Sickening, weakening

Don't let another somber pariah consume your soul

You need strengthening, toughening

It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you

Ignite the fire within you

- The Light, Disturbed

Reapers… Dark… Light… Cerberus… Being…

The words echoed from a far distant corner of her mind… muddled… thick… sluggish… as if they were drugged… Drugged… Her head was heavy, and it pounded something fierce… And yet, she was somewhere warm… comforting.

Slowly, Shepard forced her eyes to open, and when she did, she could almost hear them scratching around in her skull… Dry… like bits of old paper rubbing against each other.

Allowing everything to adjust and come into focus, she scanned the room. It was of fairly decent size. Sterile white walls and ceiling stared back at her with no interest. A matching curtain hung beside her bed, pushed back on its rungs to reveal the window that lay beyond. All she could see from the window were grey, dreary skies, and rain as it splattered against the glass. She was once again in a hospital…

God, did it ever end?

For the briefest of moments she panicked, thinking she was back with Cerberus. But just as she began to search wildly around, she felt a huge and hulking form beside her.

She turned her head to the right, and blinking through the haze of painkillers, she realized it was Garrus… his large frame was curled up next to her, half his body hanging off the edge of the bed. One hand rested gently on her thigh, as the other was stuck behind the pillow her head leaned against. Relief washed over her as she awkwardly maneuvered her way closer to him. She went to reach across her body to hold his hand, but when nothing happened, she remembered her left arm was dead.

Glancing at him to make sure he was still fast a sleep, she smiled. Sure enough, he was, breathing heavily and looking absurdly uncomfortable.

She threw the sheet off her body and made to sit up, but what she saw next, sent what little contents her stomach held spewing out onto the floor.

Dark…

She felt Garrus bolt up behind her.

"Shepard?" he asked in a low tone, placing a hand lightly on her back.

She quaked as a dry heave made her convulse once more. When the episode subsided, she wiped her mouth with the back of her shaking hand. Her voice cracked when she spoke, threatening to break completely, "My arm, Garrus…"

Light…

He sighed wearily and moved to her side.

"We had to…" he trailed off.

"You let them take my arm?" Shepard croaked. He grabbed hold of her remaining hand, entwining his fingers around hers.

"The doctors…," he choked, seeing the confusion and sadness upon her face. "There was nothing they could do to save it… It was so badly damaged, even your nanites couldn't repair it…"

She gazed solemnly into her lap for a long while, at the hospital gown, to her bandaged legs with barely her toes poking out, and to the floor at the mess she had just vomited up.

"Your nanites… they replaced them with state of the art new ones...," when she didn't immediately respond, Garrus continued. "The ones you got from Cerberus and the Lazarus Project tried to kill you…"

"Of course they did," Shepard muttered despondently. Garrus shook his head, "No, they had a negative reaction with the meds the doctors were pumping you with… it was unintentional, I think…"

She was still trying to wrap her mind around everything that had happened. Memories came and went like small tendrils of smoke in an open field. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Garrus asked almost hesitantly, "Do you remember what happened last night?"

"What happened last…?" her voice quavering as she recalled. "Oh…" She tried to supress the image the incident had left in her mind's eye, but to no avail.

"I woke up… screaming… drenched in sweat… Thinking I was once again back with Cerberus… I didn't even see Chakwas standing there… just the orderly… and something…," she gulped, dredging up what she had done in stark horror. "Something snapped… inside of me… I... I almost killed that nurse!"

She leaned her head against his cowl and pulled her hand from his grip. Covering her eyes, she started to weep. Garrus didn't press the issue further. Instead he held her and pulled her in close, burying his face in the curve of her neck.

Death…

How was this even possible? How was she still alive? Not once, but twice now… three if you included the gunshot to the gut back on the Normandy… This wasn't suppose to happen… She went into the Crucible fully expecting to not come out. She had been prepared. Her mind made up… She had not anticipated to be sitting here with Garrus… bent, broken… and emotionally beaten down.

Her tears were flowing more freely now. Why was she still alive when so many had sacrificed themselves? This isn't what she deserved… She should have been there for every single person, or should have burned with them.

Being…

It was her fault that Jenkins died on Eden Prime… She had been too careless, too inexperienced.

Her fault that Ash was gone. She shouldn't have left her on Virmire. There could have been other ways. They could have let Saren escape that day… he did anyway though.

Nearly the entire batarian race was wiped out because of her… throwing an asteroid at a Mass Relay… The Reapers had to be stopped, didn't they? But that only delayed them.

Mordin… Thane… Anderson… Legion… the Geth… And how many countless others… All dead because of her. Because they would have followed her in the gaping maw of hell… Because they did follow her… All senselessly gone because they had seen her as a hero, as the only one in this whole damn wide universe who was strong enough, brave enough, foolish enough to bear that weight upon her shoulders.

Her sobs turned to hiccups, and she heard Garrus begin to growl. Not a violent or threatening growl, but more of a rumble… soothing, comforting, reassuring… his subharmonics resonated deep within her as he rocked her gently in his arms. It was almost as if he was humming, low and soft. And in that moment, she found it to be the most beautiful sound in the galaxy. Her hiccups turned to a whimper. As she continued to listen, closing her eyes, a calm washed over her.

"I know what you're going through, Shepard," Garrus said quietly.

She turned to face him and frowned through swollen and bloodshot eyes, anger and fury rising in her chest

"You have no fucking idea-" she began heatedly. Garrus pressed his forehead to hers, holding her hand in both of his.

"But I do," he said, foreheads still touching. She opened her mouth to argue but Garrus continued. "Omega, Shepard… Why did I survive when my men died needlessly?"

"I- I didn't think-"

"It's called guilt…,"

She could no longer meet his eyes, suddenly ashamed, and pulled away to stare out the window, into the greyness of the world.

Garrus took a deep breath, "You're thinking to yourself why did you survive this when so many didn't… why you?

Shepard nodded, still unconvinced. He snorted humorlessly, shrugging his shoulders, "I don't have an answer for you… Call it fate… destiny… Hell, call it luck, if you want… But I think you're just too damn stubborn. And you're allowed to feel that way, Shepard… In fact, if you didn't, then I'd think there was something seriously off… like another clone, or one of those horrid Shepard VIs."

She laughed in spite of herself, the corners of her lips turning upwards as she did.

"And if I know you, which I do fairly well, if I do say so myself," he said, his mandibles twitching into a slight grin. "And as much as I wish it was, this isn't over. Cerberus better be praying to whatever gods they hold close, because their time is almost up."

Letting out a sigh of relief, Shepard leaned her head against Garrus' shoulder.

"How is it that you always know exactly what to say?" she asked quietly.

"Because aside from being Archangel, a turian bad boy, and a Primarch… I am your boyfriend… it's my job."

"Primarch Vakarian…," she said. "I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around that."

Garrus stood and pressed the red assistance button on the wall beside the bed, saying, "We're not talking about that… Now, let's get someone in here to clear this mess cleaned up and get you settled back down… Because you're still in no position to do anything, and because I believe Liara might have a lead into this mess."

Shepard maneuvered her way back to her pillows and watched as he fussed over her sheets. She reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him toward her, causing him to pause and meet her eyes.

"I love you, Garrus," she said, beholding him, his slate gray eyes gazing back at her. "You've always, always had my six, and now you're the only thing keeping me tethered to reality… I have no idea how or why you put up with me, with my crazy ass life… But somehow… you do…"

"Shepard, in a thousand different galaxies, on thousands of worlds, and in an infinite number of lifetimes, in each one, I would find you, and I would choose you every single time," he then kissed her, the palm of his hand cupping her chin, as her heart thundered from her chest.

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