Author's note: So as you're reading this, keep in mind that I plan on writing five parts to this story and we're only on the beginning of part two. It's gonna get a little rocky, but hang in there!
-26-
As Merlin walked back to the inn, his thoughts were muddled. They'd come all this way only to have her turn him away. Her safety meant everything to him, and yet she had shunned his help without a second thought. He knew she didn't mean it. It wasn't about pushing him away; it was about keeping herself sane, keeping the sorrow at bay. This had been a bad idea, he could see it now. Coming all this way. It had been impulsive. He hadn't considered how Ryll would feel about him showing up unexpectedly. She'd spent the last four months trying to forget him, and he'd come and upset everything. Now it was going to be so much harder. Why did his plans always turn out this way?
He reached the inn, pushing the door open and finding his way over to Arthur and Morgana's table. They looked up at him expectantly. He didn't feel like talking, he would have made his way up to his room, but he knew Arthur would begrudge him if he waited until morning to tell him of his meeting with Ryll.
"Where were you?" Arthur asked impatiently.
"I found her," was all he said.
Morgana and Arthur's eyes lit up. "Already?" Arthur asked, sounding impressed.
"It wasn't hard. I just asked around."
"Well, is she alright? What did she have to say?"
"She doesn't need our help. She wants us to leave tomorrow. She says that it would be a waste of time to wait around for these men. They might not even pass this way." His voice was so expressionless, he realized. He couldn't seem to muster any more emotion.
"What? We came all this way. We're not just leaving," Arthur insisted.
Morgana looked at him thoughtfully. "She doesn't want us getting hurt. She's always been selfless that way. I'll speak with her tomorrow. I think I can change her mind."
He wasn't sure, but he nodded. "I'm going to get some sleep," he said, leaving before either could speak again. He felt their eyes on his back, but didn't pause.
Once alone in his room, he lay down on the cot, staring up at the ceiling. Of all the reunions he had imagined, this hadn't been it. If he was being perfectly honest with himself, he was hurt by Ryll's dismissal of her danger. Of her dismissal of him. He knew she put up a wall in front of her emotions – she wasn't the type to let them show. She came off as defensive and surly when she really felt like crying. He knew all this, but he couldn't forget the look she'd given him as she'd shown him out the door. She looked as if she were ready to move on. He wasn't.
He closed his eyes as he heard Arthur enter the room, pretending to be asleep. The bed across from him creaked as the prince lay down. Within a few minutes, Arthur was snoring softly, but sleep wouldn't come to Merlin. Every minute was counting down to the moment he'd have to say goodbye for good, and he just wasn't ready for that.
…
"He told me he'd stay, you know," Ryll said to Lancelot as they cleaned up the dishes after dinner.
"Stay here?" He turned to look at her.
"Stay with me anywhere. Leave Camelot to be with me."
"And what did you tell him?" he asked.
"I told him that that life wasn't possible, that he belonged there. If I asked him to stay – to leave behind his friends and his life – that would be selfish. I can't just ask him to give it all away for me."
"He is a servant. Maybe he'd be happy to give it up for you. I know he would do anything for you. I could tell by the way he spoke of you before when I was in Camelot." His eyes were thoughtful.
"Then maybe I was selfish for asking him to leave, for telling him there was no life for us. I don't know. I just don't know. I feel awful for the way I spoke to him. I brushed him off like his coming here meant nothing to me. He came all this way to help me, to warn me, and I pushed his help away." She felt a sob rising in her throat. This wasn't her. She didn't just break down like this. "No one has ever done that for me before."
"You've been taking care of yourself for so long that maybe you don't know how to accept help anymore."
Ryll nodded. His words rung true. "Everyone I've ever cared about has been taken from me or killed. I guess I just figured it was inevitable. He'd already been taken from me. I didn't want to risk his life too. I'm just afraid that if he stayed, he'd end up getting killed too."
"Merlin can take care of himself," Lancelot assured her. "He's stronger than you know."
Ryll smiled. "He's a much better person than me. He deserves better."
"Don't ever slight yourself, Ryll. You're kind and caring. You wouldn't have said all that if you weren't. You care deeply from your heart, and you're afraid that the people you care for will get hurt. You protect them by pushing them away. You forfeit your own happiness to keep them safe."
"And in the process, break a few hearts." She let out a strangled laugh. "I'm not used to feeling such things. I pushed all of my emotions away before, after my family died. It hurt too much to care and feel. I shoved it all away until I felt nothing. Sometimes it felt as if I'd lost my humanity too."
"You could never lose that."
"I hadn't been shown such kindness in such a long time up until I came to Camelot. I'd forgotten what it felt like to have friends and to feel like I belonged. When that got taken from me… I just didn't have anything left."
"You're afraid that you'll lose him either way. If he stays or if he goes," Lancelot surmised. "That's kind of you, but unnecessary. He can take care of himself. You shouldn't have to forfeit your own happiness, and perhaps his, just because you're afraid of him getting hurt. If you let him leave, you might never see him again. Maybe you should let him decide." His words were stern, but Ryll knew he was right.
"You're right," she said. "It's not my decision to make."
Lancelot smiled at her. "I think he's already decided," he said softly. "I'm certainly not going to get in his way. There's plenty of room here." They laughed as he motioned to the small cottage. It was hardly fit for two, but Ryll didn't care. She suddenly felt happier than she had in a long time. She wanted to speak with him now. She was afraid she'd done some damage, but she could repair it. She could apologize for her abrasiveness before, for her apathy. She could pound down those walls that kept her from letting herself love and trust that not everything was going to be taken from her. Life was a risk, and letting people into her life was a risk, but if she didn't take risks, she'd stay alone and unhappy the rest of her life.
Excitement swelled in her as she dried her hands. "I'm going to speak with him," she said.
Lancelot grinned. "Good luck," he said. "I'm happy that you've made your decision."
"That I've decided not to be such a stubborn and arrogant ass?" she asked, grinning back.
"Stubborn maybe and perhaps a little arrogant, but never an ass," he said. "You're still learning how to let people in. You've been letting go for too long."
"More than I ever knew." She grabbed a cloak and left the cottage. Night had fallen now, but she knew he would speak with her no matter the hour. There was only one inn in the small village, so she knew they would be staying there. Her feet carried her quickly down the road. Her thoughts were so full that she didn't hear the footsteps behind her or see the two shadowy men trailing after her. When someone grabbed her from behind, she realized a moment too late that she had no weapon. She of all people, always prepared for an ambush, had no weapon. She let out a cry, but a cloth was stuffed into her mouth. Something hard wacked her on the head and she saw stars. She was dragged roughly into a small alley between two shops. It was so dark here that she couldn't make out the faces of her assailants, but she had a good idea of who they were.
"Do you know how long we've been tracking you?" one of them said. She couldn't speak with the rag in her mouth, so she just glared at him. "We saw you hunting in the woods earlier today, otherwise you might have gotten away. Your friends seem to have stolen our map. Now here's what is going to happen. You're going to tell them to leave. I want that prince gone. Our quarrel is not with him. This is not is not his kingdom, but we do not want to incur the wrath of Bayard either. No, our quarrel is with you. I think you know why. Here's what you're going to do – you're going to go tell that servant boy of yours that you want him to leave. You don't want him coming back. You're moving on with your life. If you don't, then we will kill him and his blood will be on your hands. After that, we'll see. Maybe if you beg for mercy, we'll spare you. But then again, maybe not." He roughly removed the cloth from her mouth. "You have five minutes to speak with him, outside the inn where we can see you. If you try to warn him in anyway, we'll kill your friend back at your cottage too. Are we clear?"
Ryll nodded slowly. "I wouldn't risk my friends' lives," she said. Inside her thoughts were garbled. If only she had a sword or a dagger or anything. She would bring these two men down faster than they could blink. How dare they threaten her friends. She bit back her fury. She felt the coolness of a knife pressed to her neck.
"Do not test me," the man breathed in her ear. "You cost me so much. My servants laughed at me. The people in my village shunned me. I was a joke all because I was beaten by a girl. Do you know how that feels to be shunned?"
"Yes," Ryll said. "Actually, I do. I too paid for entering in the tournament. I was banished from Camelot."
"But you're the one who caused your problem. This is your fault."
"You're really going to hold this against me?"
"Why not? It's all I have left." The knife left her neck. "Go. I will be watching your every step. If you so much as blink, I'll pierce his heart with an arrow."
"I won't." She tried to think of a solution, a way out of this. She had no way of warning him without getting him killed. She wasn't about to risk that. She had to let him go.
"Go." The man gave her a shove. "I'll be right behind you."
Ryll moved forward, walking toward the inn with a sense of doom hanging over her. All the happiness that she had felt before was gone. She wouldn't get the chance to apologize to Merlin, to undo what she had done earlier. She'd drive the nail in harder, push him away to save him. But that wasn't her; she didn't just give in and give up.
The other man had vanished. Ryll turned her head, but she couldn't see where he had gone. The man behind her seemed to realize what she was doing. "He's gone to see that your friend back at home is under control. If I'm not back in ten minutes, he's going to shoot him through with an arrow."
"Why don't you just kill me now?" Ryll asked.
"Because I want to see you suffer."
"You're twisted," she spat back at him.
"Maybe so, but not as much as you. You think you can survive in a man's world fighting in a man's competition? I'm not the only one you upset by entering in that tournament."
"Yes, well you're the only one trying to kill me. You just can't get over the fact that I'm better than you."
"Not right now. You aren't even armed. You were blinded by emotions, going off to tell your boy you loved him."
"That was a private conversation." Ryll clenched her fists, furious that he had been listening in. They had reached the inn. Ryll didn't know which room Merlin was in, but the man holding the knife to her back seemed to know.
"Now what you're going to do is write a nice little note for him to come down and hand it to one of the maids. I'll be right here, watching your every move, so if you try to write something else…" He let his words hang in the air for a moment.
"I won't."
"He's in room five."
They entered the inn, and Ryll asked the man at the front desk for a piece of paper. She wrote a quick message.
Merlin–
Meet me outside the inn. I need to speak with you.
Ryll
"Could you please send this up to room five? It's rather urgent." The innkeeper nodded, handing the letter off to a maid. Ryll backed out of the inn, waiting outside. The man slipped into the shadows, but Ryll heard him notching an arrow. She felt her frustration boiling within her. She had no way of stopping this. If she tried to warn Merlin then he'd end up with an arrow in his heart. She had to let him go for his own good.
"I'm going to come up with a story about Arthur's life being at risk," Ryll said loud enough for the man to hear. "He'll go if it means keeping Arthur safe."
"As long as you don't give me away," the man replied from the shadows.
"You're the one with the bow." She broke off as the door to the inn opened. Merlin stepped out, and Ryll suddenly couldn't breathe.
"Ryll, I got your message," he said, stepping toward her.
"You've got to leave," Ryll said. The desperation in her voice wasn't faked. "Arthur's life is in danger. There's a group of rebels staying here who wish him harm. I overheard them speaking when I was buying some bread in the bakery. They recognized him, Merlin. They have something against Uther, and so they wish to strike out at Arthur. For his safety, you must leave tomorrow morning right away." She heard the faint sound of a bowstring tautening. "Tonight. Tomorrow might be too late."
"But we've just arrived. Arthur doesn't want to leave until he knows you're safe."
"We've been over this, Merlin. Those men might not even think to look here. I have Lancelot to protect me now." She hated to use this against him. She had seen the way he'd looked at her and him earlier. Lancelot was his friend, but that didn't mean Merlin couldn't feel jealous. "It's better this way," she insisted. "Seeing you again was too difficult. I spent four months trying to forget how happy I was in Camelot. We didn't get a chance to see where whatever it was we had could go, but it just wasn't meant to be." She could tell by his eyes that he was breaking, and she was breaking too. She wanted to cry, but she held her tears back. "Wake Arthur and tell him his life is in danger. You need to leave now."
"I know you're afraid."
"Afraid? Of Arthur coming to harm? Of course."
"No. Of saying you love me." His words hung in the air.
Ryll felt her heart break at her next words. "I can't be afraid of something that doesn't exist. I'm sorry, but that was a dream. You belong in Camelot and I cannot set foot in that kingdom on pain of death. It's not my home anymore. I'm sorry, but it's time to move on." She hated herself for those words. She wanted to take them back, tell him she was lying, but she could hear the man softly breathing in the shadows. If she gave anything away, Merlin would be dead.
"You don't mean that."
"Merlin, why are you making this so hard?" This time she poured all of her emotions into her response. "Don't you see? I need to move on and I can't do that when you're still holding onto me. What we had back in Camelot is gone. You need to find happiness without me." She had to hurt him or he'd never go. "Please just go."
He took a step back, staggered by her words. She prayed he could see that she didn't mean them. Her eyes were filling with tears now. She couldn't hold them back any longer.
"I'll tell Arthur we need to leave. Thanks for the warning." His voice was stiff now, like he was talking to a stranger.
"Good." Ryll forced herself to smile. "It's for the best. It would break my heart to say goodbye again. It was hard enough the first time."
"Well this will be the last time." He left her standing in the road. Her tears started falling, and she covered her mouth to keep herself from sobbing.
"Well, you are a little actress, aren't you?"
Ryll whirled on him. "Why don't you kill me now?" she spat at him. "You've already done half the job."
"Because this is you suffering. I'm not going to put you out of your misery. Not unless you get on your knees and beg me."
"I'm not going to beg for you to kill me."
"Your other friend is going to be dead if we don't hurry back. I'll follow you." He nodded down the road. Ryll started walking. She wasn't going to lose two friends tonight. Tears streamed down her face, but she walked on, stumbling slightly as her vision blurred. She kept reliving that moment in her head. The words that had come out of her mouth…it was as if she'd turned into someone else. It was to save his life. She'd kill these men. For all they had put her through. She would kill them. She let this resolve take over her mind.
"When we get there, you're going to tell your friend that the servant boy didn't want to stay here with you. He's moved on."
Ryll didn't reply. She didn't care what she told Lancelot. She'd probably be dead by dawn anyway. It didn't matter what she had told Merlin. He was leaving. She wanted him to leave because it meant he got to live. After this was over, after she had killed the men, she could go after him, explain it all. Another voice inside of her said, You nearly got him killed. People around you die. He's safer back in Camelot.
They had reached her small cottage. She saw a man crouched next to the window, crossbow aimed through a small gap. He withdrew it when he saw his companion. "Go in there," the man told her. "We'll come back for you after Prince Arthur leaves. Tell anyone of us and we'll make sure your friends suffer. We'll be watching you."
Ryll entered the house to find that Lancelot was asleep. That saved her having to relive her conversation with Merlin. She lay down on her own cot. She felt broken. Empty. It was the same feeling she'd had after her parents had died. This was her life – losing the ones she cared about. It happened over and over and now was no different. He's better off far away from me, she told herself. I'm better off alone. These words echoed through her mind as she tried to fall asleep.