~Yelena~

"Please don't make me go, Irys." I pleaded again.

"Yelena," She looked at me in exasperation, making me feel like a small puppy with bad separation anxiety. "I know it's difficult. But I promise it will help you."

"I'm never comfortable in Ixia to begin with. And after everything that's happened…what I've just been through…how can this possibly be a good idea?"

Feeling faint and lightheaded again, I plopped down onto the cushioned nook in her window, lest I have another panic attack.

There was a small rustle from her robes as Irys made her way over to sit at my side. She reached out as if to touch me but hesitated. "Yelena…it can seem difficult now. But you are strong and have weathered many storms - many far worse than this. I know you can survive this."

I looked behind me and out the window, past the curtains billowing in the cold breeze and into the hazy, overcast sky. My white knuckles gripped the purple cushion as I tried to stop the shaking.

Irys tried in vain to salvage my attention and to have me meet her eyes. She sighed, "It's hard. It really is. And I can understand that."

"No you can't." I said quietly, crossing my arms and creating another barrier between us.

"Alright, I can't. But I can see that you have this weighing on your heart. All these years…It's always been there, hasn't it? Even before all this?"

I turned guardedly toward her like a wounded animal. "Yes."

"Well I want you to reach a point where you can go on with your life again, Yelena – where this won't have to hurt you anymore. And what happened with Jairus…it just shows you need to reach that place in order to heal."

"Yes!" I beseeched her in exasperation. "I want to get there too. I want to be strong! And I want to be better. It's just…I don't think I'm ready to do this right now."

"You'll never be ready with that attitude, Yelena." Irys's voice was stern. "Fears are not something anyone ever wants to face. But that's why it takes courage to do it. It's about going and realizing it's not that bad."

"Not that bad?!" I shot up in outrage and began to pace in my severe agitation. "How can this not be that bad?"

I stopped abruptly. "I didn't feel like killing myself until I had to go back."

"But you're alive, Yelena." She spoke patiently. "And there's a good reason for this. You survived and rescued yourself with the Warper just as you had back in Ixia. It's a clear sign that you have the strength within you to recover. And the only way you can do that is to go back and fight this battle."

I turned away from her as my walls began to crumble.

Irys glided over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. It weighed heavily and made my skin crawl. "I know you're terrified. I know it seems impossible. But I believe in you. You underestimate yourself when there is strength inside you that is even greater and more powerful than any of this. I know you can find it again and survive this ordeal. You just need to believe you can do this again."

I sat back down and buried my head in my hands. My breaths came out jagged and painful. "I can't do this, Irys. I'm not ready."

She took my hand and squeezed it. "Yes you can. You can absolutely do this. I won't let you give up and just run away like this. You're better than this. And your soul may know this too. It could be the reason why your powers still haven't returned."

I shot her an impossible look.

"It could be a survival mechanism," Irys theorized, "considering what has…happened. Your powers, and Shadow for that matter, may be waiting until you're ready for them to return. And the only way you can do this is by finding yourself again. It's time to stop sitting around and sulking."

I felt my heart accelerate at the notion of being stuck in Ixia through the winter seasons. But the guilt was worse. It was always worse. I needed to be better. I needed to be stronger. I needed to guide all the lost souls still stuck in the Shadow world. And I needed my powers back to fight the Warper and to save Sky, May, and all his other victims. They were all too important and dear for me to sit and selfishly sulk.

Whatever little resolve I managed to gather shattered as I yielded.

Perl's hands fell to her hips when she saw the open closet. "Oh Yelena, are you sure you have to leave now?"

"Irys insists on it. She's sure it will be conducive to my recovery." I nearly kicked myself when I thought of it. What the hell was I doing? What was wrong with me? Why didn't I say more? Why did I let her decide my fate the way she had? My heart began to pound and I turned away, taking slow and deep breaths to try and calm myself. I stared at a crevice of the window until my mind cleared.

Ever since the battle with Jairus, my parents have all but glued themselves to my side. The past several days were all but smothering me. I walked past them to pull more clothes and undergarments out of the closet as intuition told me I would be in Ixia for a long time.

"And you really need all those knives?"

Esau, who had been casually mending a torn shirt, looked up abruptly at the word 'knives' and paled.

"Actually, in comparison to everything else, knives are probably one of the least effective ways to do it. It takes longer to bleed out than people usually assume. There are high agony levels, messes, and a greater chance of discovery. The really determined ones usually opt for poison or hanging."

My parents exchanged brief glances of superseding anxiety.

"I'm dating an assassin." I said flatly.

I immediately regretted mentioning Valek. My parents looked at each other again while color came back to their faces in their relief.

"Maybe we should stay the night…" Father started saying.

But Mother simply launched into a tirade, shuddering in suppressed outrage. "Ugh! That man is insufferable! I'm sure being with him hasn't made anything easier on you either. And to think…after all that's happened for him to have been there in bed with you…like that! And in the infirmary of all places! He has absolutely no sense of decency!"

"I've told you hundreds of times. I asked him to be there, Mother. And that was weeks ago. Why are you still talking about it?"

"Oh Yelena…" She shook her head at me and said in a very patient voice, "I've been doing some reading since…it…has happened. And one thing I've learned is that victims of abuse will often do whatever pleases people. It can largely be a self-esteem issue."

I winced and hugged myself when she called me a victim. Turning away, I looked out the window to see the imminent dark clouds signal rain.

"He was your boss when you were food taster, dear." Perl came up next to me. "It can be natural…to have such feelings for him. Especially when you talked about how he was one of the first people to make you feel safe and respected after…" She looked away but cleared her throat to finish. "Now I know you said it was a professional arrangement but you can't deny what this potentially says about the power dynamics in your relationship. They have ways to let you think you're winning important battles…when you're not."

Esau walked up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Your mother makes a good point, Yelena. Sometimes questions can be worded so you'd think it was all your idea when in reality-"

"I would think this is the one time you'd get off my case about breaking it off with my heart mate." I snapped.

My father sighed, "We're not telling you to break things off, Yelena. We're just telling you to be…more aware."

"I'm telling her to break up."

"Perl…"

"No, I really do have a hard time understanding why it'd always had to be him. There are plenty of handsome magicians wandering around who'd line up half way around the Citadel for her."

"Honey, we can't push things like this. We can suggest, but…"

Emotions welled up in me and elevated to a shaking, boiling point as I threw my hands up. "That's enough!"

The weary patience on Mother's face and her disappointed sigh made me realize she expected that reaction. But she would not be deterred. "It's not an uncommon tale, my dear. A girl's trapped in or recently left an abusive situation and an apparently resilient, kind man comes in to rescue and fix her. She thinks she's found lasting love when part of it has to do with romanticizing basic respect. Either way, there comes a day when he starts to change and become harsher…more demanding. And you realize he's been keeping score!"

Esau shot his wife an exasperated look. But he finished the cautionary tale regardless. "We're just asking you to be careful, Yelena. You're not in the best place to give in a relationship right now. And even if we were to give him the absolute benefit of the doubt, there's still a chance that it might…cause some problems."

"Just don't let him do you any favors." Mother piped up. "At least until you're ready to pay them back."

Father sighed heavily as he glared again. But he rested his hands on my shoulders. "It's natural to keep scores in relationships from time to time. And I wouldn't call them scores. Sometimes it's just about…estimations. Sometimes it reassures you your partner is still as invested as you. Just keep in mind that based on his personality and his…habits, he might be more…er…accurate about such estimates."

I turned away from them, too tired to give any argument – or to listen to the one erupting between themselves for that matter. For a dull moment, I regretted not having gone through with my initial plans. I wanted to be away from all of this.

I hovered at the doorway and waited for Dilana to finish her task. She seemed preoccupied as there were no humming or merry strides. Her brow was furrowed with worry and piles of fabric were being set down with heavy sighs.

I knocked softly on the open door.

Dilana started but relaxed when she saw me. "Yelena! You're back! I hope everything went well with your mission?"

My stomach turned at the mention of everything that's happened. But I gave my head a tight shake and walked in. "We've still a few things to take care of."

She nodded, distracted, as she went back to her seat and picked up a shirt to mend. "Janco managed to acquire more lock picks. He wants me to sew them into his nightclothes now too."

I flinched at the mention of Janco, as I was able to imagine all too well why he'd want more lock picks on him than ever before. During our trip here, he never seemed upset with me, to my great relief.

Dilana didn't seem to notice. "So tell me about your mission."

"It could have gone better." I said simply. "You seem a bit distracted. Is everything alright?"

Her thread flew back and forth between her nimble fingers, the needle appearing to have a soul of its own as it danced its way through the fabric. "Something happened…with Annie." Her voice came out pained.

"The MD-1 Captain?"

Dilana nodded and explained, "They went ahead and launched that project of theirs. She was only out for a week. But…" The seamstress shook her head in distress, "They received word that she's been injured. The last thing they knew was that she was supposedly recuperating at a campsite several miles from the General's house."

"Well that's good isn't it? She's recuperating."

Her hand fisted around the shirt so tightly the knuckles whitened. "A snow-cat's strike is lethal, whether it'd be from its bite or from its claw." A tear streamed down her cheek. "If that's what it really was…"

I felt my body lose sensation as I registered the implication. No. Not again. This was Rand all over again. And it was my fault. I braved a glance at Dilana. There was no blame or accusation in her eyes; only deep, burning sadness and anxiety.

"I didn't know her that well. We weren't exactly involved yet." Dilana was saying. "So I might just be silly to be this preoccupied. But I liked her. She was so nice and for the first time, I felt something; something that's very like what I once had with Rand."

"I'm sorry."

She glanced up quickly and rushed to apologize, "Oh no, Yelena! This isn't your fault! It was their idea, after all. I shouldn't have said anything. You must be blaming yourself, poor dear…! Did you need anything else?"

Her smile was painfully forced and I took it as a cue to make my leave. "I just needed my liaison uniform fitted since it looks like I'll be here for a while."

"Of course. I'll have it ready by noon!"

Her smile widened into a wince and at that point I would have given anything for Annie to be fine. This couldn't happen again.

Before I could say another word, an adviser appeared at the threshold. "The Commander will see you now, Liaison."

I nodded stiffly and bade Dilana goodbye.

The Commander sat behind his desk, immaculate as ever in his tailored uniform, working efficiently through a stack of correspondence and reports.

Before him, General Kitivian paced in small, agitated circles. He had not even bothered to remove his furs despite the extensive dry heat radiating from the furnaces.

When our eyes met, there was only blind, murderous rage.

"You!" The General jabbed a shaking finger at me. "How could you let this happen?!"

"Compose yourself, General Kitivian." The Commander warned from behind the table as he lifted a dossier from a pile to his left. He glanced up at me in greeting and I shrank from his scrutiny. "Liaison Yelena, you've deprived me of a security chief and two of my most trusted staff for nearly a season. I trust your mission was productive?"

"Yes sir." I didn't meet his piercing gaze, partly because of how afraid I was he'd see straight through me.

"The original plan was to debrief at this point. But seeing as to how Valek will be delayed for several minutes and my General is anxious to voice his concerns, this issue will take the floor…provided you both will be able to contain yourselves."

Kitivian nodded furiously and I took a seat stiffly.

The Commander set his work down and folded his hands. "General Kitivian here raises a point with relation to a recent accident in MD-1. He is arguing that you bear some of the responsibility by your endorsement of the project."

My fingers curled against the wood of the table as I considered my answer. When I didn't speak after half a minute, the Commander asked again, "Well, Liaison? Do you have anything to say to that?"

"I…" Feeling like I had already taken too long, I shook my head.

He kept his face impartial as he turned back to Kitivian. "It seems you are right, as there is no counter argument being made."

"Of course I'm right!" The General sputtered. "I've lost my best. Let me repeat that for emphasis: my very best. I won't even be able to find anyone just half as good to replace her…in this lifetime!" A callused and wrinkled hand slammed down hard on the desk. "And this is all your fault!"

"That's quite enough, Kitivian." The Commander said sharply. "The Liaison will be dealt with properly as I see fit. Regardless, she is not here for your additional verbal abuse."

The General settled into the seat next to me but scowled all the same.

"Are you sure you have no rebuttal, Yelena?" I was asked again. "If you accept even partial responsibility for Captain Annabella's accident, the repercussions can weigh as heavily as a homicide."

I couldn't if I felt this guilty. "No, sir."

Kitivian raised a hand. When he spoke this time, his voice was subdued and coated with emotion. "That's Captain Annie, sir."

"It's Captain Annabella in your correspondence." The Commander replied flatly. He steepled his fingers and briefly studied me again. "If you haven't anything to add, then it would be only fair for the General to decide your fate; seeing as to how he was the party most wronged in this situation."

"I have none, sir." I said again. My chest tightened, as if my ribs had all folded inwards against my lungs.

Kitivian balked and gawked. It was clear he never thought he'd make it this far.

The Commander opened a report and began to examine it. He spoke with mild irritation, like an overindulgent parent, "Did everybody come in here with the sole intention of wasting my time today?"

"No. I have one." The General piped up. "I want all those Stormdancers banned from my district for good."

"Do you have a good reason for making such a request?" His sovereign asked, "You were not given leave to advance whatever agenda you may have had. Does this have anything to do with the Liaison?"

"It has everything to do with her. The loss of my captain simply shows that those magical creatures should have no place in Ixia. We were far better off without them."

"The Liaison is not here as a magician. And you say this despite having gone on about all the roofs and lives that were saved two seasons ago? If I'm not mistaken, you called the Stormdancers a 'true blessing' when they were here for their demonstration."

I felt his intense amber eyes fall on me and realized that the Commander had been helping me the whole time. He was also waiting for me to take the freely given opportunity.

I spoke too hastily, "One life is not comparable to the hundreds that could have been saved. I'm sure that Captain Annie had this in mind when she went on her expedition."

"The Liaison raises a good point. You also forget that in Ixia, the life of one official is completely equal in weight and value to the life of a servant or stable hand."

At the mention of Annie, something in the General changed. His face softened and the immediate anger seemed to have abated with the outside setting sun. "I see. But I still have every intention of respecting her memory. That being said, I will ask that there'd be an end to all negotiations on the subject. Captain Annie would have wanted to protect as many as she could. And with this new rumor that's been going around about people being kidnapped for some kind of ritual…yes. That is suitable retaliation."

As the Commander considered his response, my mind ran through all the implications of such a policy. The winter storms of the Northern Districts were notoriously violent and rampant in their destruction. Factor the snow cats into the situation, and death tolls were unanimously high through the icy months in the bleak lands.

As few were willing to live, let alone manage such provinces, the Northern generals were likely to have good sway with the Commander due to their bravery. Without the hope of the Stormdancers to tame the storms, the situation would never improve. There'd be more unnecessary death from such elements. And without my Soulfinding magic to guide any bewildered and lost souls, it would very well be an extension of the Shadow world.

It would be all my fault.

"I need a moment." My breaths became increasingly shorter in between.

Before anyone could say a word, I had dashed out of the office, stumbled through the labyrinth throne room, and into the open hallway. I kept walking until I felt certain I had found a secluded corner.

My hand pressed against the icy stone wall, I willed myself to breathe again. But my body obstinately denied the request as it continued to demand more air than I could provide. My hand slipped and I pushed both arms out against the wall to prevent falling. A sharp pain from nails that had clawed into the stone briefly took my attention before the dizziness swept over me. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe! I crouched down to my knees and my head drooped over them. Vaguely, I heard myself exhale sharply with large intakes of breath at the same time.

You're not in there anymore, I told myself. Breathe. They can't get you here. Breathe. You're safe. Breathe. There is no danger. Breathe.

I began counting backwards and forwards in my head. Slowly, I managed to relieve the paralysis around my hands and face as I pulled my head back up. Glancing about me to ensure I was alone, I walked swiftly back and forth across the hall and halfway up and down the steps on one side.

Returning to the center, I took several deep breaths until the panic attack subsided. I crouched down to the balls of my feet again and rested my arms over my raised knees. After a minute of stupor, I slowly stood. Giving my head a tight shake, I prepared myself to return.
Walking with my eyes to the ground, I collided straight into Valek.

"Yelena, what's wrong?" Valek gripped my arms as if afraid I'd fall over. When I looked down, he tilted my head up to face him. "You seem ready to burst into tears, love."

I hurried to tell him before I really did burst into tears.

Valek listened quietly without comment. I envied how steady and strong he was able to be. When I finally finished he pointed out, "But this can't be your fault. It was their idea in the first place and they were clearly aware of all the risks involved. And besides, you're not an Ixian citizen. Even the Commander would have no jurisdiction to punish you like this."

He said this to comfort me but I could only feel more self-loathing at not having been able to say all that when I had the opportunity. My head began to throb again.

A cool hand was pressed against my forehead, then to the side of my flushed face. "You seem fatigued, love. Why don't I take care of this, briefing and all?"

Not realizing they had drifted closed, I opened my eyes. Valek looked at me in concern. "Thank you. I'm so glad you're here, Valek."

"Of course."

I turned away from him without another word, my mind thinking of nothing else but my bed despite the early hour. I'll be stronger tomorrow, I told myself. I'll be better then.

The concerned, well-intentioned, over analytical parents and mentor who say a bunch of things that might be almost, sort of, maybe, true but are never helpful – the twist (as Reader put it) wasn't so much for shock value as it was for us to all see where Yelena gets it from when it came to Devlen and people in general.

Quick note before replies: I'm going to start putting content warnings before every chapter as things will start to get relatively dark and bleak. This story will also be going up to an "M" rating. Chapter 3 will also be updated – I'm in the middle of writing a new one as I really hate how I handled Opal's story (DV in general) and will be tweaking it a bit. It won't change the overall plot though.

Guest: As always, thank you SO much for your review. And three times a day…oh my! As far as how much her parents know, I assumed it was relatively clear with the hovering and when Yelena said "my parents want to know everything." That with the underlying idea that Perl wouldn't let anything go unchecked ex post facto, with that need to make up all the "mothering" she had missed out on. So everything in Yelena's current life would be fair game! That includes the dynamics of the scourge of everything boyfriend (and we actually did see in the second book Perl upset over Yelena having been a food taster) and any other interesting developments like this one. But of course if it wasn't clear that's really my fault since it's a matter of communicating effectively lol! xD

Reader: Thanks for doing that! It certainly makes things a lot easier now that I know who I'm talking to! And Perl's opinion might be important if you'd look at it the right way, but it'd really just be hanging out in the background like it is now (the story is still about Yelena after all!). But I'm so glad you stuck through this story. And reviewed! You're absolutely wonderful! As for fics I enjoy, off the top of my head there's, "Family Study" and "Tidal Study" (this one is a bit iffy as I'm usually not a big fan of forced conflict via sort of affairs/love triangles) though both are abandoned. I can't say I've really found much around here since so many stories are never updated (Though I've been guilty of that twice over myself so I probably shouldn't even be talking…) and it's just hard to get attached when they do.

As always, review please!