Doc code 1278803-4576b

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Entry 25-

I am tired. Physically I am fine, but emotionally I am exhausted. It is so hard to keep smiling, chatting, and continually act as though everything is fine and normal. The first thing I did when I was discharged from sickbay was visit my labs. In the first lab I stumbled upon Shrinking Violet, who was working on some sort of electrical device's circuitry. She hopped off of the device and returned to normal size, giving me a firm hug and welcoming me back.

"You look pale," she noted with concern. "Have you been eating well?"

"Ah… not lately," I admitted. "I've been…nervous."

A slight smile bloomed across her features. "I suppose that's understandable, mister breaking-and-entering," she laughed at her own joke, snorting once.

I forced a laugh, though I didn't exactly feel in a laughing mood.

"So, do you want a quick tour of what's happening in here, or do you want to go get some food?" Salu asked, planting a hand on her hip. "You look hungry," she said, as though that might encourage me to decide on lunch.

I know from experience that I can go a decent amount of time without food. "I think I'd like to look around the lab a bit," I said, "get an idea of what projects are running right now."

"Sure, but after that, lunch," Shrinking Violet said. "I'm starving."

"In that case we can go now," I said, "I didn't realize you were also hungry."

"No, no, it's not a big deal," Shrinking Violet assured me, waving a hand dismissively before indicating the intricate circuitry she'd been working on when I had arrived. "So this is the latest gadget," she began. "It's going to be used to enhance the cruiser, I think." She shrugged slightly. "It's just one part of a larger thing that Brainy's working on right now." She froze, covering her mouth suddenly, looking at me with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that in front of you," she apologized.

"Don't let it concern you," I said. "I'm going by Querl right now to avoid confusion."

"Oh, okay, good," she said, "But still, that was so insensitive of me!"

"It's all right," I reassured her. "I don't mind."

She narrowed her eyes, looking at me for a few seconds without blinking. "I'm sure it doesn't," she said noncommittally, turning back to the device. "Anyway, Lyle's working on another part of the device, but he went for lunch about ten minutes ago, you just missed him." She smiled. "You'll like Lyle, he's a total genius. Nice too. And quiet, and orderly. Which is probably what you'd appreciate the most, now that I think about it." She laughed again.

I nodded slowly as she continued pointing out various projects in various stages of development. Some of the projects were ones I have tucked away in the back of my mind, and others I'd never considered. I suppose Brainiac can't invent exactly like me, which is a small mercy. There is at least one area in which our minds diverge, if only ever-so-slightly.

Not too much later, we headed to the cafeteria for lunch. Tenzil Kem was apparently whipping up "something fantastic" for lunch, and Shrinking Violet was hoping there would still be some remaining by the time we got there. "Lyle offered to save me a plate but I told him he didn't have to," she explained to me as we made our way down the hall. "I love it when Matter-Eater Lad cooks. I mean, Timber Wolf is a great baker but even he can't beat Tenzil's Braalian hotcakes. Cosmic Boy swears they're even better than the ones his mom makes."

I had often overheard various legionnaires discussing Matter-Eater Lad's culinary prowess in passing, but as an android I had never required sustenance nor had I understood why the preparation of palatable sustenance was so highly admired… until I became human and had to learn to cook for myself. Thaal had many times marveled at my ineptitude, noting that it was "incredible, the way you can build super complicated machines and yet you can't so much as boil water without a disaster of epic proportions." He was, of course, exaggerating and I did in time learn how to cook a few meals well. But I found myself looking forward to sampling whatever Matter-Eater Lad had chosen to prepare.

As we stepped into the cafeteria and approached the warming trays still half-full of various steaming foods, the loud hubbub of conversations slowly died until the occasionally clank of silverware seemed deafening. Shrinking Violet, who had grabbed two plates, one for herself and one for me, looked confused as she handed me one of the plates. "What's going on?" she whispered to me, dishing up for herself a heaping serving of several of the foods in the warming trays. "Is there something wrong with my hair?" she asked.

"I believe everyone is staring at me," I assure her, as I serve myself, "and there is nothing wrong with your hair."

"Why would they stare? Everyone knows there's a biological Brain- Querl - here at HQ," she murmured, correcting herself mid-sentence.

"It is the first time I've been out of sickbay," I say, "And I do look…different… when compared to… Brainy," I finally said, though it came out a bit uncomfortably. It will take me a long time to get used to hearing someone else called by a name I considered my own.

Shrinking Violet gave me a look similar to the one she had given me in the lab after I'd told her to call me Querl, but only said "Yeah I guess that's true."She stood waiting by the trays, her plate full. I waited also, unsure as to why we were not finding a seat. Shrinking Violet was staring at me, though I was unsure as to the reason. "Brainy," she said after a long moment, "you need to eat something."

I looked at my plate, which had a small sampling of each of the dishes. "I have food."

She gave me the same look, a narrow-eyed look with a slight wrinkle to her nose. "It's like five bites, Brai-Querl." She shook her head slowly. "You know you can't survive on that little food."

"I ate not too long ago," I lied. I haven't felt hungry in days, ever since I found out about Brainiac it has become increasingly difficult for me to sleep and eat. I suppose stress is likely the trigger, but I do not know how to cope on my own. I cannot talk to anyone about what I know, not even Saturn Girl. I don't want to put my friends in danger, but I don't know if it is more dangerous to tell them what I know, or to keep them in the dark. This all feel so familiar – the anguish and distress at hiding dark secrets and not knowing if it would be worse to speak up about what I know or bury it all and try to fix it myself. I don't know if I can rely on my friends, I don't even know if I can even rely on myself.

Shrinking Violet decided to let the matte rest, and headed across the cafeteria to find an empty seat. I trailed behind her, trying to pretend that I hadn't noticed the many stares. There is more to recollect as the events of the day are far from being fully recorded and analyzed, but I am too tired now to finish relating my experiences. I don't want to think about everything I've been working through, I don't want any of this, really.

I just want things back the way they were before... before everything went wrong. I know this is impossible, and yet I find myself still illogically hoping that, if i were to sleep, I might awaken to find all of this a spectacularly horrid dream. And yet I have a distinct awareness of my mind, including an awareness of when I am awake or asleep. I do not wish to sleep, because even in sleep the thought of Brainiac taunts me and I know that when I awaken nothing will have changed. I can only continue to do the one thing that I can change. I can improve and continue working on various inventions in the Labs, which I will do tonight until I have calmed sufficiently to fall asleep. I don't want to be awake, and neither do I wish to sleep. I simply want...

I do not know, exactly, what I want. I just do not wish to feel the way I feel right now. I suppose I shall muse on these and other thoughts at another time. For now, I will try and get some work done.

A/N: Another update? So soon? but it hasn't even been nine months yet!

Also you have Emerald City Comic Con to thank for that, I got to go to my first ever Con and I found 25 LOSH comic books for 25 dollars and practically danced home after I bought those, got a signed poster from Cecil Baldwin and other Night Vale people, and found the most spectacular Storm Shadow cosplayer of all time. (GI Joe and LOSH will be my forever fandoms) Maybe someday I'll cosplay as a Legionnaire... Anywho, I had a great time, read all the comics in one day, found some real gems and remembered why I love Cosmic Boy when he isn't in the cartoon. (Because Cosmic Boy is a really cool dude most of the time.) Also I was reminded of my undying love for Invisible Kid. And there were some spectacular sparks flying (of the romantic and also the "intellect versus blind luck" variety) between Brainy and Dream Girl in two of my comics which was basically the most hilarious thing ever. OH. And Brainy dissed Cosmic Boy by basically telling him "if I wanted someone I respected to patronize me I would teach a goat to talk. Could you get one for me?" and then at the end of the book, Brainy opens the door to his lab and its full of goats and yeah basically I died. Thank you Mark Waid your comedic timing is impeccable. Also Cosmic Boy your sass is great, don't ever change. Anyway all that to say look at this I've managed to publish another chapter and right now my goal for this fanfic is to update one chapter a month, which is nothing if not doable, and that way I'm not over-extending myself. One entry per month is a thing I can probably do.

Anyway thanks for all the reviews, stay tuned and hopefully I can keep up this whole "once a month" update schedule thing.