"A sense of humor is the best indicator that you will recover; it is often the best indicator that people will love you. Sustain that and you have hope."

-Andrew Solomon, "The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression"

~Valek~

Maren shrugged. "Samitar is a giant pain in the neck. But from what I've seen, he doesn't look like a conspirator. Personally, I don't even give him enough credit to be one."

Valek pointed his quill as he lectured, "The successes of the most 'credible' ones depend on you thinking just that. You must always remember to look past superficial appearances and your own first impressions."

"Yes, sir."

"But you may be accurate about Samitar." He continued. "Not that he isn't capable, but that his involvement may not have been necessary. It may have even been cumbersome. Can any of you tell me why?"

Maren considered her answer for a moment. She spoke as the gears turned, "Brazell, at his prime, managed to cover up an entire torture chamber under his own roof. And for fifteen years at that. But people go in and out of districts all the time – not a whole lot, mind you – but often enough."

"So why didn't anyone say anything?" Janco asked. "Wanting a reward is one thing. You can count on people wanting to keep mum until intelligence becomes worth a pretty penny. But at the same time, gossip is always free."

"When do people ever stop gossiping?" Valek asked quietly.

"When there are consequences." Maren's mouth twitched across in sympathy as she understood the implication. "When the person is protected by someone who cares enough to do so."

"But there would still be a whisper from time to time." He shook his head, storing the thought away for the present. "How did Brazell manage to keep the entire thing so quiet so that even my most discreet corps found no reason to be wary?"

"Magic." Janco spat.

Valek nodded. "The fact that I had so easily discovered this scheme would imply that Samitar does not have that kind of resource. That doesn't answer the most important question though. What is the General's involvement in all of this?"

"It would have been likely that Samitar stumbled upon this scheme, and, having already inherited a depraved reputation for his district, decided it more prudent to cover it up." Maren said. "Our enemies would hope we remained distracted enough, pondering the General's involvement, than to believe they were acting independently."

"Correct. So what would be our best course of action at this point?"

"Wherever they were planning to go. MD-1."

Valek nodded. "Good deduction." He turned to his second-in-commands. "Ari, Janco, you will investigate and report back. Go under the pretense of investigating Kitivian's 'snow cat project.' That will be your disguise."

"Yes, sir!" They said in unison.

There was a loud, hollow rap on the door.

Valek looked up first. "Come."

Margg entered with a smile that was far smugger than usual. She glanced around to see who was present and was all but ready to do a jig. "She's finally snapped. The Liaison." Her tongue curled as it always did when she said "rat."

The quill dropped from his limp hand but every other muscle tensed as he stood.

"Found her in the bathhouse. She managed to break a mirror with her bare hands. The Medic said there was other sick cutting she was doing to herself." She shuddered melodramatically. "Can't say I expected much there…what with all that-"

"I didn't ask for your opinion." Valek snarled. "You've made your report so you are dismissed."

Margg opened her mouth but wisely shut it and made her leave.

Valek's face was ashen and he was briefly at a complete loss of words. When he finally found his voice, it was hoarse. "Stay here."

When he had gone, Maren turned to Ari and Janco. They sat in dead silence, horrified expressions burgeoning on their ashen faces.

"Don't." She held up a hand as Janco began to speak. "This had nothing to do with you."

But Janco shook his head. "No, we knew. All the signs were there. We just didn't want to see them."

Maren seemed confused. "Why not? You're her friends."

"We didn't know what to do anymore." Ari said. "It was just so hard…to see her that way."

"Just imagine how much harder it must have been for her to feel that way." Maren crossed her arms with a disappointed outbreath.

"You weren't here all season. You didn't see how this all played out." Janco said in exasperation. "It was like she…became another person."

Ari nodded. "She withdrew from everyone until we just couldn't reach her, let alone help her, anymore."

"So you just gave up? You just left her alone?"

"We just didn't know what to do anymore!" Janco strained. "She wouldn't talk to us and we didn't know what to say anymore."

Ari shook his head. "We thought she'd know what she needed. And she wanted sleep and privacy. So we thought we were doing the right thing by giving her space."

"You seemed to have meant well." Maren said, "But it just wasn't enough. You don't just ask her once or twice if she's alright or if she needs help. It sounds nothing less of insincere."

Janco turned sharply and lashed, "Alright you are the last person I'd want to hear say that Ari and I are insincere when it comes to our friends."

"I didn't attack your character. Anyone in their right minds can see you two are loyal to the end; through thick and thin." Maren replied patiently. "But Yelena isn't exactly in her right mind right now, is she?"

There was a sharp, revealing silence.

~Yelena~

Medic Mommy took my arm and appraised it. Bloody specks of glass fell into her hand and she shook her head.

"I fell on some glass." I tried to explain.

"Hmm." Was all she said as she set my arm down and went for her med kit. If only I had my powers and could fix this myself.

Medic Mommy returned and took my hand again. She systematically began to remove the shards lodged in my skin. I gritted my teeth to keep from crying out. When she began to bandage my hands, she said in a very calm voice, "Valek should have been notified by now."

I started but was held down firmly. "It really was glass this time!"

She gave me a level look, "Yes, after you smashed a mirror to pieces with your bare hands. And these…" She hitched my sleeve higher to reveal my crude bandaging. "These show that this is a habit. The housekeeper was only doing her job. She's required to report self-harm and you do need help."

I grumbled but she only proceeded to clean and tend the cuts properly. When she finished, she patted my hand. "It's a good thing we found out about this in time. You could get the ugliest infections from this!"

With impeccable timing as always, Valek burst in through the doors. My chagrin prompted a sigh and I was soon in his arms. Medic Mommy gave me specific instructions for my injuries before drawing the curtain closed to give us privacy.

"I'm so glad you're safe."

I gingerly rested my hands on his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat beneath my fingers. I forced a smile. "Don't worry Valek. I'm still armed so I could have found a way to be dead by now if I really tried."

He drew me away to assess me gravely. How much longer before he'd pull away completely? I imagined how drab and listless I must have appeared to him.

I laughed and it came out as pained in spite of my effort. "I'm sorry. That wasn't funny. But really. I'm fine."

His expression never softened. "People don't often joke about suicide, Yelena. And certainly not as often as you have been doing it. Paired with what has happened…" His eyes widened briefly in sudden realization.

Valek cleared his face of emotion and turned back to me. "Please answer me honestly. Are you thinking about killing yourself?"

It seemed contradictory. But something within me relaxed, like a muscle I've held tense for far too long. When I answered him, I felt detached, as if we were discussing a bad sprain from a random training match. "Yes."

"What's the long answer?" Valek continued to watch me. I marveled at how composed he remained.

"It has been on my mind. But I'm not planning anything. I barely have enough energy to get dressed in the mornings now."

His shoulders relaxed slightly but his intense gaze never faltered. "What does it look like in your mind?"

"I wouldn't mind if I suddenly died right now. I stopped checking my food and drink for poison at some point. And there have been nights when I've left my door and windows unlocked." After being mute on the subject for so long, I never expected being able to describe it all so perfectly.

"How often do you think about dying?"

"It comes and goes. Mostly I just wish I never existed. I wish I could just disappear without leaving a dead body, or even a memory. It would be too much of a burden."

He never flinched. He held my injured hand with great care. "You're not a burden, Yelena. I only wish I could have helped you sooner."

"…I still need help."

Help. When I asked for it the blindfold was somehow lifted away. I suddenly saw the water I was drowning in and the storm that made my world freeze over. Even though I still couldn't pinpoint or even name it, I knew now that there was something beyond my own personal choosing condemning me to such pain.

"What can I do for you, love? What do you need?" Knowing that I had neither the proper tone of voice nor request to match the resolute in this offer was probably what finally brought me to open tears.

He sat next to me but I could only see how close he was to the open threshold exit of the infirmary.

I shook my head and rasped, "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."

I waited to see his frustration. Or, at the very best, the panic – his anxiety and his agony.

But he refused to show any of it. He was that generous. "Come back to my suite with me, Yelena. Let me be with you often from now on."

I looked at him. I couldn't bring myself to reply. But I forced a nod before the shudders became too much.

He held me as I sobbed into his chest. "I was wrong to have left you alone for so long. I am so sorry, love."

I shook my head when I was finally able to stop crying. "It was my choice to isolate myself."

"Then it was my choice to not offer you an alternative."

"Which is to put me in a place with a whole bunch of sharp objects…and poisons?"

His pained expression indicated that he was seriously reconsidering the idea and pouring over other options in his head.

"No, I'll be fine. I promise." I sighed. "Sorry. Black humor is the only thing I have right now. I'd talk about killing other people instead but, without your expertise, I doubt you'd be half as impressed."

That managed to entice a chuckle, dissolving the tension. "I always imagined I was supposed to be the morbid one, love."

"You kill people, I see dead people. There's actually not a whole lot of difference if you think about it."

"Like our reputations. Although people have been inclined to say you're the 'sweet and nice' one of us."

I laughed in spite of myself. "I've locked a soul into bone and brought back the dead twice. What's that even supposed to mean?"

"Good question." He leaned back on the bed next to me with a thoughtful expression. "It might have to do with the fact that, had our positions been switched, you might have handled this infinitely better than I have. You would have been more thorough. Waiting for you to come talk to me wasn't enough anymore, was it?"

"You were growing distant, even when you were helping me. But I know I was avoiding you as well."

Valek sighed, "I worried that I wasn't careful enough and had tipped the scales of our relationship. You might have never wanted my forward assistance. But I was compelling you to accept it anyways. And that's why you felt…obligated… that night. Being avoided after that convinced me I needed to step away and wait for you to come to me; to actually help you find your autonomy again."

"We were at cross purposes then." Was all I could say at first. "I felt obligated because things became so…distant…between us. I wanted to make things better because we were seldom together and barely speaking. But it didn't feel right to ask you to stay after asking you to leave so many times."

"And my lashing out at you only made things worse, didn't it?"

I shrugged. "In the grand scheme of things? I can't say there was too much of a difference. But you had the right to be angry with how I treated you. It wasn't fair for me to vilify you that way because I was frustrated. Forgive me?"

"If you'll forgive me." The corner of his mouth turned up wryly. "All that talk about your avoidance when I stopped talking to you too. I shouldn't have assumed so many things. It must have been hard to have had to suppress so much."

One of which hung at the front of my mind. "I was worried I wouldn't be good enough for you anymore."

"You told me you felt dependent on me. We never finished our last conversation. Why do you still insist this is your fault?"

"I just wanted to feel in control again. If it was my fault, then I never lost it. I could have done something about all of this."

"Lying to yourself can only take you so far, love. And there is always a price that will leave you with far less than what you started out with."

"Then what am I supposed to do? I feel so helpless."
"By realizing that you are." Valek said simply. "By realizing that you couldn't have prevented any of this anymore than I could have prevented the King's men from murdering my brothers. And of course, realizing that it doesn't always have to be this way." He caught me glancing down at the bandages.

My tears were wiped away and his hand lingered in my hair at the base of my neck. "You don't have to stop at once. Granted, you will have to stop completely at some point. But for now, it might be necessary to hold onto it to tide you through and keep you alive."

I nodded shakily as he pulled me up. "You're brave for admitting all of this, Yelena. And you're incredibly strong just to survive until now. I intend to properly help you this time, love. And, no matter how long it takes, needing it will never make you weak."

We went back to my guest suite to collect my belongings before going to his.

It was midafternoon, judging by the bright light that came in through the striped windows in the living area. Valek strolled over to his desk and set the dossier down on a heap of maps.

Somehow, the clutter reminded me of how empty and devoid of communion the suite was. The exposed papers and personal articles provided an unceremonious reminder that this was not a place that ever cared to properly entertain guests. Its presence was nothing short of intimate.

He closed the door of one of the spare rooms and walked back towards me.

There was never anyone else. It came up at one point when we were finally able to be together without imminent danger hanging over us.

I just never looked, he said thoughtfully as he gazed off into the fire. Between revenge and the establishing of a new order, I always had far more pressing things to think about. He turned his blue eyes back to me. But then one day, a food taster caused enough trouble so that I had to provide her a room in my own personal suite. It never occurred to me what I risked because I couldn't even fathom caring for anyone at that point.

But I made you look, I teased him. And then you couldn't stop.

He playfully kissed me in retaliation. It seemed so obvious in hindsight what would happen, love. I couldn't bear the thought of you leaving even when your life was no longer in any immediate danger. It was too late.

And I never would have wanted to leave, I pressed closer to him. I never felt safer and less alone anywhere else.

Valek stopped in front of me, bringing me back to the present. "It'll take some time for one of those rooms to be cleaned, love. So take my bed for tonight."

So compassionate, so generous, and so unrelentingly loyal. Not just safe - that only made me dare to look; but it wasn't enough.

I never felt stronger anywhere else. It was enough and it made me dare to love.

I felt a smile grow. Not a false one or a rueful alternative. He tilted his head but never spoke, lest he break the spell. So patient. "Stay with me."

This time when there were nightmares, I was no longer alone. I was enveloped in warm arms against the cold. A reassuring voice drowned Reyad's hideous sneers.

Sorry for the delay!

Reader: As always, THANK YOU for your compliments. In addition to your reviews, the greatest one of them all, as I've said, is that you've followed the story up until now. I only hope that it will continue to hold your interest as we march toward the end. :)