Doc code 1278803-4576b

-mindlink initiated-

Entry 22-

I wake up to see four people staring intently at me. I am hooked up to medical equipment. My heart rate, which used to be at a low resting rate, has since leaped much higher. I believe I should document the following minutes.

Rokk, Imra, Garth, and Brainiac are all staring at me. None of them are speaking.

I do not know what to say. I realize, thinking back, that I must have overdosed on a powerful sedative while panicking and attempting to remedy my panic with drugs. Unfortunately in my panicked state I administered enough drugs to calm me as a Coluan, a physiology which would have been much better equipped to handle the sedative. I could have died.

I should probably be frightened by how little I care, but I cannot bring myself to dwell on such a thing at this point. Garth shifts uncomfortably and glances at Imra. Apparently she has decided she will be the first to speak.

As anticipated, Imra moves closer to the bed. "Who are you?" she asks me.

I have all thought tracks functioning, but my near-death experience and sudden extreme mental exhaustion means that the presence of Brainiac has not reduced me to a quivering mass of panic, unlike the events of several hours previous. Additionally, it appears that my thought tracks had been busy mulling over what Brainiac must have said to be accepted into the legion. I can now remember the cover story I invented.

Obviously Brainiac lied in order to be here. I still do not know how he managed to trick Saturn girl. I can only hope that I will be able to do the same.

Imra is watching me closely. She truly believes that the impostor is not Brainiac, but me. She will be suspicious. More suspicious than she was when Brainiac came.

I begin to weave my lie as she watches me closely. "I am Querl Dox," I begin.

I am cut off by an obnoxious scoff from Garth, who apparently has nothing better to do than make disbelieving noises. Imra is nodding slowly, I do not see how any of them could dispute this, I have green skin and three white circles on my forehead, not a common sight to see among any biological organisms I have previously encountered. I am obviously Querl Dox.

"I am a clone," I continue. This is where lying becomes tricky to me. I have to believe I am telling the truth, and in a way, I am. My mother was artificially inseminated. In some ways, I may be more related to Vril Dox than my mother. Coluan breeding is a complicated affair, made infinitely more complicated by the Dox family line. I do not find myself in a state of mind where mulling over the details of Coluan reproduction would be enlightening or helpful. To put it succinctly, Vril Dox (Brainiac 2) was a clone of Vril Dox (the selfsame Brainiac who is currently impersonating me). Lyrl Dox, on the other hand, was not a clone. He was considered a mistake by the Coluan high council. (Then again, so far as I am aware, every Dox has been considered a mistake by the Coluan high council. Albeit very intelligent, profitable, and useful mistakes.) The DNA of my mother was a genetically altered version of Vril Dox II's DNA and that of an aristocratic Coluan family that had recently fallen into disfavor. I myself was a veritable mishmash of genetics, with most of my genetic structure relying on the genetic blueprints of Vril Dox II (who as you may remember was a clone of the original Vril Dox.) I was constructed and implanted within my mother in a frankly futile attempt by the Coluan high council to pacify Colu's leading scientist, Kajz Dox, and keep her on-planet. The attempt failed miserably. Rather than remaining on-planet, she recognized my birth as a chance to finally escape their clutches. My only memory of her consists of cool eyes gazing down at me and a face scrunching in frustration as she pushed me into the arms of the nearest orderly and departed. I have not seen her since.

But this is not what I was intending to discuss at all. Basically it all boils down to the idea that I am a modified clone of Vril Dox, and therefore it is not a complete lie to tell Imra that I am a clone of myself. I am a clone. Just not technically a clone of myself, but more a halfway-clone of Vril Dox. I find myself shuddering involuntarily. Just when I was hoping to rid myself of the memory of my ancestor… I had been trying so hard to escape my past, escape what was practically encoded within me from day one, and even having overcome my past I still find myself facing down my ancestor, unable to escape his influence over my life.

My eyes have found Brainiac. I have likely been staring, though only for about five seconds, so I believe this silence has yet to become "awkward". His eyes are cold, robotic. I wonder how anyone could have truly considered me a close friend when my eyes were so closed, mechanical… glowing. Burning. Inhuman. What had I been saying? I had just told Imra I was a clone. I have gazed at Brainiac with enough time for it to become sufficiently obvious why I am distressed. I turn back to Imra.

"I…I realize this now." The unspoken half of this sentence implies that I did not realize it before. Being observant, Imra should be able to pick up on my subtle hint.

Imra frowns. "What do you mean, now?" she asks me.

Brilliant. I believe there are times that I do not give my friends the credit they deserve for their discretion and observation. Imra in particular always seems to pick up on what is truly being said rather than taking words literally.

"I did not know I was…" my chest tightens. This is a reaction I do not have to lie through. "replaced." I finish, gazing down at my lap. "Then I realized." My gut clenches slightly. I do not understand why admitting this hurts so much, but it does.

Imra glances at Brainiac. Looks to me. Back to Brainiac. She is still confused by something, though I am not sure exactly what. But I should continue speaking, perhaps I will be able to discern based on her reactions exactly what is baffling her. It is time for my predictions regarding Brainiac's own cover story to make an appearance. I only hope I was able to predict the correct cover story that my ancestor put forward as his reason for possessing a cyborg body.

I turn to Brainiac. "You… could not control your emotions. They overwhelmed you. You needed to get rid of them. So you ran. Back to Colu. Though you'd sworn to never return."

Brainiac straightens up slightly. He now realizes that I have completely discerned what his story must be, how he convinced the Legionnaires that he was Brainiac 5. "I felt I had no other choice. I was emotional and irrational," Brainiac says, voice pitch-perfect and identical to my own in every sense. The intonation. The vocabulary. For a moment everything is terrifying again.

I have to reign in my emotions. This has to be true. Every word. Every feeling. "You told them to fix you. Give you back a robotic body."

"They said it could not be done," Brainiac says.

"They made you half-robot. Half human. It was good enough for you."

Brainiac nods slowly.

"But Colu did not want to let you go."

"Of course not. But they had no choice. Even suppressed, my emotions were too corrupting to their systems. I was half-computer. They couldn't have me speaking emotions into their hive mind."

"They let you leave. You didn't wonder why it was so easy?" I ask.

"My emotions would have corrupted their systems," Brainiac says, allowing just the right amount of confusion into his tone.

"They let you go because they had already downloaded your memories. And they'd taken your DNA." I stared at him. "You really thought they would just let a Dox walk away?"

"They let my mother leave," Brainiac says, still sounding slightly baffled.

"SHE WAS A PSYCHOPATH," I find myself shouting. "AND THEY HAD FOUND ANOTHER DOX TO TAKE HER PLACE."

I did not realize that my mother was a sore subject. I suppose I shall consider this later, when the opportunity presents itself. Not now.

I take a deep breath, attempting to calm myself. "Of course they would let her go. But you… you were such a powerful mind. And the opportunity to hold onto you in a form that could not corrode their hive mind… did you think they would be able to resist that temptation?"

Imra gasped suddenly, hands flying to her mouth. She understands, I think.

I had been treating everything I said as an experiment, some sort of analysis of a possible reality. It was the only way to have it ring true in my head. I did not actually believe it about myself, but I believed it was possible, and so I focused on my belief, relying on that to make her believe me. And it appears she does believe this.

"They cloned you, Brainy," she says, laying a hand on his shoulder.

The sight sickens me. I don't want to watch her touch him.

She lets go suddenly, sensing my displeasure. Turning to me, she asks, "What's wrong?"

"They downloaded his memories. They cloned him. They accelerated the growth process. Then they re-planted the memories in my mind, hoping I would believe myself to be Querl Dox."

Imra nods, encouraging me to go on with her eyes.

"It worked too well. I… I was desperate to come back to the legion. To redeem myself. But I did not know how. I crashed the hive mind skynet three weeks after I awoke as Querl Dox. I escaped. I visited a rim world, building confidence and seeking myself."

Imra continues to nod as I speak. I hope she can sense the truth to my tale.

"I finally thought I was ready to rejoin the Legion, but I was afraid… afraid you would all hate me," I confess, my gaze turning once more to my hands, twisting and churning in my lap.

Imra and Rokk make sympathetic noises. Garth settles for asking me if I am crazy. "You're awesome!" he assures me.

"So I decided to attend Legion auditions. That's when I saw…" I point at Brainiac, "him."

Imra and Rokk exchange glances. I believe they understand now.

"That's why you broke in?" Imra asked. "because you were afraid he was an impostor?"

"When I saw he had my DNA… I…panicked," I admit. "I was not thinking clearly."

"Yeah, we noticed that when you tried to commit suicide," Garth mutters irritably.

"It was an accident," I say rather harshly. I am not feeling charitable enough to allow Garth his attitude. "I was operating on instinct and wanted to dull my senses to prevent a panic attack. I accidentally dosed myself as a cybernetic coluan rather than as a fully biological coluan. My system couldn't handle the sedative."

Sprocking grife, Brainiac is staring at me as if I am some sort of pathetic waste of his time and attention. I do not appreciate the attention you biomechanical monster. Stop looking at me like that. Emotions do not make me weak and it was a lapse of judgment not a loss of intellect that caused this problem stop talking at me with that cold stare do I look interested no I do not stop staring right now.

Imra turns and glances at Brainiac. "Brainy, you're making him uncomfortable."

"Understandable," Brainiac says, shifting slightly, eyes flicking between myself and Imra. "We are both Querl Dox. I myself admit to being rather…shaken… by this development." His eyes seem to soften, his face turns to her. He looks…frightened, distraught. The emotions are subtle, but there. Is this how I used to look? A cold mechanical collection of parts struggling to put human emotions onto a face designed for emptiness?

Garth and Rokk seem at a loss.

"Well, we're sprocked," Garth finally says, seeming to sum up all of our thoughts in that phrase.

Imra glances at him in warning. "Language," she chides.

Garth rolls his eyes. "Whatever. Look, ah…" he glaces at me. His face hardens. Softens. Twists. He is struggling to find a word.

I am not the true Brainy. He does not see me as "the real one". I am a copy, an imitation.

To the Legion, I am the impostor.

"Querl," Rokk supplies, moving closer to the biobed, "do you… have anywhere to stay?"

I do not know how to answer that. I do. Technically. But I… I want to come home. How can I say this? How can I put that into words when I am so frightened of rejection? What if they say no? They already have one Brainy, why do they need another?

Imra steps forward. Lays a hand on my shoulder. She understands some of what is going on in my head. I do not think she is prying. She knows I could push her out. I have always had incredible understanding of my mind. I have always been able to hide things from her. Brainiac was able to hide from her. We are both… better. Better than others. Better than Titanians. We are always better. So why does it hurt to realize this? Is it because I fear I have more in common with my psychopath mother, my psychopath ancestor, than with truly caring, loving, and compassionate people? Likely.

Rokk has taken Imra's touch of support as an answer in the negative to his question. His face has grown thoughtful. He turns to Brainiac. "This has got to be weird for you," he comments.

"Well. I did ask for my emotions to be suppressed, but yes, I admit to feeling a distinct sense of unease and general displeasure at this turn of events." Brainiac glances at me, a look of concern touching his features. "Not that I blame you." He frowns. "Myself. My clone."

For not the first time I am reminded that technically clones do not have rights under the scientific conventions of the United Planets. What have I done? He could attempt to kill me and I would not even be allowed to press charges. For the first time in my life I truly understand what it feels like to be considered less than human despite my obviously biological structure. It was one thing to be hated for being a Coluan. But…to be not despised, but rather to be seen as worthless, having less value than the "original", being a "copy", something fake, phony… it hurts.

Perhaps when this is all over I will lobby for clone rights. I had no idea it could hurt this much to be seen as less than the "original" simply because I came second. I have the same memories, mannerisms, everything. But because they were "reunited" with him first, I am seen as the extra. The unneeded. Superfluous. Unwanted.

"Rokk, he wants to stay here," Imra says, glancing at him with a question in her eyes. "Should we vote… again?"

Garth splutters as though something has momentarily obstructed his windpipe. "You mean you want the entire Legion to vote on whether or not to re-induct a second Brainy?"

"Imra, I don't think we can do that," Rokk says. "He's not…" he glances at me. "He doesn't have any powers."

HE DID NOT. HE WOULD NOT BE SO STUPID. Almost involuntarily I find myself sitting straight up, fists clenched. BUT HE IS THAT STUPID. SPROCK YOU, ROKK. SPROCK YOU. Fortunately, I do not say this aloud, but I quickly realize that this means I am spluttering unintelligible gibberish. It is not that I have no words, it is simply that I am too angry to verbalize them properly. I should settle for something simpler. A single word. "Pardon?" I finally manage. A seething fury is bubbling through my veins and it takes all my power to not leap from my biobed and strangle the idiotic Braalian.

Rokk is looking at me with a thoroughly nauseating combination of pity and patronization. Imra is gazing at Rokk as though he has gone insane. Garth is glancing back and forth between myself and the Braalian as though he is unsure as to whether he should add something to the conversation or sit back and enjoy the impending blowout. Brainiac is, of course, observing quietly.

"Rokk," Imra says softly. "He's a Dox. Of course he still has powers."

I settle for gesturing animatedly at Imra, glaring at Rokk. "Quod erat demonstrandum."

Rokk blinks. "Come again?"

"I think he means 'yeah, what she said,'" Garth supplies helpfully. "In some coluan dialect."

"Latin, actually," Brainiac says. "Literally translated, it means 'that which was to be demonstrated,' and is usually cited as Q-E-D at the end of a mathematical proof or philosophical argument in order to indicate the completion of the proof."

"So basically he said 'yeah what she said', only fancier," Garth says, shooting a disgruntled look at Brainaic.

"More accurately, he was implying that Imra's statement was all the proof required," Brainiac responds coolly.

"Proof of what?" Rokk asks, rubbing the side of his face, appearing frustrated.

"My status as a clone has absolutely no bearing on my twelfth level intellect, Rokk," I snarl – yes, snarl. I rarely find myself angry, but the insinuation that I am less than myself coupled with the accusation that I am useless and also unintelligent is almost physically painful and I find myself nearly unhinged at the weight of these revelations. "If you would kindly take a moment to remove your head from your rectum perhaps you would be able to recognize this fact," I continue. I am not sure why I am saying this, it seems like an enormously foolish thing to do, but I am angry and hurt and afraid and I don't know what to do, so I suppose this is what they call "lashing out". I am "lashing out" at Rokk.

"Did you just-?" Rokk demands angrily, taking a step forward as if to threaten me.

Garth intercepts him, slipping a large arm around one of Rokk's. "Whoa there buddy, I know we've had a rough day and all, but let's not get too worked up," he suggests.

Imra has her hand on his other arm, chiding him with a single disapproving "Rokk."

Rokk is sufficiently agitated that I do not believe either of them have completely calmed him. "Look…" he begins angrily, but cuts himself off, struggling to find a name for me. "…you," he finally decides, falling back on the tried-and-true second-person singular pronoun, "I don't know who you think you are, but this is sprocking serious business and I'm not convinced we can trust you so just sprocking keep your head or you're out of here!"

"Rokk!" Imra says, shocked.

"Sprock you, Rokk," I find myself shouting right back. "Sprock you, you sprocking nass." I angrily tug some of the medical observation equipment off of myself, wanting nothing more than to get out of the sprocking sickbay and forget any of this ever happened. "I have been sprocking scared and hurt and confused," my vision is blurring. Sprock. I swipe at my face with one hand, throwing the blankets aside with my other. "Grife! I didn't know who the sprock this nass-hole was," I gesture at Brainiac, "or what the sprock I was even doing here." I stand up, trying to ignore the pounding in my head and how dizzy rising made me. "Well fine. You can go back to doing whatever the sprock you were planning on doing today. I'll just go," I clench my fists and walk towards the door, desperately fighting back tears.

"Brainy, don't go!"

I freeze. In this moment I feel I could forgive Garth all the wrongs he has ever committed in his entire life, including the time he decided to booby-trap my laboratory with spray cheese and silly string. I feel a massive amount of tension slipping away as a strong hand comes to rest on my shoulder. "Hey," he says softly, gently, "don't cry."

I am crying, I realize. I don't know when it happened, but tears are running down my face and I must look a mess and suddenly Imra has her arms around me and she is cooing soft gentle words and patting my hair and I missed them so much, why is this so hard?

A small part of me hears Rokk apologizing and it's all right, I don't care, he was just being himself, Rokk is not easily fooled because of his suspicious nature and it would have been stranger to me had he not questioned my story. I feel like I can perhaps finally relax, my friends are still my friends and maybe I can find a way to make this work and

Ugh

My head sways suddenly as though the entire room is trying to make me dizzy and I must sit down but why is the bed moving?

I do not

...

Feel well

...

...

~end~

A/N: Well. Hope that was worth the wait. Probably the longest chapter I have written to date. Also the hardest chapter. Gosh it hut my soul.

Also, the swearing. I cannot believe all the futuristic swearing. And Brainy was just... ughhhhh I really loved this chapter but I'm almost afraid it's out of character. But. I think with all the stress brainy has gone through it's okay.

So.

Thoughts? Opinions? Irritations? The present tense bothering anyone? There was a rough sentence or two that I tried reworking like a million times and hated every time so I just gave up.

YAY LONG CHAPTER. Don't hold your breath, this was the last bit of pre-written material so I don't know when the next chapter will be coming. Hopefully soon. Though of course reviews always help. :)

Stay tuned~!