A/N: Yep. Longer periods of time between chapters has become my new normal.
Thanks as always to greenwool for the pre-read and to dandelionsunset for the beta work. Both of them have new chapters/stories up, and I encourage you all to go check them out.
Chapter 38—not honest.
"I don't know if I want another duty in my life right now, thanks." Peeta had stood there, feeling like she'd just slapped him.
All he'd really wanted was to give her a new bow and arrows as a birthday gift. Of course, the Everdeen Stubborn would never accept it, not if it was presented as a gift.
So he decided to get clever about it. He didn't have to really lie, exactly...he just exploited what other people wanted to do, anyway. Peeta knew Mr. Brown would get a real charge out of tricking the Capitol with the "rockers and spindles." Plus, he was delighted to get a portrait of his late wife. And Gale had been pretty open about wanting to have his bow and arrows in the woods by the tannery.
And it was true that Peeta wouldn't have time to go into the woods during the week once he took over the bakery. He was serious about wanting first crack at whatever game Katniss and Gale managed to haul out of the woods. Peeta had eaten more quality protein and vegetables in the last month than he'd had in his entire life. He was pretty sure that the sudden growth spurt he was experiencing was related to his improved diet.
By the time he'd moved all of the pieces into place and had the bows and arrows in hand, his only real worry had been that Katniss would somehow realize that this was just a cover for giving her a birthday present.
Instead, she'd made it clear that she resented it all, that she viewed it as just one more burden she'd have to endure.
It stung. Hadn't he done enough to earn her trust by now? Katniss, damn her stubborn pride, was just as suspicious of him as she was of everybody else.
The realization that she didn't trust him made him so upset he had to leave the woods before he lost his composure. He did hear Gale start to scold Katniss, which made him feel a bit vindicated, but he didn't linger to hear the entire conversation.
He took his game back home, and spent an hour tiredly plucking feathers and skinning hides. He'd been hoping—foolishly, as it turned out—for a nap. The twins were rarely asleep at the same time. Nobody in the house was getting enough rest.
Instead, he helped Nikki with chores and the twins. Nikki's sharp eye didn't miss much. "What's eatin' ya?" she asked him.
"Nothing."
"You don't have ta tell me," she scoffed, "but don't lie about it." Peeta bit back his reply. None of this was Nikki's faulty. Besides, she was even more sleep-deprived than he was. He helped her juggle the twins until it was time to get ready for that night's toasting.
A bath, a good dinner and a change of clothing did little to improve his mood. When Rye arrived, Peeta grabbed the new Five to Twelve sign and together they headed towards the Justice building.
"Well, you're in a happy mood, I see. What crawled up your hole?"
"Shut up," Peeta warned.
Rye glanced at his younger brother's face and backed off.
And then, as if the day wasn't shitty enough, he and Rye get to the Justice building to find that cockbag Peacekeeper drooling all over Katniss. Darius had even yelled after her in the hallway about kissing and all Katniss did was laugh! Peeta could hardly mention kissing (or anything else) without Katniss became nearly incoherent with embarrassment. But some dickweed from District Two wants to trade kisses for game and she thinks it's funny? Whatever.
The last insult of all was seeing her act like nothing was wrong—like she hadn't thrown his gift back into his face this morning; like he hadn't just caught her flirting with a Peacekeeper who was too fucking old for her anyway. Her compliment of his painting may have sounded sincere but Peeta only saw it as a weak attempt to mollify him.
As soon as the band started their soundcheck, Peeta left. He was damned if he was going to waste an evening watching everybody fall in love with her singing. He'd come back in time to walk her back to the Seam but that was it.
He wanted solitude, which was the last thing he'd find at home. Instead, he headed to the paint shop. He figured he'd lose himself in his art for a couple of hours, maybe clear his head a bit. Then he'd go collect Katniss and get her home.
Once he got to the paint shop, there, he sat down in the chair and propped his feet up on the work table. He grabbed a pad of notebook paper and a pencil and started doodling, stifling a yawn.
The first two times he drifted off to sleep, he caught himself. The third time, he didn't.
It was nearly midnight when Peeta woke up with a start. He took one look at the clock and sprinted out of the paint shop, barely taking enough time to turn the light off. Shit shit shit shit shit shit, was all he could think as he raced to the Justice building. He'd been angry at her but he never meant to break a promise or make her walk home alone.
He got to the Justice building just as Purnia was locking it up. "Oh, well, look who decided to show up," she said.
"Is Katniss...?" was all he was able to gasp out. He put his hands on his knees to catch his breath. Katniss obviously wasn't there.
"Lieutenant Darius walked her home," she said. Peeta pulled up, some of his anger from earlier coming back.
"What? Why?" he asked sharply, forgetting that he probably needed to mind his manners around a Peacekeeper, even one as nice as Purnia.
"Because nobody else was here to do it and we sure weren't going to let her walk home alone after she'd been attacked."
A wave of fear washed away every ounce of anger he had. "She was attacked?" He didn't bother keeping the panic out of his voice.
"Yeah, she was. While she was waiting for you," Purnia said pointedly. She leaned back into one hip, crossed her arms across her chest and told Peeta what had happened. A drunk guest had accosted Katniss, offered to pay her for sex, and then attacked her when she rejected his advances. "She took a pretty hard fall, messed her face up quite a bit. She still wanted to wait for you but it was getting late, so I made Darius take her home."
Peeta was standing there, utterly horrified, his hands clutching his hair. "Is she all right?" His voice broke a little.
Purnia's expression softened when she saw how upset he was. "Yes, child, she's all right. Well, as much as anybody can say with that one. She's not one to talk. Her face isn't as pretty as it was before the toasting, though." She checked her watch. "It's late, baker boy. You get on home, now."
Peeta nodded dumbly and walked back home, his thoughts a tangled mess. I take a nap and Katniss gets assaulted. I should have woken up on time. No, I shouldn't have fallen asleep at all. No, I just shouldn't have left the toasting. If I'd never left this wouldn't have happened at all. Fucking Darius to the rescue. It just had to be the guy she was all giggly for. He makes her laugh and he can actually protect her. Not like me. I can't even give her a birthday gift without fucking it up.
He got home to find his sister-in-law awake and nursing Nate. Peeta could hear Heather fussing in her crib.
He waited for Nikki to scold him for coming home late but instead she looked at him with relief. "Oh, thank heavens. Burp and change him, would ya? His sister's about to blow a gasket and Bannock was just up with them an hour ago." She unlatched a mostly-asleep Nate from her breast and handed him to Peeta.
Peeta grabbed a burp rag and sat down on the sofa, gently patting Nate's back. The infant snuggled into his chest. Nate burped quietly, then gave a contented sigh. Peeta found himself calming down. It was hard to stay frantic with a sleeping baby in your arms.
Nikki arranged herself in her rocker and started nursing Heather. "Honey, you wanna unload that heart of yours?" she asked softly. There was no judgment or annoyance on her face, just open concern.
"Do you remember the, uh, rocker and spindles your dad helped me with?" Peeta began. It all came pouring forth. He told her all about the lengths he'd gone to to get these bows and arrows into the hands of Katniss (and Gale) without making it look like he was turning it into a gift; how hurt he was when she took it the wrong way. He told her about Darius' flirting with Katniss and her reaction. He even told her about bailing on Katniss during the toasting, falling asleep by accident, the attack, and Darius walking Katniss home.
When he was finished, both of the babies has been fed, burped, changed and placed in their cribs. He expected Nikki to scold him, or sympathize with him. Maybe a little of both. What he didn't expect was for her to ask:
"Didja ever hear the story 'bout the captain and his first mate?"
Peeta shook his head.
"Well," Nikki said,
"Once upon a time there was a captain of a ship. Strict man, not overly friendly. He was never sympathetic much to the personal problems of his crew. Still, at the end of the day, the captain treated everybody fair. He protected his ship and everybody on it.
"Now, the captain's first mate was a popular man. The crew liked him better than they did the captain. They came to him with their problems. So the first mate decided it would be best for everybody if he became captain.
"One of the duties of the first mate was to make a daily log of everything that happened on the ship and send it to the admiral. One day, he had an idea. Every few days, at the end of the daily log, he added the sentence, 'The captain didn't drink today.'
"Now that was true because the captain never drank.
"They were at sea for months. When they got back into port, the captain was charged with dereliction of duty. The admiral ordered an investigation. The investigation showed that the captain was not well-loved but that he was competent and respected.
"More importantly, though, the admiral learned that the captain never, ever drank, on the job or off.
"The admiral went to the first mate. 'You lied to me,' he said.
"'I didn't lie,' said the first mate. 'The captain didn't drink today' was always true.
"'It may have been true,' said the admiral, 'but it wasn't honest.' He stripped the first mate of his command and threw him in the brig."
Nikki looked at him expectantly.
"I'm not sure I follow," Peeta told her.
Nikki sighed patiently. "Honey, how come you didn't just give it ta her?"
"Because she'd never accept it as a gift. She sees strings attached to everything."
"Then why on earth did you give her something and then show off all of the strings you'd attached?"
Peeta stared at her. An unpleasant emotion was starting to trickle into his brain.
"Yes, you want first dibs on their haul," Nikki continued. "Yes, the Hawthornes need more food. Yes, my daddy got a portrait of my momma. Everything you just told me? It's all true."
"But it's not honest," he finished quietly.
"But it's not honest," she agreed. "You roped my daddy and Gale Hawthorne into your little scheme to make Katniss think this wasn't a present, then got upset when she wasn't grateful for being handed another job to do.
"You gotta respect who she is," Nikki continued. "She ain't stupid, honey. You can't manipulate her like that and expect her ta thank you for it."
"I just wanted to help her," Peeta whispered.
"I know, honey, but not as much as you wanted her ta owe you. Just listen up for a little minute," she said, holding up a hand to forestall the argument on Peeta's lips. "I know firsthand just how much damage your parents did ta you boys. Bannock pretends he knows everything. Rye keeps the world at arm's length. You use your charm ta move people around like chess pieces.
"It all comes ta the same thing, though—not one of you feels like you're good enough ta just be loved. You gave her a job ta do so she'd have to keep coming around ta see you. But honey, love ain't earned. Love is a gift, freely given. You want ta earn something from that girl, earn her trust. Lord knows, most everybody else in that child's life has let her down."
All of Peeta's anger from earlier had been replaced by a burning sense of inadequacy. He chewed his bottom lip before asking, "What about Darius?"
Nikki chuckled at that. "Honey, Darius has been trying to get women to pay him for his kisses since his first day off the train."
"But he had to protect her because I wasn't there. How am I supposed to explain that to her? 'Sorry you were hurt but I was taking a nap?'"
Nikki made a shooing gesture with her hand. "Nobody in this house has had more than two hours of sleep at a time since the twins was born. It was an honest mistake."
"But she was attacked."
"Not by you, she wasn't." Nikki's voice was firm as she stood up. "Listen, Peeta. Ask her up front about Darius if it bothers you that much. Apologize for accidentally falling asleep. Come clean about trying ta manipulate everyone into 'rockers and spindles.' But don't you never take the blame for somebody else's bad behavior." Peeta was taken aback by the vehemence in Nikki's voice. Something about her certainty made him feel just a tiny bit better.
Nikki leaned over and gave him a big, maternal squeeze. "Lord almighty, it's near 3:00 o'clock. You heading out in a coupla hours?" Unlike Mrs. Everdeen and Mrs. Hawthorne, Nikki knew exactly where Peeta spent his Sundays and heartily approved. She usually had the blanket washed and neatly folded for him.
Peeta shrugged. "I'm not sure she'll want to see me but I guess I need to apologize, if nothing else."
"It'll work out," she yawned, as she headed into the master bedroom.
Peeta brushed his teeth and changed into jeans, t-shirt and a sweatshirt. No point getting into sleepwear if he was going to leave in two hours. He lay on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. After two hours of chasing his worries, he got up. He gathered everything he needed, including the blanket, tea and breakfast, and quietly left the house.
He was almost to their usual spot by the water tower when Katniss gracefully rose from the tall grass.
His heart dropped as soon as his eyes landed on her face.
Her cheek had been scraped raw. A large bruise covered her cheekbone. Dark circles under her eyes spoke to the lack of sleep she'd had.
But it was her expression that hurt the most. Her mask, the one she wore when she wasn't sure what a situation called for, or when she was trying to protect her own heart, was firmly in place. My fault, my fault, all my fault. He couldn't turn the voice off in his brain.
Peeta dropped everything he was carrying and cupped her undamaged cheek. "Katniss," he breathed, his apology stuck behind the tears he was trying not to shed. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face into her hair.
Katniss stiffened and pulled away. "What happened last night?" she asked. "Where were you?"
Peeta sighed. Of course, she wasn't going to trust him now. "The paint shop. It's...look, let's get out of here and I'll tell you everything over breakfast, OK?"
The walked in absolute silence. Katniss didn't spare him a single glance except to make sure he got through the fence. Peeta started to say something a few times but lost his nerve when he saw her expression.
Sunrise had turned the sky pink and gold by the time they got to their boulder. Peeta spread the blanket out and poured tea for them both. Katniss neither ate nor drank. That, more than anything, alarmed Peeta. It's like we're back at square one; she doesn't trust anything I do.
"I owe you an explanation and an apology," Peeta began. Then he told her everything. How he'd wanted to give her the bow and arrows for her birthday but knew she wouldn't take them. His clever little plan for "rockers and spindles." His jealousy of Darius. His exhaustion from the twins. Falling asleep in the paint shop. Running back to the Justice building and talking to Purnia. "True but not honest." All of it. He left nothing out.
The last time he'd made a confession to Katniss, she'd been in his arms, facing away from him as he leaned against the boulder. This time, they sat on the ground, not touching at all. Katniss stared at him the entire time he spoke, her gaze inscrutable underneath that damned, expressionless mask.
It was the first time he'd ever felt lonely in Katniss' presence.
When he was finished, an aching silence seemed to stretch the distance between them. Finally, Katniss broke the silence. "You were right, you know. About the hunting. It really will be better for everybody if Gale and I can get more game."
Peeta sighed and looked down at his hands. "And you were right about me handing you just one more damn obligation. If Gale wants to hunt there, that's fine but you don't owe me anything. If anything, I owe you. I wanted to impress you and instead, I just...screwed everything up."
"Peeta, you've always impressed me," Katniss said, surprise evident in her voice. "You don't have to try." She moved over next to him and leaned against his shoulder. "I will say one thing, though. You really are an idiot if you're jealous of Darius. For god's sake, Peeta, he flirts with Greasy Sae."
Peeta chuckled a little but only for a moment. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. "Did you want some breakfast?" he asked her after a moment when it was clear she wasn't going to pull away.
"Honestly, I'd rather nap. I didn't sleep much."
"Me, neither."
"Well," she said, laying down on her side, "come on then."
"Who's going to keep watch?" Peeta worried.
"Nobody. Peeta, I'm so tired that I couldn't do anything except yawn at a predator. Not that I've seen any around here in ages."
Peeta lay down next to her and gathered her up in his arms. They stared at each other for a moment. Katniss' eyes looked softly at him but it hurt him to his core to see the shape her face was in because of him. "I'm so sorry about this, Katniss," he whispered, lightly brushing the skin right next to the scrape. Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes again.
"Hush," she said, placing a finger on his lips. "It wasn't your fault." He kissed her finger, then took her hand in his and kissed her palm, then her wrist, then the inside of her arm. The next thing he knew, Katniss was cradling him against her chest, running her fingers through his hair, while he clung to her. He wouldn't let himself burst into sobs but he couldn't help the tears that did fall, or the way his breath hitched when he tried to swallow his sorrow.
This is absurd, I should be comforting her, not the other way around. But somehow, Peeta's internal misgivings faded more and more with every stroke through his hair. Katniss pressed her lips into his forehead and pulled him closer. When she started quietly humming a lullaby, he gave up arguing with himself. He needed her, needed this. She was the only person he'd ever known who could soothe his heart.
Minutes later, the sun broke over the horizon but neither of them were awake to see it. They had fallen asleep facing each other, his head burrowed under her chin, her face buried in his hair. His arm was draped over her waist and the end of her braid had slipped into the palm of his hand. Katniss had one arm protectively around his shoulder, hand tangled into his hair. The other hand cupped his face while he slept.
And for once, the world simply turned on its axis and let them be.