Doc code 1278803-4576b

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Entry 27-

I am sorry I ended the last record so abruptly. I wish I could say I was interrupted suddenly, but that is not the truth. In actuality, I became overcome with emotion and felt unable to continue writing. I stood up and walked away from my writing, worked on one of the projects in the lab for some time, and now I have returned to continue reliving yesterday's events. Not because I wish to, but because I feel that to abandon this project now would be a sign of weakness. And I have felt very weak recently. This was one battle I could win, and so I have returned to continue recording yesterday's events.

I have been running from so many things lately. The idea that I am a clone, and what that could mean. I am running from the reality that Brainiac has not only infiltrated the Legion but has completely usurped my position as a trusted friend. I am now seen as an outsider by most of the legionnaires. I am frightened. I am frustrated. I am weak. I am…

I am ashamed of my response following Brainiac's actions.

I did not follow after him, I could not even find my voice to respond to his final comment before he left. Instead, I found myself trembling and…weeping. That was the state in which Shrinking Violet found me when she entered the lab. I was lying on the floor where Brainiac had knocked me down, arms over my face, overcome with heaving sobs that I could not seem to suppress or silence. I was in no position to explain why I was crying, so I suppose in a way it was fortunate that I had fled the lunchroom as I had, or I would have had no logical explanation for my emotional outburst. As it stood, Shrinking Violet assumed I was crying because of what Sun Boy had said.

"Querl?" she said hesitantly, kneeling beside me, laying a hand on my heaving shoulders after a moment, "I'm sorry," she said, apologizing for…what, I was not entirely sure. For what Dirk Morgna had said? For the fact that they all considered me a clone? She had done nothing to hurt me, and yet she spoke as though she had some reason to be sorry.

She did not chide me or even act as though the situation was uncomfortable for her, though I have no doubt it was. I myself do not know how I would react if a fellow Legionnaire began to cry. I would probably vacate the premises as swiftly and unobtrusively as possible. Instead, Salu rubbed my back, murmuring soft, comforting words until my shuddering sobs subsided and I was able to sit up and scrub at my face, my extreme embarrassment finally overpowering the now-waning emotions that had brought me to tears.

"I'm sorry," I told her, wiping my eyes and sniffling to try and keep my nose from running. A moot point, since tears and mucous had already run down my face in rivets. I was likely quite a sight.

"No, no," Shrinking Violet said encouragingly, "It's all right." She smiled hesitantly. "Everyone needs a good cry now and then."

"I- I- I," I took a shuddering breath and attempted to speak more clearly, "I have been feeling very emotional lately."

Shrinking Violet's face softened in empathy. "It's been difficult, hasn't it?" she asked softly.

I had mostly wiped off my face by then, my snot and tears mixed on the back of my hands. I felt unsanitary. My eyes prickled like I might start again at any moment. "It has been very difficult," I admitted. It felt like the understatement of a lifetime.

Shrinking Violet placed her hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eyes, her gaze soft and sympathetic. "I want you to know that I'm here for you, okay?" she said slowly. "If you ever need to talk."

I nodded slowly. "Thank you," I said, though I know I will not be able to take up with her the problem that so weighs on me. Being called a clone pales in comparison to the havoc that an unfettered Brainiac could wreak.

"I don't know exactly what you're going through," Salu continued, removing her hand and placing it in her lap as though anticipating some sort of adverse reaction. "But I do know what it's like to be considered… well, a non-person." She glanced down at her hands, which were twining and shifting uncomfortably in her lap. "Because I'm Imskian," she explained a moment later, as though I hadn't caught on. "You probably know though, I guess I'm just…" She clapped a hand over her mouth. "I'm talking too much," she said a moment later, putting her hand back in her lap.

"Not at all," I reassured her. "Thank you…for your kindness. And camaraderie," I said, then elaborated. "We may not be in the exact same situation, but your willingness to understand my discomfort means…it means a lot to me," I found myself able to smile, ever-so-slightly. "Thank you."

Shrinking Violet lunged forward, wrapping her arms around me tightly. "I'm sorry this has to be so hard for you," she said quietly, then releasing me, she stood. "I'm going to get to work," she said quickly, sounding slightly embarrassed. "Lyle said he would be back soon."

I nodded, "I will go clean up," I indicated the washroom with a glance. "Thank you," I said again.

"What are friends for?" Shrinking Violet asked rhetorically.

I retired to the washroom, washed my face and hands, and returned to the project that I am still working on, the same project I later fell asleep while adjusting, and that I worked on when I became overwhelmed by merely recording the events of yesterday. I have discovered that I deeply dislike the feeling of helplessness, and being labeled a clone as well as being unable to stop Brainiac has made every moment feel torturous. I feel helpless at nearly every moment.

I find it difficult to sleep, in part because I do not want tomorrow to come. It is not for any great love of today. Rather, my feelings are best described by the phrase "better the enemy I know than the enemy I do not". I do not like this day, but at least I know it. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but I fear that it brings only more pain and terror and uncertainty. And so I work: adjusting, inventing, creating; things that I know how to do, things that are not uncertain, things that give me confidence. Things that can put off sleep, if only for another hour, another minute.

I want things to change, but I am afraid of what that change would realistically be. How can I ever hope to face Brainiac as I am? I am weaker than he emotionally, physically, even psychologically. I have a mind with twelve concurrently running thought-tracks but the more my emotions spiral out of control the more difficult it becomes to subdue my own thoughts and control my mind.

I have always prided myself in my mental control, and yet as the days go by I find myself struggling more and more to control it. And so I do what I always have; I retreat, and I invent.

It is the one thing I know how to do, the one thing I know I am good at. Even if I cannot regain my friendships, cannot control my emotions, cannot bring myself to eat or sleep, I can at least work in my labs. I worry, however, that if Brainiac comes back, if we are in the same lab, that I may not even be able to do that.

I cannot concentrate when I think about him, and how will I be able to ignore him if we are sharing the same space? At least when he is not in the room, I can do my best to dismiss him, and only one or two of my thought-tracks might be caught up in whatever he might be doing. But when he is near me, my entire being seems to be focused entirely on his being, to the exclusion of everything else.

Again, I am worrying about something over which I have no control. I suppose, if Brainiac and I ever work in the same lab, we will see if I will be able to work. If not, I will find some other way to cope. There are other labs that I can work in. And yet my mind continues to be caught up in endless cycles of futile questions that only serve to feed my anxieties. I must leave this writing for now, and work some more. Working allows my mind to focus more fully on positive, creative, productive outcomes. I need that right now. I just do not know how long I can survive with inventing as my escape, my crutch. I am sure such an attitude is not a healthy one.

I do not see any other way to survive this ordeal.

A/N: well hey, I managed to keep my schedule! whoo! Maybe I'll update sooner next time, but self-control is important... maybe I'll increase my update schedule. Well either way, I really liked writing this. It's about time he had a good cry, and I'm glad Vi was there to sit and listen. I'm really excited for where this story is heading, so thanks for sticking with me and i hope you continue to follow along for this crazy ride!