"A member from ProjectHousewives secured a position as a mechanic for Ganon's building, where most of his operations run, which includes meetings with sales representatives with companies Ganon takes an interest in. Special thanks to Midna, who pulled consecutive all-nighters to push our company to the top of his list," Kafei announces, and pauses so that we can all offer a round of applause to the groggy looking Twili sitting cross legged in her seat beside Ghirahim. Mine are far from enthusiastic. Zelda's on the other hand are, much to my chagrin. Kafei continues, "Our Gerudo is a senior member, so doing a routine wiring check -A.K.A. giving us access - goes unquestioned. We have video and audio feed directly into Ganon's office, which we can use until Ganon's hired electricians re-wire the building next month."
Tingle double checks the connections leading up to the monitor on the ceiling. Nodding with a satisfied grunt, he rolls his chair back and motions for Kafei to turn on the monitor.
The screen awakens with a buzz, and onscreen pops a off-angle view of what is, presumably Ganon's oversized desk and mismatched comfy chair. The glare from the grand window overlooking a row of file cabinets casts a horrendous view from the security camera. Midna looks like she's about to comment, though she does what I would never expect of her and remains quiet.
"While Link pitches for us, we're going to use a wireless transmitter he left at the entrance to try to intercept the accounts his secretaries manages through a different banking system," Kafei informs Midna, who acknowledges him with a nod.
"And if he says yes to Link's offer," Midna speculates, " we'll have access to his offshore accounts, which is where we hit the goldmine."
Ghirahim taps a number into his phone and waits, cocking a hip to the side. "Hello, ladies? Are we clear for audio? Fabulous!" He terminates the call and beams at Zelda, "Our Housewife is clearing out some old bugs, but we should have sound by the time Link makes it up to Ganon's office."
Zelda frantically taps her fingers against the cheap table in the middle of the board room. Her eyes flick from the monitor, to Tingle fiddling with the audio. I wrap my arm around her shoulders so that she can lean into me. "Oh my gods!" she whispers, "I can't breathe, Impa!"
I haven't any idea what to say right now. My nerves are like jumping fish, and whenever I try to form words, something like, "What the fuck are we doing?" threatens to come out instead of anything remotely helpful.
"Hey there guys," A woman's voice breaks over the sound system. "This is Housewife number four. There are some really interesting programs written into the sound system, it's getting really difficult to bypass."
"Get it on now!" Tingle hollers, pointing frantically at the monitor.
Midna shreiks. Her voice is soon drowned out by Ghirahim's scream.
"Damndamndamndamndamndamndamn!" Kafei mutters under his breath, immediately syncing to the transmitter. While he taps away at the computer, Zelda's fingers are a vice on my arm.
"Ow," I accidentally murmur. She releases me.
"Sorry!" she says, running to sit in front of the monitor, where Link is prancing like a pony into the office behind Ganon.
Ganon's hulking form bulges in his business suit, which looks like it's about to rip as he drops into the comfy seat, offering one of the stiff leather ones across the expanse of desk to Link. Instead of sitting, the young blonde leans across the table and pats the top of Gannon's orange topped head.
"What the fuck are they doing?" Ghirahim blurts.
"Trying to concentrate over here!" Kafei grunts.
Midna peers at the screen, "It appears to be...origami."
"It's kirigami," I correct, "They're using his scissors."
The twili shrugs, asking "How often do you use your scissors?" and I somehow manage to refrain from smacking her.
I direct my attention to Zelda, whose jaw is dropped. Even in the dim light I can see her face paling.
"OKAY, GUYS" The Gerudo on the audio system's voice ear-splittingly booms overhead, startling Tingle and making my ears want to bleed.
"The fuck!" Ghirhim screams beside Midna's head. Midna's face scrunches into a nightmare inducing snarl, and she claps her hands over her ears.
"SORRY! STILL, BUGGY!"
"Okay, this is too stressful for me. I'm shutting the audio off," Tingle mutters, crawling underneath a counter and fiddling with some wires.
"You will do no such thing!" Zelda snaps arm whipping out, and grasping the back of Tingle's onsie, pulling him back like a dog on a collar.
I retreat to the corner, chewing on my lip. Tingle curls into a ball on the floor while Kafei's tapping becomes more aggravated and frantic.
"What are they doing now? The chicken dance?" Kafei momentarily glances up from his code-filled screen to gawk at the monitor. "Ho-ly shits...what the hell did I sign up for? This is madness! Absolute madness. We are all going to go to jail, and our families are going to starve!"
"Get back on that computer, crazy!" Ghirahim instructs Kafei, smacking him on the back of the head.
"You know what?" Kafei rises from his seat. "I am done with you, and your," the Sheikah mimes ballet poses at the white haired man, "shenanigans!"
Ghirahim rushes to Kafei's computer and clumsily sits down at the keyboard. "I have no idea what I'm doing!"he shouts, pecking at a random key.
"No!" Zelda snaps, and she rushes over, booting Ghirahim off the chair, "Let me do this! Go watch the monitor."
I haven't realized that I am literally pulling my hair out. I feel like running a mile and then dunking my head into a bucket of ice. I steal a look over at Midna to see what state she's in.
Midna sits, ramrod straight, staring daggers at the monitor. With her left hand she begins cracking her knuckles one by one with her thumb. I exchange a glance with her, and realize that she's just as frazzled as I am, and oh my gods, what the fuck are we even doing?
We watch Link and Ganon go through a series of yoga poses. Gannon is much clumsier than is Link, and far less flexible. Midna makes a lewd comment regarding how far the blonde's legs can stretch, but no one is paying attention.
At long last, the two sit down again. I feel a horrible sensation simmering in my stomach, like a fusion of nausea and terror, seeing Link's head bowed submissively while Ganon speaks. Zelda's fingers stop tapping at the keys, and she pulls away from the computer to stare remorsefully up at the monitor.
"Hey guys!" The Gerudo's voice crackles overhead, "We're all set to go, feeding audio in 3...2...1…!"
There is a collective flinch in the dark board room as the sound switches over with a click. I hold my breath, feeling my hands go clammy with anticipation.
"Thank you, Link. I will inform Midna myself, given your -erm - impediment, that I will have the pleasure of doing business with her."
Link exits the spacious office, and we watch Ganon reach for a black, old style telephone with a cord on his desk. We listen, almost disconnected from reality in disbelief, as he asks for a direct line to Midna.
Muffled haunting music on high quality speakers murmurs into our room. Midna removes her cell phone from her purse. She puts one finger up, signalling for us to shut up, and waits for the third ring to pick it up.
"Midna of New Hylian Cybersecurity and Data Protection speaking," she says in a low, sultry voice, the name of our made up company rolling off her tongue in beautiful flowing syllables.
"Mindy!" The monitor yells, and the Twili rolls her eyes and recrosses her legs. "Since when have you been in the cyber sphere? I could have used you a couple months ago!"
"Not long, considering I just got here. The old CEO was a twit, as usual. I take this to mean you're interested in our services," she says, cutting to the chase.
He leans back in comfy chair, playing with his tie. "Well after having a...well, not quite a conversation, more like a session with your sui generis sales representative, I would be very interested in doing business with you."
"It's a deal then. I'll have a secretary send you all the necessary documents immediately. You'll be placed on our high priority list and be immediately placed number 1 on our queue for our help desk and customer service."
"How professional," he laughs, spinning around in his chair to take in the view from the window, "Unlike our last meeting."
I cringe, very disturbing pictures forming in my mind. By the looks on the faces of everyone else in the room, the same thought is circulating. Midna's eyes scratch the back of their sockets.
"I screw everyone, Ganon. Don't forget that."
He bellows, "Oh, don't I know it! You've got yourself a deal!"
AN: I think it goes without saying that this is a crack!fic