Doc code 1278803-4576b

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Entry 15-

I do not know if I can follow through with this. The very idea of facing my former friends terrifies me. I know that it will not technically be I that faces them, but I am thoroughly frightened of what I may learn from this endeavor.

But I should explain. I have revised the neurological link by programming safeguards into the thought-pattern control used in my AMESS (Adaptive Myofybril Enhancing Skintight Suit). I have verified this by attempting friendly fire (upon someone wearing the force-field belt) and failing to kill my teammate (in this case, Arno). It is the only failure upon which I pride myself.

But there are many other failures that seem to haunt me daily, and these are the failures that lead me to critically evaluate myself and my competence in such an important position as 'hero'. I am not a hero. I am a villain. Try as I might, I cannot seem to change this self-perception. I do not know if I would be accepted and forgiven by the other legionnaires.

How can I expect them to accept and forgive me when I can neither accept nor forgive myself? Yet, if I were faced with irrefutable evidence I might be swayed to set aside my self-loathing long enough to attempt to rejoin my former friends and compatriots in the Legion of Super-Heroes.

It is this "irrefutable evidence" that Thaal will seek at my behest. Put simply, this is what I have told him to do:

a) Attend legion auditions in my stead.

b) Somehow gain knowledge of my current standing among my former fellow legionnaires. Am I despised? Missed? Respected? Feared?

c) Possibly be admitted to the Legion of Superheroes. This is unlikely, as he doesn't know martial arts or possess even level 10 intellect. (though technically not many do; I'm simply accustomed to that standard, being from Colu)

It is well known that Saturn Girl always mentally scans the people who attend Legion Auditions. Were I to attend, there is no way I would not be recognized. Also, considering the breakdown I had after facing a mere four members, it is hardly a good idea to put me in an enclosed room with a decent number of them.

Thaal will be attending Legion Auditions under an assumed identity that I have provided him. Saturn Girl does not probe attendees for specifics. She will sense he is hiding something, but that he has good intentions and does not mean the Legion any harm. She will sense his excitement and nervousness. All of these are normal to note in a Legion applicant.

He will determine for me whether or not rejoining the Legion is a viable option. After that, it will be up to me to determine how best to reconnect and put forward my application. Thaal will be attending Legion trials under the pseudonym Syll Xinn, from the Rim World human colony Sklarr. His hero name will be 'Gadget'.

I will be observing and give him instructions through a hidden microphone. He will wear the uniform I have created for myself and will not break anything or misuse any of my equipment under threat of death or dismemberment.

I do not know if I am anxious due to hopeful anticipation or sheer dread, but I cannot bring myself to sleep tonight.

"Gadget" auditions tomorrow.

The morning cannot come soon enough.

A/N: First of all, I am SO SORRY for not updating. I feel like this is a recurring theme with me. The story will be finished one day, I'm just really bad at consistency. :(

On another note, I've been trawling comic databases for planets in the UP that do not have an associated legionnaire (which for most means they have no page on the DC wikia), in order to make use of actual planets in the UP but tailor them to my purposes. So yes, Sklarr is a planet in the UP. I don't know what it's like or where it's located, so I'm just faking it. Anyway. Just thought you should know I spent a good twenty minutes trawling through planets to find a suitable one. (there are a lot of legionnaires from a lot of planets where their abilities are innate and I couldn't have that. I considered Winath, but it's known for twins and Thaal has no twin so...)

also. I do have more chapters. I should be updating a bit sooner this time. (famous last words...)