Document 1278803-4576b
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Entry 6 -
I'm not sure if I am capable of expressing the myriad of thoughts and emotions in which I find myself thoroughly embroiled. So much has happened, and I have had precious little time to come to an understanding of recent events. Emotions can, when devastating and unrelenting, sufficiently distract even a mind such as my own.
I find myself with very little time to compose myself, and very little time to compose anything meaningful with which to make sense of the maelstrom of emotions that have overwhelmed me. When I wished to be human, somehow, I imagined that feelings of happiness, joy, hope, and euphoria would be much easier to experience and preserve. Instead, I find that rather than pleasant emotions, it is the devastating emotions such as guilt, pain, fear, and regret that are the easiest to encounter, and they do not readily depart.
I currently find myself plagued with damaging emotions, and I am unsure of how to overcome and subdue something that tears at my very core. For once, my mind is useless, as I find my mind cannot reason with my emotions. Instead, I find myself steadily descending deeper into myself, my feelings, and I feel as though my mind has become entrenched, bogged down by the vast ocean of emotion that is consuming my every thought.
Somehow, I thought that, with time, I would be able to clear my mind of the clutter of unnecessary emotions, and return to a semblance of normal. But I am finding that the more I try to reject these emotions of mine, the deeper I bury them, the more they clutch at me, drag me under, fight for control.
The idea that I could be controlled by my emotions is frightening… Where once I could catalogue reactions and file them away, I find now that it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to put away feelings, emotions, experiences, and bury them deep within me. Even expressing myself in this document, attempting to make sense of what has occurred to me, is not enough.
When will I be able to withstand the storms of emotions that seem to come and go at will? When will I be free of the terrible feelings that consume me, and then drain away and leave me numb?
Perhaps a better question would be: Will I ever be free of my emotions? The answer, I fear, is "no."
And if that is the case, then how can I ever be sure that I am doing the right thing? Should my emotions overrule my practical mind? Or is my mind the enemy? Is my logical mind corrupted, or is my heart leading me astray? How can I ever know what is right, when I have two warring factions within myself?
I find myself plagued by these questions, questions of morality, and the nature of man, and I fear I have no answer. I have brought this upon myself. I never should have agreed to return to New Metropolis. I thought I was ready.
I now know that I was sorely mistaken.
A/N: It always bugs me that I can write so much and post so little. This is one of four chapters that I've written. But I have issues with posting, as is probably obvious by now.
I realized that I haven't had many introspective pieces for awhile, and despite the fact that Brainy's convinced this isn't a journal, that's really what it's started to look like. So now we have some philosophizing so Brainy can continue to say that it's not a journal. By the way, if anyone's wondering why he's freaking out, stay tuned. All will be explained in time.