I'm sorry again omg I babysat and then school and then a social life and I tried to update sooner but I couldn't but don't hate me okay bc I love you so you can't hate me okay i'm sorry, here's the chapter you (hopefully) have been waiting for. :)

"Then we kissed."

Sitting in French, I was telling Cam about my Friday night and as I told him the ending, I tried to hide the smile that was creeping its way onto my face. I had always wanted my first kiss partly so that I would be able to tell my friends about it. At the time they were my friends back home but now I only had one friend I could tell whether he wanted to hear it or not.

"Judging from the way you sped through the entire story to get to that part, I'm assuming it was your first kiss." Cam said, pausing from writing the notes to look at me.

"Is it that obvious?"

Cam stopped writing and looked at me with a surprised face, "Actually, no. I was joking. Are you joking? That couldn't have been your first kiss."

Suddenly I felt like telling anyone about my first kiss at this time was the wrong decision. My first kiss should have been when I was 16 or earlier, the earlier the better nowadays I supposed. Telling someone my first kiss was in my senior year was probably pathetic, almost as pathetic as never having a boyfriend.

"Serious as a heart attack." I said, almost in a whisper as I had wished that I had left that little detail out of the conversation.

I guess Cam had seen my expression as everyone could because I was open book and no matter how much I tried to hide my emotions, they still showed. He said, "I'm not saying it like a bad thing, I just thought you'd have your first kiss by now. Not timing wise but I mean, you're really pretty and you're an awesome person so I figured you'd have that out the way by now. Me on the other hand, it's fully understandable as to why I haven't had a first kiss yet."

I smiled as I wasn't the only one with the dilemma of having a first kiss pretty late. It seemed like 5th graders were having their first kisses with lists to go along with them and I was about to graduate high school and just checked off my first one. It wasn't like with Cam's kind words, I suddenly was confident about the fact that my first kiss was less than 72 hours ago but it made me feel a little better. Part of me still wished I had a first kiss before but I realized that, that kiss being my first made it even more special. That was what a first kiss was about, for me anyway. It was about a special moment that you would be able to share with someone special, whether or not things worked out. Eli and I might not talk after this year, we might be distance memories to each other but I would be able to look back on my first kiss and know that he was special to me and that I wouldn't have wanted a first kiss with anyone else at that time. I wouldn't have to remember it as at a party during seven minutes in heaven with a guy whose name I didn't know in a house where I had never been.

"I'm not gonna say don't feel bad about it because I still feel bad that mine was this late but as a friend, I'm here to tell you that you're awesome and pretty cute too and if I didn't see you in a best friend, little brother, annoying but I can deal with you because you're awesome kind of way, that I'd kiss you. No matter how long it takes, just make sure it's with someone special that you know you care about and it'll be okay." I said, with a reassuring, or what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

"Someone special, that I care about." Cam repeated with a nod, "Alright, will do. But back to you, so that means you and Eli are kind of a thing now, right?"

I looked down as I could feel my cheeks starting to blush. All weekend since the kiss had happened, that was what was going through my mind. Were Eli and I now together or was the kiss just a kiss? I didn't have the experience of that before so I had no clue if a kiss made two people official. I also didn't have the experience of a boyfriend so I had no clue how that worked out either. I had pretty much no experience involving the opposite sex unless it was blatant friendship. But back to Eli, I knew I had feelings for him. I liked him so you could say but we were friends and I didn't know if he felt that way about me so I didn't want to bring that up and make things awkward. So, I hid my feelings in front of him. I didn't talk about how I could stare into his green eyes all day and never get tired of it or how I could kiss him all night and never get tired of it as well or how I had what seemed like electric shock treatments running through my veins anytime he got close to me. I kept all that in, to myself, for the fear of rejection. For the fear that he didn't feel the same way. For the fear that once again, I'd like someone who I wouldn't have a chance with and that I would be alone because I would never find someone who would settle for me. In this case, it was also for the fear that I'd lose one of the best friends I had.

It was pathetic that I clung to Eli as a best friend when I had only known him for a short amount of time but I could be myself around him without having to second guess everything that came out of my mouth. He was one of only two people at this school that I knew, that knew me. I was practically a nobody in literal terms. I wasn't special, nothing stood out about me among the crowd, except maybe my hair and my violin playing but other than that, I wasn't someone people gravitated towards. But he gravitated towards me and I held onto him closely for that fact. But all these feelings, these things I only wished I had the confidence to say aloud, I kept them to myself. Being rejected was my biggest fear and I'd rather have all these thoughts stuck in my head, ripping apart my brain to get out, and have Eli as a friend than say them and be alone because only I felt that way.

Then I realized I was still in a conversation with Cam, who was staring at me, waiting for a response, "Oh, Eli and I? No, just friends. It was only a kiss, nothing major."

"Someone special that you care about? That's someone major." Cam said, with raised eyebrows.

"You're someone special that I care about and we're friends. If I kissed you, we'd go back to being friends, it'd be awkward at first but we're still just friends." I shrugged, trying to make myself believe it as I said every word but even I couldn't convince myself.

"Those are two completely different things and you know it!" Cam exclaimed in a hushed whisper, talking lower than we were just in case his voice got louder as he continued, "You can lie to yourself but you can't lie to me. I see the way Eli and you look at each other. Of course because you're in denial, you can't see it but me being on the outside, I can. That was more than a kiss and both of you know it. You're going to try to make it seem like it wasn't and that's fine but it'll come out sooner or later, even if I have to interfere."

My eyes widened as Cam said interfere, "With what?! Cam, it was really just a kiss, I'll even ask Eli when I see him and knowing him, he'll tell me the truth."

"If he's in denial like you are, he probably won't. You both are afraid because you think the other doesn't feel the same way but I'm 90% positive you both do. Just wait, it'll happen, I know it will."

The bell rang and Cam and I both packed up what seemed like unnecessary notebooks considering we spent the whole class talking about my Friday night and taking about one-fourth of the notes. When we walked out of class, we went our separate ways as we always did and Eli walked up behind me. I always liked how there wasn't an awkward silence between Eli and I no matter how silent the walk was but with the recent kiss and the feelings I so hardly wanted to ignore, I couldn't help but feel awkward.

"So," I said, trying to stop my brain from running its wild course and to stop the awkward silence before it got even more awkward, "How was your weekend?"

"It was pretty boring." Eli said, looking at me, "And yours?"

"Pretty much the same." I shrugged, still feeling the awkwardness. Pushing all the thoughts out of my mind that tried to tell me to stop, I forced myself into asking, "So, that kiss that happened, Friday. It was just a kiss, right? Like we're still just friends, right?"

Eli looked at me with what was an unreadable expression and that scared me the most because I had nothing to clue me in on what could be the answer. But then he smirked and said, "Of course. Just a kiss, we're still just friends. I'll still pick on you."

"And I'll still retort back with the same level of sarcasm." I smiled, glad that I had gotten the question off my chest.

But even with the question off my chest, I still didn't feel good with his answer. Of course, I wanted to know where we stood as a couple or friendship or whatever we were. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope that he would have professed his love to me by saying the kiss was more than just a kiss and that he liked me as more than friend and that he would do anything to mine, okay maybe not that last part but I would have wanted Eli to feel some way similar to me as to what I felt to him. But then again, I always liked guys out of my league so I didn't know why I put my hopes up that Eli would be different from the rest. He could easily find someone prettier than me, funnier than me, smarter than me, more experienced than me, more outgoing than me, more confident than me, someone just an all-around better person than me. But I'd still be hung up on him.

Trying to push those thoughts to the back of my mind as I could tell they were probably showing through the fake smile I had plastered on my face as I walked with Eli, his voice had come into mind again, "So, what do you think?"

I blinked a couple of times, trying to search my mind hoping that maybe subconsciously I had heard what he said but nothing was popping up, "Think of what?"

"My Halloween costume idea." Eli said, with raised eyebrows.

"I didn't hear it, I'm sorry. Zoned out for a second."

"More than a second. I spent at least two minutes talking about it," he lowered his voice, "And they say we don't listen."

At any other moment in time, I would have thought up a marvelously sarcastic response to Eli's clearly in hearing shot statement but nothing made its way into my brain. I just didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to say it. All this time I was so good at hiding my feelings for Eli from myself but now that I reflected on them and acknowledged them, they were all I could think about. Nothing else took a hold of my brain like those thoughts did, especially since once again, only I thought of the other person in that way. I tried to stop thinking about it, I tried to make my brain go back to other things that made me happy like good music or TV or food but somehow my brain refused to let me move on from the feelings I was drowning in.

I snapped out of my self-reflecting when I was stopped in my tracks by force and looked up to see Eli looking at me, almost in a worried way. His hands were on my shoulders and his eyes were staring into mine.

"What's wrong?" Eli asked, seriously with no ounce of sarcasm or joking, "And don't say 'nothing' or 'I'm fine' because a fine Summer would have had tons of comebacks flying back at me by now. And I also wouldn't feel like I'm talking to myself."

I opened my mouth, confident enough to tell Eli what I was thinking but closed it as I realized telling him would only make things worse not better. I searched through my brain to try to find a reasonable excuse, knowing that Eli wouldn't let me go if I didn't tell him what was wrong, or in my case, make up a story about what was wrong.

"I just didn't get enough sleep, I'm pretty tired, that's all." I said, hoping that my story would be somewhat believable and that he couldn't tell I was lying.

He stared at me for a little and I thought that he didn't believe me but then he took his hands off my shoulders and I knew I had gotten away with it.

"Well, just a take a nap in your next class, you'll feel better."

Oh I wished it was that simple.

I'm sorry if I don't update I just wanna say that but I won't abandon the story so no matter how long it takes, you'll still get chapters okay I'm sorry! Also, wish me luck to get tickets to see Charli XCX bc i really want to and I need wishes so yeah. But more importantly, review the chapter because you definitely want to, you know you do. :)