-20-

Dawn came far too quickly. Both Ryll and Merlin felt that way as they blinked their eyes open. Merlin sat up in bed, looking around his shabby room. Everything looked a little greyer with the thought of Ryll leaving Camelot. The joy he had felt the night before – the exhilaration when he had kissed her and she had kissed him back – was now gone, replaced with an emptiness that threatened to consume him. This was all so unexpected. He hadn't really planned on that happening. Maybe a little. Maybe he'd felt like if he didn't, it would be too late. What had he been thinking? Last he'd noticed she and Arthur were close. He was the prince of Camelot. Merlin was just a servant. Why should she choose him over Arthur? Not that Uther would ever allow anything to happen between his son and Ryll. Certainly not now. Merlin couldn't just let her go without knowing how she felt. Maybe the answer would make him hurt all the more, but he couldn't let her leave without knowing.

…

Ryll dressed in the clothes she had been wearing when she'd arrived in Camelot. She had her sword and her bow and that was it. It was just as if she were arriving in Camelot for the very first time. If only. Owl would be waiting for her in the stables, and then she would be off. The ragged pain she had felt the night before had faded to a dull ache. There was a knock on the door, and she opened it to find Arthur standing there.

"Can I come in?" he asked solemnly.

"Of course." Ryll moved aside so he could come in and shut the door behind him.

"I'm so sorry that it's come to this," Arthur said.

"I'm alive still," Ryll replied. "What more can I ask for?" Arthur watched her, his clear blue eyes sad.

"That's very true. I could never have watched you be executed. What you did was brave. You told the truth despite the risk to yourself. You've gained my trust, Ryll."

"I'm glad we can part as friends," Ryll replied. Arthur's expression wavered for a moment. Before he could speak, Ryll continued. "Arthur, you mean a great deal to me, but you're the prince of Camelot. Your father would never let anything happen between us, especially now. I'm sorry, but we can never be together. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I really hope this isn't the last time we meet. Perhaps there will come a time when Camelot will call on me for help."

Arthur smiled. His eyes were still sad, but Ryll could see the acceptance behind them. "Perhaps," he said. "I wish you the best of luck." He came forward and kissed her on the cheek, and then he was gone. The first kiss they had shared seemed so long ago. Her feelings for him had faded somewhere in between the realization that nothing could ever happen between them and her confusion about Merlin. Who was she kidding anyway? She would never want to be a queen. Uther would never allow it to begin with, but that wasn't what she wanted anyway.

Merlin. She had to see him one last time before she left. She was halfway to the physician's quarters before she'd even realized she had left her room. And there he was, coming to find her. They both stopped, hesitating at the sight of each other. Ryll felt suddenly nervous. She'd thought of Merlin as a friend for so long, the unbidden feelings that crept up were foreign to her. They frightened her. This was different from what she had felt for Arthur. She felt so much more comfortable around Merlin – like she could be herself, like nothing was expected of her. He was safe, and she wanted to be near him.

"I wanted to see you before I left," she said finally, breaking the silence.

"Me too."

"Is there somewhere we can talk?" Ryll asked. Standing out in the hall, she felt so exposed. Merlin motioned toward the parapet that lay beyond a set of doors.

"Out there should be quiet." They walked outside, finding a secluded alcove along the parapet. No guards were visible, and so they were alone. Ryll watched as the sun stained the sky red. She would have to leave soon. The thought tore her apart.

"I don't even know what to say," Merlin said after a pause.

"Me neither."

"I just wanted to ask, before you go, what it is we have…?" Merlin hesitated. "How you feel…?" he stammered over his words.

"How I feel about you?" Ryll finished his sentence. He nodded, his cheeks reddening ever so slightly.

"Merlin, you've been my friend since I arrived in Camelot. I've always felt so safe around you, like I can trust you with anything. You've never judged me, only accepted me for who I was – before even I could accept myself. You helped me find myself and come to terms with my past. I don't even know where to begin." She took a step toward him. "And perhaps I'm not completely sure how I feel. It took me by surprise. But I feel like I've been feeling it for longer than I ever knew." She caught her breath. "Right now all I can think is that it hurts me so much to have to leave you."

"Me too." He filled in the gap between them, pulling her into a tight embrace. She wrapped her arms around him, burying her head in his shoulder.

"You don't have to know what you're feeling," he murmured. "I just wanted to know if you care about me as much as I care about you."

"Of course. I've always known that," she said into his shoulder. "But I can't tell you I love you because we can't be together." The words felt like daggers on her tongue, and she felt him stiffen slightly. "You have a life here, and now I don't. I don't know what will happen to me."

"I won't let anything happen to you."

"You can't make that promise. But Merlin, I promise: I will find a way to return to Camelot."

"I could come with you."

Ryll pulled away, looking into Merlin's eyes. "You have no idea how much I'd love that, but you can't. I'm not going to be responsible for ruining the life you have here and dragging you into exile with me. You have to stay. Promise me you'll stay. Promise me you'll move on with your life." Merlin's eyes were pained. "Please," Ryll pleaded with him.

"I promise."

The sun was nearly risen now. Ryll cursed it silently. "I have to go," she said. It took every bit of her strength to say those words.

"Camelot won't be the same without you, you know," Merlin told her.

"There won't be anyone to kill humbatas or cure all the villagers or upset all the knights at a tournament. I imagine it might be rather quiet without me."

This got a smile out of Merlin. Ryll found herself smiling back. "I'm going to miss you so much," she said.

"I'm going to miss you too."

"I'm not going to say goodbye because that implies I won't see you again. I'm going to see you again though. I promise. No matter what it takes."

"I'll hold you to that promise." Merlin smiled at her and for a moment she forgot her banishment. She put her arms around the back of his neck and drew him closer until their lips touched. The sun kissed their faces, and Ryll pulled away.

"Until we meet again," she said, touching a hand to his cheek before turning away. She didn't look back. Merlin watched her leave, his heart breaking as she vanished from sight.

…

When Ryll reached the stables, she found that Morgana was waiting for her, holding Owl's reins. The small horse was saddled and the saddlebags were bulging with food and supplies. "I couldn't let you leave empty handed," Morgana said. "Especially after all you've done for us." She pulled Ryll into a hug, and Ryll fought back tears.

"I'm going to miss you, Morgana," she said.

"I can't imagine life without you. You're like a sister to me," Morgana replied. "I'll try to get Uther to change his mind – to at least let you come back some day."

"Thank you, but I don't want you to argue with him on my account. He made a fair judgment."

Morgana's eyes clouded over, and Ryll could see that she was furious with Uther. Her thoughts flashed back to Morgana's words: Sometimes I wish he were dead. She felt a stab of fear for her friend. Taking Morgana's hands, she said, "Don't let Uther's duty as king get in the way of your relationship with him. He tries to be a father to you; I can see it. You're too much alike – both stubborn and set in your views. You just have very different views sometimes." Morgana nodded. "Just don't let him get to you," Ryll added. "He does love you."

"Where will you go?" Morgana asked, changing the subject.

"I don't know. I never really had anywhere to call home before I came to Camelot. I'll just travel, I suppose. It's not all that bad. Maybe I'll find a village I like and live there." She smiled. "Don't worry about me, Morgana. If there's one thing I know how to do it is survive. But I will miss Camelot. It felt so much like home."

"You'll return some day," Morgana promised her. "Arthur and I will make sure of that."

She handed the reins to Ryll, and Ryll mounted. She looked down at Morgana. "Be strong," she said. "Camelot would be lost without you to look out for it."

Morgana smiled. "It's going to be lost without you whether it knows it or not," she said. "Goodbye, Amaryllis."

"Goodbye." She turned Owl and together they made their way out of the city. Ryll looked back once, her eyes traveling to the parapet where she had stood with Merlin. He still stood there, looking over the stone railing. His eyes met hers and an unspoken promise went out to her. I will find you.

"I will find you too," she whispered. Then she turned away and pushed Owl into a gallop. Camelot melted into the distance until the castle was hidden by the trees. Amaryllis didn't look back again as she rode into the depths of the forest. She didn't stop riding until long after the sun had set and they were miles from Camelot. Behind her was the life she longed to go back to, ahead of her was the unknown, and she was ready to face it.

…

Merlin watched until Ryll rode out of sight, swallowed by the trees. She was really gone. The last day had passed in a blur. If he couldn't still feel the warmth of her lips where they had touched his, he might have thought he'd imagined the whole thing. He'd promised her he would move on without her, but how was that possible? He'd only just realized he couldn't live without her.

He found his way back to the physician's quarters long after the sun had risen. Gaius didn't mention Ryll, but set him up with a long list of tasks to complete. Merlin knew he was just trying to help distract him, but he could hardly focus on what he was doing. He headed out to the woods in the afternoon to collect herbs for Gaius, following the trail Ryll would have taken, hardly paying any attention to where he was going. The forest seemed so empty, so quiet. It didn't occur to him that something else was wrong. Not until he heard the screech and saw the beast. It came straight at him, its golden beak clicking, wings spread out six feet on either side. Merlin thought for a moment he was looking death in the eye. Then a body came hurling out of nowhere and knocked him aside. A sword was thrust at the best, and it flew off with an angry screech. Merlin shook himself, looking over to see who had saved him. A man who looked to be a few years older than him looked back at him with dark eyes.

"You saved my life, thank you," Merlin said, holding out a hand to help the man up. "I'm Merlin."

"Lancelot," the man introduced himself. He took a step forward and then winced with pain, his hand went to his side and came away red.

"You're injured," Merlin said just as the man slumped over in pain. He hurried over to help him up. "My horse is just a little ways away. Let's get you some help." And just like that his life was back to normal. For a second he forgot to miss Ryll. He thought of her later that night when Lancelot slept away his injury and Merlin mulled over the strange creature that had attacked earlier, but as the days passed and new issues presented themselves, the pain got a little easier to bear. He could almost pretend that the last few months had not happened, that it was all a dream. Almost.

Merlin Will Return

I hope you enjoyed the first installment of my Merlin saga. It turned out to be about 100 pages longer than I expected. (144 pages in Word!) I plan on continuing with four more installments - one for each series. The next one will mostly take place outside of Camelot while Ryll is banished. It's also going to include a lot of a certain character who was introduced at the end of this chapter. Eventually she's going to come back to Camelot. Somehow. Let's plot against Uther. Anyway, let me know what you thought! It always makes my day to hear from my readers. It makes my day just to see that people are reading it.

I included the little Merlin pov at the end of this chapter to sort of give a vague timeline. I know that the Lancelot episode is like episode 5 in series one, but I kind of stretched things out a little. I don't plan on actually writing out any scenes/story lines that happened in the show unless it's absolutely necessary.

Thanks again for reading!