"The most important thing to remember about depression is this: you do not get the time back. It is not tacked on at the end of your life to make up for the disaster years. Whatever time is eaten by a depression is gone forever. The minutes that are ticking by as you experience the illness are minutes you will not know again."
― Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

~Janco/Ari~

Janco opened the door three days later and propped it open for Ari to walk in with the breakfast tray. As he did, they managed to hear a snippet of a lover's quarrel.

"You'd feel better if you eat something, love." Valek's soft but stern voice from upstairs carried easily through the silent suite.

They entered discreetly and shut the door behind them.

"I'm sorry. I just forgot to eat. I'll try to eat more today." Janco cringed at the sound of her voice: so resigned, so passive, so tired. He imagined her struggling just to get out of bed each day. He racked his mind for anything he could have said or done to put her over the edge. Saying out loud that she was getting worse…no…it had to be what he said days before that…about her avoiding everything. That must be it…on top of everything else he must have said and did throughout the months she's been here… Janco squirmed as he moved closer to the stairs, eying the landing. Was it even a good idea for him to be here right now?

"No don't be sorry….don't…" There was a sigh. "Do you want them here?"

There was a slight hesitation. "I'm feeling a bit better today, actually. I think I'll meet them downstairs." There were light footfalls as she made good on her decision.

Another murmur from behind her. His heart began to race as he went over to Ari in the living area.

Yelena stopped when they reached the ground. For a moment she merely froze, one hand on the end of the handrail; her head bowed. Valek reached carefully, leaning forward to encourage her. She covered her eyes with a hand, her fingers on her temples.

Several heartbeats later, Yelena raised her head again. She nodded to Valek and he stepped back with hesitance; watching intently lest she fall.

She settled on the couch quietly as Ari set the tray in front of her. Valek wordlessly checked the food for poison. He squeezed her hand and told her when he would return before standing.

When the door closed behind him, there was a small sigh and slump of her shoulders. Every part of her seemed to be exhausted from the recent exertion of moving from one end of the suite to another. Janco and Ari perched on the end table before her.

"How are you feeling?" Ari asked. Concern radiated from him at the sight of her small and thin frame. "Is there anything else we can get you?"

"Fine. And I have everything I need, thank you." She said shortly.

"You've been saying that for the last couple months. And now we know that's far from true."

She raised her eyes to look at him. "I'm sure you two have better things to do than to sit around and babysit me all day. There has got to be several greenies on the field right now that desperately need Janco to teach them a few lessons."

Janco laughed, "You're charming as hell but it really doesn't have the same effect without that Soulfinding hocus pocus."

"We really can't leave." Ari said, trying hard to not look at the white bandages on her hands.

"I mean it. I'm not killing myself on your watch. I would never do that to you."

But Janco's smile faded. His voice became uncharacteristically serious, "The fact that you mentioned that." He exchanged pained looks with Ari, "The fact that it crossed your mind," He swallowed, "is why we can't leave."

For the first time in ages, Yelena's gaze never wavered. "I'm not going to stop thinking about it just because you're hanging around me all the time. I can't control my thoughts right now. Or the way I feel."

"We know. We're just-"

"Worried. Scared. I know. Tell me what you want me to do. Tell me what I have to do to make you less anxious."

"You can start by putting food on your fork."

Yelena looked down at the fork and then at the parsley sitting atop the omelet before her eyes glazed over.

The Power Twins glanced at each other once before Ari called out her name. When she didn't reply, he tried again, waving a hand in front of her.

She started, shaking her head of the fog. "Sorry." She ate a modest portion of the side salad, her hand trembling slightly from the weight of the fork. "So did Edyta finally talk?"

Grateful for what appeared the most regal reprieve, Janco all but breathed a sigh of relief. "No. She's so determined we may have to keep her in there for the rest of the season at this rate."

Ari concurred, "Which means her boss has a very tangible means of keeping her quiet; possibly without even being in the country."

"There has to be other people in the network keeping each other accountable." Janco said. "And it looks like they're vacationing in MD-1 right now. We have to go figure out who they are and what exactly it is they're doing." He grimaced.

Her face fell at the mention of the district. She stopped eating.

"You're thinking about the incident with the captain aren't you?" Ari asked quietly.

There was a sharp outbreath.

"Don't do this to yourself." He continued. "It wasn't your fault."

"And they weren't even sure what happened based on the report." Janco added. "Even Kitivian didn't bother reading it through. He saw 'injured' and ran for the hills."

"I know. I was thinking about Dilana." She shook her head against another dissociation spell. "When do you leave?"

When they flashed each other a quick, anxious glance, she guessed enough.

"We wanted to make sure you were…stable…before we…" Janco stammered.

She made herself eat another bite before nodding at the lethal antiques that decorated the walls of the suite. "If Valek has no objection to me being in his suite alone for extended periods of time, I think I'm stable enough."

But before an argument could erupt, the door opened to admit another visitor. Maren walked in and smiled at Yelena.

"Oh good, you're eating." She sat next to her without hesitation and threw an arm around her thin shoulders. "You'll need your strength because we're going out today."

"We are?"

"The snow will melt soon. In the meantime, let's go for a walk. I haven't seen your face in months."

Yelena looked at the largely unfinished plate. "I'm really not up for it today."

Her friend made a sympathetic noise. "Didn't get a chance to sleep last night?"

"Not more so than usual. It's just…I might have to spend half the day just getting through this meal."

Maren only smiled and took her hand. "Alright. I'll come back tomorrow to see if you're feeling better."

A smile grew. "Thank you."

Maren stood and turned to Ari and Janco. "You two. Boss wants to see you. So be sure to head over as soon as you're done here with whatever it is you're doing." She left.

Yelena turned her attention to her food again. But Janco's never wavered from the space where the interaction took place.

They were the ones making it worse. He thought back to his early days of military training when his own impetuosity got him into more than his fair share of unauthorized matches. Once he made the mistake of going home first. The image of his mother intruded, where he could only see her all but pulling her grey hair out in inconsolable terror at the sight of him. No one tells you in "military school" that your body has a most effective way of comforting by numbing you from minor injuries, like a switchblade stabbed halfway into your side. It would have been fascinating.

They spent a quarter of an hour arguing over how much pain he was supposed to be in, let alone express. By the time they finally got around to seeing a medic, he no longer had to pretend to be in pain to satisfy his all-knowing mother.

Before Ari could say another word, Janco nudged him. "You heard the lady. Boss wants to see us. We should go."

Yelena looked up with a held breath as he stood. Janco leaned down and pressed a brotherly kiss to her forehead. "If you need us, we'll be here when we get back. We're leaving tomorrow."

If Ari was baffled by the sudden change in behavior, he had been on enough covert operations to know when it was wise to make no indication of it. He hugged her fiercely. "Even if it's something as simple as bringing you a meal, don't hesitate to ask."

Yelena nodded, eyes growing misty with unshed tears. It was signal enough for them to leave immediately.

~Yelena~

I set the tray aside and tried to take pride in being able to get through an entire meal today. When did these small, insignificant acts ever take on such meaning for me?

I emerged from Valek's suite and didn't manage to make it far before colliding straight into the Commander himself.

There was brief surprise that was quickly wiped away. He nodded at me. "Liaison. I trust I will be hearing from you soon regarding the Season's Communication?"

It took me a moment to remember that we were in the start of the Freezing Season. I was supposed to be ready long before now.

"Yes." I said in a small voice.

He watched me intently. My heart caught in my throat and I felt myself morph back into a measly food taster again. "I have an opening in my schedule at two in the afternoon tomorrow. Be sure to arrive promptly."

A wave of nausea swept over me. "Yes, sir."

He nodded again and walked away.

I turned several corners and stumbled heavily against the wall; unable to control the rapid, shallow breaths again.

I had avoided thinking about it all week because I couldn't bear to. Now I had no choice. There was no way to turn back the clock and pull everything together.

I hadn't realized I had wandered to the bath house again in my haze. I froze before I could take another step closer.

I shut my eyes.

No. Distract yourself. Take a walk. The sewing room is nearby. Go see Dilana.

I hovered outside the door and watched as Dilana bustled across the room. She had clipped her brown curls away from her face and was preparing to work before she glanced up and saw me. "Yelena!"

I walked in with small steps and a racing heart. A part of me wished there was simple and obvious revulsion.

She grinned as she gestured to the seat next to her. When I took it, she handed me a box with a glass lid. Needles of assorted sizes and lengths were lined next to a plainer selection of red, white, and black spools. "Thread needles for me?"

My heart eased at her warmth.

"You haven't been here in ages. Where have you been?"

"I'm not sure." I threaded a needle with black thread and handed it to her. "I haven't been myself."

"You poor dear. Things must have been so difficult for you." She took the needle and picked up a pair of pants with a gaping hole in its leg. "How are you feeling now?"

I shrugged. "Not much has changed. I feel numb."

"The worst part is losing track of time, isn't it?"

There was a pause as she tugged at the thread. I stabbed the needle absently into the spool. "Yes. I feel like I've been like this for years."

Dilana smiled sympathetically. "Make sure you're crying as much as possible and drinking plenty of water to make up for that."

I glanced up at her, deciding whether I had heard her right.

But she only set the pants aside and picked up a red sash. "When I lost Rand, they told me not to cry. They also told me to chin up and go on with life like nothing's amiss."

I threaded the needle and handed it to her.

"It didn't work. I felt worse and bereavement took so much longer than it should have."

"Because it was just too overwhelming." I finished as I handed her the pair of scissors when she reached for it.

Dilana smiled ruefully. "I lost the man I was going to marry and grow old with, Yelena. That's not something one simply forgets about. What they told me to do is like having an ugly tear in a dress and putting a broach over it. It'll look fine the first couple times you wear it and people won't be able to tell the difference – which is what they want. Eventually that hole will get larger until the largest broach won't be able to do a thing for it anymore. Then you have no choice but to go back and… address… the issue." She giggled briefly at her own pun before turning serious once more. "But by then the tear would be so much bigger than it should have been and there's an even greater chance you won't ever be able to fix the dress."

"Looks like you need to get out of the sewing room more, Dilana. Pretty soon you'll be talking about lunch in terms of yarn and crocheting." I teased.

Dilana tightened the stitch as she laughed. But our eyes met again and she became grave. "At first it seemed like they were just expressing their good intentions and concern for my welfare. After all, we never like seeing the people we love suffering. But then you realize that…" She considered her words as she cut the line. "It just became about them. Everyone's so anxious and scared because of you. And so the only honorable thing you can do is to hide what you're feeling so they can feel better. You weren't here, Yelena. But there was a horrible backlog of mending for the Cold Season because of me. The Commander even got to thinking I was taking after Rand out of spite; pulling sabotage to avoid working for him when he began seeing his advisers having to hold onto their waistlines to keep them from slipping!"

I couldn't stifle a giggle over the image. "But it looks like you two smoothed that out since you're still here." I threaded another needle for her in a different color. "Then again, your uncanny ability to sew lock picks discreetly into night clothes are indispensable."

"Oh you won't believe it. The Commander actually marched all the way down here to demand I explain myself." She found a spare button and positioned it on the shirt but had an impossible time shaking in her laughter. "We ended up commiserating over the loss of our beloved cook. He even apologized for the extra work that must have been from the sudden loss of those delicious cinnamon circle pastries."

We laughed heartily for several seconds longer before she sobered. "What I'm telling you is you need to address this, Yelena. The most important first step to healing is admitting there's a wound. Then realizing that whatever it is you have to do - to clean and treat it - to make that feeling go away is simply necessary. And that it never makes you weak to be affected by what's happened to you."

I nodded. "I'll try to remember that."

Dilana looked at me quizzically. "I have a feeling you wanted to tell me something else before I started blathering away."

"Ari and Janco are heading over to MD-1 tomorrow. Captain Annie…we never really confirmed what happened."

She set the garment aside and stood abruptly. I watched as she retreated to the back room and came back out a minute later with an envelope.

Dilana bit her lip and held the parcel tightly against her chest. With a short breath, she walked up to me and surrendered the message. "When I was going to send this…it happened. I didn't have the courage to send it anyways and face the possibility of it being… returned to me."

I took it gravely. "And you want Ari and Janco to deliver it? And to report back to you with updated information?"

She laughed shortly. "Yes. And if it's the worst…I don't want this letter back." She fidgeted as she sat back down. "This was probably necessary anyways. You see, Annie is not a big fan of them. This might soften the blow of them showing up uninvited."

I recalled the events she was alluding to with a small grimace. Dilana smiled ruefully and nodded. "She's not known for being very gracious either. One of the reasons why she admired you so much."

Not wanting to wake Valek, I refrained from lighting beyond the few lanterns on the end table and huddled on the couch. I pulled my knees up and scrawled a note to enclose with Dilana's letter.

But when I got to my notes, I couldn't get far before I felt my eyes brim. Heavy splatters on the paper soon followed.

I wiped the tears away rapidly but it was no use. It was like trying to build a dam with a piece of driftwood. "Not again." I only had time to set the dossier aside before I collapsed into a heap of sobs.

Helpless as I felt, something about crying this time was easier. The guilt wasn't there as it always was and I found myself able to focus on the cathartic sensation. I thought of the childhood that was robbed from me. The pain. The abuse. The time wasted in the darkness for the past two seasons.

When I regained my bearings, it was somehow brighter in the suite. Through blurred vision, I could see Valek quietly lighting more lanterns around the living area. He snuffed out the match and took a seat next to me.

"That should make things less frustrating." He gently pressed a handkerchief into my hand and poured a glass of water. "There was a terrible candle shortage once; around the time when the Commander first took over. It had something to do with the wax having to be recalled in massive quantities – no doubt the work of the few who still resisted the change. Anyways, we should have been rejoicing at the shorter work days but the Commander doesn't exactly believe in 'unnecessary breaks' from productivity."

"The worst part was that he still expected overnight, burning-the-midnight-oil results from me." Valek made a sweeping gesture to the lanterns. "It was even darker than you had it. There was no moon and I crisped more than half of the report I was writing, working too close to the flame. I was completely ready to cry by then."

Still breathing hard, I wiped my blotched face with the handkerchief. "So what did you do?"

"Besides cry, you mean?" He shook his head at the memory. "By that point it was too late to steal any candles. I could barely even move around my suite." Valek glanced pointedly at the books and clutter strewn about.

The comical image of the very graceful and lethal assassin tripping over books and cursing over himself made me laugh.

His expression turned somber as he glanced at my work. "I realized the next day that the Commander was not one to punish failure. In spite of his own grueling, personal work ethic and everlasting fondness for meritocracy, he's nothing short of patient with what is beyond our control. He forgives shortcomings, love."

I set the notes aside with a relieved sigh.

"And we now have an entire locked storeroom dedicated to spare candles if you ever cared to know."

Valek's careless grin was infectious and I couldn't help but smile back. "I'm sorry I woke you."

He waved away my apology. "It's not your fault, love."

We spent time companionably talking about mundane things and at some point our hands interlaced on the couch.

Eventually, Valek stretched and declared he was going to bed. "You should get some rest too, love. I'll go with you tomorrow to your meeting with the Commander."

I nodded as he began to stand. Valek took a few steps and stopped, considering. Wordlessly he returned to where I was sitting, took my hands, and pressed a chaste, affectionate kiss on my cheek. "Good night."

But I pulled at his hands and asked him what I had been pondering for some time. "Why me? Even after all these years…even after this?"

Valek looked at me as if I had just asked him what color the sky was.

Still holding my hands, he sat back down next to me. For a moment, he considered his words. Then he began in a steady voice, "Several years ago, in a dungeon cell where your own life ended and began, you told me a story. You told me what had been done to you and what you had to survive. None of that changed what you meant to me. It made absolutely no difference in whether I loved you more or less."

He squeezed my hands and gazed at me with a rare intensity. "And to answer the first part of your question: I never could see any of that magic that's around you. But I know why I've always loved you, Yelena: Because we're so alike. We will both do whatever it takes to protect the ones we love – and that's the only thing that matters in this world; having the courage to remain constant and loyal whatever the circumstance. It was never clearer to me than when you inadvertently revealed months of careful planning just to defend my honor to a treasonous cook. And then a mere year later to a wannabe king."

I took a drink of water and sighed. "I'm never living any of this down."

Valek laughed, "Why should you? It was and still is one of your sweetest, most endearing habits."

I blushed.

"On top of it all, being a professional killer means you're bound to be quite unpopular aside from brief, fetish-fueled trysts: which, believe me are not as fun as they always make them out to be…the ideas they'd get…" He quirked a funny smile.

"You…?" Doubt laced my voice. It was hard imagining Valek wasting any time...especially in that way.

"I'm completely serious. Although to my credit, I was young and…it gets lonely. I really wish I didn't have to learn most of this the hard way though." He flushed.

We looked at one another briefly and fell into an uproarious bout of laughter.

Valek wiped tears from his eyes and smiled at me. "I knew no one else could fill the emptiness in my heart, love. You're brave enough to see all that I've done and all that I will do, for better or for worse, and continue to believe that I could still bring good into this world. And throughout the years, I've only grown more and more used to the idea of being with you. You're an odd, but good, habit I can simply never see myself giving up, Yelena."

We doused the lanterns together and went to bed.

His arms came around me beneath the covers and pulled me close. I felt his lips on my hair. "Never be afraid to cry, love. I'm here."

I turned my head into the pillow when the tears came. But I held onto his hands and there was no longer any restraint. Only sleep.

~Edyta~

The prisoner turned on the straw and cursed as another cold draft shot through the bars.

She curled into fetal position, shivering. "It's too small to see whether it's day or night but large enough for all these blasted gusts."

Always looking at the negative. It explains a great deal as to why you were never happy with any station of your life…

Edyta jerked sharply at the Jairus's presence. There was only a bemused vibe as he asked her how she ended up in her current dilemma.

You know how.

Yes. You decided to go after a Soulfinder. A potential Master Magician just wasn't good enough for you, was she?

She gaped.

Always focusing on the outer appearances. Devlen is different from you in this instance. He always knew how to see past the superficial for opportunity.

Familiar irritation brewed within her at the mention of Devlen. So did you just come here tonight to laugh at me?

No. To comfort you.

Not interested. She turned over.

You wanted a Soulfinder. And that is precisely what you will have.

What the hell are you going on about now? I had my chance before I got locked up.

You'll find you are exactly where you are supposed to be. For she will be coming to you.

Just going to put this out there but one thing I always liked about Valek is that he has a very nurturing and compassionate personality once we get to know him - which is why his biggest pet peeve is when people, like Yelena here, stubbornly try to handle everything on their own when it's clear they're in way over their heads. You always see it in the way that he never hesitates to offer help and to build vulnerable and disempowered people up without asking for anything in return (that mentor role he always glides so effortlessly into). And that's very refreshing to see in a male character – and in fiction in general (message me and we can have a long talk about gratuitous portrayals of violence and so called morally grey ethics in fiction lol!).

GhostAssassin1993: Thank you for your wonderful review! I'm so glad you were able to share what you've been through and I only hope I can do justice with such a portrayal.

Reader: I'm so glad you liked it! I hope you liked this chapter just as much. It will never stop amazing me how you managed to stay with this story for so long. It just makes me so happy as an author!

Unknown: Thank you!