"It is not pleasant to experience decay, to find yourself exposed to the ravages of an almost daily rain, and to know that you are turning into something feeble, that more and more of you will blow off with the first strong wind, making you less and less. Some people accumulate more emotional rust than others. Depression starts out insipid, fogs the days into a dull color, weakens ordinary actions until their clear shapes are obscured by the effort they require, leaves you tired and bored and self-obsessed- but you can get through all that. No happily, perhaps, but you can get through. No one has ever been able to define the collapse point that marks major depression, but when you get there, there's not much mistaking it."
― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

I trudged through the snow with frozen skin and ice clinging to the back of my cloak. The thought of my warm bed paired with fatigued bones made me instantly regret not taking up Valek's offer to help. But an even stronger drive to prove that I could handle this suppressed it as I checked the map again.

Jewel Inn stopped at the front of the barricade, several yards away from what was officially MD-5. I looked up at the intricate, ivory building and marveled briefly at the stark contrast it stood to the austere construction that stood beside it.

Burying the map deep into my pack, I strolled into the inn. I casually sat at a table in the corner and ordered a meal. My targets were several tables away but the goal at this point was merely to identify, not eavesdrop.

A couple huddled close to each other through a frost covered window beside the roaring fire. I quickly matched the description Tacyn gave me of her sister: short brown hair and a tall stature. The woman wore the uniform of a server and, by her vivacious laughter, would have passed for an indulgent worker on break with a favored customer had it not been for the green diamonds stitched to her collar.

I took a deep breath when I saw Brazell's colors again. My food arrived and I automatically cut it into fours. I held a piece up to my nose and stopped abruptly.

With slow, surreal motions, I ate the piece and several more – all untested for poisons. I drank the wine in one fell swoop and found odd satisfaction in the reckless burn that pulsed through my body.

My eyes glazed over at the burgundy residue at the bottom of my empty glass. No poisons.

I froze with cold horror when I realized I was disappointed.

A loud guffaw from Torak disturbed the dark mood. Bale returned his wife's laughter with a grin of his own as he placed a hand tenderly over hers. He seemed to ask something of her to which she exercised her freedom to firmly refuse.

To outsiders, they were the perfect, caring couple.

I stood and walked over to them.

They glanced up as they were about to reach for each other again and looked at me.

"Surprise inspection. I need to see your papers."

They shuffled through their belongings and retrieved the documents. Bale gave his to me without hesitation but Torak's hand shook slightly as she handed hers to me.

I glanced over the papers. It confirmed their identities and their purported purpose for being here – to see a dear sister and sister-in-law named Tacyn.

I handed back the papers without another word. This time it was Bale's hand who shook slightly as he took his form back.

Violent winds tore into the foundations and scraped at stone as I scrambled back in to the castle. Frost clung to the windows and left sills damp with melted snow. Denizens shuffled back and forth into their destinations outside; taking small, waddling steps to avoid slipping on the ice. Several regularly would, and their curses could be heard through the heavy doors.

The storms had never ceased for the past three weeks.

And neither did the one between Valek and me for the next three after that.

He'd stop and give me a curt greeting in the corridor. There was a held breath, as if he expected me to say or do something. I'd make a brief, noncommittal reply and watch with rapidly watering eyes as he walked away.

Ari and Janco insisted I continue training in the store room with them. I'd stumble through several matches and my lips would bleed from wincing bites when the tender injuries on my forearms were inevitably struck. My friends stood next to each other with crossed arms as they observed me.

Just ask. A part of me would scream. Ask me why I'm like this. Ask me why everything hurts. Ask me why I always seem to run to the baths after the abysmal matches.

But Janco would always crack a smile and declare I was getting back to my old self. Ari would decide that the slips were clear indication that I needed more practice.

I sighed and decided there was comfort in the fact that things never changed. If they were already bad, at least they weren't getting worse.

And so the last of the Cold season dragged on like years, as I fell into a monotony of making uninspired progress on the Season's Communication, avoiding my lover, training, and the occasional espionage of the pertinent couple.

On the first day of the Freezing Season, I glided between the occupied doors of the inn and stopped to "hunt" fruitlessly for my keys. As I did so, I marveled at how the Spartan Commander had permitted such colorful and extravagant displays to remain in existence.

A yellow door to the left of me opened and I was met with the suffocating stench of lilacs.

Torak emerged with her packed bag and fidgeted in the landing. Her white knuckles shook as she waited for her husband to follow.

Bale emerged with an easy smile but stopped abruptly. The corner of his mouth twitched as his eyes narrowed on her right shoulder.

He gripped her arm and brought his lips to her ear. She promptly began to apologize profusely for not being careful enough about her laundry. Of course the shoulder was important. It was clearly one of the most lasting impressions.

I "found" my keys and inserted it into the lock as his hand rose.

There was a sharp gasp and the last thing I heard was the couple's rapidly retreating footsteps and their violent scramble down the stairs.

Cursing, I opened a hidden door and ran outside before they could get past the crowd in the foyer.

Bale came to an abrupt halt when I blocked his path. His death grip on his wife's hand never eased even as his face lost all color.

I crossed my arms. "You know, running makes you look guilty."

"Who says we're guilty?" Bale shot back, "We're just in a rush."

"Rush to where?" Valek seemed to emerge out of thin air as he came out of a crowd. "To go back to work while everyone is still trying to pass off bad weather for travel delays?"

We were surrounded by a large crowd of people making their way out of the inn and onto the shared wagons parked on the main roads. They all seemed to pay us no heed as they quietly tended to their business. Several common, unremarkable faces who walked by us belonged to Valek's corps, no doubt.

Before Bale could answer, Valek cut him off. "But your papers will acquit you, I've no doubt."

He froze. Torak looked helplessly between us and her husband as Valek drew his sword.

I reached out to her. "I can help you, Torak."

Her eyes locked on mine and she considered.

Bale barked out a laugh that made her flinch. "Help? She's standing next to the man who makes his living killing off your kind. The only kind of help you're getting from her is a less agonizing death."

A gale that came from nowhere threw me off my feet and I collided straight into Valek. He dropped his weapon instinctively and caught me.

But in our frantic scramble Torak and Bale had vanished.

Valek made a silent signal for his hidden corps. One woman dropped a wheelbarrow and discreetly walked over. He informed her to send horseback messengers out to all the border guards surrounding the district to block travel. She nodded once and disappeared into the crowd once more.

We stood in tense silence before Valek spoke, "Are you going to tell me why it was somehow not important to tell me that Torak was, not only able to access the power source, but able to at such an adept level?" His anger chilled me more than the winter ever could.

"No." I replied simply, not looking at him.

"No." He ran both hands through his hair and looked as if his wits had just been swept away by the harsh, freezing winds.

When I didn't speak, Valek turned to me again and took charge. "We should return. The Commander is waiting for a report and we need to plan our next steps."

I didn't face him as we walked back. My mind raced as I blinked back tears. How was I going to fix this? Torak will be dead because of me. This was all my fault.

CW: Acts of self-harm until next line break

I pulled down my sleeve in the dank of the baths. The scabs that were sloughing off suddenly offended me. I fumbled for a moment before plucking a pin out of my hair.

When I was sure I was alone, I tore the protective covering off to reveal its sharp edge. I looked away as I stabbed the pin into the healing cut and ran it down the skin that dared to stitch itself together. From a thousand leagues away, I marveled at how my breathing was no longer ragged and labored. That same calm and quiet only enhanced as all my sensations turned over to the new source of pain.

I turned my head back, mesmerized by the way my bloody, open skin was able to tighten around and hold the pin in perfect place when it could hardly sustain the body it was meant to serve.

I opened the duct and ran the icy water over the reopened injury, savoring the sharp and shrill sensation as it bit into the cut.

When the wave died, I stood abruptly. Through half lidded eyes, I snatched up my reddened towel and clamped it over the cuts, willing them to stop. The hairpin disappeared from my view when I buried it deep into my pocket.

With eyes averted to the mirror, I glanced down and realized I hadn't taken the snake bracelet off. Blood smeared on its once glistening back. I cursed. How could I have been so careless?

The bleeding stopped and I pulled the bracelet off. I washed it as best I could and slipped it back on.

I lounged on the couch with a book. Two more days until the Sitian magicians leave. Two more days and I will be in Brazell's clutches. Why did I think this was a good idea again? Why the hell didn't I just run when Irys had told me to?

Then something occurred to me, "Valek?"

"Yes?" He sat at his desk, shuffling through papers and charting contingency plans.

"If taking My Love has such…messy effects, how do those 'disheartened wives' get away with using it and not being charged with murder?"

Valek's pen stopped moving and he looked up at me. A glint of admiration sparked in his eyes as he lectured, "Good question. My Love is one of those poisons that act so quickly your body knows it's bad the moment you ingest it. A dose larger than two or three drops would make you keel over, comatose, until the poison takes you by the end of the day."

"So they would need to put it in something that a person would take a large swig of without thinking."

"Correct. When thorough investigations were made where My Love was the weapon of choice, the poison was commonly found in beer mugs and cold canteens of water set aside as a reward for a hard day's work."

I sat up thoughtfully, "Put them to bed, leave them there for an entire day until it's too late to save them, and…" I gave a performance complete with a very melodramatic sob, "I don't know what happened! He just died in his sleep!"

Valek threw his head back and laughed heartily. I knew I loved him when I caught myself joining in.

After a few moments of companionable silence, Valek stood to "organize" some of his books, "It'd be suspicious if you were to have a sudden, very conspicuous fainting spell. So you shouldn't have to worry about anyone putting such a large dose in the Commander's drink…unless" He stopped abruptly as the thought occurred to him. "…they really intended to kill you."

Valek tensed, then shook his head when he caught me staring, "Don't worry too much about that either. I will find a way to save you." He said this with such fierce determination and promise I was taken aback.

"I'm glad to know you care so much."

Valek fidgeted and cleared his throat. He wordlessly returned to his desk, picked up a book, and turned it to a random page, "Yes well, I would hate to have to train another food taster. It's a hassle as I'm sure you're well aware of. And of course," I felt the intensity of his gaze, "My offer still stands."

I made myself meet his eyes as regret panged in my heart. If I didn't have magic, I would have jumped at his offer – to stay by his side, shed away the food taster role, start a new life, and maybe one day become something more to him.

He broke eye contact first with a slight sigh that sounded more like frustration than anything else and returned to his work.

I was given so many opportunities, I thought obsessively as I turned the corridor to Valek's office. Did I really have a right to feel this way? My eyes watered at the thought of them finding out – any one of them. The way they would look at me…they'd turn from me.

And I would be alone again.

I would be back in the dungeon.

I opened the door and walked into Valek's office.

He sat at his desk and never looked up. "I was sure I told you we wouldn't be meeting for another hour. Unless that information wasn't important enough to retain either."

"I wanted to apologize." I said in a steady voice.

Valek finally looked up. He sighed with heavy weariness but his eyes remained hard and cold as sapphire. "Apology not accepted."

I am so sorry for this late update. I was having another one of those perfectionist spells. But I promise the next chapter (and the continuation of this interesting conversation) is half completed as of now so will be up soon! And if it isn't super clear, that made up flashback was at the sorta end of "Poison Study" where Yelena was about to follow the Commander's retinue to MD-5.

Reader: Thank you! I just love your reviews. They make me smile. :) :) :) Make sure to tell me what you think of this chapter too!

Unknown: Thanks for the extra review. xD I hope the delay was worth it!

And for other ghost followers - you know the song and dance: please review!