~Janco~

Janco took a deep breath before raising his hand to knock on the door. Scratching below where his right ear used to be, he tapped his foot nervously. He was planning on stopping by later, possibly in the afternoon, but something was very off. He could feel it.

Yelena opened the door slowly. She raised her eyes, but they were as vacant and dull as ever. "Did you need anything?"

"Just checking in on you…" Janco replied. "…to see if you were alright and all after last night. Can I bring you anything?"

Yelena shook her head and asked, "Where are Ari and Valek?"

Janco fought the urge to wave a hand in front of that thousand yard stare as he kept his voice cheery. "Out following a lead. It was a bit last minute but I'm sure they'll let us know if they find anything!"

"When will they be back?"

"Tonight, if possible. Yelena are you sure-"

"And Leif and Irys?"

"Leif's coming by in a few to give you a different kind of tea…to help with the bruising since you're without your you know…um…And that magician is off following another lead as well." Janco leaned forward as he appraised her nervously. "It won't be much longer. Are those other symptoms coming back again?"

It took more than a few seconds for her to nod as she stepped to the side. "Do you want to come in?"

Janco accepted her invitation and crossed the threshold. He observed the sparse living area and white walls, deciding that for once, it was just right in terms of those gaudy, extravagant decorations the Sitians loved. There was sunlight streaming in through an open window but it still felt empty. There wasn't any of that substance – the magic he could, for the past few years, literally smell off his friend.

The air itself seemed so eternally still it was as if one could gather it in a box.

But there was a pinching itch. Janco clapped his hand to the back of his neck to swat the bug off.

There was no blood or pain, a very unique modification of Valek's.

But he should have known, he realized as he fell to his knees. They've done enough training to know what darts feel like and most importantly, how to best act during the ten seconds they had after being jabbed by one.

But by the time Janco turned to face her, she had shut and locked the door. And like a simpleton, he squandered the last of his time gaping at her. "Yelena…what…?"

Yelena walked around him as she clutched herself, appraising his Curare frozen form. In a trance-like state, she retrieved ropes and began to bind his arms and legs.

Unable to feel his body, it was a surreal experience for Janco to see and hear himself dragged across her living room into a closet.

Yelena pulled a shirt off a hanger and folded it into a makeshift pillow that she slipped beneath his head. Methodically, she disarmed him and set the rest of his limbs to ensure a comfortable recovery.

She shut the door and he heard the click of a lock in the darkness.

A few agonizing moments later, Janco heard her brother's muffled call. There was a shatter and a curse followed by a heavy thud.

The door opened again and Leif was dragged in with the same protocol taken. Her brother's face was frozen in his wide mouthed shock.

Yelena looked down on them both for a minute, her arms folded tightly against her as she trembled. But she eventually shook her head, regaining her resolve.

There was a glint as a key slipped out of her sleeve. "I'm sorry, Janco…Leif… But you'd stop me."

~Yelena~

I stood and set the rag aside. The stain seemed faint enough and there were no longer any mug shards littering the floor. Hugging myself, I swept my eyes one last time across the room to ensure it was clean enough.

My gaze stopped at the closet.

Change your mind. The buzz seemed to tell me. It's not too late to change your mind. Walk over. Unlock the door. Sit down next to them and wait for them to wake up.

But it was soon drowned away by that stranger. And then what? What will they say when they wake up? What will the others say when they know what you have done? You would never be able to face them again. It is too late to change your mind.

Suppressing the tears, I opened the front door. But before I could step out into the cold, the voice reminded me gently to bring my cloak. It wouldn't do to raise suspicion, after all.

Feeling numb, I walked down the steps of Irys's tower, realizing it would be the last time I'd see these steps.

"Mara?" I called out as I knocked on her door.

There was a rustle as something heavy was being set down. The lock clicked open and my sister-in-law opened the door.

"Yelena!" She looked me up and down, her eyebrows raised briefly in surprise. "What's the matter? I've heard about yesterday…how are you feeling? Leif actually went over just a few minutes ago to bring you a tea."

"I know. I just saw him actually." I laughed and looked contrite. "Although I was being clumsy and spilled all of it." It wasn't technically a lie, I suppose.

"Oh, you poor thing! You didn't burn yourself anywhere did you? And Leif had better not be giving you a hard time about this!"

"No, not at all! I did offer to retrieve ingredients for another one though. May I come in?"

Mara stepped aside and invited me in without hesitation.

I stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind me. When I turned, the dart slipped from my sleeve until the tips of my fingers could reach it easily. Vaguely, I realized I couldn't feel anything. I was merely looking down on an unrelated stranger as she took down her own friends.

Turning my head around the suite Mara and Leif shared together, I could only sense life and budding happiness. Mara's glass designs lined the counters and the shelves, their vibrant colors twinkling in the midday sun. Above them, Leif's pictures hung on the walls – paintings of idle life for the inhabitants of the Illiais Jungle.

My eyes fell on the picture of a mahogany tree covered by the tendons of a strangler fig. Soon the parasite will take all the life the tree has, leaving behind a hollow shell. I flinched and the hand that held the dart shook.

As long as I was here…I would be that tree…empty and dying on the inside.

Mara looked at me with slight unease but continued chatting about recovery being a process…me not being to blame…but her voice seemed so far away.

My hand flicked, as if I were saluting her. She fell back down on the couch, like a woman relaxing after a hard day's work.

I squeezed my eyes shut as hers glazed over in their shock.

It's not too late to turn back; that small, valiant voice in the back of my head piped up again. Sit next to Mara. Let them find you. Or give her Theobroma.

But it was soon stifled by the other, more powerful presence.

You will never have another opportunity like this again. They will make sure of that. You will be shut away in a locked room for the rest of your days. That is not freedom.

I looked up at Mara. The expression on her face looked too much like accusation.

I shook my head violently, willing away the conflicting emotions. It's almost over, I coached myself. Soon there will be no more pain, doubt, or anything like that anymore.

Only peace: I will finally be free.

~Irys~

Irys stood abruptly.

She took a slow, jagged breath as her blood ran cold. Cursing her own lack of foresight, she clambered on her horse and raced back to the Citadel in a mad gallop.

How could she have been such an idiot? If anything happened to her beloved student, it would be her own fault. If only she had postponed this trip for a few more days…!

Irys shook her head furiously. There was no use dwelling on the past. She leaned forward as she urged the horse faster.

The mare jumped over the wooden barriers, leaving behind stunned guards in their wake.

Bain ran toward her at the city's central, his white hair in greater disarray than usual and his robes billowing behind him.

"Irys!" The magician blocked her way, panting.

She all but rammed past him in her haste. But she slowed her horse to a trot.

"There's something…" Bain huffed as he ran next to her. "…you need to know, child."

Irys yanked the reins to a sudden halt, all but ready to throttle the old man.

"An oversight…" He hurried as he tried to catch his breath. "…I've made an oversight in my studies…"
"Get on with it!"

Bain was taken aback by the outburst but said simply, "I have not taken into account the very imminent possibility of unwanted mental contact."

"Why are you telling me this now?!"

"Yelena is gone."

Her heart sunk as her face paled. She had wanted so badly to be wrong.

"What?!"

The two magicians turned slowly to face a very livid mother and her husband.

"Gone?! What do you mean she's gone?!" Perl demanded.

Irys climbed down from the horse lest she be wrenched from it. Six pairs of eyes turned to Bain, who informed them promptly with guilt weighing heavily in his voice, "I had planned to tell her today. But she was absent from her room and no one has seen her."

Perl looked wildly about her as her mind scrambled to form a coherent plan. "Have you spoken to my son?"

"He was nowhere to be found either."

"That's not like him." Perl's anxiety was beginning to leak into Esau.

They were interrupted by a frantic cry as Opal ran up to them. "Mara…she…curare…"

Irys took the woman by her shoulders and asked urgently, "Leif and Janco: Do you know where they are?"

She nodded her head. "Also hit by curare. She locked them in her closet."

Irys looked away and cursed briefly. "And Valek and Ari? Are they back yet?"

Opal nodded quickly. "Valek somehow figured out what she'd do. He are Ari are reviving them as we speak."

Before anyone could say another word, the people in question came bounding up to them.

When the party was congregated, Perl spoke before anyone else could. "We're Yelena's family. So we'll take care of her." She looked at Esau and Leif. To the others, she gave a dismissive wave.

"You can't go alone." Irys moved to block her. "We're dealing with an unusually powerful magician here."

"She might come back." Valek added. "You should wait here if she does."

Perl turned to Valek with blazing eyes. "You're telling me to stay behind?"

"It is too dangerous."

There was a sudden ring of steel and the assassin had a sword pointed at his neck.

"Let me make one thing clear to you, Valek." Perl held the weapon with fatal steadiness. "I don't like you."

Her family jumped in at the same time. "Perl…" "Mother…!"

There was a growl as Ari slid his sword out of its scabbard silently.

Perl narrowed her eyes, daring all of them while never once taking her eyes off her enemy.

Valek held his hands up and made a silent wave to Ari to stand down. His friend complied and slid the sword back into the scabbard slowly.

Time stood still as Perl continued in the silence. "I don't know what you did or said to charm your way into my house, my family, and my daughter's heart…but believe me, you are one of the last men in this entire world I would ever want her to be with."

"Perl now is not the time." Esau tried to step closer but froze in place with one sharp glance by his wife.

"I seem to be the only who notices how problematic it is for Yelena to end up with the man who once legally owned her; who decided absolutely if she would live or die. And if I could have had it my way, she would have been able to leave all of this – everything to do with that accursed place - behind her long ago. In the meantime…" Perl lowered the sword slowly. "My little girl is out there and in danger. I can't save her alone but I will be absolutely damned if I let the likes of you tell me to stay behind. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes." Valek said simply.

~Yelena~

"Every breath I take is a struggle." I felt lightheaded from the confession, having held it in for so long. "Every second I have to get through…sometimes I wish desperately for my powers back. And it frightens me how I know that if I have my powers back, the first thing I would think to do is release my own soul into the sky. That scares me. How much I want to run…how done I am. I'd want to go somewhere just so I can find some peace and not have to suffer anymore. Living hurts so much right now. And it's mainly because I can't feel anything."

The Warper nodded sympathetically as he added another stick to the fire. The fire roared and swept violently against the howling night air. I clutched my cloak tightly against my body as my teeth chattered. Despite my anxiety around large fires, I had no choice but to inch closer for its warmth.

"I shouldn't even be telling you this." I said in utter disgust – with the man sitting next to me or with myself - I couldn't even tell anymore. "I shouldn't even be here."

To my utter surprise, the Warper only smiled. "It can feel that way, Yelena."

I realized I didn't even know his name. This whole time he had just been a disembodied voice without soul or body.

He must have seen the questioning look on my face because he said softly, "Jairus."

"Jairus." I repeated.

"What do you think is in the sky, Yelena?" He asked.

It was a question I've contemplated several times as a Soulfinder before; and could never develop a firm conviction on. But tonight the words leapt out of my mouth. "Peace. Tranquility. Comfort."

"Is that what it always was? Or does it feel different given recent circumstances?"

Gelsi and Stono drifted into my mind. The familiar sadness swept over me as I recalled how I had forced them back into their bodies when their time had passed. Gelsi had found her way back at the battle with the Fire Warper. But I had personally released Stono to the sky. I still remembered the way his soul bounded in utter bliss and joy before departing for the power blanket.

"It was always like this." I said softly.

"Sounds like a nice vacation."

A hollow laugh escaped me. "It's not a vacation. It's called dead."

Dead: Saying it aloud shook me to the core. What was I doing here if not to…?

I shot to my feet.

"Leaving so soon?" Jairus asked as calmly as if we were old friends having a quiet dinner.

I turned my back to him. But it was too late. The headache was coming back again. My hands flew to my temples as I fell to my knees.

The pain subsided as quickly as it came. My eyes fluttered open and I was curled on the ground, gasping.

Jairus had crouched next to me, one hand propped up on a knee. The other was extended out to me. I narrowed my eyes and staggered to my feet on my own.

"My, my, you are wilful."

"So I've been told."

He shrugged. "It makes no difference to me. For you, I can wait forever. But I doubt your friends would feel the same."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could spy Janco's familiar silhouette. The clattering of horse hooves soon followed.

"Yelena!"

I shut my eyes. I felt Jairus smirk.

"Whatever it is you're thinking about doing…" Judging by the panic in his voice, Janco must have had his hands up by now. "You don't really want to do it."

I think you do.

I started violently, shaking my head furiously.

"Fight him, Yelena!" Irys was calling out to me from the outside and the inside. I should have found comfort in her presence and protection. But right now it was just too much. It was all too much. My head was now threatening to split in half. I didn't want to fight anymore. A part of me even despised them for showing up now, after I was starting to feel so good.

"Yelena!" My eyes shot open. Mother stood before us. And Father was coming up behind her. How did it ever come to this? They were never supposed to see me like this.

"It's alright…" She was saying in that distant voice. "Whatever it is you've done…or thought of doing…we don't blame you, Yelena. We just want to take you home."

"Yes, Yelena." There was the sound of pebbles being shifted as Janco dared a step closer to me. "None of us blame you. We just want you here."

My vision started to spin and blur as Leif, Valek, Opal, Ari, Irys…all of them began to come into it. There was the sound of a knife whistling through the air. It was a battle and I needed to be fighting. But I couldn't…I can't…I fell.

I'm sorry.

It took a moment for me to feel and another to regain my bearings. I was on the ground again; this time flat on my face and my knees stinging from the impact.

"It wasn't supposed to be this painful." Jairus said with a resigned sigh. It was disturbing how his voice was always the clearest.

"You're wrong." Irys snarled. There was a ring of steel as she drew her sword. "It's going to be very painful."

"I wouldn't move closer…or do anything stupid. She's rather unstable right now." Jairus made a sweeping motion with his hand.

I couldn't suppress a sound of relief as the fogginess subsided and I was able to push myself up onto my elbows. But he stopped there. I felt strength drain away again. Tormented frustration filled me as he watched me, naming my body, mind, and soul his.

"It's remarkable how women seem to be put in this world to be victims." Jairus chuckled, "I doubt your Commander ever thought that through when he made his punitive Code of Behavior. But of course, being a man and one in power at that, it's highly unlikely he'd understand."

"You know nothing of Ixia." Valek spat.

"Oh? How do you think Brazell and Kangom managed to get away with this for so long? Because when women scream, everyone looks the other way. Some because they get off on it and others because they think it's a natural part of the world...a regrettable injustice that they wish didn't exist but would never dream of doing a thing to solve."

"Kangom was a genius. He figured out how to do this." Unambiguous admiration filled Jairus's voice.

"But you, Yelena Liana Zaltana," He crouched down to my level and reached to touch my face. My body jerked violently and my head turned away. "You are simply incredible. You were born to endure. It's irrevocably clear why Reyad wanted you so badly. He was a fool though: an impatient fool. He went too far too quickly. He should have seen his end coming from a mile away."

He shrugged and stood. A small gesture with his hand prompted the emergence of a figure brandishing a tray and a sinister smile from the shadows.

"Souls can be taken willingly. And I'm sure our Soulfinder, of all people here, can attest to that. If they are willing to give their souls, who are we to deny it being put to better use? The threads of your life, my dear…"

It was placed in front of me and my eyes widened with horror at what was proffered to me.

Jairus turned to my friends and spread his arms wide, "You see? I mean her no harm. I'm merely offering an end to the pain." He turned and smiled at me, "Take your time, Yelena. There's no rush. For…ah, wait. Something's missing."

Whistling a tune, he strode over to retrieve a discarded knife sharp and hard enough to stab completely upright in the mud.

It was placed on the tray, next to a clear vial of red liquid and rope.

"If you wanted to know which is the most reliable and fastest," Jairus counseled, "Hanging would be your best bet. Sorah here will drop hang you and your neck will snap before you feel a thing."

My heart clenched as I found I couldn't tear my eyes away from the items.

"But of course, what would possibly compare to 'Have a Drink, my Love?'" The sight of the red vial brought back old terrors when I was forced to ingest it twice. "One swig and you'll be too paranoid and disoriented to feel a thing."

My eyes fell on Valek's knife and the blood that had dried on it.

"How romantic, using your lover's knife. It would serve him right wouldn't it? For failing to protect you."

My eyes squeezed shut. I begged for my powers back at that point…Anything that could take me away instantaneously. Please, I couldn't bear it. But at least there was this. I opened my eyes and looked at the knife again.

"No Yelena!" It was Opal. She was yelling. She wanted my attention so badly.

A whimper escaped me as I thought of her and our last conversation. Please don't do this to me, Opal. Don't make it harder than it already is.

"It's not over, Yelena!" I heard Mother's voice. Fortitude few people knew she had laced it. "I believe in you, Yelena. I absolutely believe in you. You've survived because you always could and you still can. It hurts now and everything is so broken but there is strength inside you that will heal you. This isn't the end."

I buried my head in my arms, wanting to shut out the darkness. I had wanted to be strong. I had wanted to be better. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't find it. I had failed.

"You're wasting your breath." Jairus said calmly. "She's done. The best you can do now is to let her be."

Done. I was done. It came at me like a hurricane, the pounding rain sweeping me through the destruction.

Mogkan had said that once when he had finally finished with his torture; when he had finally broken me and had stolen all my cherished childhood memoires. In the dungeon…in the filthy straw where he ripped me apart…after all that I was simply done like tendered meat.

Brazell turned his back to me when I disobeyed him for the last time. He was done with my impertinence. There was far easier prey out there after all.

Reyad lay beside me in the darkness, breathing hard and spent. He chuckled with complete satisfaction as he told me he was going to have to start a new journal. We were done with this one.

My friends watched me with lost eyes, waiting for my lead and example. If I left now, they would soon follow. Our battle would be done before we began.

If I hadn't killed Reyad, May would have been next. And Sky…I ended him so it could all end with me. The knife had slipped from my hand as I bathed in his blood, my neck already craned for the noose.

And now this. The Warper picked at the battered remains of my soul like a vulture on a carcass. And he had declared I was done. Done with this life and done with whatever I had left.

But there had been more. I came out of the darkness and into the light when I was taken to Valek's office after a year in the dungeon. Becoming food taster: snatching a new life. Learning to fight: reclaiming my soul. Traveling to Sitia: flying farther than I ever dreamed I could.

When I told myself there wasn't anything left…that I couldn't make it to the next day…the next moment…that I was finished…I somehow did anyways. I survived the battles: opening my eyes the next morning, getting out of bed, getting dressed, struggling to let them believe nothing was amiss, and trying so damn hard to be better.
I heard my mother's voice again. It's not over. I couldn't be done if I was still here.

I stood. The knife didn't slip from my hand this time.

The raw determination was there, pulsing through my blood as I shifted into a fighting stance. Sorah charged me and his heart went straight into the knife. I yanked it out and aimed it at the Warper.

Unfazed, Jairus threw his hands up, as if washing them of me. "So you've chosen to suffer."

"Get out of my head."

I sent a cleansing wave to wash through my mind…to purge his presence. Irys's cool stream of power came in to help me. I let her in this time and interlaced our magic together to drive him out.

Jairus held his arms out and cursed under his breath as he was physically shoved several steps back.

But he merely grunted, as if he had given up on picking the faulty lock of a door. Looking down at his dead henchman, Jairus scolded himself, "It's my fault, really. I should have known better than to take on a Soulfinder this early in the game."

He vanished into thin air, his fire extinguishing with his presence.

It was dark but I could smell the sticky, crusting substance on my hand. I had killed again.

The knife slipped from my hand with a dull clatter. Someone lit a lantern and my eyes stung from the abrupt illumination.

"I'm sorry." I whispered in a hoarse voice. "I'm so sorry."

I ended up in her arms as she held me close –the same way she held her son years ago when the guilt from losing his sister drove him to that point. "It's alright, darling. It's alright. Mother's here. Mother still loves you. Mother will always love you."

I sobbed harder as I crumbled in her arms.

Perl calmly stroked my hair and soothed me, "My brave little girl…you've had to be strong for so long."

After an eternity, she guided me back to the Keep. She never loosened her hold as she tucked me into bed. I clung to her and she held me the entire night.

I had a hard time writing this chapter. Suicide is just so difficult to cover (if you're trying to do it right, of course!).

And I considered deleting this scene altogether and fast-fowarding to the next part. Yup, sorta spoiler alert: it's not the end of the line here. We're not even halfway through this story and there's going to be hundreds of steps taken back for each one (like this one) forward. And it's simply because this is not a linear process.

Anyways, I hope my awkwardness with writing this didn't filter in and ruin the effect!

As always, please review! My Guest reviewer makes me feel more special than any secret admirer ever could. If I'm a phenomenal writer, then you are a PHENOMENAL reviewer! You are just such an incredibly thoughtful person with your commentary. Please keep them coming! And I will definitely try to incorporate other POV's if possible. This story [novel] is going to take a while to finish as you can probably tell by now...