Clinically speaking, depression is a pessimistic sense of your own capabilities, and despondent lack of energy.

-Jane McGonigal

Head pressed against the cold column, I shut my eyes to the stillness of the dawn. I listened to a bird begin its song in the distance as I tried to extend my shallow breaths. I felt loud enough to wake the entire castle.

Eventually, dawn intruded and the inhabitants began to rouse and attend to their duties. The heavy doors opened with a muffled thud. Workers barked orders to one another from outside.

I rubbed the fog on the glass away with my sleeve and peered out. Several men and women in heavy cloaks heaved wheelbarrows of salt and shovels across the frosty courtyard. I became increasingly aware of how long it took to clear one small path the longer I watched. It didn't matter that the gate was always open and unlocked during the day. The storms were barricades enough for those who tried to escape.

Without warning, I rammed past two startled housekeepers in my sprint to the latrines. There, I collapsed on the grimy ground to vomit violently into the toilet.

I stumbled to my feet and walked several steps to where I shuddered against the sink. I wiped and rinsed my mouth and nose, trying to remove all trace sensation of bile. Thankfully I was alone in the chamber. I opened the duct and began to scrub at my sleeve in the icy water.

This didn't usually happen, I thought to myself as my hand numbed from the scrubbing. I forced myself to look in the mirror and saw a pale, haggard ghost gaze back. There was no semblance of life. The once vibrant, green eyes where her should soul still lie were vacant and desolate.

I wondered why it was getting so much harder. There were other years when I had the misfortune of being stuck in Ixia for more than one measly season. And when I was a hapless, futureless food taster…I should have made my peace with such a predicament by now. But somehow the notion of being here another day shook me to the point where I could scarcely stand.

I should be stronger than this.

I lurched to my feet, scraping my hand sharply against a wooden edge when I heard footfalls approach.

Throughout the years, the Castle's library was gradually transformed into a giant filing cabinet. The unread – and deemed useless – books were moved to various storage rooms to collect dust and mold. It was easy to imagine Bain's horror at such a travesty.

Several workers scurried about the newly pristine shelves, sorting old and recent forms. A quick glance would show that there were files on everything from prisoner records to birth, marriage, and death certificates to candle shipments from MD-4 in the hundreds of folders sorted by date and name.

I followed the head secretary, Gina, as she led me through each and every corner of the library. She chattered on and on about the organization and reasoning, pointing as she walked. At brief intervals, she'd stop to give me, in excruciating detail, the purpose of a shelf as well as its "occupancy level" and "differentiation from the shelf below it."

I suppose the Commander was right about everything having its place since there existed a person who could find this much reason to be enthusiastic over records on yearly rice production.

"Since you're new…" Gina stopped abruptly, causing me to stumble as I avoided crashing into her. "And temporary, I'll start you off with the match shipments. I know, I know it's a drag."

I agreed full heartedly.

"…Because I know you, along with everyone else, would kill for the honor of doing candles. And security wise, it's just a bit too lofty for your entry level at this moment. But have faith. I'm sure you'll be promoted soon!"

"Gee, I really just hope so. It's one of my life's greatest goals."

She continued to gush in earnest, "That's the spirit! You might even get to do the salt shipment at one point before the end of this season!"

Gina shooed me to the front where I was given a stack of folders and a bundle of papers. Before I could collect myself, I was shoved into the labyrinth. With a sigh, I sat down on the floor in a secluded spot between shelves and began to organize the mess.

Before long, I had deciphered all the penmanship and had stuffed them into their respective folders. I stood and made my way down the aisles, stopping at each point to jam a folder into its already overfilled new home. By the time I had finished, my hands were sore and my nails seemed ready to peel from all the pressure.

Gina beamed at my "initiative" and promptly gave me the privilege to file away the forms on ink bottles.

I took longer this time, not feeling too eager to excel at a Sisyphean task. Despite the delay, I didn't manage to spend even an hour of the workday.

"You're a fast worker!" Gina exclaimed. "But you might want to be a bit careful with your zeal to get everything done. I know it's exciting but you don't want to mess up the orders by accident. It could be our necks! You want to pace yourself so you don't get burned out. Why don' t we try mixing things up?"

She handed me a folder filled with standard transfer papers. "We'll need more products since people will be skedaddling out of here as soon as the Cold Season's over. There's printed copies in the transfer shelf on the third floor. Everything needs to be in that exact order. I think a hundred is a doable number for today."

The transfer shelf contained several boxes filled to the brim with discarded transfer papers to be recycled in no particular order. Some were too crumpled to be used again. Others had been written on and were inadequate as well. I set the folders on the pile and proceeded to take the forms out of their boxes to collate in a neat line.

I managed to make twenty papers and remain awake. But by the fifty seventh one, my eyes began to glaze over.

Chafing my hands to return circulation to the cold fingers, I stood and went to the window. The sun was still midway in the wintry sky, indicating another several hours before the day was done. I scanned the shelves hidden in the shadow and imagined myself climbing into one to disappear from view and to be forgotten forever.

I absently plucked at the papers again. A sharp pain sliced into the line of my finger. I sucked at the back of my teeth to see blood and heard the papers scatter from my hands in a soft flutter.

With healing magic, I haven't had paper cuts in years. I pressed my thumb to the wound, willing the blood flow to stop. A calm swept over me as the sting slowly dulled until it disappeared.

"Yelena!" I turned to see Janco saunter up to me with several dossiers under his arm.

I sat back on my feet and stood. "What are you doing here?"

He yawned as he switched his load between arms. "I've been here all week combing through transfer papers."

"You're not looking through every single one of them are you?" I teased.

"I wanted to but Valek wouldn't let me. Still, it is the Cold Season. There's enough people who'd try to sneak out of here to be with family and friends elsewhere." He raised an eyebrow at my project. "What are you doing?"

I briefly explained my new job.

"You mean to tell me you've been skipping out on our training sessions to shuffle papers?! I know Ari can be an annoying git but really?! I'm so offended I can't even tell you how offended I am anymore!"

"It's just something I can do right, right now. Given everything that's happened, Valek thinks it can help ground me for a while."

"Valek found this for you? And you're just going with it? Shouldn't you be doing something better with your time? Like Liaison things?"

"Probably. But things are just kind of hard for me right now."

"Oh right. It's just…" Janco rubbed the back of his neck. "Don't take this the wrong way but this seems kind of…"

"Boring." I finished for him.

"I was going to say mind-numbing. You're kind of better than this, don't you think? And don't tell Gina I said that. She'll mess up my clearance for the rest of the season, I know it."

"You're right. And it's true. I was already bored to death before the first hour was up."

He flinched at the word 'death' but cleared his throat. "Well, at the very least, come by for a morning jog some time. Ari and I miss you. We haven't seen you in quite a while."

"Maybe some time."

He nodded wearily and turned to leave, as if washing his hands of me. "Right…I'll see you soon then."

"Janco, wait." I tried to ignore the tension in his back as I went up to him. Turning the snake bracelet over and over again on my wrist, I said in as steady a voice as I could manage, "I was hoping we could talk about what happened with Jairus."

He scratched at the bottom half of where his right ear used to be and avoided my eyes. "Oh that…well I'd love to but I'm going to be late."

"Well, could we talk about it over dinner tonight?"

"Maybe, sure. Look, Yelena. You don't have to worry about it. It doesn't matter anymore. We're completely past it. We're good."

"We are?"

"We are. You weren't yourself. It was a one-time deal. The important thing is we're all alive. End of story."

"You seem very quick to dismiss this."

There was a deep exhale as he turned to face me with crossed arms. "Look, it's just not something I'm very comfortable talking about right now. And I warrant you don't really want to talk about it either. So why don't we just let bygones be bygones and forget about it?"

When I didn't reply, he changed the topic. "Will you be going to the Ice Festival in two weeks?"

"I hadn't thought about it." I had forgotten all about it.

"Well you should come!" Janco grinned in earnest. "We haven't seen you and you ought to get out more."

"Sure. Maybe."

"It'll be great! Valek can come with and you two could get some quality time in."

At the mention of Valek, I stopped and grew roots. "Actually, on second thought, I'd rather not."

He looked chagrined. "Well…see the thing is we already told him you wanted to go together."

A cold pit swirled in my stomach, heralding nausea. "You…told him that before asking me?"

"Well when you put it that way…but come on! It'll be fun! You two really do need to go out more. And I mean really go out without anything like… this… hanging over your heads. I mean I think it's good cause to worry if the whole castle knows you two haven't been slee-"

My face must have stopped him if his painful wince was anything to go by.

"I thought you of all people would know better." I couldn't keep the sharp edge out of my voice.

"I'm just trying to help." Janco replied evenly.

"It's just not a good time for us right now."

"Waiting around isn't going to do a whole lot of good either." He huffed.

A rock grew in the back of my throat, slowly cutting off air. Unfortunately, my silence became my consent.

Janco beamed. "Great!"

I cracked a smile and gave him every reason to believe I was thrilled.

But he still looked dubious so I added quickly, "It's fine…really. It sounds like a great idea. Do you need help though? With your investigation?"

"You know, now that you mention it, this is a whole lot to go through…" He held up the stack.

"There's a lot of downtime involved with this job. I can help you so you can go do something more important. And you wouldn't have to waste so much time getting clearance for every round you have to make in here."

"That'd be great!" He all but shoved the dossiers into my arms. "It's much more interesting than what you've been doing right now, anyways…well relatively speaking of course…"

I nodded absentmindedly, already mulling over how many there were.

"…and the other half is in the third shelf of Archive C on the fifth floor. Good luck and thanks!"

I watched him skip away as I stumbled to keep all the folders from slipping.

I continued to shiver against the misty gusts of wind despite the piles of clothing and the fur lined cloak. Every part of me wanted to just crawl back into bed and sleep the day away.
Janco and Ari chatted with each other, their hitched breaths making puffs of fog between themselves. I watched their banter as I stuffed my gloved hands into my pockets, inching for every crevice of warmth.

"Yelena." I heard his voice, considerately kept soft to avoid startling me, first. To this day I still wondered how it was possible that he couldn't access the power source but was able to drift across ice with boots on as gracefully as a snow cat.

Ari and Janco continued their debate, but their motions were clearly too exaggerated for nonchalance.

I turned to Valek and tilted up to kiss him. Despite his stoic appearance, there was a sadness in his eyes that wracked my heart and filled it with guilt. But I didn't let any of that show so we could both play our parts. His arm came gently around my shoulders as we walked down the steps and marched forward. My skin crawled but the warmth from his body was welcoming and familiar.

Our companions turned back briefly to gift us with a leer and a teasing smirk.

The Ice Festival as a plethora of booths where each artisan brandished and preened their skill sets. There was everything from hand carved statues to weaponry to tattoo art. A massive crowd gathered under the colossal tent. Loud laughter and haggling could be heard across the parade.

A metallic smell coupled with the odor of hundreds of fur cloaks and leather attire lingered in the air while several artists produced their products for waiting patrons. While the Commander's regime frowned upon unnecessary and extravagant aesthetic, recent years have allowed for more expression of individuality and creativity.

Valek and I soon separated from Ari and Janco (no doubt intentionally on their parts) as we browsed each stand and acted properly interested.

"I haven't seen you in a while." Valek spoke, breaking the silence.

It took me a second to return from my own little world and process his words. To compensate, I curled my arm more securely around his and leaned against his shoulder. "Isn't that how it always is?"

"It's a different concept if we're both living under the same roof every day."

"It's just like old times, then."

His brow furrowed as he shot me an odd look in reply.

We walked up to a booth selling switchblades. The knives glistened in the firelight, their lethal edges ready to slice open bone as well as flesh. There was a time when I would have been enthralled by the sight and the craftsmanship. But today I tensed and turned my head. My mind went back to the paper cut from earlier today that hadn't healed in a heartbeat. I pressed on the bandaged wound briefly and felt the dull burn.

Valek pulled us aside and asked, "Do you want to leave?"

"We can stay as long as you want."

"What do you want to do?"

I fidgeted as the airflow began to reduce. "Leave?" I squeaked.

"Then we'll leave, love." Valek said patiently. "Let's find Ari and Janco first."

We scoured the crowd for them. I was glad for the gloves that hid my sweaty palms. As we moved forward, we seemed to be trekking deeper and deeper into the belly of the beast and I became deathly afraid we'd never get back out. My stomach turned as another bout of nausea swept over me.

Valek indicated that he saw them and I tried to find reassurance in his voice. But when we reached the booth, I froze in place while my blood ran cold.

I shook with eyes opened so wide they could no longer blink. Valek pulled at my hand but I grew roots.
Ari and Janco didn't seem to notice. They continued to laugh and better acquaint themselves with their charming new friend. Janco clapped him on the back as he tried to save himself from another bout of wild guffaws.

But it was too late. I didn't have time to clamp my hand over my hand over my mouth to muffle my scream.

My friends and lover all spun around to stare at me. The onlookers followed suit and turned to gawk at the hysterical woman who sprang from the ground. And yet they were all so far away.

Everything inside me packed and tightened, ready to flee.

Because my mind could only scream one name – his – over and over and over and over again. Him, the man who now stood between my friends and could never, as far as everyone was concerned, possibly do harm to another human being. He was too educated…too charming…too handsome to cause such pain.

They couldn't believe what'd happen behind closed doors. The way his face would distort into that of a snarling monster. The way he held chains and whips like roses and silk. The way his ears heard screams and whimpers as cries of ecstasy. The way his eyes saw blood and bruises as evidence of smoldering embraces.

The man tilted his head, his perfectly styled blonde hair reflecting in the faint moonlight. He seemed to emerge from the embers of the roaring, hellish fire set before him.

Reyad.

Quick note: I know I've been monkeying around with the rating but the next chapter will definitely bump this story to a "M" rating. There will be content warnings, though, so you can have access to a censored version throughout. Just FYI in case it looks like the story just disappeared off the face of this planet when you try to look for it. xD

Teaser: I'm sure it was obvious lmao but I like saying it: ValekxYelena scene full speed ahead!

Reader: No worries! I enjoy your feedback whenever I get them. :D And yes, Valek might sometimes make wrong calls (like we've seen in the incident with Cahil), but in this narrative, he is supposed to be the ideal boyfriend that we seldom, if ever see. Not too hard to imagine that of course. ;)

Unknown: We shall see!

Jezebel DeTrazie: Thanks for reviewing! And no, though a girl can dream, I suppose!

As always, please review everyone! Your kind support/presence really does inspire me!