"Well how many troubles should equal a legitimate reason for self-mutilation? Ten? Twenty? One hundred? And how monumental must these troubles be? There's probably no critical mass beyond which cutting yourself would ever seem to most people like a reasonable choice. I cut because it did look that way to me. I cut because something had to give. I cut because the alternatives were worse."

-Caroline Kettlewell, "Skin Game"

~Janco~

"It's just ridiculous. I don't know how she could still feel this way after all this time. I mean, it's been so long, hasn't it?!" Janco paced the office and stopped abruptly. "It's almost as if…she has no idea what I'm going through! I mean, I try so hard but I still get the exact same treatment! She just looks at me the same. But you know what? I don't how bad she's had it. This is just…! Insufferable…! Ludicrous…! Over the top…! She is being completely unreasonable!"

He threw his hands up. "I wish I could take back everything I said and did but I can't. And yet she still expects me to do it all the same. The way she's reacting to everything I say or do…I just can't take it anymore! Just the other time I was home she said I was washing the dishes wrong. How do you even wash dishes wrong?! If it's clean and you can eat off it again I'm pretty sure that got the job done! But noooo…! Apparently I didn't pre-soak them or something…What the hell is that even supposed to mean?! And, oh for the love of snow cats, get this. She told me that I needed to give up picking locks for good if I was ever going to make something of myself. I won't be an honest, upstanding man until I find 'respectable' work that's properly dull enough for her to brag to her uptight, oh so intellectual friends."

"It's like being made captain and second-in-command of all things means nothing to her! But instead of an 'I'm so proud of you, Janco,' all I get is a 'well at least you didn't break into prison again." Janco finally finished and crossed his arms furiously.

Valek set his quill down and looked up at his subordinate. "I don't know what it is you keep waiting for me to tell you."

"You could at least look like you're interested." Janco huffed. "And some advice on how to deal with an overly critical mother would help too."

"I would think that giving you leave to rant while I'm working shows just how properly interested I am. And my family's been dead for years."

"Your lover's mother hates you. How do you deal with that?"

"How do you deal with your own mother?" Valek opened a drawer to retrieve a file. "What works for me probably won't work for you. Not to mention my situation isn't even comparable to yours."

"I know, I know." Janco scratched beneath where his right ear used to be. "I usually talk to Yelena about these things…but lately…she doesn't seem interested. Come to think of it, she doesn't seem interested in anything we've been talking about or doing lately. I read mother's missive as soon as we got back and had planned to bring it up after she'd be more than settled, but…" He made a futile gesture.

"She's going through a difficult time." Valek said without hesitation. "You forget that many things have happened last season."

"I know it has to be hard for her." Janco slumped in a chair and dangled an arm over the back of it. "But I do miss her. And so does Ari. He was talking about how frustrating it is, not being able to make her better."

"You can't imagine how much more frustrating it has to be for her." Valek drummed his fingers against the desk and gazed out the window as he spoke. "Her line of work requires a great deal of self-confidence and stamina, two things she doesn't have a great wealth of right now. And whenever she's upset, Yelena likes to go Soulfinding. But even that was taken away from her. She has to learn to cope again and the adjustment is never easy."

Janco fidgeted, as if a bug had crawled down the back of his shirt. He stood. "Ari was right about one thing though. I shouldn't have bothered you. Please don't tell him I just admitted that. I'd never hear the end of it."

"I wish I could be of more help. Yelena's clearly better at this than I am."

"No you two are just…different about it. See, when we talk to Yelena we get this feeling she's trying to help us, better us, all that fluffy, happy stuff. With you it just seems like you're sizing us up to either manipulate us or to test in a way that might get us kille…" Janco trailed off as Valek's face grew more and more deadpan.

"I see."

"That's not to say things don't change, of course!" He waved his hands quickly. "I mean, if you think about it, just a few years ago I would have never admitted something like that to your face. I probably would have just lied and said you were as sweet and nice as her. Then I would have probably gossiped behind your back…to help you maintain that intimidating reputation of yours, of course!"

"You probably wouldn't have talked this much either." Valek kneaded his temples.

Janco sighed. "I'm nervous. She's coming up first thing at the start of the Freezing Season when the roads are open again. I mean, what would I even say to her? 'Why, hello there Mother! How am I? Oh just peachy! I got in a scuffle where I broke one guy's arm and crushed the windpipe of this other guy. Just great!' I'm so screwed."

"No you're not." Yelena's amused voice came from across the room as she entered. "You'll be fine. The fact that she visits this often just shows she's proud of you."

Janco crossed his arms petulantly. "You've clearly never felt the cold shoulders, seen the icy glares, and heard all the reprimanding that can freeze blood. The woman is a snow cat, plain and simple."

"You're right. And you should tell me all about it."

He raised an eyebrow as his face fell into a comical gape. "Alright, now I know there's something still wrong with you."

"Wrong? What…what do you mean wrong? I'm perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with me." The folder came down over her left arm.

Both men gave her an odd look. Janco crossed his arms. "You just asked me to talk…"

She laughed as her stiff shoulders relaxed. "Well, I mean it. I've been just so…caught up with my own problems lately that I haven't been a good friend to you. So tell you what." Yelena held up the folder. "Give me an hour to take care of this and we'll have dinner where you can tell me all about it."

"Be still my heart!"

Yelena's smile faded as Janco swaggered out of the room. She sat quietly in front of Valek's desk.

He finished his thought and set the quill down to find his lover's eyes on the open window again. There was something unsettling about the way she watched the sky – the way her brilliant green eyes would glaze over and her hands would fall limply in her lap.

"What's it supposed to be like up there?"

It was meant to be a casual, innocent question. But her response and that wistful voice terrified him. "Your guess is as good as mine. If I knew, I couldn't be here anymore."

When he made no reply, she nudged the folder towards him. "I found something important. Torak, the woman in the relationship, has a sister named Tacyn. Luckily for us, she works as a housekeeper in the castle and when I find time today, I'll talk to her."

Valek thumbed through the dossier and nodded. "I can assign one of my people to this task, Yelena."

"I can handle this." She met his gaze.

"Alright. Let me know if you change your mind. Otherwise, we'll meet back at my suite to discuss your findings."

"Sounds good." She stood.

"Yelena." Her hand stopped mid-turn on the doorknob. She shifted to face him and waited.

"If you ever want to talk or if you just don't want to be alone, you can always come to me. You know that, don't you?"

Something in Yelena's face changed for a flash of a second. She took a breath. "I know. You just always come through for me."

An ominous, foreboding chill swept through Valek as he processed her words.

"But you don't have to worry about me anymore. I really have been doing better. I'll be just fine." She grinned as she strode back to him.

It took all the self-restraint he possessed to keep from locking her in his arms when her lips brushed against his cheek. And it took what he never knew he had to keep those same emotions off his face when she said goodbye with such finality.

~Yelena~

I winced as I removed the damp bandages. It had been two weeks and the wounds were draining and beginning to heal.

I chafed around the more superficial cuts that had itched and burned all day. When I found no relief, I settled for cleaning and redressing the wounds.

I slipped the snake bracelet back on. Guilt swelled in my chest as I thought of its creator.

I'll stop after the wounds have healed, I promised myself. I'll never go back to it again.

I looked back down at the bracelet, mesmerized by the two sapphire eyes that glistened even in the hazy light. Why did I have to do this to begin with?

I picked up the switchblade and activated it. The duct rushed and I scrubbed furiously at the blade, as if cleaning it would clean away all my bad decisions. There was a click from the outside and the knife nearly slipped out of my hand.

I fumbled for a moment before I closed it and pulled my sleeve down. The rough treatment of healing skin burned and I blinked back tears.

A denizen muttered a greeting as she made her way to the washing area.

I collided into Janco in my haste out. A loud clatter echoed in the hallway and my hand immediately slapped over my arm. I bit my lip to keep from crying out.

"Yelena!" Janco bent down to pick up the knife I had dropped.

I shut my eyes, unable to bear the horror and disgust on his face.

But Janco, still grinning, merely passed the knife back to me. "You should keep this close so you don't lose it. And make sure you do a better job of cleaning that blood off. You don't want it to start rusting.

Stunned, I tore my hand off my arm and snatched back the knife.

"There was a rookie on the field today who dropped the knife like you. Only it wasn't a switchblade so it was actually open. He cut himself and his first instinct was to drop his weapon." He shook his head at the amateurism.

I attempted to shrug my tense shoulders. "Well you know, people do make mistakes. Sometimes these things happen even when they were careful and did everything they were supposed to do. And knife wounds do heal. People shouldn't hold this sort of thing against them forever." I bit my tongue to cut off my babbling.

Janco tilted his head as he surveyed me. "Right…"

I changed the topic quickly. "Ready for dinner?"

I waited outside the chambers in the still silence of nightfall.

A trio walked past me with fleeting glances my direction and excited whispers toward themselves. Their uniforms comprised of a white shirt with red diamonds at the collar and black pants, indicating their rookie status.

Tacyn emerged from the room hefting a basket of cleaning supplies and a broom. But all traces of fatigue disappeared at the sight of me. "Evening, Liaison…" she muttered before she all but tried to flee from me.

"Tacyn." I called out to her.

She turned halfway in a noncommittal stances so I rushed to continue, "Can we talk somewhere private? It's about your sister."

Tacyn flinched but nodded stiffly as a signal to follow. She discreetly led me to the narrow room she occupied in the castle. I sat as she lit a lantern and checked the lock on her door for the third time.

Satisfied that it was secure, she turned to me. "Talk."

"I don't want to bore you. Tell me what you already know."

"Do you think I'm stupid?" She placed a hand on her hip and narrowed her shrewd eyes. "You think I don't know that anything I do or say is just going to go straight to Valek?"

I could threaten her. But intuition told me it would be far better to remain on friendly terms. Diplomacy: when the dog won't budge, tossing a bone always worked better than yanking at the leash.

"She's in town. I noticed that they didn't come visit you despite their solemn oath it was their purpose. It might be time to worry."

Tacyn's face fell as she began to wring her hands. "I had no idea."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

She looked up at me and bit her lip as she hesitated. But eventually the words came out, haltingly, but ever flowing. "Tor hasn't been herself ever since she went and met Bale. Even before they married, things changed. We didn't talk anymore and we hardly saw each other. It seemed her whole world just revolved around him at that point."

"Can you tell me more about her husband?"

"I never knew him that well. In fact, the most interaction I've ever had with him was at their wedding. But even then…something just didn't sit right with me about him."

"What do you mean by that?"

Her brow furrowed as she contemplated the old memory. "I might just be paranoid. But everything Bale did always seemed so planned. Having days off when Tor and I had plans, being wherever she was…even the wedding seemed too deliberate. Tor was never one for marriage." She removed her apron and folded it nervously. "You should've seen Tor. She seemed so stiff…and scared. She hardly even looked at me –on her wedding of all days (!) – and I could just tell she wasn't happy."

"I don't think you're being paranoid. Weddings are supposed to be happy, freeing times. How did she meet Bale? What was her job prior to this?"

"She worked as a server in one of the taverns. It wasn't ideal but we wanted to stay together after our parents died. Bale was a tutor in the Commander's castle until he transferred to MD-5. Naturally, she had to go with him. I haven't spoken to her since."

"If the weather clears up some time this month, I can look into this and give you an update."

Tacyn bared her teeth slightly as her lip curled. She turned away and twisted her skirt.

Not budging again. "I won't report to Valek on anything I find."

"And this conversation too…whatever I tell you can't go to Valek."

"You have my word." I shook her hand gravely.

Tacyn held my hand for another moment as she considered. She took a breath before speaking in a tight voice. "I'm starting to realize you're probably the only one who can help her. There's a reason why she can't leave him…and how she got mixed up with him in the first place."

The truth dawned on me.

She read my face and nodded. "Torak has magic."

"But she never flamed out."

"There was this friend of theirs. I saw her briefly at the wedding." Tacyn's face greyed with her regrets. "I managed to overhear a part of their conversation where she promised to solve their 'problem' for them. Bale was smiling but I never saw Torak look so terrified. They haven't left MD-5 once since they moved here. I'm sure that whatever it is they're planning to do to her…it's going to happen soon."

"Bale knew." Bile filled up in my throat. "And he blackmailed her."

Tacyn nodded, breathing deeply as the burden of secrecy was finally lifted. "He wasn't always like this. He was kind and considerate when they first met. She was probably flaming – whatever you called it – by then. But he helped her somehow. Supported her as she learned to control those powers. Then he just…changed. And no one ever expects this sort of thing from a tutor. A soldier or a prison guard, maybe. But definitely not someone as patient and adored by children as he was. All his students loved him." She shook her head and tossed the apron aside onto the bed. "I should have known."

"This wasn't your fault. And it wasn't hers either. This is just how they get to you."

Tacyn looked at me as she sat down slowly on the bed. "It's just so terrifying how men will eventually expect something in return for their kindness."

Valek was working when I walked into his suite. But he looked up immediately when I entered.

I removed my cloak and draped it over the arm of the couch. Unable to sit still, I began to pace and organize the clutter.

"What did Tacyn have to say?" Valek asked as I closed a book. His chair swiveled back to the front after he stood in one fluid move.

I stopped as my heart accelerated. "She didn't say much." I spoke too quickly.

He picked up a rock and tossed it to his other hand. "But what did she say?" His tone remained effectively neutral and unyielding.

"She talked about her sister. What happened before and after she met her husband. It was intense and she wanted confidentiality."

He set the rock down and moved closer to me. My breath caught. "I'll plant one of my corps in the inn the couple is staying at."

Valek watched me and I suddenly felt like a rat stuck in a mouse hole. Tacyn's word filled my head despite my resistance. It's just so terrifying how men will eventually expect something in return for their kindness.

Why did Valek want us to meet back at his suite in the first place? I felt my throat constrict.

Suddenly, I saw Opal. I saw her blissful honeymoon with Devlen before he became a monster.

Perl's voice rang in my head: "Just don't let him do you any favors. At least not until you're ready to pay them back."

My own terror frightened me. An image of being pinned to the wall, suspended in midair all those years ago…when I was his food taster and when he could casually kill me without good reason…when he contemplated doing it twice…when my body legally belonged to him.

I can still remember when I stopped being afraid of him and when our relationship changed. But what did any of that mean when I was like this?

What if I stayed like this? What if I was already fading away?

What if I was the one doing this to myself?

Ari and Janco were right.

"That won't be necessary. I can do it." I took a step back unconsciously. I used the last of my will power to keep myself steady.

He frowned. "You don't have to, love. I can help you. And besides, you still have quite a bit to worry about with your liaison duties."

"I'm making progress on that. And besides, this is a sensitive situation. Especially because Tacyn confirmed the husband is very much involved."

His face lit with silent understanding. He moved back to his desk and picked up a folder. "This sounds serious. It would be wise to at least have backup. I'll assign-"

"No!"

The dossier slipped from his hand but he managed to catch it before it hit the floor.

I rushed to explain as he regained his footing. "I already built rapport with Tacyn. It'll be better if I just keep my promise."

It can't be as bad as lying if I just didn't tell the whole truth, right? I had good reasons after all.

Of course it was.

Valek's face hardened. "Alright, we'll go with your judgment. There are quite a few lives that hang in the balance but you seem to know what you're doing." He put out the lantern and the room darkened with his mood. "Since you already have a plan where you're the only one involved, you can probably handle this on your own. So I'm going to bed. Good night."

He turned away from me and walked up the stairs.

Okay I am trying really hard to get this story mostly, if not completely done by November because NANOWRIMO. But it's probably not going to happen since this isn't even the halfway point (lol I promise I actually have the plot mapped out!). My worst fear is losing inspiration after walking away for a month because it's been known to happen.

So please review to keep me going!

Reader: Thank you for reviewing! I try to do my very best with those two. Keep that awesome commentary coming! Nothing flatters an author more than when people analyze her work to the degree that you do. :)

Unknown: Aww thanks for the compliment. I'm trying to update as fast as I can. You reading/staying with this story all this time means a lot!