"People out there must be told about the self-loathing that follows rape and how it's the greatest breakage in divine law to mutilate themselves, as I have done." -Tori Amos

The Warper lurched forward when she lost her magical grip. She stumbled to her knees with a sharp cry.

In one fluid motion, Valek spun the sword in his other hand to deflect it from my face as he yanked the knife out. His warm blood soon soaked my shirt.

Torak and Tacyn found and clutched each other amidst the chaos.

Ari and Janco charged her and latched a null shield jacket around her bony shoulders. Without access to her magic, she was easily subdued and manacled. The Warper stopped struggling, her blanched face unreadable in her surrender.

Valek slowly released his hold on me as the scene abated and sheathed his sword. He efficiently made a crude bandage out of a torn edge of his shirt and slowed the bleeding.

As Ari and Janco began to question the Warper, Valek turned to me. "Are you alright, love?" Concern emanated from him as he took my hands.

I fought the worst urge to run sobbing into his arms. Instead, I muttered that I was fine.

"I suppose this is the part where you say I 'have to talk or die.'" The Warper was saying several feet away. She had managed to sit cross legged on the ground, with one hand resting on each knee. "And it is also the part where I ask, 'oh, but how long will you let me live after I tell you everything?' My name is Edyta by the way."

I shook my head and walked to her. "You'll die anyways. Why prolong it?"

"Why be a food taster then? Life can be full of pleasant surprises if you decide to live long enough. You of all people should know that – that is, when you used to be that kind of person, of course."

"Hey!" Janco yanked on the manacles, making her cringe in pain. "Did I say you could go off topic? Answer the questions: Who do you work for? How many more of you are there in Ixia?"

She shrugged delicately. "The hell would I know? I've never been one to ask questions that don't concern me. How else do you think I stay alive for so long?"

"You still have to be intelligent enough to be trusted with a task like this." Valek said. "Why would Jairus let you take this much power for yourself? Unless you had a bigger part to play?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself? I already told you. I just follow orders."

Valek retained his poker face when she leaked the information. We hadn't even known who she worked for until now. "What were the rest of those orders?"

Edyta's mouth closed abruptly. She turned her head and focused her attention on the wall across the room.

"I was only being generous in asking you directly." Valek's teeth clicked together. "There are less cordial means but…You will tell me what I need to know. And you will tell the truth."

Her eyes widened and the chains clanked as she trembled. Ari pulled her to her feet and marched her out of the door. Janco went over to the two sisters and spoke in a soft and encouraging voice to them. Tacyn nodded shakily and they let him lead them out after Ari.

I walked up to Valek as the room emptied. "Your arm…"

"I will be fine. Don't worry about me, love." He jerked his head at the door. "A night and a day in the dungeon should break her."

"Just one night in any dungeon would be enough." I said quietly.

Valek turned to me, a rare show of unadulterated fear in his face. "Yelena, we need to talk."

"We will." I replied in what I wished was a more reassuring voice. "But we should take care of this situation first."

He nodded briefly, letting me off the hook for now.

I woke at midday and lay still in bed, thinking about what had happened the night before. Somehow, it all seemed so far away – as if it had happened years ago or in a dream. I vaguely realized that it had been only two seasons.

Not wanting to face Valek or my friends, I decided to find Torak and Tacyn. Torak had been allowed to stay with Tacyn for the time being. Valek had convinced the Commander that she could still be vital to the mission's success.

Torak stood by the window when I came in. She never turned as she spoke, "Tacyn went back to work. She can't even stand to be near me right now."

I shut the door behind me and sat on the bed.

"None of this is your fault. You know that, right?"

"It's not?" She looked at me. "I'm pretty sure I was the one who ran off with the wrong guy and caused this whole mess."

I didn't speak.

"But you know the best part of all of this?" Torak laughed ruefully. "I can't stop crying and feeling sorry for myself in spite of it all."

"There's not really a right way to react to pain like this."

"I messed everything up." She shook her head. "I've caused so much trouble. I just don't feel like I deserve to feel this bad."

"As someone who has been messing everything up lately too, crying's just what I ended up having to do." I admitted. "It's never really something I can control because everything just comes out all at once."

Torak smiled sadly. "Me too. And I hate having to hide it."

"I don't think it's very healthy to do that. It can be quite stifling. Then you can't even cry anymore and that's when you're in real trouble."

"That's the worst. But I still rather be alone. Although it's impossible now because Tacyn likes to hang around all the time."

"Tacyn has a problem with you crying?"

"She won't admit it but, it makes her feel worse and even more useless."

"Maybe it shouldn't always be about her."

"Maybe it shouldn't always be about me."

I stayed silent.

She continued, "She's already having a difficult time processing all of it. I still remember the first time he hit me…she cried even harder than I did. And having to see me suffer like this, while not being able to do a thing about it, is excruciating. I just want to be strong for her."

Unable to justify my own past actions and sentiments, I wasn't entitled to argue. But it made me realize several things. "Doesn't this make it worse in the long run though? For everyone, as well as for the both of us? We think we're helping but…I was a liability for this mission and for so many other things we've been doing lately."

"But they expect us to just be better." Torak shrugged. "Actually, I don't even know what they want from us half the time. On one hand, it looks like they want to help us and be supportive. And yet on the other hand they're impatient and short when we do ask for help. We're supposed to just stop 'sulking.'"

"It's not something we can just choose to recover from." I spoke more to myself now. "Maybe because we have been hurt. And this pain is real. And we shouldn't let anyone try to tell us otherwise."

"They just don't understand that. Even the ones who mean well. That's all it is."

"Why don't you start from the beginning? What, exactly, were you commissioned to do?" Valek slammed both hands down onto the wooden table that stood between them.

Edyta had been manacled to her chair. Her shoulders drooped and her hair and body were grimy from a restless night on the grubby straw. But she held her chin up.

Instead of more threats, however, Valek perched on the end of the table. In a toneless voice, he asked, "Do you feel like eating? Would that help you remember how to talk again?"

She glanced up once and inadvertently revealed the hunger in her eyes. In a tired breath, she confessed, "I was supposed to take her to MD-1. Her opportunistic oaf of a husband had bartered her magic. But when we met, he realized the cost and by some grand, amazing, beautiful miracle realized remorse." Edyta glanced at me pointedly. "I agreed when he guaranteed me a Soulfinder and here we are."

I scoffed and crossed my arms. "You're the same as Devlen. No regard for anything but your own selfish gain."

"You did not just compare me to Devlen. We are nowhere near on the same level." She sniffed. A new spark shone in her eyes.

"You're both corrupt Warpers addicted to magic. Of course you are."

"Oh please. You still believe that addiction myth Devlen keeps trying to make happen? I've been doing this for years. I am not addicted."

I shook my head at her audacity. "You will be."

"Why? Because Devlen is?" She rolled her eyes. "That man can get addicted to planting corn if you convinced him it would inspire fear and respect. And by that he'd mean he'd have a condition where he needs to plant all the corn and you can't have any."

"So you do know Devlen…on a rather intimate level."

Her mouth clamped shut again. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead in spite of the cold.

Valek began to interrogate again, "What is Jairus planning? What are the parts you and Devlen play in all of this?"

Edyta turned her head away and refused to speak.

Valek nodded. He turned to a guard. "Take her back to her cell. And bring her food and water."

She raised an eyebrow. "You're feeding me?"

"You get food for talking. You get locked up for refusing to." Valek shrugged and made every motion of nonchalance. "People lose track of time quickly in here. Especially people like you who are so unaccustomed to being alone."

The guard yanked her to her feet and led her down the stairs and into the darkness.

A vision of being marched down the same path intruded as I listened to their receding steps. The manacles sliced into the skin of my wrists and I could still smell Reyad's blood on my hands behind me.

I turned away and squeezed my eyes shut.

When I blinked them open again Reyad sat in Edyta's place, casually reading over the open folder on the table. His cruel eyes found mine and he smiled as he wagged his fingers at me in hello. Then he leaned back and steepled his fingers as Valek walked past him to speak to Ari and Janco. "What did I tell you, Yelena? You always end up exactly back where you started. You just never learn. Now do you understand why I was always so frustrated with you?"

I began to organize the papers on the table. "You're dead. You're not here."

Reyad only burned brighter as he set his booted feet on the cleared surface. "And you're not?"

I gasped and looked quickly at my friends across the room. They continued their conversation, paying no attention to me.

"You're no longer fighting a losing battle, Yelena. You've already lost. It's always been a matter of time before you figured that out."

I shook my head and refused to look at him.

He began to laugh and, as he did, I watched with horror as his neck sliced itself open. Blood sprung forth and the white bone revealed itself under the blue moonlight.

Something grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to the present. I must not have been able to hide the horror in my eyes as Valek immediately grabbed both my hands. He followed my line of vision but was blind to Reyad's grotesque display. "What's the matter, love?"

I shook my head. "Just remembering unpleasant things."

He nodded in understanding and chafed my cold hands. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." I pulled away. "You need to brief the Commander anyways. Don't worry about me. I'm just going to bed."

The Power Twins had joined us. Ari stood behind me. "We'll walk you back."

Valek nodded reluctantly and we left.

The three of us walked in tense silence before Janco came to an abrupt halt. We looked at him when he fell behind.

He scratched at where the bottom half of his right ear used to be and held his breath. Finally, he breathed deeply and said, "Yelena, is there anything we can do?"

"No. There isn't." I said flatly. The urge to run was back. They were suddenly too close.

"It's just...it's been more than a season and you're still like this. If anything, you've just been getting worse." He immediately winced, already regretting his words.

Ari put a hand on his shoulder. "What he means is we're really worried about you. You're still distracted all the time and clearly not feeling better. And what happened with the Warper…If you need to talk, then maybe…"

"Talk." I cut him off with a bitter laugh. "Everyone wants me to talk now."

Ari paled and Janco's mouth was wide open. I began pacing, agitated. "Talking doesn't help because you couldn't possibly understand. You can't understand what I mean when I tell you that when someone puts the colors green and black together, I get panic attacks. You think this all began two seasons ago? It's been beyond that. It's always been happening…and sometimes I thank fate that Valek and I are apart so often because I don't know what I'd do if he had to see me like this more than just once in a while."

"But do you honestly think I chose to be this way?" I stopped; my head light and my heart racing from the disclosure…and more to come. "Do you think I get some sick kick out of feeling like this all the time and from needing to be taken care of like this? It's been a decade since I've gotten out. Since I've made something of myself and lived a full life and known happiness. I should be over it. But I still get nightmares and to this day, I can tell you every single damn detail – from the design of the fence to the number of trees that were there to what everyone was wearing down to the last button – from when Reyad threw me into a pen with all his rabid, biting dogs when I can't…I can't even remember which direction the couch faces in my own house."

"But none of this matters to you. You can feel bad and you can feel sorry for me. But you can't understand what I'm going through; why this is killing me. There are just some days…when…some days…like now where I just can't." My throat was beginning to cinch and breathing becoming laborious: Another panic attack. "I can't…I can't do this right now."

I ran past them and kept going, ignoring their alarmed cries.

I ended up back in the guest suite. The door shut behind me and I stood in a stupor, shaking.

My breathing slowed in the still silence and I locked the door weakly behind me. I slid down to the floor, sobbing.

In my tears, I left the world behind and fell into an exhausted sleep.

I found myself on a large, feather soft bed. Sprawling myself on it with a contented sigh, I smiled at the feel of the cool, fresh sheets and the clean duvet. But when I closed my eyes, I only tossed and turned.

With a groan, I sat up and saw that the room was bare and empty with the exception of Reyad's "toy chest" standing idle in the middle of it. Oddly enough, there were no shivers or shortness of breath. I stared at it, merely annoyed that it was there.

With a resigned sigh, I threw the covers off and swung my legs over the bed, resolved to remove it. Maybe I could throw it out the window. Then again, I thought as I glanced to the right where the window was, that tiny hole in the wall looked too small to fit a candlestick through. There was probably a door around here somewhere. I could push it outside and just deal with it tomorrow.

When I turned my head, Valek was at my bedside. He looked at me in equal parts confusion and concern.

A longing I haven't felt in months swept through me like a tidal wave.

I reached up for him, locking my arms around his neck, needing every bit and essence of him to fill the aching emptiness in my heart. He descended into the bed with me as he returned my embrace and our lips met. Relief and bliss washed the heartache away as I melted into his caresses and kisses; his affection covering me like a warm blanket.

My eyes drifted shut but they snapped open when he abruptly stopped. There was a brief, tense pause before Valek slowly pulled away. He didn't meet my eyes but hung his head, his hand fisted around the sheets as he made an agonizing decision. Miserable regret clouded his handsome features when he looked up and as he, in one fluid move, climbed out of my bed and went to the door.

I sat up and looked at him with wide eyes as he stood at the threshold, leagues beyond my reach.

Wordless, he only shook his head wearily and walked away.

I stumbled out of bed and trailed after him, breaking into a run. But he was long gone by the time I made it outside.

There were many doors and empty hallways. And I had no idea where I was going.

"I think you can smooth this out with some grass." I turned to see Leif digging through his pack until he pulled out a box with air holes. "What do you say? I'll even throw in a pet rock. Nothing brings couples together better than pets: All the joys of a baby without the sleep deprivation!"

Shaking my head, I counted all the doors and hallways, mulling over which to go through. There was a small rattle as a knob turned and a door opened.
Janco poked his head out with a cheeky grin. "The training field isn't going to train itself you know!" He laughed and turned to leave, the door slowly shutting behind him.

I dashed through the door before it could close. An icy blast hit me sharply when I went through the door. It bit into my skin and my teeth chattered. I folded my arms and shivered against the pounding snow.

Up ahead, Janco and Ari battled a snow-cat.

"White and fluffy doesn't mean it'll give me a scruffy!" Janco sang loudly into the howling wind as he jabbed left with his sword.

Ari smacked his head but ducked out of the way of a swiping claw.

"Liaison!"

I jumped at the sound of the Commander's powerful voice. He strode in with his generals in tow. They set up at a table several feet away from the ensuing battle and appeared unperturbed by the storm sweeping documents left and right across the rattling table. The brandy bottles and glasses clinked in the bluster. I watched as they sat and made their greetings, all the while plucking strewn papers from their faces and politely returning them to their proper owners.

The snow cat snarled and clawed at Ari and Janco with blood stained talons. Its white fur bristled with unharnessed rage as it lunged and pounced with lightning fast speed. But they continued their battle as casually as if it were another training match.

"Any day now, Liaison!" The Commander barked.

"Ye…yes sir!" I heard myself say as I made my way toward the table. I realized I hadn't brought my things. I glanced sheepishly at the Commander, who seemed more focused on adjusting his frost covered seat to a more comfortable position. He cursed when the chair wouldn't budge efficiently enough against the ice.

There was a crash as Ari and Janco's snow-cat swiped the table, taking a chunk of it along with Kitivian's briefcase with it.

"What the…! " The General yelled before turning to me. "How could…why'd you let it do that?!"

"I didn't! The snow-cat…"

"Yes I can see that, do you think me a simpleton? And now that thing is going eat everything along with those two idiots unless you do something about it!"

I turned to the Commander.

Why though? Why did I do that? Was I asking for permission?

He shuffled through some papers and flicked a lump of snow off his shoulder. "I'm starting to feel my hair go grey at the rate you're going, Liaison."

Sit down at the meeting or help Ari, Janco, and Kitivian? Which snow-cat did I prefer right now?

"Get your grass here!" Leif called out over the battle cries and the whistling of the wind. A tree toppled over from behind and nearly flattened him and his stall. "Fresh grass made from real grass! Guaranteed to be green until it turns brown!"

Commander Ambrose sighed loudly and threw his hands up. "Would you hurry it up, Liaison? What will it take to get you to move just the slightest bit faster? We'll all be dead by the time you get around to even thinking about doing something."

It occurred to me that I didn't have my bow either.

The door I came in through was still there. "I'll be right back." I called out.

"What?!" Janco cried out in outrage. In his distraction, the snow-cat swiped him and he shattered into a thousand glass shards.

"No!" I cried out when the wind blew the shards away into nonexistence.

I squeezed my eyes shut like a coward, unable to see the same fate befall Ari as the snow-cat came up behind him.

I opened my eyes to find myself in an empty classroom at the Keep.

Bain materialized before me. "Late again, Soulfinder." He pointed to a seat.

Without question, I sat at the front and center. He tapped his stick to begin the lesson.

"What is the power blanket?" Bain looked straight at me. "You used to know this, child."

I racked my brain but couldn't find the answer. "I don't know, Master Bloodgood."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Anyone else?"

"Well the answer to that is clearly grass." Leif piped up. Sitting next to me, he had his notebook open and was taking copious notes. "The grass is here." He pointed to his chest. "It is also there." A gesture to the air around us. "It is all around us and it is not at the same time."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't listen to him. He grew up in a jungle."

Bain nodded absentmindedly. "Yes that's quite alright. You're very welcome." He went behind the desk and began to mutter as he flipped through a book.

More students had appeared when I blinked again. Some chatted and laughed with one another while others took notes on nothing in particular. Bain picked up another book and, after being mildly disappointed that it didn't have what he was looking for, tore out a page, scratched some words out, turned it upside down, and nodded with a faint "aha."

Valek and Irys sat together in the back, high above me. With his booted feet propped up on the table, Valek leaned back in his seat on his folded arms and yawned. Irys continued writing as her other hand landed playfully on Valek's knee. She finished her last thought and set the pen down. In one fluid motion, she swept behind him and began to massage his shoulders. A swirl of magic, fell on them like powdered snow. Valek stiffened, then relaxed. She whispered in his ear as she kneaded his muscles and he answered her, amused.

"Oh, ugh…! Eww…" I swiveled back to the front, shuddering and very nauseous. "Honestly the nerve of some people around here…!"

Leif was busy sorting through the grass in the box by length and by width. "Tell me about it. This guy told me this piece was 'narrow' when it clearly has got to be a 'narrower.' Or is it more of a 'narrowest'…? I don't even know anymore…"

Above us I could hear Valek's hearty laughter and Irys's answering giggle.

I think I was late for something again. With a resigned sigh, I slid off my chair and climbed under the table.

The classroom disappeared and when I emerged it was from under a table in Opal's room at the Keep.

Leif walked up to me, proffering a box. He opened it to reveal that it was empty. "If there isn't any grass in here, this is what it will look like. I need to go find some so it won't look like this anymore." With an important nod, he walked past me and out the door.

When I moved closer, I saw Opal sitting on a couch as her children ran about, unattended and wailing. She raised her head slowly from her knees, her own eyes swollen with tears. Something glittered on the small table in front of her.

I walked up to her haggard form and realized it was broken glass shards.

"You need to sleep." My voice was distant. "You need to rest."

She looked up at me, eyes drying, and replied, "I do. I'm so tired."

I nodded in understanding. "I know. I am too. But it'll be over soon. We just need rest." Across the room was her lonely bed. A musty layer of dust hung over the once pristine, white bedding and cobwebs clustered the rust speckled frame.

Opal hesitated.

I stepped forward. "I can help you. We should put you to bed."

A gust of grime and soot rose and fell as we turned down the bed together.

She climbed in obediently and I pulled the filthy covers over her, like a burial shroud.

Opal closed her eyes as her sobs subsided into small shudders. For a moment I could only see how vulnerable she was; how trusting and easy to hurt.

As I had always been.

I picked up a pillow and pressed it to her face.

She struggled beneath me, thrashing and throttling as her arms flailed out and clawed at my hands. I pressed harder, perplexed at how long it was taking.

Eventually, she was still. I loosened my hold on the pillow and stood.

A tremble washed over me when I vaguely realized I had killed again. I stumbled back a few steps.

Leaned against the wall, my hand went to my butterfly pedant and clutched it. At my touch, the chain that held it broke. I gasped and fumbled at it.

But, as if it had taken a life of its own, it leapt off my throat and, still sparkling, fell to the stone floor to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces.

I woke with a violent start, breathing heavily. My hand went to the butterfly pedant. "Thank fate." I whispered when the chain didn't break at my tugging.

But my heart still ached miserably. Wiping the tears away, I stood on wobbly legs. How long have I been here? How long has it been since I've eaten? I felt my eyes water when I couldn't even remember that.

Shaking my head, I sniffed and covered my eyes, too sick and too tired to cry. I'll go to the baths, I told myself calmly. I'll start there. It'll relax me and then I can focus on feeding myself.

My hands shook so violently the knife fell to the ground with a loud clatter. Shuddering, I fell against the sink, swallowing large, freezing breaths and sending icy daggers of pain through my head.

My eyes fell upon the mirror by pure accident. I stopped.
I looked at the mirror again. The woman who stood before me looked worse than the one who had once languished in the Commander's dungeon; without light or even the most diminutive form of defiance in her haggard eyes.

She was dead.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I turned my head away.

But when I opened my eyes again, she was still there.

My fingers clenched around the sink as I felt nothing but raw hatred for this pathetic, self-pitying, sulking creature.

There was a crash and my hand came away bloody. The mirror cracked inward but hadn't broken. I could still see her.

There was another smash and another.

The glass seemed to shatter into a thousand pieces. I looked at the blood in my hands. Bits of glass dropped from them as I rotated them, mesmerized by all the red.

Suddenly I was on the ground, frantically gathering the shards together with my bare hands.

I stopped just as abruptly.

For a moment I only looked at the broken mirror. I couldn't feel the broken skin or the shards that were driven so deep into my limbs they must have scraped bone. Memories of Reyad driving me through glass doors invaded and I wanted to scream. He'd stop hurling me when my body finally broke the incumbent barrier, like he ordered. I was in a heap on top of the shards, bleeding and sobbing at his feet. He'd tsk, telling me that it was my own fault for angering him again. But if I fixed it…every last piece and speck before he came back, all would be forgiven.

I started having panic attacks then. How was I supposed to put a shattered frame back together? But I still tried. I gathered the pieces to me and diligently tried to perform the impossible. Each time it a shard toppled over, it became harder to breathe.

When Reyad returned to see that I had failed again, I readied myself for a beating. But his boots crunched the glass into even tinier shards as he crouched before me. I saw him procure a handkerchief from his uniform breast pocket. He took my hand and sighed as if he was the one who had suffered and with malicious tenderness kissed it. And I only felt relief.

I wanted to cry at the unfairness of it all.

As gently as a lover, Reyad began to remove the shards and clean my wounds, murmuring kind words and consoling coos that made my heart burn and break at the same time. At that point, one year into those experiments…one year of complete isolation, I wanted kindness so badly in my life…even if it came from my abuser.

The sound of footfalls brought me back to the present. I glanced up to see Margg looking down on me, an undiscernible expression on her face. She pursed her lips and set down the linen basket she had been carrying. I saw her march towards me and instinctively scrambled to my feet, prepared to run.

But she was faster and took hold of my arm in a vice like clench, "Medic. Now."

Reader: Thanks for staying with this story for so long. :) I'm so glad it still captures your interest! Keep those reviews coming please! You have to know you do inspire me to keep going!

Fun fact - This story was originally meant to be 21 chapters tops (including the epilogue). But now it'll likely be twice that. I never even planned for it to be more than 50k words. And I also planned to have had it finished three months ago, not nearly a year later. Don't you just love it when outlines don't go as planned?

But yes. All the cards are now on the table. After all, it's unlikely that even the ever so discreet Margg will be able to keep something like this to herself. Stay tuned! I will likely have the next chapter up in two days. This is the part where I really meant a lot if it has already been written!