General Samitar slammed the missive down and glared daggers at me. I flinched in spite of myself.

"Don't you people have anything better to do up there in Castletown?" He snarled.

I tried not to look at the purple banners and the cushions – decorations that the new General had grown partial towards and thus had never had changed. I tried not to see Brazell sitting across from me in Samitar's place.

Compose yourself, I schooled. You're not there anymore. That was years ago. This is a different time and you're a different person. You're here on behalf of the Commander. Samitar can't talk to you this way.

"I wouldn't be here if that was the case." I shot back.

"Figures…" He muttered as he pulled the log book out and shoved it toward me with disdain.

I caught the book before it could slide off the table. When I picked it up and leafed through it, the records confirmed Maren's suspicions; there was indeed a mass exodus of "couples" and "families" out of MD-5 moving toward MD-1. And if the retinues traveled fast, they would burn through MD-4 and enter MD-1 within a week. It would effectively avoid MD-6 and fulfill the purpose. As expected, the numbers have died down gradually with the approaching Cold Season.

"You've quite a few people with 'relatives' in MD-1." I observed.

Samitar shrugged. "People get married and they tend to want to raise children in a warmer place – and with fewer snow cats."

"If they like it here so much, why would they suddenly be so keen on spending an entire season in MD-1? The bleakest and most fatal of all seasons?"

"Family emergencies." He replied evenly. But there was a brief lapse of composure as his steepled fingers twitched and his teeth gritted. "It happens during the Cooling Season as you can probably tell. That's when the snow cats' normal sources of food become scarce and they have to pick on whatever else is...available."

He opened the drawer in his desk and procured a pile of envelopes tied with old twine that he tossed unceremoniously at me.

"Funerals." He finished as I looked through them. "They send the invitations out as soon as they find them – choking on their own blood."

"How do you know these are real?" I avoided the lascivious smile planted on his face by pretending to stay busy with the letters.

"We tend to believe them out of good decency. Maybe you should tell me just what it is you're looking for. Then we can stop beating around the bush and wasting both of our valuable times."

"Several disappearances have been reported throughout the districts near the Southern border. Yours has the highest rate."

"I knew it'd come back to this." Samitar muttered.

"If you want to keep your post, then you better start showing a bit more concern."

"Concern? Why should I have to show any more concern than those women when it happened to them?"

"Because nobody asks for this to happen to them." I snapped.

"I didn't say that." He replied evenly. "I can understand that they might not have wanted it to happen. And I'm not saying it's their fault but they did choose to put themselves in those situations where the risk was greater. It's called having common sense. Just don't go out alone in the middle of the night blind drunk and for sand's sake make sure that person you make your bed with is trustworthy. At the very least have the decency to not lead a fellow on if you had not planned to take things so far."

My face flushed with hot anger as I suppressed the urge to stab the quill into his throat. "Why don't you tell the people who are making the situations risky that their behavior is unacceptable in the first place?"

"Right. Why don't I also tell the snow cats that their predilection with eating people is also unacceptable?"

"That's not anywhere near the same thing. These people are making a conscious decision to violate someone."

"And I'm responsible for these people existing? I'm suddenly the reason for all the evil in this world? While you're at it, why don't you blame me for all the droughts that ruin the years' crops and all the loose soil that cause cave-ins of the Commander's diamond mines?"

"Your level of ignorance is unbelievable! How the hell did you ever make General?!" I groaned inwardly when I realized what I had just done. Big mistake, big mistake.

Samitar grinned as he leaned forward, ready to devour me whole. "I think you need to calm down, young lady."

"Don't call me that." I seethed.

"Of course, of course!" The General held up a hand in mock pardon. "But to answer your original concern, the answer is no. I don't know anything about those disappearances. And if you'd like your lover to come and keep me honest, by all means."

Before I could hurl his words back at him, he cut me off, "You'll have to excuse me, for I am a busy man. And I do have another meeting starting five minutes from now that I must prepare for."

Samitar stood, walked around the ebony table, and went to the door. He held it open politely, "I trust you'll have a safe journey back."

I stood and walked up to him so we were at eye level. "This isn't over."

He smiled tightly as he gestured outwards again. "A word of advice, Liaison: you might want to learn to control that… argumentative…nature of yours. You don't want people starting to believe that those allegations against you are even just…partially true."

The rest of the day passed in a blur after I stormed to my room. For a moment I could only sit on the bed in complete, blind rage as I processed what had just transpired. I insulted a General. And now we'll never know if he's involved. There will be more incidents if he is and that would be my fault. Maren would need to stay throughout the Cold Season to keep an eye on him…and to watch for more trafficking. She'd hate me.

And I'd have to write a report on this. How would I even begin to do that? I'd have to write about all these failures and shortcomings. How could I stand to face anyone after this?

My chest tightened and I squeezed my eyes shut. When the breaths grew shorter and shorter, I clenched the bed sheets. No. Not now. Not here. Breathe, damn it. Breathe!

But my mouth and my nose drew a barricade that locked and barred against all provisions of air. I gasped like a fish out of water with no reprieve.

Tumbling onto my back, I curled into a fetal position as if braced for Reyad's boots. Whimpering, I covered my head with my arms, shielding out all light. There, in my cocoon, the tears finally came.

I sobbed until the breaths came back in jagged gasps and my throat burned so I could hardly stand to move.
My body numb and my mind dead, I eventually sat up and regained my bearings.

"Don't feel too bad about the whole situation." Maren told me after I briefed her. "Samitar is a backwards, misogynistic piece of shit. I wouldn't have lasted ten seconds with him."

Yet I apologized to Maren as I saddled Kiki. "It's completely my fault you have to be stuck here for another whole season."

"Are you kidding? I've only ever dreamed of getting to babysit a General. Why else do you think I asked to be an adviser?"

"My brain is so fried I can't even tell if you're being sarcastic anymore."

She had waved a hand dismissively and winked. "Don't worry about it. There are enough female greenies around here that need a decent bow lesson – and decent encouragement for that matter. I have my work cut out ahead of me."

I envied her sense of direction and purpose. Could I say the same about me at this point? With a little over a week still left in the Cooling Season, it wasn't too late to escape back to Sitia. It would be hard – sneaking around the border guards and with the icy roads becoming increasingly slippery. There'd be a lot to answer for but a part of me wanted to do it. Was it really a good idea to continue to stick around?

Maren gave me one last hug before I mounted. "Take good care of yourself, Yelena. And I'll see you soon."

I kept my eyes fixed down on the reins as I rode out of the complex and used what was left of my energy to quell all the rebellious notions.

The three-day journey was as uneventful as it was chilly. Kiki snorted as she deliberately galloped at a good distance away from Snake Forest. But the yearning scent of earth and pine lingered in the breeze that carried it towards the North and I found myself continuing to look out towards it. Kiki seemed to sense my mood as she quickened her pace until, had I not known better, I could have sworn we were in the Avibian plains.

"The truth: I wasn't helpful at all." I looked down at my hands, unable to banish the cold pit in my stomach.

Valek glanced up from my report. In another flash his stony mask was back. "I didn't say that."

"No but your face and posture did say that."

My brief use of his words wasn't lost on him as he broke the guise and shot me a look of exasperation. "And I thought I was the better liar."

"You usually are. But I've known you for too many years, Valek. I learned to pick up on things when it comes to you."

He chuckled. But the smile faded when he caught me looking back at the dossier. He leaned forward and covered my hand with his as he reassured me, "And don't worry about this. We lost a potential hostage but that's all he was: a potential hostage. In the worst case scenario I'll just arrest the border guards and conduct interrogations. It'll be fine. I'll take care of it."

But I continued to mull and ruminate over it. "I usually just feel things on these missions. I can deduce plans from most of the intents I come across." I sighed, "And now all of a sudden I have to make them say things."

"Not as easy as it looks, is it?"

I shook my head. "And I'm just not that useful without my powers."

"It takes time. You managed to put off flaming out until you were nineteen. Maybe it's just a unique feature of being a late bloomer: That if something like this were to happen, it'd take longer for the powers to come back."

"You're probably right."

"Or it could just be waiting for the most inconvenient time to make its return since this is you we're talking about, love." Valek teased.

I smiled and interlaced our fingers. "I'm glad you're here."

"Of course."

There was a soft knock on the door and Valek abruptly pulled away as he leaned back in his chair. "Come."

A woman entered donning the uniform of an elite member of the security force. Her grey hair had been tied back immaculately to match the starched coat. Sharp and cool blue eyes assessed me briefly before they turned back to the Security Chief. Despite her salute, she spoke with the voice of one who always expected to be answered to. "Sir, the Commander would like an update on the situation at hand."

"Tell him I will be there shortly with a full report."

"Yes, sir." Before making her leave, she turned to look at me one final time and I could have sworn there was the slightest shake of the head.

Valek procured a blank piece of parchment and dipped the quill. "Yelena…"

"I know." I felt like a house guest who had only just realized that she overstayed her welcome. "You have work to do."

He nodded. "I'll see you soon, love."

I left his office and managed to find my way back to the Guest Suite. The fresh bedding was inviting enough and I turned the covers down. Sleeping came easily enough as I seemed to have used up all my energy reserve in only a couple short hours.

When I woke, the sun had nearly set, leaving behind patches of dark shadows in the empty bedchamber. Rubbing my eyes, I rolled onto my side and gazed out the window, spreading my awareness to the chilled covers that surrounded me. An unsatisfied hollowness teemed through me as I lay in the stillness. I hunted for a reason to get out of bed and none came. I couldn't feel hunger, thirst, or even a desire to stretch my legs.

My thoughts drifted to the Season's Communication that lay unopened and unviewed in the living area on the writing desk. It would be nothing more than a stout packet of dull correspondence from the Council to the Commander on everything from book trades to coffee negotiations. As Liaison I would have to annotate it and find the best way to deliver it. How many more days did I have to do this? I was due the first day of the Cold Season. I think it was eight days? Or was it seven?

I turned onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. I wanted to go back to sleep. Sleep brought so much peace. In a very morbid sort of way, it was comforting to be able to leave the world behind as I pretended to be dead. I closed my eyes.

The next day passed in a similar fashion as I spent the morning and afternoon in bed. I finally sat up; when it was long after the sun had set. A hunger pang cramped my stomach. Hugging my knees, I waited another hour before getting out of bed.

To my relief, the hallways of the castle were deserted as it seemed everyone had retired for the night. Several lanterns hung quietly along the walls, the flames flickering briefly in the cold draft. My teeth chattered I quickened my pace toward the kitchen.

I skidded to a stop at the sound of a very disgruntled voice. There was a dull, hardly discernable light from within the kitchen and the silhouettes of two late night diners.

"Inconclusive evidence…the very cheek of it! It just goes to show – fair as we're all supposed to be, screwing the chief still gets you perks." The disgruntled voice came from the same person I had seen in Valek's office two days ago.

"I'm sure there was a good reason." A younger, more optimistic voice piped up. As we were close in age, Francesca and I had spoken several times on my official visits. "She's usually quite competent."

"Trust me, I'm an old soldier. I've seen just about all the twists and turns there are in the world. And one thing that never changes, no matter what kind of so called progressive laws they put in here and there, is that punishment never applies to three kinds of people: family, bribers, and lovers. Now before you say anything about how she used to be a food taster and what not, let me ask you this: if it was you or me who screwed up like that, how fast do you think our asses would have been hauled off and replaced by a couple of greenies fresh off the field? I tell you – months of careful planning just went down the drain. But none of that matters because this one is special."

There was a clatter of dishes being stacked and carried to a disposal bin. "You don't know that. It's very possible the General was the one being uncooperative. And it's not like he's been doing her any special favors throughout the years."

A glass was slammed down on the wooden bar and there was a small scraping sound as the chair turned. "No special favors? You want to try that again? I tell you that girl has absolutely no idea what she's doing. She can hardly remember to keep her papers on hand as she enters the bloody border. But of course instead of the whipping she deserves, you have every border guard bending over backwards to cover shit up."

"But she is the reason why the border is opening up."

"The Commander would have opened it anyways. You can't remain locked away from the world forever. And if you remember correctly, the Liaison came after the border started to open. I tell you. There's a reason why they always tell you to be on your guard when men like Valek find ones half their age."

"I don't think they're that far apart…"

"You know what I mean."

Francesca only sighed and gave a murmur of weary deference.

I shoved my hands into the pockets of my cloak and turned away.

CW: Alcohol until next line break.

I lifted my head out of the slop pot with a soft moan. It seemed to weigh the size of a boulder even as I held it with both hands. At least the dry heaving had stopped. Now it was just a pounding headache and an empty, cramped stomach. My throat stung and the stench of vomit colored the rest of my senses.

There was a rustle as my hair was being tied into a loose bun. I only just noticed that someone had held it back this entire time.

"Feel better?" Valek handed me a glass of water.

I answered him after I rinsed my mouth and gave my parched throat some relief, "Not particularly."

He pressed a cool hand to my forehead as he refilled the glass and sat next to me on the floor. My eyes fell on the dark heap that was strewn notes and a broken quill thrown across the room only a few hours ago. The journal was propped open in the middle and exposed at where I had torn pages out and scribbled on the rest. It was all surrounded by crumpled pages coated black with ink blots and stabbed holes. A shattered bottle of ink left a stain that I'd have to clean up later. I would need to find a rag and scrub for at least an hour. Then I would have to pick up the glass shards and dispose of them properly. I'd have to find my way to the supply room to retrieve a new bottle of ink. And I had to do all of this soon - before Margg came in to set the room in the morning. Or she would know. And that meant the entire Castle would know by noon.

Unable to tear my eyes away, I stared at the broken bottle and began to lose myself in it.

"You might be putting too much pressure on yourself, love." I heard Valek say softly as he followed my line of vision.

"Maybe." I looked back at him slowly. There didn't seem to be any disappointment in his eyes. But there were dark circles under his eyes and lethargy in his movements. I would probably still be at the tavern, and even have stayed until morning, if he hadn't found me and dragged me back when he did.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." I said after a while. The tears welled up in my eyes again and I silently blamed the brandy as I shaded my eyes with a hand. "I should be stronger than this."

Valek took my other hand and squeezed it gently. "You're going through a difficult time, Yelena. This is not your fault."

I shook my head and blinked rapidly. "Sometimes I feel like I can't move. But maybe I just don't want to. I sleep so much but I'm still tired all the time. And I still somehow have the energy to wake up in the middle of the night to scream. I'm just…I'm so tired Valek…"

He sat quietly, holding my hand as I focused and gathered myself. "How will I face the Commander tomorrow?" The terror and anxiety I had managed to escape the last few hours came back with full force.

"I might be able to help with that."

I turned to him.

"You need to clarify a few things with me about that mission. The integrity of my report relies on it." The corners of his mouth tugged into a conspirator smile. "It'll take at least half the day. I'll have to detain you until then."

I felt the heavy weight lift off me and I breathed a sigh of complete relief.

"Come to my office tomorrow and bring what you have. We'll figure something out. Sound good?"

"You're too nice to me."

"You're important to me, love." Valek said simply. "I want to help you. It's nothing less than what I should be doing."

I felt a small smile touch my lips as he helped me to my feet. "…thank you. I'm glad you're here. You make me feel safe, like things will be okay."

"I'm glad I can at least do that." He kissed my temple and squeezed my hand. "There's still a few hours left before dawn. Try to get some rest until then, love."

"What is this?" The Commander flung the Communication onto the table in absolute disgust. "If you had planned on wasting my time like this, you shouldn't have bothered to even come at all."

I stayed silent.

"You would have made an argument at this point, Yelena. And a month ago…" He appraised me with his sharp eyes. "I'm more than certain you would have."

I bowed my head, feeling like a small child being scolded.

"You would have said more just now, too." He leaned back in his chair and studied me. "The Liaison I enlisted several years ago wouldn't have shown up to an important delegation reeking of alcohol. An unruly General wouldn't have dared throw unfounded complaints in her face so publically. And she might still have performed as poorly on the same mission but," The Commander tossed Valek's report before me. I didn't have to read it to know he had distorted most of it to protect me. "The last thing she would have done is cower behind my security chief on three separate occasions like this."

I only sunk deeper into my chair.

Commander Ambrose steepled his hands and asked, "What's your side of the story?"

Could I talk about it with him? He was the only person who had any idea of what I've been through. And not only would he understand, but unlike May, Sky, Opal, and an extensive list of so many other people, he seemed able to stand the topic. But what would he think of me?

Still, the hollowness and the agony won over eventually.

He listened to me patiently and without interruption as I told my tale. Eventually, the tears spilled over and fell as I brandished my most vulnerable self before him. But I continued to talk – losing my magic, how difficult everything was afterwards, the panic attacks, being beaten by Cahil, the pressure, the disorientation, the guilt, the shame, and even what I had tried to do. I spared him no details and glossed over nothing.

Finally, I stopped and could only feel lightheaded from the release. Yet the crying wouldn't end. I sobbed until my eyes fogged over and I could scarcely stand to breathe.

He only nodded and extended a handkerchief to me without contempt. "It's hard and painful. And your suffering is real, Yelena. Don't ever let anyone or anything convince you otherwise."

I watched the Commander as he went back to work. Efficient as always in his tailored uniform, it seemed that Mogkan and Brazell's abuse had no aftereffect on him. He seemed to have left everything behind in that wintry scene when I rescued his mind.

I thought back to May as the emptiness filled me and I parroted her questions, "Does it ever get better? Does it end?" My voice was hoarse from the tears.

"No." He replied as if correcting a student in arithmetic. "It's a lifelong arrangement."

"But you seem to be doing fine…and thriving. Did accepting that help?"

"Partly." His eyes glazed over as he mused on the subject. "The other part is having something to live for…And somehow adapting to seeing in the dark. At first you'll know there's a bright world outside that's better than all of this. And you can thrive on the hope that you can see it again one day. But if you're not careful, you can eventually stop believing you'll ever see it, or that it even existed."

"And if you're diligent and careful you'll see the light eventually, right? Or will it always be dark?" My throat constricted as my entire world rested on his answer.

"We were put in hell, Yelena. If it was ever meant to end at some point, then that would defeat the purpose."

When I said nothing, he picked the communication up again to review, his pen skipping lightly across it with marks and annotations.

"I was actually hoping to be lied to today." I confessed with a joyless smile. "Do you think any less of me for it?"

The Commander looked up at me with his intense golden eyes and I shrunk back into my chair. "I never look down on those who hope to see an end to unnecessary suffering. But I think the last thing you need is another reason to blame yourself for inadequate recovery."

"How do I recover? How do I feel better?"

"Keep working on what's important to you and endure it. Cry if it helps you. Take breaks. Mediate. Practice breathing exercises to stave off panic attacks. Do what worked for you in the past to cope and realize that the only way to recover is to keep on living. Whatever will keep you from drinking or sleeping your life away."

"You make it all sound so simple."

"Everything has a purpose and a place, Yelena. It's all a matter of finding it again and doing the job well once you've found it."

"What if I never find it?"

The Commander was gravely silent for a minute and I immediately regretted the show of weakness and doubt. Especially because I knew now that he refused to lie to me. When he finally spoke, there was no softness in his stoic voice. "Then you'll stay like this. And if you keep waiting, you'll eventually fade away until there's nothing left of you."

My mouth turned dry as the truth dawned on me.

The Commander handed my notes back. "Take some time off if you need it, Yelena. You'll be here anyways. Come back when you've made a more coherent argument on those books."

Reader: I'm still working on Chapter 3 (actually Chapter 4 too since it hangs over) but will definitely let you know when it's updated!

Guest: I just love how you always point out details about what you like. It makes me so happy.

As always, review! And I really do wish my other invisible followers would too…