eyes. I made my way off the training field, my now aching back making it nearly impossible to even stand straight.

Halfway to the baths, I decided to take a detour to the stables. Even after we lost our mental connection, Kiki would still greet and nuzzle me for apples. I hoped she would be as affectionate without treats.

The walk to the stables was excruciatingly slow with the tenderness. Several students walked past me with curious eyes watching my slouched and limping posture. I sighed as I trudged into Kiki's stall. She looked up from her water trough and leaned out with a happy nicker. I smiled in genuine relief when she let me touch her.

"You still smile more at horses, I see." Cahil came up next to me, uninvited.

Familiar irritation brewed in me. "And is there anything wrong with that?"

"No I don't suppose so." Arms behind his back, he looked at me intently. "You seem to be doing remarkably well."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The other girls didn't fare as well. Some went catatonic or are crying constantly. And you once told me that having your mind forced into is worse than being raped. But somehow you're up, walking about, and no doubt scheming as usual."

"Is it really your purpose in life to be a never ending pain in my ass?"

"Easy, Yelena, I was only being concerned about you." He looked me up and down. I cringed under his scrutiny. "What happened to you?"

I scoffed. "None of your business. And concerned? Don't make me laugh." I gave Kiki one last pat and began to leave.

Cahil stepped in front of me, blocking my way. I tried to walk around him but he mirrored me again.

I glared at him but anxiety was already bubbling in my chest. "Don't make me move you."

"It wouldn't hurt you to be a bit nicer."

"What do you want?"

"Maybe an apology for that attitude. Or maybe for you to stop going around playing the victim and taking up all of Master Bloodgood's and Jewelrose's valuable time."

"I don't have time for this. Last chance: get the hell away from me." I clutched my bow.

"Do you really want to get in a fight in that condition?"

I scoffed and tried to move around him again.

"The all-powerful Soulfinder," He let me go but barked out a laugh. "And look at what you are now. A couple hits are all it takes to keep you down."

I stopped, my knuckles whitened as my fist clenched around the bow.

"That is…if anything even happened. I doubt the magician got far in you. You managed to fight off a Master Magician when she tried to do it to you. And you're telling me this rogue magician could do what Roze couldn't? While you're at it, get that Opal to quit moping around too."

At his mention of Opal, I whipped around and struck him with the bow, sending him toppling over into the pile of hay.

He staggered up quickly, seething with anger. Kiki snorted, dragging her hoof restlessly. Cahil wiped his mouth and cocked his head toward her. "You can't even talk your horse into doing tricks for you anymore. Face it, Yelena. You're not even half of what you used to be."

I crossed my arms, making every attempt to keep my expression neutral. But my voice wavered, giving me away. "And what are you? You can't be Ixian and you're not Sitian. You want to be king but you have no legitimate claim to the throne. At the same time, you can't hope to be anything else but a Wannabe king."

I tried walking away. But I turned my back. Big mistake.

Cahil grabbed my arm and yanked me back toward him. I dropped the bow and couldn't suppress a whimper when my back punished me for sudden movement. "Like I said. I'd watch myself, if I were you."

He threw me into an open stall. I crashed through the door and into the back wall. Cahil stood over me as I lay sprawled in the hay. His face held a peculiar lilt of awe as he looked down on me and then at his own hand. "I couldn't do that before."

"No!" Adrenaline rushed me and I forgot my pain for a second. I drop kicked him down.

He stood, casually and chuckling, as if he had tripped and taken a light fall of his own accord. "You're nothing without your magic. Losing it turned you into just another defenseless little girl to be taught a lesson."

"You're wrong." I snarled as I threw another punch at him.

But my blows were slow and sluggish. Cahil caught my fist with one hand and struck my face with the other. I rammed head first into the side of the stall and back onto the ground, tasting blood. Pure panic and fear clouded any rational, fighting thoughts.

"I am?" He mocked.

I lunged at him again. My blows were staggered and slow. He dodged and deflected them easily. Taking both my arms, he shoved me into the back of the stall once more.

Cahil blocked the front and the light, sneering down at me. "Come on, get up. Show the world how powerful you still are, Soulfinder."

He moved in and I shut my eyes and covered my head, bracing myself for what'd happen next.

There was a loud nickering and with a heavy thud, Cahil landed face down and unconscious. Kiki stood over him, fully prepared to kick him again if need be. She stepped over him and was by my side.

…And now I was saved by a horse. Have I hit rock bottom yet?

Kiki leaned down and nudged me gently, as if urging a newborn colt to stand. When I couldn't, I burst into tears. She knelt down patiently and let me cry on her.

I turned the key in the lock and opened the door to see the concerned, gaping faces of Ari, Janco, Leif, and Valek. Perfect. This was turning out to be one hell of a bad day.

"Yelena!" Leif sputtered as he shot up from his seat, "What the…where were…what the hell happened to you?!"

I hadn't walked by anything reflective on my way over but I imagined I must have looked a lot worse than I thought. Still, a bitter part of me found the whole situation rather funny. I laughed a hollow sound. "Well when I can't get beaten up properly, I get the worst urge to go look for trouble myself."

Nobody laughed.

"That wasn't funny. Sorry."

Valek was by my side in an instant. He reached out and took my hand to support me.

"I'm fine." I assured him.

He gave me a stony look. But there was a momentary lapse where he raised his eyebrows to cover up anxiety written on his face.

I hurried to soothe him. "It looks worse than it really is. You're just not used to seeing me without healing magic. I'm fine, really."

I made my way over to the couch and sat down slowly as my battered body protested vehemently.

"What happened?" Valek demanded. At the same time, Leif rushed up and declared he was going to go fetch me a healing tea and something for the pain.

"After training with Janco, I ran into Cahil and picked a fight. I was careless and he managed to hurt me. Kiki saved me."

Ari set up his med kit next to me and began to tend to my wounds. "You need to take better care of yourself." He said sternly.

"The Wannabe King did this to you?" Valek's voice was filled with incredulity and doubt.

I sighed and shook my head. Something about having to explain myself drained me. "I'm just not myself today. It's been an – ow! – bad day." Ari probed a gash on my arm without reprieve.

"We were worried when you didn't come back." Janco explained the reason for their sudden social call. "Where were you? What were you doing?"

Leif came back with the tea and handed it to me.

I cradled the mug, already dreading the bitter taste. "I went to the stables. I wanted to see Kiki. Cahil found me there."

"Why did you two start fighting? Were you arguing?" Leif asked.

"I…"

He sighed. "I hate to tell you this, Yelena. But without your powers, you'll have to do things the way we do it. And that's by trusting your instincts. Cahil's going to pay for what he did but you've interacted with this guy before. And it never goes well, remember? In your condition, you should have backed off."

I winced as Ari moved on to a gash on my forehead. Shame welled in me. I felt my stomach clench with nauseous remorse at my rash actions. He was right. I could have flat out ignored Cahil. I could have walked away when he finally let me. There was no reason for me to have gotten in that fight.

"But here's an idea that might perk you up!" Leif's voice and wide grin broke my reverie. "How about I take you home for a while? Now before you think you're just going to be sandwiched between our parents all day, think of it as a vacation. You can climb trees, swing through the jungle...we can go explore and discover things…I'll even leave my dignity and let you take all the credit if we do find something!"

His use of my cherished childhood memories wasn't lost on me. I laughed for the first time in ages. "I'd really like that, actually."

When Ari had finished, Leif took his place next to me. "You can take it easy for a bit. Work through this…and heal."

"Yes and when you get better I can kick your ass for real." Janco joined in with a smirk.

Valek squeezed my shoulder gently from behind. I already felt my heart lift at the notion of being away.

But before I could reply, a soft knock came on the door. Ari answered it to reveal Irys.

Upon seeing my state, she hurried over and took the seat Leif promptly gave up. A cool hand was pressed gently against my forehead. "You're feverish."

"I'm a bit stressed." I told my mentor.

She pursed her lips and nodded in understanding. "You'll get through this. Take some of Healer Hayes's sleeping drafts when you need it." She retracted her hand. "I have bad news though. Quite a few people are a bit upset over what happened to Cahil."

She held up a hand before I could argue. "I know he must have done something to deserve getting kicked. Sandseed horses seldom get involved in fights unless their riders are in actual danger. But at the same time, he's carved out a somewhat indispensable reputation for himself these days. He has several supporters who are outraged."

"Wait a minute!" Leif waved his hands. "This guy goes and beats the hell out of my sister and everyone feels sorry for him?"

"That's the thing." Irys turned to me, her eyes scrutinizing me. "The stable master saw him follow you in and listened for a brief while. He said there was a bickering and dismissed it, not wanting to 'babysit' or apparently hear any more declarations of unrequited love." She looked at me.

But I eyed her flatly and unflinchingly. What did that have to do with anything?

She broke eye contact first and sighed. "He said he heard someone strike with a bow. You him first, didn't you, Yelena?"

I felt everyone's eyes on me and it took all I had to not run out the door. "I did. But please believe me when I say I had a good reason."

"Why did you hit him, then?"

I thought back to the event…Leif's statement on being more careful and "trusting my instincts"…how I could have prevented it…everyone's disappointment. Guilt overwhelmed me and I felt hollow inside. It was my fault.

Irys took my hand. "If it makes you feel any better, his self-defense claim didn't work given…how many times he apparently had to hit you back to 'protect himself.' The Council decided to drop all charges and chalk it up to a bad argument and an ensuing 'tumble' from all the tension surrounding recent events. That being said, I think it would be best if you left Sitia until things have cooled down." I knew her ulterior motive before she said it: It wouldn't do to have too many people know there's a mentally unstable Soulfinder wandering around.

"She doesn't have to leave. She can just lay low." Leif interjected. He briefly explained his idea to her.

"It wouldn't bode well for your clan's councilor." Irys said wryly. "And being in Ixia could help you a lot more. It's been years. You can go back to where those triggers are and face those demons, defeating them once and for all. And you'll have your friends and heart mate there to support you. It could be good for you, maybe better than simply running away from these problems."

But the image of Opal, May, and Sky came into my mind. During my visits, they managed to get me to promise to stay with them.

"I can't leave, Irys." I said as firmly as I could. "Unless…unless they come with me."

"Why would…oh." She sighed and kneaded her temples. "Yelena, those women will be looked after. I'm sure Leif and Mara will look after them." She eyed Leif pointedly.

"Of course!" Leif said without hesitation.

"It's for the best Yelena." Irys finished.

"I promised I'd stay with her." I said.

"Yelena…" One side of Leif's mouth turned down. "No offense, but you're not really in the best place to look after someone right now. And especially with small children involved on Opal's side…"

"She's right, Yelena." Irys said before I could argue. "We're worried about you too. You need to get better first. And this is probably the best way to do it."

I wanted to tell her that it wouldn't be good for me: That Ixia was the exact last place I wanted to be right now. That – whatever she was thinking - that's not how it worked. But I kept quiet, lacking the strength to fight and knowing by the firm set in her jaw that she had already decided my course of action when she walked in the door.

"…And you'll have good reasons to stay for an extended period of time as you need to research a possible connection with Ixia and give the season's communication to the Commander." Irys was talking but I barely heard her.

"Season's communication?" I asked.

She sighed. "Yes the Council's reports and opinions. You are to deliver that to him twice a year, remember? It was a decision we made only a few months ago. We agreed on the two times of year when either one of us are most politically vulnerable: the cold season, when there won't be any generals traveling over to interrupt, and the hot season, when the Council will be in recess and there won't be any added memos."

"It's the cold season? Oh right. I'm sorry. It feels as if a lot has happened since then."

Irys shook her head and peered at me briefly in concern. But she eventually stood and bade us all good night.

Leif smiled sadly at me. I released a breath that I had been holding. These things never do work out, I suppose.

Valek lingered in the apartment after everyone left.

I closed the door and shuffled back toward the couch. But I was so tired. No longer trusting my legs, I stopped and lowered myself to the ground in the middle of the room. Fresh tears welled up in my eyes again. I breathed deeply and shaded my eyes with one hand, willing them to wait; be put off until I was properly alone. Even now I could still hear Valek's skepticism. I didn't want him to see this display of weakness too.

Valek came back with water and sat quietly down next to me. Why wouldn't he just leave?

He handed me the glass. "Do you want me to kill him?" Steely blue eyes appraised me, but there was rare, uncharacteristic anxiety in them.

Just stop. It's too much and I want you to leave, I almost said outright.

"Thanks for the offer. But please don't. I'm in enough trouble as it is."

Valek nodded and matched my posture, resting his arms around his raised knees.

After a moment of silence, I found my courage and spoke, "I would rather be alone tonight." I stared down into the water, growing distracted with the ripples.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm just…all pain right now. I'd be more comfortable… sleeping alone."

He helped me to my feet and, still holding his hand, I led him to the door.

Valek brushed his lips briefly against my forehead. "I'll be back to check on you in the morning, love."

When I finally managed to get the door closed behind me, I felt the tears stream down my face with increasing speed, like river flowing through a shattered dam.

Reyad waved a ghostly handkerchief at me. "Keep going, Yelena. You're doing just excellent, love. Soon, even your bed won't hold any appeal whatsoever for him."

May and Sky had looked at me with vacant eyes when I told them of the news the next morning. Would they be alright? Sure, they said. They could always send a message to me if they needed to. Sure, they echoed again.

Opal turned out a bit more differently.

"I'm fine. Most of this came from the training field. How are you today, Opal?" I asked her after we had settled in her living room.

"Same as yesterday." She picked at the corners of the pillow in her lap. "I just feel so alone."

"You don't seem alone though. There's Leif, Mara, Reema, and Teegan too."

"And you?" Opal looked at me uncertainly.

I shifted, uncomfortable. "Of course. I'll always help you if I can. But remember when we talked about having more people we can trust in our life?"

"They don't understand." Opal shook her head. "They don't know anything about what we're going through."

"Maybe they don't have to. Maybe they can still help."

"They can't. They try and most of the time they just make things worse. It's so exhausting. Sometimes I wish they'd understand there's nothing they can do."

"Maybe you need to be more honest with them about what you need. They want to help you, Opal."

"Why are you talking like this?" She demanded, standing up abruptly and backing away. "What's wrong? What's happening?"

I couldn't bear to lie. "Opal, I have to leave."

"Oh…well that's inconvenient." She shrugged. "I have a few things to bring but that's alright I suppose."

"No, you don't understand." I clutched my arms. "I'm going to Ixia."

"What?!"

I reached out to her but she flinched away. "I don't understand…you promised…"

"I'm sorry." I said in a soft voice.

"Then again, why am I surprised? You always leave when I need you…when I need someone to talk to…someone who'd understand."

"This wasn't my choice. Cahil-"

"Of course it wasn't. It never is. There's always something more important at the last minute. Something that won't make it seem like you're deserting me." She threw her hands up and began to pace. "And let me guess, Mara and Leif are going to take me in to look after me. But of course I don't know anything about that yet because they're just busy right now with something else and were going to get around to telling me eventually, like gee, I don't know, while I'm being packed and moved across the city. Yeah that's a good time."

"I'm sorry." I repeated, feeling like a parrot.

Opal crossed her arms and shrugged with agitation. "It's fine. I can't say anything else other than that. Everyone leaves eventually. You, Zitora, Tula, Ari, Janco…Kade…Ulrich…Devlen…But that's okay. It's just time for Opal to learn to stand on her own, isn't it? Nothing like tough love! No pain, no gain. And nothing hurts more effectively than abandonment. I would know."

"I wish it didn't have to be this way." I said as steadily as I could. "You know if I had another option I would…"

"Just don't, Yelena." She turned away. "Just go."

I lingered a few seconds longer before I quietly walked out the door.

In my room, I began to pack for the trip back. My mind was in a complete stupor as I mechanically folded clothes and collected the essentials.

A clatter disrupted the flow. I glanced down to see the water flask on the ground, its lid cracked and the contents spilling out into a puddle on the ground. For a moment I could only watch it…watch as the water continued to run and the puddle grow bigger and bigger. I'd have to buy another one. I'd have to go to the market and find a stall that sold water flasks. Then I'd have to see a person and talk to them when I paid for the new flask. Then I'd have to fill it up again. But first, I had to clean this up.

The numbing came first, taking all sensation from my body when I reached out for a cloth to wipe the mess up with.

Mess…

My heart began to race and my breath come out in short, jagged gasps, hurling me over. I reached for my throat with shaking hands. When they touched my neck, they clenched, choking me.

Whimpering, I fell back onto the bed as tears streamed down my face. Breathe, my mind screamed as my head slammed down on the mattress. Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!

Eyes wide toward the ceiling, I felt my world blur and fade as I choked the life out of myself.

Now will you let me comfort you?

I blinked rapidly as my breath returned. Yes.

Guest #1: Ahh you're so sweet! Every author wants to hear that people look forward to their updates. You make my heart soar like a lawnmower in space. :D And I'm trying to incorporate more of the others' POV but I worry about the whole thing spiraling into manpain galore. xD

Guest #2: Thank you so much for reviewing! You're wonderful! And yes it always bothered me how this part of her just disappeared gradually in the second and third books. But of course "strong female characters" just get over this sort of thing right? *sarcasm*

As usual, please review everyone! And yes, that includes you sneaky followers too. ;)