Doc code 1278803-4576b

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Entry 23-

I BELIEVE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I FIND CAPSLOCK NECESSARY TO EXPRESS THE FULL FORCE OF THE WORDS I WRITE AT THIS MOMENT. WERE I IN A BETTER FRAME OF MIND AT THE MOMENT, I MIGHT FEEL SOME REGRET AT THE FORCE WITH WHICH I AM TYPING UPON THIS OMNICOM'S KEYPAD.

AS IT STANDS, I AM FURIOUS.

ENRAGED.

NO. NOT ENRAGED. OUTRAGED.

I AM …

…hurting. To be more honest with myself, I am in pain. Not physically, there are simple remedies for physical pain. This pain is deep inside me, a tightening in my chest, an ill feeling in my stomach, a pounding in my head, a tremble in my hands, a choke in my throat.

They believed me.

This isn't fair, I know. I lied. I wanted them to believe me when I lied. I needed them to believe me. But yet, I am so hurt and angry that they did believe me. Even Garth didn't think to ask "well wait, how do you know you aren't the real Brainy?"

It is enough to drive me mad. I am sitting here in the infirmary, still hooked up to these insufferable machines and all I want is to be accepted, wanted, remembered. But no! I am still, even now, after all I have gone through, an outcast. I suppose it would be best for me to rectify myself with the concept that I am now and forever will be COMPLETELY REJECTED AND AVOIDED BY EVERYONE FOR ALL TIME.

IF I AM NOT ALIENATING PEOPLE WITH MY INTELLECT I AM PASSING MYSELF OFF AS A CLONE OF MYSELF. WHO EVEN DOES THAT?

WHO CLAIMS TO BE A CLONE OF THEMSELVES?

In some ways, I feel I cannot think clearly, though a more accurate way to describe my current state of being would be described as "I cannot feel clearly." All of my emotions are muddled up inside of me and I am unsure where one starts and another ends. Unlike thought tracks, emotions are tricky, they cannot be managed, simplified, quantified, or even suppressed. At least, not with the same ease I find in manipulating my mind. My "heart" (metaphorically speaking, of course) is much more difficult to understand or control than my mind.

After Imra, Rokk, and the impostor departed, Garth remained with me for some time. I was mostly unaware of this at the time, mostly because I had passed out due to various medical reasons. Garth was still waiting when I awoke.

"Hey," he said softly. "You wanna talk?"

I found this somewhat odd. Normally Saturn Girl was the counselor. He must have seen the confusion on my face, because he elaborated slightly. "Not that I think I'm worth any salt as a counselor, I just thought…" he trailed off, gazing at me with his sharp blue eyes. "I just thought maybe you could use a friend right now."

To my utter shame and consternation, I burst into tears yet again. Being Garth, one would have expected him to be awkward, or maybe tell me to "grow up" or "suck it up", but rather than doing either of these things, Garth shifted for a moment, before surging forward and throwing an arm around my shoulders. I gripped his uniform like it was the only thing securing me to the world. My body shook with heaving sobs and I am fairly convinced I got tears and possibly mucous all over the front of Garth's uniform. I credit him for not forcibly removing me but rather allowing me to grieve, finally, for all I had lost:

My family

My friends

My identity

My life

Garth said nothing, simply held me, I do not know how long. Finally, when my tears ceased, he leaned me back into the biobed and shook his head slightly. "Sprock, Brainy," he said, "I don't know what we're going to do with you."

I blinked, fear clenching my chest. "Wh-what?" I choked out of a rapidly constricting throat.

Garth did a double-take, absorbing my terrified expression. "Huh? Oh, no, no, Brainy, not like that." He reassured me quickly, appearing slightly disturbed. Reaching back and scruffing his hair, he chuckled awkwardly. "I mean seriously, you're the only legionnaire I know who can somehow go from cyborg to human to human AND cyborg. You're frankly ridiculous." He reached over and scruffed up my hair. "You crazy overachiever you." I tried to smooth my hair back down and attempted to glare at Garth to inform him of my displeasure, however, my heart was not in it. Garth laughed in response to my glare. "Seriously Brainy, this'll really freak people out. I don't know how the lab crew will deal."

I found myself frowning slightly. "Lab crew?" I repeated.

"Yeah, you know, your other you, Salu, and Lyle."

Rapid blinking seemed an appropriate response until I had come up with something suitable to say. "Who is Lyle?" I finally asked.

Garth frowned. "You don't… oh, right, you said you were off on a rim world, you wouldn't know."

"Wouldn't know what, Garth?"

"Well you know that right after you left we held auditions, right?"

"…you did?"

"Oh. Okay. You didn't know. Gee, that's awkward," Garth said, scrubbing at the back of his neck with one hand. "Aaanyway," he said, stretching out the 'a', "Um. Lyle Norg joined the team. He's a chemist-inventor-dude. He invented a serum to turn himself invisible. That's cool, right?"

I nodded slowly, not technically agreeing but in order to keep Garth pacified. "So he and Salu and…I… have been working together since I left?"

"Well, he and Salu. We needed someone to replace your brain. Lyle and Salu did some good work together." Garth continued to rub the back of his neck. "Well, actually, once you came back, the lab started running a lot smoother and solutions came faster, but… but it also blew up a lot more."

"All part of the inventing process," I said dismissively. I always say this when someone mentions lab explosions to me. It's less of a habit and almost something of a pre-programmed response at this point.

Garth nodded. "Yeah. Whatever you say."

"So this Lyle Norg," I said, "he has a Legion name?"

"Oh yeah. Invisible Kid. Not especially creative, but y'know, it's pretty self-explanatory. We call him IK a lot. Except you. You always call him 'norg'."

I would. It's frustrating how pinpoint accurate Brainiac can be in assessing my responses and mimicking them precisely. Garth glanced over at the digital time readout above my biobed before glancing at me. "Hey, um, hang in there buddy, okay? I gotta go, but… yeah. See ya."

With that, he exited. Leaving me to stew in my muddled emotions until I felt it necessary to pick up this Omnicom and get writing. I know it doesn't make sense. I don't particularly understand it myself. But there was something about this conversation that bothered me, and it is not until I revisit it now, in writing, that I realize what so angered me.

"once you came back" "you always call him 'norg'."

Garth was being exceedingly kind, and accepting, and in some ways, even referring to me as the Brainy who returned first. But it's not true. I didn't return first. I'm not him. I don't want to be him. And while I am very grateful to Garth for his kindness and for getting me "up to speed", somehow, this idea that brainiac and I are one and the same infuriates me.

Perhaps it had something to do with an earlier statement he'd made: "we needed someone to replace your brain"

It frightens me that Garth sees Brainiac and I as the same person… not because of DNA, or because of a story, but because we have the "same mind." Why is it that everyone seems to think my ancestor and I are one and the same? That we are "cut from the same cloth" or perhaps the exact same cut entirely?

It frightens me to think about these things. Perhaps that is why reacted so strongly earlier in this piece. I am frightened of so much more than the possibility of not being accepted back into the legion. I am afraid of becoming him. I don't know what he wants or what he plans to do. All I know is that I do not want to be like him. But the longer we remain in each other's presence it seems the more frequently we will be assessed as two halves of one whole, or the same person.

I do not want to be Brainiac.

I want to be myself.

Not him.

Me.

A/N: Aww and just when you were getting used to the long chapters too... Sorry but it's just really hard to drag on a single scene of a character talking to himself, so for now you'll have to put up with a shorter chapter. hope to get some longer ones going soon, but I figured I'd get this one up so you guys could continue to feel like maybe I have this under control (haha I don't). Anywho, not sure when the next chappie will be up, but hopefully soon. Thanks for reading!